To avoid my mother in law like the plague

[Mcemmabell]

It's not a new and novel story, mother doesn't get on with her mother-in-law. But I just feel like I would like an honest opinion about being done with me MIL. I've got two lovely boys, aged 4 and 2 and I've been married to my DH for 5 years. The in-laws live a 40 minute drive away and from the get-go have always said whenever we need help to ask for anything at all. We're super lucky because they'll take the boys every Thursday while DH and I are both working. But even though they've said they're keen to help more I never take them up on that offer, because they drive both my husband and I up the wall. Well specifically MIL. She is very self-interested and self-absorbed. Loves talking about herself and her friends. Pushing her agendas for how she thinks we should raise the kids. When either myself or my DH have struggled with something, she's just been like oh you're fine whatever.

I once mentioned how stressful a couple days I'd had alone with my newborn and 2.5 year old and she was like oh but it's not that bad though. Now I know I'm not entitled to her empathy but I also don't need to have people around who make me feel rubbish. In contrast, when she has talked about stomach problems, anxiety etc. I have provided a listening ear and sympathised with her. I really appreciate the day of childcare we get but MIL also benefits because I know she loves seeing the kids. But when I come home from work the day she and FIL have the kids, I dread coming in the door to her negativity and self-absorbed stress. When DH leaves in the morning when they have the kids, he also gets really stressed out because they needle away at him saying he needs to do stuff around the house and sort this and that. Our house is fine, and there were literally no problems with it.

She also hands in clothes and toys to the kids every week or two no matter how many times we say no more. We've literally put our collective feet down and said please only give presents at Christmas and Birthdays, many many times. The kids have way too many toys and more than enough clothes. But she does not stop.

Lastly, the last time I left the kids at her house for a few hours, when I went to pick them up she went on a diatribe about how I need to appreciate so much how hard DH works. I said yes, I really do appreciate that. She went on about how great it is that he's been working in a further away location than usual. My response: That's not good, he leaves at 7am and doesn't get back until 7pm. Her: But, he allows you to life the lifestyle you lead. My glamorous lifestyle of teaching in an inner-city primary school 3 days a week, and being a mother to two young kids the other four days (DH also works Saturdays so I get one day of help from him). I guess looking after children is not valuable, or indeed work according to my MIL.

She also bigs up how her sons are so smart and accomplished and that she wanted them to get a job that made good money. I'm like oh yeah I'm just the teacher here who wanted to make a difference, look at me with my crappy masters degree and ten years of trying to help kids.

Anyway, if you've made it this far thank you for reading and please AIBU trying to avoid her as much as possible and not ask for help even though it would make my life easier, because being around her makes me unhappy and stressed.

Did mil work when her dc were small?

Do you need them to take the kids on Thursdays or can you manage without them?

Yes, YABU!! I bet I get irritated with people more readily than you do and even I am telling you to take a deep breath!

Honestly, she sounds harmless. There's no malice in anything you've mentioned. The thing to remember is that this is your husband's mother. If you cut her off, you are hurting him and your kids. Unless she is doing something that's unsafe for the kids or that's causing you real distress, you need to do what generations of in-laws have done before you and grit your teeth!

I think you could decrease your irritation by making a couple of changes.

1. This is your husband's parent, so he gets to deal with any problems. If he won't, then the problem is between you and him, not you and your MIL. You will feel better if you can remind yourself that you're not ever responsible for dealing with her over anything difficult!
2. Donate extra toys/gifts to charity. Get your husband to remind her regularly that you don't need extra stuff. If she insists on giving it to you, remind yourself that stuff is a love language for many Boomers and give it to the needy. There will be so many kids out there who'll be grateful for it in this cost of living crisis. If she finds out and says anything, say very calmly, "we're so grateful for your gifts, but like <husband> mentioned, we can't keep them all, so we like to make sure someone gets to use them. Thank you so much for your generosity.
3. The comments about her sons are just a proud mother being a proud mother. Smile indulgently. Get your husband to big you and your work up to her.

Honestly, I don't blame you for getting irritated. I'm so irritated with a colleague that I'm taking my first holiday next week in years in order to calm down enough that I can have a conversation with him. So take it from an expert at being irritated that you need to calm down about this one! Good luck.

Having seen very similar scenarios play out over the years, and knowing some unbearably self-absorbed men and women, no YANBU. I wish we taught girls, from an early age, that they do not have to put up with anyone or anything that makes them feel uncomfortable, unhappy, or lowers their self-worth. It is extremely hard to undo or unlearn a lifetime of people pleasing, and the consequences can be utterly devastating.

Just know that you never, ever have to justify yourself for deciding to cut contact or limit contact with someone who is unwilling or unable to treat you properly. I don’t care who they are. I’ve learned it is impossible to maintain a good relationship with someone who is selfish and self absorbed. It’s not your fault, and no amount of trying will change things. Good luck.

I think I'd get more irritated by you than by her. But if you want to avoid her, then pay for your own childcare.

No, she went back to work part time when her kids were 7 and 5 though.

Just to clarify, when I say limit contact I don't mean not letting her see the kids. I mean not asking her to help outside of the day they already do. I loved my grandparents as a child and I don't want to take that away from my sons.

Just practise the diy eye roll. I used to remind myself that my mil had raised my lovely husband. I think you need to show her when you are upset..

She sounds exactly like my DM 😁

I would grin and bear it for the one day if tbe kids are happy. Just nod and smile and walk away

Honestly don’t let her get to you. My mil said my job was for “just abit of pocket money”. I’m a solicitor of many years pqe.

I think YABU. Her main crime is making you feel insecure with her boasting about her sons and not taking your stresses seriously enough. Which I do understand.
On the other hand one of her crimes is buying the kids too much. Which I don't see as being a good enough reason for you to cut her off. As for them always saying what jobs need doing round the house. I wouldn't take this to heart. My dear dad does this everytime he comes to our house. I either laugh it off with "Shall I stick a broom up my arse while I do it too?" Or I agree and say he should come and do it for us if it's bothering him.
So we're back to how she makes you feel. She does sound like a loving mum and grandparent. Personally I think you need to build some resilience here. My MIL says all sorts of batshit things. I laugh at her and give her it back, if I'm in the mood to. If not, I take no notice at all. Its your house. Instead of avoiding her and spoiling the relationship between the family. Take her on when she's talking shit. Show strength. Show humour and show gratitude for their help.

Smile and ignore. Families are usually pretty annoying, but you didn't grow up with these people so you don't have residual fondness for them.

Let her chat away. You'll be a mil one day too.

This sounds like standard MIL DIL relationship. Once a week when they are really helping you out is fine and then see them monthly socially at the weekend so it's not all take take take.

Gotta be honest, I'd rather skint myself paying for childcare than put up with that nonsense (in fact I did!)

Add repeat detailed long monologues of the numerous holidays she's had over her (long) lifetime along with pointless and endless stories about people I've never met yet feel I know intimately and you have my MIL except she doesn't take the kids one day a week. At least I can reduce contact without obligation.

I doubt she realises she is upsetting you. Family are like that sometimes, maybe she views you as close enough now that you can handle a bit of good natured criticism, which could actually be a positive thing? I feel like she means well, but just isn't good with empathy-so if that's the case you're probably better off not venting to her if she's going to dismiss your problems.

Why don’t you try changing the dynamics when you walk in, so she doesn’t have a chance to be negative?
Turn up with a little gift for everyone( a packet of chocolate buttons etc..), pizza, Fish and chips, a small bunch of flowers, box of chocolates, to show your appreciation. Anything to break the cycle you’ve got into…

You're not unreasonable, but you made a pact with the devil and you know it. In return for one day childcare per week (you know how valuable that is), you have to listen to an unhappy person lord it over you. A. You have to work out if the benefits outweigh the misery. But the longer it goes on, you'll then reach a stage where you have to be eternally grateful to them for being there the first 5 years. B. You have to work out an alternative childcare arrangement, which will probably cost a lot. C. You have to learn to enter MIL home with your own agenda asking lots of questions about your children's day and what they've learned and what new milestones they've achieved, and under that backfoot interrogation, absolutely need to have in place option B, the back-up expensive childcare.
Unless you are able to set a few boundaries, or a quid pro quo offer for something to the in-laws that equates to their childcare. There is a cost. You're paying it every time you turn up to collect your children.

YANBU, definitely not. My MIL is the same but thank god they live 4 hours away. When they visit they stay in a BnB as we have no space (on purpose) but during an 8 hour visit my MIL will talk about herself non stop, she never asks us about ours or the DC's lives and if we try and bring it up 'DC did this at nursery this week'. She promptly turns the conversation back to herself. It is mentally exhausting and tbh after a visit from them I am physically exhausted too. She also always starts her visit with 'oh, it's quite clean here today' as if she thinks I raise my children in a pigsty, drives me nuts. I give thanks every time they leave to drive back home. I would never cut contact as they are my DH and DC's family, but I absolutely could not bare frequent contact. Stick with your Thursdays, take them for what they are (aka self absorbed, boring and a little rude!) and enjoy your 6 days a week without them.

Yeah there’s nothing there that seems that bad tbh. There’s certainly nothing going on there that a swift putting her in her place wouldn’t fix fairly quickly.

‘No, we’re not interested in doing anything cosmetic to the house at the moment’.

’Yes Dh works hard to provide our lifestyle but I work equally as hard’.

Nothing rude, just to the point.

Why do you need your mil to give you sympathy? Seek it elsewhere and just don’t speak to her about those things.

The amount of people who only wanna talk about themselves is quite staggering really...I don't even mind it because I'd rather talk about others lives anyway but it's quite amusing when you finally get a word in and all you get is a slight "mm" as acknowledgement before they just go straight back to talking about themselves! They're not bad people though. Some people also just talk crap all the time because they have a need to fill the silence. She probably genuinely thinks she's helping you and you want her advice.

Also I don't really get where you have the idea she thinks "looking after children is not valuable, or indeed work according to my MIL." Just because she said you have a nice lifestyle?

I'm like oh yeah I'm just the teacher here who wanted to make a difference, look at me with my crappy masters degree and ten years of trying to help kids." seriously think you may be reading more into this and it's not meant with any offence that she happens to be proud of her sons, is it really a slight on you?

Let her chat away. You'll be a mil one day too.

And? I never understand such comments like these as if that makes a lick of difference. OP will either act the same or remember how her own MIL treated her and do the exact opposite.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable OP and as a pp said, I rather pay for the one day of childcare than deal with someone who goes out of their way to nitpick, complain, and overstep boundaries. It would be rude if it was anyone else but family always seem to get a pass just because their blood and even more so if they do the tiniest bit of childcare because you should be oh so grateful and put up with them, when it is constantly said it takes nothing to be nice. I don’t even know you OP, but I can have sympathy for your situation because it is difficult with two children under 5 and working part-time, and then having to deal with people who can’t seem to bear to say something positive.

Them constantly buying clothes and toys despite you and your DH is a problem because either you or your DH have to deal with it and sort it out giving you another chore that you don’t need to have. With what they’re choosing to spend on such things, they could be putting it into a bank account instead. They nitpick your home yet our filling it up with unnecessary stuff. I’d be tempted to say “sort it for us if it bothers you so much” every time one of them says something about your home.

You can either pay for childcare, keep it strictly business-like with MIL as a pp said, only concentrating on the children and asking question about their days and making a quick exit, or ask her why she treats you this way and see if she realises she does this. If she is knowingly doing this, then you can consider paying for childcare or tell her that you won’t accept this treatment and that you will do xyz from now on (have a think about what you want beforehand). If she is not, she will either apologise and stop or be defensive. Either way, you need to figure something out so you’re not going through this every interaction. What does your DH think, does he notice how she talks to you?

DH is never around when she's talking to me. I get home from work before him. The kids jump on me and start trying to talk to me when I get home and MIL will talk over the top of them and it's like whoa, this is a lot. I don't like ignoring my children when I haven't seen them all day. The other week, 2 year old started pulling my hair really hard and while I was saying "Ow, gentle hands. Mummy is hurting" and trying to extract the hair from his iron grip, MIL just keeps talking as if nothing is happening.

My mil used to look after our DC one day a week which seemed a lovely idea but it just caused more stress for me and DH for a multitude of reasons. Through a change of circumstances the kids started childcare instead and it has been a hundred times better. It means we’re more in control of when we see her so it doesn’t feel too much and can ask her to babysit etc without feeling bad for asking for two things in a week. If you can afford it change the arrangements.

My mil is pretty similar, except no regular childcare, I just try and get on with the other bits of her that I like, no-ones perfect