Friend wanting to be occupied/busy all weekend - AIBU ?

[Fairylightsareon]

Friend is single mum. Her DC go to their dads eow. On these weekends she wants to be out of the house as much as possible and busy doing things. She never wants to be alone it seems. Her DC are 15 & 16, so not toddlers ie hard work/tiring. I have DH & DC at Home. I like to spend as many weekends at home as I can. I have the luxury of interaction from DH/DC, even if we're not doing things together, there are other people in the house and I'm not alone. I feel guilty that I hardly spend any day time with my friend at the weekends. After working all week I have things to catch up on at home/I want to be at home to enjoy my time and chill. I purposely don't suggest things like lunches etc with her because she will turn it into a whole day out and not just a few hours lunch.

AIBU to think she needs to learn to be by herself some days ? Personally,I prefer to go shopping etc alone.

AIBU not going for lunch etc with her because she will turn it into a whole day thing ?

@GingerIsBest right now the only person who is a priority for me is ME. I have spent my whole adult life people pleasing & second guessing what people want from me, feeling guilty if I ever have to say no, and rarely saying no, worrying I'm not spending enough time with friends or family (inc DH & DC), worrying I am being perceived as not putting as much in/as much effort with my friends or contributing enough for evening get togethers. I have continuously put myself out to please others.

Re my friend: I have previously spent whole days shopping with my friend, when in fact I hate shopping with a passion. But she wanted to go, so I went for her. I have dropped/changed plans to see her (she didn't know this) and spent whole days with her. I have prioritised her a lot. I value her friendship a lot. I now need to step back a little for ME. Not step back from the friendship at all, but step back from the amount of time I am giving (to everyone). I am tired, I am exhausted.

AIBU to think she needs to learn to be by herself some days ? Personally,I prefer to go shopping etc alone.

She's single and there can be a certain loneliness in that situation, even with teenage children around much of the time.

I'm afraid you come across as smug.

Stop centering yourself in other peoples lives. People pleasing can be a form of narcissism.
Stop assuming your friend is constantly desperate for your company. If you don't want to see her on the weekend, don't, and drop the notion she'll be devastated by that! She can manage perfectly well without you.

If she wants to be occupied and busy all weekend, so what? It has nothing to do with you. She can do that. You don't have to be involved in anyway. You don't need to decide that she needs to be on her own.

Just do you.

@Westfacing I agree it can be lonely for her, and I sympathise, which is why I have previously spent whole days with her at the weekends even if it has been doing things I have no real interest in. I feel for her, I really do. If I didn't have so much going on in my own life/head/mental health/general health/wellbeing then may be I would be able to spend more time in the weekend days with her. I also have huge anxiety which she knows absolutely nothing about. This anxiety affects activities out of the house. This means that mentally, planning a whole day out- and doing a whole day out - with her or anyone is torture for me in both the time pre going out and actually going out. I am exhausted from the mental health of it all. I have no plans to reveal this to ANYONE in rl.

I am not trying to be smug. I may have a DH at home but we don't do anything together activity wise, even though we are at home together at the weekends. He has an illness which makes it hard for him to go anywhere/do anything indoors and out. But I do recognise that I am fortunate to have someone else at home who I can watch TV with, eat with and just generally talk to and not be on my own.

AIBU to think she needs to learn to be by herself some days ? Personally,I prefer to go shopping etc alone.
Yes, YABU.

AIBU not going for lunch etc with her because she will turn it into a whole day thing ?
Both YABU and YANBU. You don't have to go to lunch with her, but equally if you do go for lunch with her then just leave after lunch. Stand your ground. It's your weekend, too.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable but I think you could be more sensitive towards your friends feelings. I have been there as a single mom and those weekends alone are tough. Especially when you know all your friends are busy doing family stuff ☹️ Obviously you are entitled to your own life and I certainly don’t expect my friends to drop their families for me but just try and be conscious from her point of view. It can be very lonely and dark sometimes, especially around holiday periods.

So friendships do require spending time together but you both decide how that works for you. It sounds like maybe she needs to branch out and meet new people /try new things could you perhaps look at things you could both do together once a month so she is meeting more people, I used to use am app called meet up, it could be you join a local same age group and do things I used to see the same people at different events e.g. if you like dancing maybe see if there is a local ceroc group, if your into board games try and see about a local group.

Yes she does need to learn to like her own company or find a range of people to interact with.

It sounds to me like you're resentful of all the tie and effort you put in, especially when you're struggling yourself. But as you don't tell her any of this, you're now going completely the other way.

I'm ALL for focusing on what YOU need. I think it's crucially important. But you can't be annoyed with your friend - if you spent a whole day shopping wit her, she probably thinks you LIKE shopping. If you changed plans for her to be more available, she doesn't know that and just thinks you are available.

So I'd be more honest with her for a start. tell her what you can do/want to do. Because right now you're going from one extreme of people pleasing to excessive resentment and selfishness.

Sorry OP. I sound like I'm having a go at you and I don't mean to but while you're right to draw boundaries, you are wrong to blame her for needing them. This is on you.

Why not see her on the same day you go to see your elderly relatives? Then you have a legitimate excuse (if you need one) to leave straight after lunch. And you also have one whole day of the weekend with no plans at all 😀

I can never be at home too much.

Can you offer her to come to you and just watch a film together and a simple meal? Husband can join in or not.

Many years ago a friend was going through a divorce and needed to be out of the house overnight but had nowhere to go.

She came to us (I was still married). We ended up having such a lovely evening (including me burning the pizzas). She told me after that it was a lovely moment in a very difficult time.

So maybe for your friend it’s not so much going out, but just having a bit of joy in her life. Perhaps you can show her that she can achieve that by simply hanging out with a friend.

If she says no, then your conscience is clear.

@GingerIsBest some interesting thoughts there for me to think about.
I guess also:
I get overwhelmed very easily. Just the thought of an all day out with my friend (or anyone) at the weekend with also the usual weekend activities of laundry/my own chill time/seeing elderly family/spending time with DH & DC/food shopping/sorting house/doing any other jobs I don't have time to do in the week triggers me mentally.
My friend likes to spend money. Whereas I have a very good and very well paid job, on paper I have money but in reality I don't have as much. I have outgoings that no one in rl knows about and I don't want them to know. When I do go shopping with my friend, I never buy anything. I wince at the cost of some of our activities, but I still go along with them. I will admit I am tight.

I don't think it's your friend who needs to learn to spend time alone, I think it's you OP who needs to learn to say no and stop blaming everyone else for your people pleasing.

Unless she's physically restraining you, she isn't turning a lunch into an all day event. You are. Say no. Leave. Tell her you need to go home and chill so will be leaving at X time. Your poor communication skills are not her fault.

Spending days shopping and secretly loathing it doesn't make you a great friend, it makes you dishonest and two-faced. You can't have a real friendship based on lies. Try honesty.

Just set boundaries and maybe meet for dinner instead once a month or whatever. She isn't your responsibility

I think she's probably a bit bored/lonely her teenagers are probably out all the time.

Also she just sounds like a different person to you. I too would rather be out doing fun stuff like the things you listed.

Doesn't make either right or wrong but perhaps just be honest and explain you don't want to do the same things she does.

@mylittleprince yep, her teenagers are out all the time. They are rarely at home.

@NuffSaidSam I think it's unfair to call me 2-faced. Just because I go along with something she likes to do but I don't. It's called give-and-take. I am sure there are things I like doing but she doesn't, yet she has gone along with them.

Why are you even friends with her? You work 50 hour weeks and the weekends you want to spend doing housework and seeing elderly relatives. With your current priorities there is no space for friends in your life.

Your life sounds quite boring in comparison to hers so could there be a bit of jealousy there from your side and that's why you are saying she needs to also stay at home and learn to be by herself? I would hate to look back at my life thinking all I did was work, housework and looking after others. At least she goes to shows, out for meals, has a rich social life etc.

With respect, I think how she spends her child free time is up to her and you should keep your nose out.

YANBU regarding lunch though. Just say that you would love to go for lunch but you need to be back by [insert arbitrary time here] because you have plans with DH/DC for the evening.

I am also a homebody - doing things with people on the weekend is my idea of hell 😂however, every few months I do agree to a big catchup weekend with my best friends. Sometimes I will just do the Saturday rather than stay over, but if I do that then I fully commit to the day. I feel it's important to spend time with people in a way that they enjoy sometimes, rather than catering to my own selfish desires of solitude.

I would just talk to her.

She needs more friends so she isn't so reliant on you as you sound busy / need more time to yourself at weekends.

Be honest when you meet up 'sorry I can't stay as long as you would like but I have my food shop etc and want to get back to spend some time with DH as it's hard for him to socialise out of the house and the weeks are so busy we only get time to sit down and relax together at the weekend'

Are you her only friend? Could you encourage her to take up a hobby to meet people? or do a lunch or dinner with someone else you know to bring them into the friendship so she develops other people to spend time with?

YANBU to put boundaries around what you do with your friend (eg refuse to go shopping with her, meet for lunch but explain you need to leave after lunch).

YABU to expect the friendship to remain as important to her if you rarely see each other. That may not matter to you?

I think you're being unfair on your friend, you've not told her that you don't like shopping/her activity choice or that you can't afford to do certain things she can, if she doesn't know she can't do anything about it. You really haven't answered why you can't just meet her for lunch for a couple of hours or invite her to yours for a pizza and film night? It doesn't have to be all day or nothing at all. Unless you just don't want her as a friend any more?

You need to set clear boundaries and expectations. It's not your friends fault if she doesn't know you don't like shopping. If I suggested to a friend let's go shopping and they agreed with me and came I would be shocked to find out they hadn't enjoyed it and resented me for it and wonder why on earth they didn't speak up.

Next time she asks just honestly say you don't enjoy or feel like doing that activity but you'd love to do xyz and offer a couple of dates. If you're clear you can't stay all day too this will free her up to make plans with someone else later that afternoon or evening.

Doing something that might not be your first choice activity to go along with a friend is normal. It's not normal to spend the entire doing an activity that you 'hate with a passion', that you 'wince at the cost of' or is 'torture'.

That's not normal or healthy.

Friendship is based on enjoying spending time together. You don't enjoy any of this. How would you feel if someone you considered a friend was describing your time together like this?

With friends like you, OP ...

However she may be naturally extroverted- it may not be the case that she ‘needs to learn to be alone’

I have a friend like this. She has to be in company the whole time, preferably out somewhere. She's been like this the 30 years I've known her, it's just how she is, company recharges her batteries. It would be impossible for her to learn to feel differently about spending the day alone.

I see this “But weekends are family time!” attitude on MN a lot, and I also struggle to understand it. Yes, of course people want to spend time with their families, but sometimes on MN there’s a shocked reaction that friends would even ask.

I do wonder if these people realise that, as children get older, they want to spend more time with their friends. And eventually, they grow up and leave home. What happens if the parents have done nothing to maintain their own friendships during those years?