To avoid my mother in law like the plague

[Mcemmabell]

It's not a new and novel story, mother doesn't get on with her mother-in-law. But I just feel like I would like an honest opinion about being done with me MIL. I've got two lovely boys, aged 4 and 2 and I've been married to my DH for 5 years. The in-laws live a 40 minute drive away and from the get-go have always said whenever we need help to ask for anything at all. We're super lucky because they'll take the boys every Thursday while DH and I are both working. But even though they've said they're keen to help more I never take them up on that offer, because they drive both my husband and I up the wall. Well specifically MIL. She is very self-interested and self-absorbed. Loves talking about herself and her friends. Pushing her agendas for how she thinks we should raise the kids. When either myself or my DH have struggled with something, she's just been like oh you're fine whatever.

I once mentioned how stressful a couple days I'd had alone with my newborn and 2.5 year old and she was like oh but it's not that bad though. Now I know I'm not entitled to her empathy but I also don't need to have people around who make me feel rubbish. In contrast, when she has talked about stomach problems, anxiety etc. I have provided a listening ear and sympathised with her. I really appreciate the day of childcare we get but MIL also benefits because I know she loves seeing the kids. But when I come home from work the day she and FIL have the kids, I dread coming in the door to her negativity and self-absorbed stress. When DH leaves in the morning when they have the kids, he also gets really stressed out because they needle away at him saying he needs to do stuff around the house and sort this and that. Our house is fine, and there were literally no problems with it.

She also hands in clothes and toys to the kids every week or two no matter how many times we say no more. We've literally put our collective feet down and said please only give presents at Christmas and Birthdays, many many times. The kids have way too many toys and more than enough clothes. But she does not stop.

Lastly, the last time I left the kids at her house for a few hours, when I went to pick them up she went on a diatribe about how I need to appreciate so much how hard DH works. I said yes, I really do appreciate that. She went on about how great it is that he's been working in a further away location than usual. My response: That's not good, he leaves at 7am and doesn't get back until 7pm. Her: But, he allows you to life the lifestyle you lead. My glamorous lifestyle of teaching in an inner-city primary school 3 days a week, and being a mother to two young kids the other four days (DH also works Saturdays so I get one day of help from him). I guess looking after children is not valuable, or indeed work according to my MIL.

She also bigs up how her sons are so smart and accomplished and that she wanted them to get a job that made good money. I'm like oh yeah I'm just the teacher here who wanted to make a difference, look at me with my crappy masters degree and ten years of trying to help kids.

Anyway, if you've made it this far thank you for reading and please AIBU trying to avoid her as much as possible and not ask for help even though it would make my life easier, because being around her makes me unhappy and stressed.

I’m astonished people think that ‘older women’ often didn’t work outside the home. Sure there were probably stay at home mothers then, just as there are now, and nothing wrong with that if you can afford it.

However - economic reality - most women then and now, work. I grew up in the 70s. My mum worked. She was a radiographer and in fact she had a second job teaching evening classes. Most of my friends mums worked too. My Grandma worked. She was a hairdresser and had her own business. My great grandmother worked. She ran a business with my great grandfather - they had a grocer shop. All of it hard, solid graft. And they had 6 children, so I guess they needed every penny!

I really don’t think there’s such a thing as ‘free child care’. Looking after children IS hard work. Ask any childminder!

You probably do things that irritate her, too.

What is it with MILs on here? She sounds completely harmless.

Can you try and say what you're thinking a bit more? Might help you feel less frustrated. So when she says you need to appreciate him more and you say you do, I'd add on 'in the same way that he appreciates how hard i work in a difficult job and take on all of his share of parenting 6 days a week'.

But OP has been teaching primary kids all day and is now being leapt on by her children – who can’t help it, small children are selfish and have zero empathy. She might want to take her coat off, have a wee and a minute to decompress, then reconnect with her children before having further demands on her time and attention; why should MIL’s needs outweigh OP’s? OP has had to give all day, she’ll have to give more on the second shift with her children, does she have to be a bottomless pit of giving because MIL can’t pause for breath?

You need a break from her. Also a decent holiday and perhaps a childminder. She sounds super frustrating.
I would ask yourself why her judgement on your career choices are irking you so much - you know you’ve got a meaningful job, that it’s bloody hard work and that you make a marked difference in all of your students lives and then you are also parenting your two alongside that - why do you need validation from the woman who can’t stop moaning about how bad she has it and needling you both.. that’s no criticism, it’s wondering if there’s something else, aside from the bloody frustrating woman

My mother in law is a complete toxic cun…t
Not to downplay your situation in the slightest as mine is horrific but I would totally cut contact to the bare minimum for your mental health ❤️

It’s taken since Christmas Day for me to calm down enough to write this, first draft was very angry. So here is a moderated and hopefully calmer version.
Pre Christmas we agreed with in laws that we wouldn’t (as adults) exchange gifts, no need for anything and in laws trying to declutter their house. Anyhow as Christmas approached DH is down at the expensive deli buying his parents all sorts of fancy Pantone, sweets, and treats. I assume they him they bought gifts. Christmas Day rolls around and they arrive laden with gifts for the children, although more for one than the other which understandably causes drama. They buy a jumper and some socks for DH and gift me a heavily reduced (they left the price sticker on) mens travel size wash kit. It’s not the cost, I’d rather them have bought nothing, but it’s like they enjoy showing me how much they hate me by buying and intentionally leaving on the reduced price stickers. For extra info this is the second year they’ve done it, and in the past I’ve had some very random presents including a fairly unpleasant all in one fleece onesie. They also bought be a reduced to clear Easter egg, the ones that are obviously smashed and reduced to clear. This is on top of sending me (for my 40th birthday) a card saying ‘sorry for your loss’ apparently because it was lockdown (it was) and they didn’t have any other cards in the house.
Suppose I want to know if IABU but also to know what to do to stop this. I’m not into playing games? I just don’t want to have to negotiate this anymore.

Because MIL is the one who has been doing the OP the favour of free regular childcare. And it sounds like the OP expects her to piss off as soon as OP walks back in the door.

Your comment 'just to clarify' not letting her see the kids other than the day you need her to babysit is very eye opening. Basically, you want her to look after your kids when you need her but she isn't allowed when she might actually like to see them. Then, she buys your children presents which you are ungrateful for! You need to think of things from her perspective!

Pay for your own childcare then everything can be on your own terms.

Get a childminder for thursdays and give the kids to MIL and FIL every other Saturday. They might even stay over occasionally, so you have 24 hours to yourself. You'll spend more quality time with husband, more time on yourself, more sleep. Be more ready for your family time together on Sundays. If you personally feel you're benefitting, you'll also feel less resentful.

She sounds hard work OP but equally amazing having your children so much and clearly adoring them. You are extremely lucky