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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Been told I was unkind and disrespectful, AIBU to think not?

91 replies

AmIUnkind · 18/10/2023 21:20

This will be a long OP because I don't want to drip feed. Also I have namechanged as the circumstances are very specific but I've been posting on Mumsnet since 2006.

Trying very hard to be succinct:

A little while ago I saw a thread on a local forum or FB page from a music teacher advertising vacancies for the instrument I play. I had clocked this teacher before and read a few threads singing her praises over the past couple of years, but didn't contact her as I had my own teacher in the same subject I was relatively happy with. But now I want to move teachers so I contacted her.

She offered me a trial lesson, so I went. I decided I really liked the whole set up (primarily she teaches in person rather than online unlike my previous teacher), only teaches adults and organises musical events amongst them, and I just liked her and got a lot out of the trial lesson she gave me.

However, she is very popular so I had to commit to future lessons with her pretty much immediately. I decided to go for it.

I contacted my current teacher by email as soon as I could (it was another 6 days before I was due to see her online), gave her the requisite 4 weeks notice to stop lessons, and wrote only kind and complimentary things about her and her teaching and my learning with her up to date. I said I felt I wanted to move on and I really felt I would benefit from in-person lessons rather than online.

She replied by email the next day - very distraught! Saying she couldn't sleep and had she said or done anything to upset me? [I was quite surprised as I would have thought she had pupils coming and going all the time over the years]. She also said she would find it too awkward to give me the 4 lessons of my notice period.

So I said that's fine, you don't have to give me the lessons but I will pay you. She said "let's have our next scheduled lesson anyway" so I went online and did that.

This is when she told me I had been unkind and disrespectful and that the normal thing to do in these circumstances would be to apologise. I was honestly so surprised - and a mixture of quite angry at being lectured to and really upset. I apologised wholeheartedly for upsetting her (although of course I never intended to). After the call I felt it had all been A BIT MUCH really. I had lessons with her for over 5 years, then I chose to change teachers, I gave notice according to her T&Cs expecting to pay for 4 more lessons. And yet this was unkind, disrespectful and I owed apologies?

Honestly - that's the shortest I can make it! But I've probably left something out.

AIBU?

OP posts:

desikated · 18/10/2023 22:05

My word no! You have been very polite and appropriate. She may be upset to lose you as a student but she needs to deal with that on her own time and not guilt you into feeling you've done something wrong.

You say she's been a teacher for ages - nothing to say she hasn't also been acting like this for ages as well!!!

theduchessofspork · 18/10/2023 22:08

You did everything you should. She’s just upset. She’ll get over it., Don’t worry about it.

jlpth · 18/10/2023 22:12

She's an unprofessional and strange character. You're better off without her!

PixieLaLar · 18/10/2023 22:15

YANBU and totally not the point but 5 years?! Is that a normal amount of time to continue having lessons? Maybe she’s not a very good teacher along with an unprofessional one.

stylishnot · 18/10/2023 22:16

Trampley · 18/10/2023 21:23

You acted so well, even offering to pay for the remaining 4 lessons but not have them! She sounds completely unprofessional batshit.

This. How childish of her. I can't see you were unkind at all - In fact the opposite!

JFT · 18/10/2023 22:22

I guess she's a bit 'eccentric' and she was shocked by you ending your lessons, even though it's a perfectly reasonable thing that any client / learner might cease their weekly sessions at any given time, she didn't see it coming. Maybe she's a bit of a fantasist and like routine and just thinks things will go on forever?

You were kind and polite but it's hurt her feelings and dented her ego for some reason. Maybe she's been a bit fond of you all this time? Have you considered this dynamic? You've done nothing wrong.

Peachy2005 · 18/10/2023 22:23

I hope you’re not actually paying for the remaining 3 lessons that she’s unwilling to give you. She has behaved ridiculously!

LuluBlakey1 · 18/10/2023 22:27

When she says 'you have been unkind and disrespectful' she means 'I don't like what you have done'. It's all about her reactions, not your actions. You are well-rid. Imagine how she would react in another 4 years! She is unprofessional.

MCOut · 18/10/2023 22:36

You did absolutely nothing wrong. Her reaction wasn’t normal at all so please don’t dwell on it or take it as a reflection of you. Online is a completely different experience imo and if it doesn’t work for you it was completely the right decision.

stayathomer · 18/10/2023 22:39

She sounds like either she can’t take rejection (although you did it in the best possible way!) or suffers with nerves or something.

Cockmigrant · 18/10/2023 22:51

PixieLaLar · 18/10/2023 22:15

YANBU and totally not the point but 5 years?! Is that a normal amount of time to continue having lessons? Maybe she’s not a very good teacher along with an unprofessional one.

Eh? How long do you think it takes to learn a musical instrument??
5 years is nothing! So to answer your question, yes it is a normal amount of time to have lessons.

Cockmigrant · 18/10/2023 22:56

She's being ridiculous.
OP, don't give it another thought.
You gave notice nicely, thanked her, praised her etc and said you wished to move on and wanted to switch to in-person lessons.
I'm a music teacher and anything other than "Thank you for letting me know. I'm sorry to see you go (if in fact you are...). I wish you all the best" is completely bonkers.
When you've taught music for a number of years you get used to people either giving up completely, moving away, wanting to move to another teacher, wanting a break etc. People come and go. That's the way it works. There's no point getting upset about it and you certainly shouldn't be calling people unkind and disrespectful for giving notice.
Also, if you give notice you can decide whether to take the lessons or not (some students don't want to because they might find it awkward/want to start with new teacher immediately/have given up and can't be bothered with another 4 weeks) as long as you pay the teacher! But if the teacher says well I don't want to give you the lessons because it would be too awkward then that's not on really because you are paying for a service that is not being provided, even though it's in the notice period.

porridgeisbae · 18/10/2023 22:57

You've not acted wrong in any way OP. How odd of her. x

OldPerson · 18/10/2023 22:58

The disconnect of online. You don't really get to know anyone or their circumstances. Teaching is probably her reason for self-respect and self-value. You don't know if you were her only pupil or one of many. You don't know what else is going on in her life. And you shouldn't have to worry about it. You had a contract. You gave her 4 weeks notice. She is not your responsibility. I think you're more worried that she is going to go in a downward spiral, than being "entitled" and "offended". If you are worried about that, say you'll give a good reference and end it there. If you are really worried, pass on the Sammaritan's phoneline number to her. But ALWAYS REMEMBER with mental health issues, you do not have the relationship, the background knowledge or the skillset to help. Be professional, be kind, but create a clear end. You're out of your depth.

Tanktanktank · 18/10/2023 23:01

Had something similar but not a music teacher. I had therapy sessions with a lady for over a year, she one day decided to tell me off about something and was quite awful, I decided to leave, she told me I was her only client at that time and she needed the money and I was obliged to stay. Stupidly I did just that, a month or so later I needed to rearrange an appointment but her husband answered the phone and took the message. Best thing ever because I said I would also confirm in writing, which I did, and also took the opportunity to say I wasn’t coming back.

looking back I can’t believe she made me feel the way she did when she was supposed to be helping me. I realised a long time after she manipulated me into booking the next appointment by reaching for her diary and being very firm about booking the date.

are you her only client OP?

Hedonism · 18/10/2023 23:03

She sounds like the woman who did small group music lessons with my DS when he was little. He wanted to leave. I made him stay on until the end of term, just in case he was just a bit tired etc (plus i had paid!) - it was a good couple of months. He asked every week when he could leave. I then gave the appropriate notice... She gave me a massive parenting lecture about how it's not appropriate to let children give up on things too easily and they need to learn about commitment and tenacity and I should make him do another term because he was probably just being fickle. Erm, no. Byeeeee!

PixieLaLar · 18/10/2023 23:13

Cockmigrant · 18/10/2023 22:51

Eh? How long do you think it takes to learn a musical instrument??
5 years is nothing! So to answer your question, yes it is a normal amount of time to have lessons.

Show quote history

Clearly I have never learnt a musical instrument, hence my surprise and asking the question.

adjacenttoquiteafewspheres · 18/10/2023 23:17

She be mad.

HTH.

SacAMain · 18/10/2023 23:19

You have done nothing unkind
or disrespectful
and you didn't own anyone any apology.

GirlOfTudor · 18/10/2023 23:20

Well you've made the right choice to change teachers!!

Unicorn2022 · 18/10/2023 23:31

You've done nothing wrong. Maybe she's stressed about finances and now has to find another student to take your slot and start all over again. She probably feels inadequate or like she has done something wrong. Five years is a long time to teach someone and you are moving to another teacher not giving up the instrument so she has taken it as a personal rejection.

Pythonesque · 18/10/2023 23:40

I have to admit, if one of my current students who I've been teaching for around that length of time gave me notice without an earlier "we're thinking of moving teachers / giving lessons a break / ..." I'd probably be a little surprised and disappointed. As much because if/when they are ready to move on to another teacher I'd actually quite like to help with the process of finding the next teacher. But I also hope I'd be polite and appropriate in dealing with the situation whatever happened.

Firefly1987 · 18/10/2023 23:41

I still feel bad about ditching my piano teacher because I HATED his (very old fashioned) playing style he was trying to get me to learn. First I got out of it by saying I had to do another grade to get into the music class I wanted in school (not true but I'd literally have rather done grades than this style of music) then after months of that and (sadly failing to even pass the grade!) I had to quit on him...I felt so bad but I just couldn't tell him I hated the style of music he was trying to teach me. But no OP you did nothing wrong, plus you had a very fair and non-offensive reason for switching anyway! Don't think you could've handled it any better tbh don't worry about her OTT reaction.

Lavender14 · 18/10/2023 23:45

This all sounds like a her problem.

I wouldn't lose another minute of worry over it. She shouldn't have put you in that position. I fully understand checking in to make sure you were satisfied and she hadn't said or done anything to upset or offend you and that you were happy with your time with her. Because otherwise how do we learn, right? But that should be out of professional courtesy not emotional issues with rejection and personal offence to your decision to move on. Which you've every right to.

Apollo441 · 18/10/2023 23:52

Sorry I might accidentally pressed the wrong button! To be clear, You are not being unreasonable.
Her reaction was weird. I can't see you have done anything wrong.

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