To avoid my mother in law like the plague

[Mcemmabell]

It's not a new and novel story, mother doesn't get on with her mother-in-law. But I just feel like I would like an honest opinion about being done with me MIL. I've got two lovely boys, aged 4 and 2 and I've been married to my DH for 5 years. The in-laws live a 40 minute drive away and from the get-go have always said whenever we need help to ask for anything at all. We're super lucky because they'll take the boys every Thursday while DH and I are both working. But even though they've said they're keen to help more I never take them up on that offer, because they drive both my husband and I up the wall. Well specifically MIL. She is very self-interested and self-absorbed. Loves talking about herself and her friends. Pushing her agendas for how she thinks we should raise the kids. When either myself or my DH have struggled with something, she's just been like oh you're fine whatever.

I once mentioned how stressful a couple days I'd had alone with my newborn and 2.5 year old and she was like oh but it's not that bad though. Now I know I'm not entitled to her empathy but I also don't need to have people around who make me feel rubbish. In contrast, when she has talked about stomach problems, anxiety etc. I have provided a listening ear and sympathised with her. I really appreciate the day of childcare we get but MIL also benefits because I know she loves seeing the kids. But when I come home from work the day she and FIL have the kids, I dread coming in the door to her negativity and self-absorbed stress. When DH leaves in the morning when they have the kids, he also gets really stressed out because they needle away at him saying he needs to do stuff around the house and sort this and that. Our house is fine, and there were literally no problems with it.

She also hands in clothes and toys to the kids every week or two no matter how many times we say no more. We've literally put our collective feet down and said please only give presents at Christmas and Birthdays, many many times. The kids have way too many toys and more than enough clothes. But she does not stop.

Lastly, the last time I left the kids at her house for a few hours, when I went to pick them up she went on a diatribe about how I need to appreciate so much how hard DH works. I said yes, I really do appreciate that. She went on about how great it is that he's been working in a further away location than usual. My response: That's not good, he leaves at 7am and doesn't get back until 7pm. Her: But, he allows you to life the lifestyle you lead. My glamorous lifestyle of teaching in an inner-city primary school 3 days a week, and being a mother to two young kids the other four days (DH also works Saturdays so I get one day of help from him). I guess looking after children is not valuable, or indeed work according to my MIL.

She also bigs up how her sons are so smart and accomplished and that she wanted them to get a job that made good money. I'm like oh yeah I'm just the teacher here who wanted to make a difference, look at me with my crappy masters degree and ten years of trying to help kids.

Anyway, if you've made it this far thank you for reading and please AIBU trying to avoid her as much as possible and not ask for help even though it would make my life easier, because being around her makes me unhappy and stressed.

In your place it doesn't appear to be worth the childcare.

I would pay for the childcare if you can as your mental health is worth more.

Tell your husband it is his job to bring the children to visit her when he can.

See a lot less of her.

Years ago a friend of mine had something similar.

Her MIL had begged to mind the baby 2 days after she returned to work even though my friend had a wonderful childminder.

She was only a month into the arrangement when she was very stressed.

Despite working fulltime as was her husband, her MIL was giving HER grief at the state of the house, with critical comments about being more organised.

She was VERY upset.
Her husband said ignore her, but did nothing.

It went on for a while longer and then after a hard day she cracked.
She just rang her childminder who agreed to take the baby 5 days.

Her husband and her had a falling out and she said she was doing the dropping and collecting and she was getting the grief from his mother and she wasn't putting up with it any longer.

She told him she dreaded coming home and she wasn't having it.

She was prepared to move home to her parents.

He saw how upset she really was and he had to go and tell his mother it wasn't working out.
He told his mother her cleaning remarks were very unfair and had caused huge upset.

There was huge upset and hurt feelings as her MIL had no idea her "advice" was causing such upset.
She had no explanation for why she never gave her son any "advice".

My friend was tired, worn out and overwhelmed after returning to work, and just couldn't be dealing with criticism after coming through the door.

She was much happier having her pivacy back.

Things did settled down but it was a much cooler relationship going forward.

If you are picking the DC up from Mil house, just make sure she knows what time and ask her to get the children ready to come straight out. Smile and get children straight in car and say you have to get home now as DH needs you back on time, and you have housework/dinner to do.

Since it sounds like she's generally obnoxious (to your DH as well as to you) and it's not specifically targeted at you, I'd let it wash over you.

If she says anything about how lucky you are/how hard your DH works, I'd smile pleasantly and just say, 'That's between DH and myself. I'm sure you don't intend to interfere in our relationship.'

Yanbu. She’s being rude. She is rude. She might be your MIL but she needs to keep her mouth shut.

A little unreasonable, yep! You have help, you don’t know how fortunate you are that you have at least one day of childcare sorted, for 2 kids! I assume if you want a date with your husband, you can ask them?
Mum’s tend to big up their sons as well as their own parenting. My MIL lives over 4 hours away, so she’s never had our child…I’m not sure she would if she was closer. Yet I’m still told (when I’ve said parenting is hard) to think how hard it must’ve been for her (the amount of kids and terrible husband she had)..at the start, it would grind on me and I’d feel knocked, but now I take it with a pinch of salt. So many people like to talk about themselves, some are just built that way and until you accept that, she’ll always annoy you. Be grateful they bring presents to your kids, you can always donate older toys or the gifted ones if your kids don’t play with them, to charity.
This isn’t a comment to make you feel bad, as it used to wind me up getting unsolicited advice off my MIL, but I’d love to have her around more now…my husband and I often say how nice having help would be, but then see the flip side that we don’t feel obliged at having to host family at special occasions or that there’s no expectations from us. So I guess it swings both ways. I’d try to accept her narcissism (?) and that she is how she is, and learn to appreciate the help.

I think reasonable people should treat others as they would like to be treat (treated?) themselves. Take the moral high ground and Be Nice. Remember you will probably be a MIL yourself one day.

But if she’s just spent all day looking after two small children perhaps she is desperate for some adult interaction?
Shes had to give to your children all day, so now wants time and attention from you.

I thought you were going to say some worse things.

She doesn’t sound too bad, I think you’re overreacting.

You need to develop better boundaries.

DH should be able to tell his own mum not to go on so much, why is he such a wet lettuce?

I really appreciate the day of childcare we get but MIL also benefits because I know she loves seeing the kids.

YABU. You need to appreciate the FREE childcare without dismissing it as MIL benefiting too. She is doing you and H a favour.

You sound a bit insecure. Yes, she sounds annoying but really that’s all. Sure blow up your wider family relationship because she bought too many toys it wasn’t that empathic about a couple of days you spent alone with your own children if that’s what you want to do.

Her comment about you having to appreciate your husband would be enough for me to cut ties.
I would get someone else to have the boys on Thursdays. You don’t want to be in hock to someone who has no qualms about putting you down and and going out of their way to make you feel uncomfortable about yourself.

Just pay for your own childcare. She probably saves you over £500 a month. For £500 free childcare I’d probably let her tell me anything she liked. Just because she says it doesn’t make it true.
As for the clothes and toys - donate them?

PrinceHaz

Her comment about you having to appreciate your husband would be enough for me to cut ties.

Seriously? For all we know she could be telling her son to appreciate his wife as well.

Did you want ther to call you an ambulance?

It's also pretty rude to ignore the person who's been looking after your kids for the last 8 hours, she's not a servant.

You don't like your MiL, that's clear. But instead of feeding your dislike by getting upset at every tiny thing she says and does you could try a little tolerance.

It sounds like you've already limited contact as in you'll use them for free childcare but don't socialize with them or have them as visitors. A brief chat before and after childcare seems to be where she's committing all these sins.

Just because she's proud of her sons jobs doesn't mean she's dismissing yours that's projection.

All boomer mums talk about their pals and the neighbours all the time. It's boring but not a crime!

She sounds a bit annoying but I think you should just develop a thicker skin and line up some sarcastic replies like 'Yes poor dh, he really needs to trade me in for a more aspirational wife' and then give her an eye roll.

And stop listening to her whining

These all seem minor annoyances tbh. She is your husbands mother don’t forget so you also need to think about him. I’m sure he loves his mother whether you find her abit annoying or not.

Remember one day - you could be a MIL…. If your sons partner finds you annoying for buying toys and having opinions… how would you feel? I’m sure you want to be a big part of their lives..

Speaking as a mum of a boy and I want to make sure I’m always in his life xx

This. I feel a bit sorry for your MIL.

You come across as being happy for your MIL to have your dc to save you childcare costs but you’re not happy to spend time with her outside of her days childcare.

When you arrive home from work obviously your D.C. are happy to see you. That shouldn’t prevent you from having a cuppa and a chat with MIL.

Give your D.C. a hug, ask them what exciting things they have been doing with nanna and then request they go and play whilst you chat to nanna. Anything she says that irks just let it go over your head. She sounds like a typical MIL to me.

Uurrgghhh

Yep luckily my kids are older now so don't have to see the toxic duo.

Just because they're family doesn't mean they have to be enmeshed in your whole entire lives.

I put up with the snarky comments and underhand tac tics for years before a big family argument caused a rift which although healed for pleasantries has meant they are very rarely on the radar now which totally suits us.

Careful they don't breathe the toxic into the kids op

Honestly I think people need to learn to be a bit more tolerant of others. There may well be things she finds irritating about you OP, everyone has the capacity to do and say irritating things at times. My mother has said and done things that I’ve found very difficult but she is a good person with a good heart and none of it is intended to be hurtful. I really think we’re getting to a point where a lot of people are far too quick to jump to toxicity, narcissism and other therapy buzzwords that are generally wielded with little or no psychological expertise. See a couple of PPs on here.

If you want to stop her doing the childcare, then do. But you can’t really dismiss what she’s doing with a “she loves it!” while also getting annoyed that she doesn’t (in your view) recognise the value of you being at home with two small children four days a week?? I bet she doesn’t love it as much as you think, at least for that long!

This is your husband’s mother, the most important relationship in his life apart from you and the kids. Think very hard before putting him in a horrendous position by refusing to spend time with her - none of this sounds worth it unless there is a lot more to it.

I think the issue is that SOME parents think if they do any childcare that gives them the right to be extremely pass remarkable.

Its very rude.

Nobody wants to hear that their house needs jobs doing or cleaning when they are working full-time and juggling small children.

Its not kind and its not necessary.

Working full-time with young children is hard enough, particularly today when IMO employers really get their pound of flesh out of you.

Providing childcare is very generous but if it means you have to accept a barrage of PA comments or criticisms before and after, then perhaps the price is simply too high.

Lots of parents manage to do it kindly without making young parents, in particular mothers, feel like shit, and IMO there is nothing wrong with deciding that actually no thanks, independent childcare, expensive as it absolutely is, is easier in the long run.

It never ceases to amaze me how many older woman, whom often never worked outside the home fulltime, find it so easy to be critical of todays young women trying to juggle all that they do, holding them to such a high standard.

They have zero difficulty cutting their sons or sons in law some slack though.🙄

Fairlyliz...I was about to say exactly the same! Either that or she wants to tell you about their day. I think she sounds fine, is clearly invested in the grandchildren, likes to spoil them and seems reliable. I don't think it's reasonable at all to pick up children from parents/inlaws and not have a chat. They have done you a favour. I'm new to Mumsnet but I can't believe all the "cut contact" comments, just because someone gets on one's nerves a bit. Let it all just wash over you but do get your DH to tell her all about your job etc too!

Very similar to people in my family. Not saying it’s possible but perhaps try to focus on her needs coming through her words ie.

She says- my son makes lots of money …
You hear - I need reassurance that I’m a good parent, made good parent choices, and my son is doing well

She says - you must replace this carpet
You hear - look, I have skills needed to manage a house, and would like recognition for that
You hear - I care about my family so much I want everything to be as I would have it, it makes me anxious that is not the case.

As long as she is looking after the dc well I would just let it wash over me.
I have a similar MIL and I put it down to insecurity within her so she needs attention and praise.

I have gradually discovered ways to turn the conversation around by acknowledging what she is saying eg 'yes dh is great and he works hard. I am also doing my best we are a team and we support each other which is so important these days'.