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Original poster

Sensitive * To tell new partner I'm pregnant even though I want an abortion

100 replies

Janisjoplinn · 19/10/2023 18:10

Hi

I've just found out I'm pregnant. Contraception failure. I've been seeing him less than 4 months. I'm certain I want an abortion. I already have children and I definitely don't want anymore for a number of reasons.

Things with new man are going really well. However my gut is telling me not to tell him. I don't want to talk it through, I know my decision, and I feel by telling him I could potentially cause alot of upset. We live in a small village, I know that even if he supported me and was fine, he obviously may tell a friend and it would more than likely become village gossip no matter how unintentional. I don't even want to tell any of my friends.

I'm literally due my period tomorrow. I've done 2 tests both positives although faint, it's obvious it's 2 lines.

I'm hoping I can be sent the pills in the post. I live in a small place and a friend had an abortion before covid and it was an absoloute mission to get to the clinic, and more harrowing than it needed to be in my opinion. She was only 5 weeks pregnant at the time. I know during covid they sent pills out by post, is that still an option?

I'm concerned that due to high blood pressure which im medicated for I'll have to go in and see someone. Obviously if I have to I will but I was hoping someone may know the answer to this. I also have a bmi of 35, has this caused any problems for anyone?

Really appreciate any advice/ support.
Thanks for reading

OP posts:
NoIAmNotCrazyIamUnique · 19/10/2023 21:10

Of course it is his business. He helped with the conception somewhat! If Janisjoplinn is not going to continue with the relationship with her new partner then fine, but if she sees it going further, and does not tell him then will it not eat away at her by keeping the pregnancy and termination secret.
As for Village gossip, seriously who cares? I live in a tiny village and I know how it goes, but this situation is far more important than what villagers may or may not think!

MysteryBelle · 19/10/2023 21:13

Yes, I would tell him. His character will be revealed. Which is a good thing, either way. If there is a future for you as a couple, this will never be a secret between you.

It is a difficult time for you, Op. I wish you all the best 💐

MysteryBelle · 19/10/2023 21:15

Did someone say it isn’t his business? Um, yes it is his business.

NoIAmNotCrazyIamUnique · 19/10/2023 21:18

.

slithytoveisascientist · 19/10/2023 21:25

MysteryBelle · 19/10/2023 21:15

Did someone say it isn’t his business? Um, yes it is his business.

Keeping the baby would be his business

Aborting it is not

It's a medical procedure and it is entirely the OPs business. Just like if she were to have a hysterectomy or other medical procedure

Bobloblaw84 · 19/10/2023 21:26

There are services provided online which will mail medication to you after an online screening. They have been in existence long before COVID - I used one about 10 years ago.

The process was very easy although shipping took a while so I wouldn’t delay as you can only use this method up to 10 weeks.

I found this one in the uk: https://www.gynae-centre.co.uk/our-services/medical-abortion-pills-by-post/

Please bear in mind the home option can be extremely painful. I would recommend you have someone with you, a sister or close friend, to monitor during the process. To be honest I have had both types of abortion and I would say that the surgical option was less traumatic. However the experience is different for everyone.

Best of luck.

Medical Abortion Pills By Post, UK – Pregnancy Termination

Get medical abortion pills by post for remote pregnancy termination. The Gynae Centre is a private clinic with supportive doctors and is 100% confidential.

https://www.gynae-centre.co.uk/our-services/medical-abortion-pills-by-post/

NoIAmNotCrazyIamUnique · 19/10/2023 21:36

An abortion is not a mans business? Why not? He helped in the conception.
He has a say. I know from my own experience and I have been through this. and I understand that the woman is the one who is pregnant, gives birth and the rest, but maybe it could be the father who raises the baby on his own, and does it well.

MachinesOfGod · 19/10/2023 21:40

You can contact BPAS directly, just Google the number, they provide abortion services for the NHS.

INeedAnotherName · 19/10/2023 21:41

NoIAmNotCrazyIamUnique · 19/10/2023 21:36

An abortion is not a mans business? Why not? He helped in the conception.
He has a say. I know from my own experience and I have been through this. and I understand that the woman is the one who is pregnant, gives birth and the rest, but maybe it could be the father who raises the baby on his own, and does it well.

An abortion is not a mans business? Why not? He has a say.
The law says he doesn't. And I'm glad because I remember that case where a man took a woman to court because she didn't want the baby but he did. Forced pregnancy is abhorrent.

Londonscallingme · 19/10/2023 21:45

This is tricky. I understand the appeal of not telling him but if I was serious about my relationship with him I think I would need to tell him. I wouldn’t want this hanging over me for years and risking breaking our relationship up if he found out. If I wasn’t serious about him, I wouldn’t tell him. Good luck with your decision xx

TeaGinandFags · 19/10/2023 21:49

Don't tell.

You can't guarantee what his reaction will be and it'll achieve nothing apart from sending him on an emotional rollercoaster.

Do what you need to do and let sleeping dogs lie. If you need to vent or anything we're here for you.

Good luck and be safe x

LK2610 · 19/10/2023 21:55

I agree it’s your body, your choice whether to tell him. I also agree with other posters and having been through a termination by pill at home, definitely make sure someone is there to support you. It can be pretty traumatic, the pain (though short-lived) is bad and you’ll need to keep an eye on how much you’re bleeding and so on, so it’s best to have someone with you. Even just to rub your back and make you tea x

LongLostTeacher · 19/10/2023 21:59

I’d say they’re a reason your instincts are telling you not to tell him. I would listen to that.

Different thing if you wanted to tell him, you had some doubt or wanted emotional support, but you don’t, so I wouldn’t say.

TrashedSofa · 19/10/2023 22:03

NoIAmNotCrazyIamUnique · 19/10/2023 21:36

An abortion is not a mans business? Why not? He helped in the conception.
He has a say. I know from my own experience and I have been through this. and I understand that the woman is the one who is pregnant, gives birth and the rest, but maybe it could be the father who raises the baby on his own, and does it well.

He doesn't have a say.

Which is what makes the issue of telling him somewhat complex. I'm never sure how kind it actually is to tell a man, in circumstances where he has no input at all.

rainbowsandrainclouds · 19/10/2023 22:05

I think if your gut instinct is to not tell him then that's the right decision for you. I personally would tell him but that's because I can't keep a secret from my partner (my own, not other people's) for shit generally.

I've had a medical abortion at home at 7 weeks pregnant. I got the first lot of pills, I think it was 1 or 2, at a clinic then was given 4 other small ones to insert into my vagina at home 2 days later. My partner, of 2 whole months at the time 😬, was in my house but I wasn't overly emotional and didn't really find it painful.

I hope you're OK x

slithytoveisascientist · 19/10/2023 22:07

NoIAmNotCrazyIamUnique · 19/10/2023 21:36

An abortion is not a mans business? Why not? He helped in the conception.
He has a say. I know from my own experience and I have been through this. and I understand that the woman is the one who is pregnant, gives birth and the rest, but maybe it could be the father who raises the baby on his own, and does it well.

If he were to disagree with OP, what say do you think he should have?

Force her to carry to term?

MysteryBelle · 19/10/2023 22:10

slithytoveisascientist · 19/10/2023 21:25

Keeping the baby would be his business

Aborting it is not

It's a medical procedure and it is entirely the OPs business. Just like if she were to have a hysterectomy or other medical procedure

Show quote history

No it’s not like having a hysterectomy or other procedure. And a pregnancy that he helped create is his business. Basic biology.

Vriddle · 19/10/2023 22:12

An abortion is not a mans business? Why not? He helped in the conception.
He has a say.

No, he doesn't. No say at all.

OP, at 4 months it's reasonable that you don't trust him enough to share this. And it would be a lot of trust. Some men (see above) would think they have a say. Some would tell friends or family.

Do what you need to, keep that secret forever if you want to.

slithytoveisascientist · 19/10/2023 22:16

@MysteryBelle nope not his business

CandyLeBonBon · 19/10/2023 23:24

@MysteryBelle and others who think he should have a say, what is your answer to this *"If he were to disagree with OP, what say do you think he should have?

Force her to carry to term?"*

ExhaustedMuch · 20/10/2023 07:28

It's your choice, but it's hard to build a relationship on secrecy and deception. Think carefully about the abortion. I was so sure I wanted mine, and now a long time later, I see it as one of the biggest regrets of my life.

Acornsoup · 20/10/2023 07:54

If you are going to do this anyway then I would spare him the guilt. It is your body and your choice 100%.

One thing though, if after four months this relationship doesn't have legs and you have doubts, maybe let him go. If it is a relationship with healthy respect then I would wonder why you would not want to go through this with him. Listen to your instincts.

OhamIreally · 20/10/2023 09:20

I think OP doesn't want to tell him because if he then goes on to tell other people she might get judged for what for her is a clear and straightforward decision.

It's not about keeping a secret or a deception it's about clarity of mind and what's best for OP.

I remember my mum telling me about a younger woman she worked with. The woman had children who had started school and she was starting to get her life and career on track. She found out she was pregnant and really didn't want to go ahead with the pregnancy. Her husband then told all their friends and family and she felt she had no choice but to go ahead and have the baby. My mum said the woman was devastated. (I never met this woman so it wasn't like a breach of confidence). I always wondered whether it had been deliberate sabotage on the husband's part.

Good luck OP and trust your instincts.

CurlewKate · 20/10/2023 09:22

I wouldn't tell him either.

RandomButtons · 20/10/2023 09:42

Given you have high blood pressure and have had an allergic reaction to the pill, I think pills by post is a bad idea.

Im on the fence - it would depend if you think this is a long term relationship or not.