Sensitive * To tell new partner I'm pregnant even though I want an abortion

[Janisjoplinn]

Hi

I've just found out I'm pregnant. Contraception failure. I've been seeing him less than 4 months. I'm certain I want an abortion. I already have children and I definitely don't want anymore for a number of reasons.

Things with new man are going really well. However my gut is telling me not to tell him. I don't want to talk it through, I know my decision, and I feel by telling him I could potentially cause alot of upset. We live in a small village, I know that even if he supported me and was fine, he obviously may tell a friend and it would more than likely become village gossip no matter how unintentional. I don't even want to tell any of my friends.

I'm literally due my period tomorrow. I've done 2 tests both positives although faint, it's obvious it's 2 lines.

I'm hoping I can be sent the pills in the post. I live in a small place and a friend had an abortion before covid and it was an absoloute mission to get to the clinic, and more harrowing than it needed to be in my opinion. She was only 5 weeks pregnant at the time. I know during covid they sent pills out by post, is that still an option?

I'm concerned that due to high blood pressure which im medicated for I'll have to go in and see someone. Obviously if I have to I will but I was hoping someone may know the answer to this. I also have a bmi of 35, has this caused any problems for anyone?

Really appreciate any advice/ support.
Thanks for reading

I think if this relationship is long term then yes I would tell him, it will be incredibly difficult to keep it to yourself in the months and years ahead, what if you slip up and accidentally tell him down the line, however if it's a short term thing then no I wouldn't tell him

I don’t think it would necessarily be a difficult thing to keep secret tbh.

If you believe telling him will result in him creating issues for you, then no, don’t tell him. He may have helped cause the pregnancy, but it’s your body and entirely your business. If you don’t want to share your medical information you don’t have to.

A lot of people are posting from the point of view that this is a big secret that the OP will have to keep. Obviously for some people it is. But for many-I suspect most- it's just something that happened. A shame-but not particularly earth shattering or memorable.

I’m in the zero reason to tell him camp. Just say you have a lot on at work that fortnight and will catch up after that, or something. No drama.

This.

I’ve had an abortion and it’s not something that I think about, and nor is it something that comes up in day-to-day life at all.

I wouldn't tell him. There is absolutely zero benefit. I don't see how it could benefit you at all but there is potential for him to cause problems

This is my thought. If you plan to continue the relationship, I can't fathom keeping it from him. it is totally your choice though

Honestly I think most men, if honest, would rather not know.

@Janisjoplinn there is an option 3. You can tell him that you are pregnant but that it is not going well and you have medical issues so the pregnancy isn't going to term.

That is all true and not a lie but manages expectations. He won't get excited at the thought of a baby nor will he be immediately scared off.

You are just telling him because you thought he'd want to know and that's all. He can then show you if he will be a caring, supportive partner or if he's just in it for a good time.

I don't think you owe him anything though so if you choose not to tell him at all, that is understandable because its so early days in the relationship.

Good luck, OP.

I'm going to go against the grain - you've detailed here all the burden of worry/concern about choices in contraception options. That's 100% of the worry on you, while the other adult who is 50% responsible for it gets zero % of the burden. By not telling him you're removing all burden of concern away from the other adult in this story.

if you believe that you have a long term future together, then telling him now will give you the answer, as to whether he's someone who stands by you shoulder to shoulder, respects your decision and wants to support you, or whether he'll back away swiftly, or give you a hard time, or get judgemental with you. This is not about you changing your mind, you can make that decision, it's your body, your choice. It's about knowing how he will respond to the situation he's presented with.

I can't understand why anyone would keep that important information from someone who you have a potential future with. If you don't want the relationship to be long term, then of course there's no need to get him involved, but it sounds like you think the relationship has a future.

If more men were forced to grow a pair much sooner in life, to face up to the reality of life instead of being mollycoddled and protected from the harsh realities, they would think more carefully about the consequences, when the fun part stops.

this happened to me when I met DH - I didn't tell him at the time, as I didn't want to, it would have changed the dynamic of a new relationship in a weird way. When I did tell him some time later he agreed that I had been right and it was totally up to me, although he would have been supportive. Been married 20 years now and had 2 kids when we wanted them.

I don't think you need to tell him - but this could cause problems down the line if you want to be with him. Personally I'd tell him.

I 100% agree don't tell him. Look after yourself and your needs. Good luck

And to add, I would tell him later if things go from strength to strength between you. At that point he should be able to look back and understand your decision. That way you can engage him in the contraception conversation - it is both your responsibility

"You can tell him that you are pregnant but that it is not going well and you have medical issues so the pregnancy isn't going to term."
This is such a bad idea on so many levels....

Do what you think is best. Listen to your gut. It knows why you shouldn’t tell right now. Also the relationship is so new.

If you wanted to keep the baby or were unsure you should tell.

But I would say it’s up to you. Although I hope that you can both be honest with each other about stuff in future x

I think you're doing the right thing. It's your body and your choice and that extends to who you share your decision with. In a long term relationship they'd be more things to weigh up, but in a new relationship I can't see any reason to share this if you don't want to. I don't think it's a breach of trust, as some PPs have said, not telling someone you've been seeing for 4 months. That's still very much early days.

I wouldn’t tell anyone either in your position .
Yes small village gossip and you don’t need any pressure from the new guy .
yYou have already made your decision .

Always be truthful, no point having a relationship based on lies and deception. He has a right to know and to make his feelings known, albeit the decision is yours and yes, I would say you are making the right decision. He might agree and be fully supportive but I can pretty much guarantee if you don't by the time he finds out, and he will find out, that likely will be the end of your "relationship" so why waste his time and yours?

I wouldn't tell him. It would be different if you were in a long term relationship or if you had previously made plans to have children together, but in this scenario there is nothing to gain telling him and various bad things that could happen.

I’m not sure why you’re saying ‘he will find out’ like it’s a fact. It isn’t. Maybe it’s something you’d struggle with, but plenty wouldn’t.

I wouldn't make a concrete decision on telling him. Say nothing for now but leave the option open. You may want to tell him at some point and that is fine. Its also totally fine if you never tell him.

I'd ring BPAS for a consultation. I am not sure if your medication will preclude you from the postal method.

They'll tell you this during your consultation but you'll be incredibly fertile post procedure so take care on that front.

Best of luck.

I absolutely agree but in the OPs situation I can't see how telling him will bring anything other than additional stress and the risk of it becoming public knowledge. In reality all judgement from that public element will fall on her and all having to cope with randoms knowing very private information about her and the feelings of exposure and vulnerability of that will fall on her. So what does it achieve for the OP?

What sort of support is he going to offer realistically anyway? Best case scenario he won't be a pain in the arse about it and may offer her lifts back and forth and be nearly as useful as a decent friend.

It's not on the OP to teach mankind a lesson. She just has to do what she knows is right for her.

There’s no benefit to telling so I wouldn’t