Friend wanting to be occupied/busy all weekend - AIBU ?

[Fairylightsareon]

Friend is single mum. Her DC go to their dads eow. On these weekends she wants to be out of the house as much as possible and busy doing things. She never wants to be alone it seems. Her DC are 15 & 16, so not toddlers ie hard work/tiring. I have DH & DC at Home. I like to spend as many weekends at home as I can. I have the luxury of interaction from DH/DC, even if we're not doing things together, there are other people in the house and I'm not alone. I feel guilty that I hardly spend any day time with my friend at the weekends. After working all week I have things to catch up on at home/I want to be at home to enjoy my time and chill. I purposely don't suggest things like lunches etc with her because she will turn it into a whole day out and not just a few hours lunch.

AIBU to think she needs to learn to be by herself some days ? Personally,I prefer to go shopping etc alone.

AIBU not going for lunch etc with her because she will turn it into a whole day thing ?

if she wants to busy all weekends, that's fine and nothing to do with you. Just say you can't meet, or you can only meet for a specific amount of time.

@WomanStanleyWoman2 to quote:
I do wonder if these people realise that, as children get older, they want to spend more time with their friends. And eventually, they grow up and leave home. What happens if the parents have done nothing to maintain their own friendships during those years?

During the phase of working FT, DC still at home and need you, you're doing all DC washing, housework, organising etc as DC still too young to do it plus entertaining DC/taking them out - how is someone still expected to have time to see friends at the weekend amongst all the other stuff ? I totally agree that you need to maintain friendships but where is all the extra time to do this going to come from ?

@Fairylightsareon I think most people, myself included, are able to have friends and a family. If you don't want to have friends then by all means ignore them and they will eventually disappear anyway but you can't just shut a friend away for 10 years+ to them reappear once you need them and expect the friendship to still be there. It's just like any other relationship, it takes work to maintain. But it should be fun work.

We find time. We prioritise.

If you don't want, don't.

YABU to see this as your problem. This is a friend, not someone you have a duty towards. If you want to spend time with her do it. If you don't, don't. If you just want an hour's coffee, do that. It would really benefit you to learn some assertiveness as this is in no way your problem or responsibility but you seem to be seeing it as your issue?

1. She is not your responsibility so stop feeling guilty. She should go out with other friends if she isn't capable/doesn't want to do things on her own rather than expect one friend to be there for her all the time.
2. It doesn't really sound like she's badgering you to go out with her all the time anyway.
3. Just say no if you don't want to do something. What is she going to do? Come around and put a gun to your head and force you down to the shops.
4. Learn to manage people's expectations by responding to a lunch invite, for example, with "That's great and I'd love to come, but I have plans for the afternoon so I'll need to leave by 2". And then leave by 2 or whatever time you have said.

This isn’t your friend’s problem, OP. It’s yours. You don’t want to tell her / assert about the stuff you want to do & are now blaming her for wanting to meet. It’s NORMAL to do social activities on the weekend. It’s NORMAL to do all day activities on the weekend. If you don’t want to do them fine, say no, but don’t make out that her wanting to do normal things is somehow abnormal.

I fail to see the issue. She likes going out, you like staying in. She’s not pressuring you unduly to do stuff with her, and even if she were, you can refuse and say just what you’ve said here, unless you’ve got some pathological people-pleasing going on.

It does sound a bit patronising that you think she needs to ‘learn to be alone’, though — maybe she just likes having a full social life? Your weekends sound insanely dull to me, and I also have a demanding professional job and a primary school-aged child at home, but I always have weekend plans. Tonight I have people over for dinner. Tomorrow, after taking DS to football and the farmers market, I’m doing an afternoon yoga retreat and then meeting my sister for a drink. On Sunday I’m going hillwalking with a friend. That’s pretty normal for my weekends.

I'm divorced and have every other weekend childfree. I have a 17 yo too who lives with me FT but don't see him much. I love keeping busy on weekends- not because I'm lonely or don't like being alone but because I enjoy seeing my friends and socialising. I don't understand why you're so critical of her it sounds like she just wants to enjoy her life?

Unless she's physically restraining you, she isn't turning a lunch into an all day event. You are. Say no. Leave. Tell her you need to go home and chill so will be leaving at X time. Your poor communication skills are not her fault.

100% this. It’s not reasonable to expect her to be a mind-reader.

I’m a single parent and used to have a schedule like this with every other weekend free (my son now lives with me full time after his father had an argument with him about me and cut contact). This was following a traumatic period of domestic abuse and a super high conflict divorce and child custody battle. I was super lonely and upset every weekend I didn’t have my son, and it was made worse by all my married friends viewing their weekends as “family time” making me even lonelier. I stopped asking them to meet up as they were always busy and never seemed to think to invite me along to family outings or over for dinner with the family etc which I would have loved. Even worse, people would make so many comments as if it was a good thing, saying they wished they had every other weekend child free and it must be lovely to have a whole weekend to myself to do what I wanted to do. The reality was I’d often spend the whole weekend in bed crying. My friends had no idea.

This might be the reality for your friend OP. Or it could just be that your friend is super social and extroverted and enjoys being out and about a lot. Either way, you don’t have to spend time with her if you don’t want to but if she is really a friend you ought to be able to have a chat about it. It would be nice to perhaps let her know that you find it exhausting being away from home for too long but for example you’d be fine meeting for lunch but feel you need to leave and go home after that rather than turn it into a whole day event. I’m probably guilty of wanting my friends to turn a meet up with me into a whole day event at times, the truth is that it’s so rare for me to have company and be out and enjoying myself that I just don’t want it to end and go back home to my dark lonely house on my own. But I do understand that people have other relationships to consider and other priorities etc. I’d have been very grateful if one of my friends had reached out to me in such a way to say they want to keep meeting up with me but can’t continue making it an all day event every time, I would understand that. It can be really lonely and miserable being a single parent and if you haven’t been there yourself, most people have really no idea of how difficult it is.

@Britneyfan This sounds horrible, I'm sorry you felt this way. But, without meaning to be nasty, why would friends invite you to their family meal/outting ?. Would you not have felt a bit out of place. I know I would have done.

You could also say you're doing chores but she's welcome to help or chat to you while you do them!
I like errand running and helping
Out with friends

If they're true friend they will want to include you! I've been invited to lunch etc with my friends family as the kids love me, I get on well with the partner, and they're in my area - just because I didn't have a partner to bring as a plus one doenst change any of that!

One of my close friends is in this situation, divorced, one child at uni, the other an older teenager. She definitely likes to be busy when he’s with his Dad.

She’s more sociable than me and has plenty of friends -we’re different people and I like my alone time, opposites attract and all that. I say no when she suggests something that I don’t want to do, and she usually finds another friend to go with.

Don’t fret about this, OP, and just learn to say no to shopping, or make it clear that you only have a couple of hour s free. I’m going to an event tomorrow (that I’m not hugely interested in!) with another friend and I’ve set a time limit as I want to hang out with DH/DS as well. My friend can stay as long as she wants, she’ll know other people there, but I’m not spending the whole day.

Same, I’ve been out for lunch and round for dinner at a married friends with her husband and kids. She also makes time to come for a coffee on her own. I find the militant “weekends are family time” thing quite strange tbh, my parents saw friends at weekends sometimes when I was a kid and my friends with kids and partners do too. You don’t have to commit to seeing her every other weekend of course but have you ever suggested doing something you prefer? E.g she pops to yours or you go for a quick coffee? Just tell her you don’t want to be out all day!

I can only assume you don’t have any close friends then? I’m fairly introverted but even then I’m so comfortable with my friends families! I enjoy interacting with their partner/kids and even parents, siblings etc.

I think for many, if not most people it’s pretty normal to invite friends to join a family dinner or picnic, or even just to have a coffee or watch a movie in their family home.