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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Sensitive * To tell new partner I'm pregnant even though I want an abortion

100 replies

Janisjoplinn · 19/10/2023 18:10

I've just found out I'm pregnant. Contraception failure. I've been seeing him less than 4 months. I'm certain I want an abortion. I already have children and I definitely don't want anymore for a number of reasons.

Things with new man are going really well. However my gut is telling me not to tell him. I don't want to talk it through, I know my decision, and I feel by telling him I could potentially cause alot of upset. We live in a small village, I know that even if he supported me and was fine, he obviously may tell a friend and it would more than likely become village gossip no matter how unintentional. I don't even want to tell any of my friends.

I'm literally due my period tomorrow. I've done 2 tests both positives although faint, it's obvious it's 2 lines.

I'm hoping I can be sent the pills in the post. I live in a small place and a friend had an abortion before covid and it was an absoloute mission to get to the clinic, and more harrowing than it needed to be in my opinion. She was only 5 weeks pregnant at the time. I know during covid they sent pills out by post, is that still an option?

I'm concerned that due to high blood pressure which im medicated for I'll have to go in and see someone. Obviously if I have to I will but I was hoping someone may know the answer to this. I also have a bmi of 35, has this caused any problems for anyone?

Really appreciate any advice/ support.
Thanks for reading

OP posts:

BethDuttonsTwin · 19/10/2023 19:26

I wouldn't tell him.

AhBiscuits · 19/10/2023 19:27

I wouldn't tell him.

beatrix1234 · 19/10/2023 19:32

You’ve known this man for less than 4 months which is nothing, you hardly know him, you could break up further down the line once you get to know him better. I would not say anything in these circumstances, it would be a whole different story if this was a trusted long time partner.

ThisIsntThe80sPat · 19/10/2023 19:36

You're sure of your decision so I'd say nothing. Your body, your business

ASCCM · 19/10/2023 19:40

Absolutely your choice and I hope you get the privacy you deserve.

however, if you want to keep in a relationship with this man. You have to tell him. You can’t have a relationship with a lie like that wedged in between you.

HowcanIhelp123 · 19/10/2023 20:20

100% your body your choice.

But, if you want long term, I couldn't not tell him. It's too big a secret and if the shoe was on the other foot and I found out it had been kept from me, I know for me personally it would be a dealbreaker. My DH is my best friend and we were friends before we got together. I know and trust he would have supported me.

Anyone who knows could tell him. Would you really want to put yourself through an abortion and never tell anyone? Go through it all yourself? What about after if you're emotional, in pain, bleeding? Have retained products and need urgent medical care and surgery and you can't leave the hospital without someone to pick you up? You got pregnant somehow - do you need a discussion about what to change contraception-wise to ensure doesn't happen again?

He absolutely could react badly, tell people etc. It's a risk. Depends if you like him enough to take the risk, because secrets like this have a way of getting out. Maybe from someone drunk, maybe years down the line when he's with you at an antenatal appointment and the abortion is in your notes and/or you're asked if you've ever been pregnant before. Not telling him would be a cloud over your head.

Personally I'd have the abortion, not tell him but also dump him. Or take the risk of telling him and hope he reacts in a way the relationship can move forwards.

Alloveragain3 · 19/10/2023 20:24

I'd personally want my partner to know as I'd want his support now and going forward.

He should be able to keep it a secret , especially if you explain why you don't want others to know.

Completely up to you though. I hope you're okay xx

AnneLovesGilbert · 19/10/2023 20:28

Are you planning to stay with him?

Eloratheexplorer · 19/10/2023 20:29

Agree, don’t tell him. It won’t add anything - this is your body, your decision and you need to do whatever makes this process as easy as possible for you.

Datinfd · 19/10/2023 20:30

I wouldn’t tell him. As cynical as it sounds, you’ve known him four months. He could turn out to be awful. If in time you know he’s with you for the long run then I’d consider saying you had a miscarriage but didn’t want to tell him early on. However I expect in a few months if you’ve said nothing then it will become a total non issue and you’ll not think of it in the context of your relationship.

I think you can get pills by post but even if you have to go in they will just give them to you if it’s early and then you can go home.

TolkiensFallow · 19/10/2023 20:33

I would tell him.

If it works out you will need to tell him at some point as it would be a huge secret to keep from someone you spend your life with.

Telling him and how he responds will be very insightful.

However if you don’t think you stand a chance of going the distance and it’s just a bit of fun, I wouldn’t tell him.

BadBarry · 19/10/2023 20:33

If your period is due tomorrow it's so so early that I really don't think I'd not feel the need to tell in your circumstances.

ActDottie · 19/10/2023 20:33

Your body your choice but if things get serious with this relationship do you think it would be able to not tell him still? Personally I’d tell him but say you’ve made your decision etc. I’m just thinking about the future and if you did get serious.

Sconehenge · 19/10/2023 20:35

I am in two minds about this. I think if you don’t see a future together then don’t tell him, but equally if you did end up dating and becoming a couple you might feel like it’s a big secret to keep. However, if it does come to that I’m sure you could tell him down the line and just say it was very early days and you weren’t sure you would be a thing then.

I think if it’s really important to you that no one knows in your town then don’t tell him, as once you tell him he may quite justifiable confide in someone and no one can keep a secret.

Just be conscious of the fact that if you stay together you might one day feel like telling him is appropriate, so make sure your actions/words right now don’t make that conversation more difficult for your future self (eg maybe try not to outright lie about anything, just omit to tell the truth).

PerspiringElizabeth · 19/10/2023 20:35

YANBU not to tell him. Your question is ‘AIBU to tell him’ so I voted YABU 😵‍💫 so sorry if I got that the wrong way round!

So no don’t tell him.

Sconehenge · 19/10/2023 20:37

Another thought is that people who are dating should ideally talk about their views around what to do with an unwanted pregnancy and let the other know if they are staunchly anti-abortion. I’ve always been super clear to my boyfriends that I would get a termination should anything happen, so I knew that they were comfortable with this prospect.

IntheJingelyJangelyJungle · 19/10/2023 20:39

Whether you tell him or not is entirely your choice. You are being reasonable regardless, whatever you choose to do.

Re practicalities- I’d suggest contacting BPAS who offer advice and terminations (NHS funded) including medical terminations, when safe, nationally. I’m a doctor and this is where I signpost women when needed.

https://www.bpas.org/

BPAS | BPAS

The UK's leading provider of abortion services caring for women for over 50 years. BPAS has clinics and sexual health centres in England, Wales and Scotland.

https://www.bpas.org/

Katysara · 19/10/2023 20:40

I would tell him but that's me. If you stay together, it's something that he might well be hurt by, his reaction might surprise you and - honestly - I think he deserves to know. But that's irrelevant as it's your decision.

Original poster

Janisjoplinn · 19/10/2023 20:43

Thankyou for all your advice. A small part would obviously love to be open with him, but everything is telling me not too and therefore I'm trusting my instinct with this one. If it comes out later down the line then so be it. I am not interested in having any more children whatsoever. Yes I definitely agree I need a more reliable form of contraception, I've been thinking sterilisation for a while but no idea if they would agree to that.
I had an extremely allergic reaction to the mini pill recently so I can't take that. I don't know if this means I'm unable to have anything else hormonal. My best bet is probably the coil, I tried to arrange this via my gp who only has appointments for Coils once a month and was fully booked which meant we were relying on condoms. I thought we had used it properly but clearly not.

Hopefully it is all straight forward from here, I should hear back within 48 hours and have a consultation booked in.

OP posts:

Inkypot · 19/10/2023 20:45

I think it's really sad to see how swiftly women are telling you to say nothing. I would say, as a couple of others have said, tell him because his response will tell you everything you need to know. Yes it's our body as women, but it's also a life you've both created so while I wouldn't judge you (or anyone else) for ending this I do think if you're in a happy relationship with the man then it's best to share the discussion between you and him. If you end up together long term it would be a heartbreaking thing to have to keep schtum on for the rest of your lives together. Speak to him and be clear in what your feelings are from the outset. Good luck.

EatYourVegetables · 19/10/2023 20:49

Say nothing. Do it as soon as possible so it has the least impact. Good luck

SpatulaSpatula · 19/10/2023 20:58

I'd tell him. It's ultimately your choice but if you care about him it's odd that you don't want to discuss such a big decision with him. What if you feel down afterwards? What if you stay together long term and you have this massive secret? If it were possible and the roles were reversed, how would you feel if he kept it from you? I can't believe worrying about what the neighbours will say is a factor in this.

Imreallytiredandanxioustoday · 19/10/2023 21:01

I wouldn't tell him.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 19/10/2023 21:05

Absolutely fine not to tell him.

Apart from this though I'm wondering if I'm your gut something about you doesn't trust him- keep an eye on that

Sartre · 19/10/2023 21:09

Also wouldn’t tell, not really any of his business at this stage.

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