Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been told I was unkind and disrespectful, AIBU to think not?

91 replies

AmIUnkind · 18/10/2023 21:20

This will be a long OP because I don't want to drip feed. Also I have namechanged as the circumstances are very specific but I've been posting on Mumsnet since 2006.

Trying very hard to be succinct:

A little while ago I saw a thread on a local forum or FB page from a music teacher advertising vacancies for the instrument I play. I had clocked this teacher before and read a few threads singing her praises over the past couple of years, but didn't contact her as I had my own teacher in the same subject I was relatively happy with. But now I want to move teachers so I contacted her.

She offered me a trial lesson, so I went. I decided I really liked the whole set up (primarily she teaches in person rather than online unlike my previous teacher), only teaches adults and organises musical events amongst them, and I just liked her and got a lot out of the trial lesson she gave me.

However, she is very popular so I had to commit to future lessons with her pretty much immediately. I decided to go for it.

I contacted my current teacher by email as soon as I could (it was another 6 days before I was due to see her online), gave her the requisite 4 weeks notice to stop lessons, and wrote only kind and complimentary things about her and her teaching and my learning with her up to date. I said I felt I wanted to move on and I really felt I would benefit from in-person lessons rather than online.

She replied by email the next day - very distraught! Saying she couldn't sleep and had she said or done anything to upset me? [I was quite surprised as I would have thought she had pupils coming and going all the time over the years]. She also said she would find it too awkward to give me the 4 lessons of my notice period.

So I said that's fine, you don't have to give me the lessons but I will pay you. She said "let's have our next scheduled lesson anyway" so I went online and did that.

This is when she told me I had been unkind and disrespectful and that the normal thing to do in these circumstances would be to apologise. I was honestly so surprised - and a mixture of quite angry at being lectured to and really upset. I apologised wholeheartedly for upsetting her (although of course I never intended to). After the call I felt it had all been A BIT MUCH really. I had lessons with her for over 5 years, then I chose to change teachers, I gave notice according to her T&Cs expecting to pay for 4 more lessons. And yet this was unkind, disrespectful and I owed apologies?

Honestly - that's the shortest I can make it! But I've probably left something out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
Trampley · 18/10/2023 21:23

You acted so well, even offering to pay for the remaining 4 lessons but not have them! She sounds completely unprofessional batshit.

TomatoSandwiches · 18/10/2023 21:23

Sounds like she has no business being in the profession she is, you were perfectly decent and in no way should you have apologised.
I'd leave her a poor review tbh.

Good luck with your lovely new teacher!

MintJulia · 18/10/2023 21:25

YANBU Your relationship is a professional one and you are entitled to politely end that relationship under the terms of your agreement.

She has reacted as if your relationship is a personal one, which means either she does not know how to behave professionally or she is under some sort of strain - possibly financial - and her outburst is a result of that strain.

Either way, it is over now. I hope you get on well with your new teacher.

nibblessquibbles · 18/10/2023 21:26

You are not unreasonable at all. It's a business she's running and customers/clients will come and go. However when it's a 121 relationship like that it is harder for people to see it like that. She's clearly upset and not being rational. As you said, you've abided by the T&Cs on notice and have been more than reasonable in offering to pay the notice period and not ask for lessons.
I think she's just overreacting but at least you're rid now!

Totalwasteofpaper · 18/10/2023 21:27

She's clearly got issues. Totally unprofessional of her.

CSIblonde · 18/10/2023 21:29

Maybe she took the wanting in person tuition as being a reflection on her teaching skills? Or maybe she only has a few pupils who are all long term & she gets emotionally attached because they're regulars . Still seems a big over reaction. Dont worry about it, you gave 1 months notice & good feedback.

EvilElsa · 18/10/2023 21:29

YANBU. Very unprofessional of her!

Notimeforaname · 18/10/2023 21:30

No, she is ridiculous. You did nothing wrong.

CatherinedeBourgh · 18/10/2023 21:30

Music teachers are weird. They seem to think they own their students.

Hellostrawberries · 18/10/2023 21:30

YANBU at all! She sounds unhinged! It was a supplier / client relationship, not a love affair!

DreamTheMoors · 18/10/2023 21:31

Your online teacher sounds nutty.

Gottaworkwhatever · 18/10/2023 21:31

She’s a bit sensitive!
Dont give it a second thought, you did nothing wrong

Brocollimatilda · 18/10/2023 21:31

Completely bizarre and you were more than kind

Evaka · 18/10/2023 21:32

Absolute headbanger.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 18/10/2023 21:32

I would have thought she had pupils coming and going all the time over the years

Maybe not any more, if she's sticking with online only?

You're by no means the only one who prefers face to face, especially now the Covid panic's over, and if she's losing clients because of her choice you may have touched a nerve - even though you've behaved entirely decently

ellesbellesxxx · 18/10/2023 21:33

As a music teacher I think you were lovely, you respected the notice period and messaged kindly… absolutely it makes more sense to have in person lessons!

TheYearOfSmallThings · 18/10/2023 21:33

She's nuts, but you were generous to give her an apology and soothe her hurt feelings - she may just have an artistic temperament!

nancypowers1983 · 18/10/2023 21:35

You are not being unreasonable at all. You followed the terms and conditions that she herself set out in her contract with you. It's really unprofessional for her to have reacted as she has and particularly to lay it on thick saying she's losing sleep etc.
I'm very glad you found your new teacher who sounds absolutely lovely! Good luck with the new lessons and enjoy them. Your original teacher has her own things to work on and they are not your responsibility.

Purplecatshopaholic · 18/10/2023 21:36

Totalwasteofpaper · 18/10/2023 21:27

She's clearly got issues. Totally unprofessional of her.

This. She’s a rather delicate flower isn’t she. You did nothing wrong

Original poster
AmIUnkind · 18/10/2023 21:42

I think it's the lack of professionalism that surprised me! She's been a teacher for over 20 years. I just can't think how I was unkind or disrespectful.

OP posts:
Sueveneers · 18/10/2023 21:54

You did nothing wrong, she was unprofessional. I'd leave a bad review and explain it as you have here.

Iknowthis1 · 18/10/2023 21:57

She sounds a bit nuts. I suspect that she has something else going on in her life and her reaction wasn't really about you. Just smooth things over and move on to enjoying your new lessons.

orangegato · 18/10/2023 21:58

What a bunny boiler. People who demand apologies give me the creeps. If I wasn’t sorry enough to say it of my own accord I sure a shit am not if I’m being forced.

FlamingoQueen · 18/10/2023 22:00

Perhaps she’s lost quite a few clients lately (wonder why?) and you just bore the brunt of it. Still unprofessional though.

WiddlinDiddlin · 18/10/2023 22:03

YANBU - she is over sensitive and not properly equipped to do the job!

I provide a service to people, it involves support and much like teaching, you form a relationship with clients.

But sometimes it is right for them to move on - if I can't meet their needs, or they need a change of approach, or a billionty other reasons... (and 'because they want to' is a good enough reason!)... then thats the way it is.

Sometimes it can be a bit upsetting but it is the nature of the business, you teach people stuff, they learn, they progress, they move on. Getting upset about it and then taking it out on the client is outrageous behaviour!