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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Been told I was unkind and disrespectful, AIBU to think not?

91 replies

AmIUnkind · 18/10/2023 21:20

This will be a long OP because I don't want to drip feed. Also I have namechanged as the circumstances are very specific but I've been posting on Mumsnet since 2006.

Trying very hard to be succinct:

A little while ago I saw a thread on a local forum or FB page from a music teacher advertising vacancies for the instrument I play. I had clocked this teacher before and read a few threads singing her praises over the past couple of years, but didn't contact her as I had my own teacher in the same subject I was relatively happy with. But now I want to move teachers so I contacted her.

She offered me a trial lesson, so I went. I decided I really liked the whole set up (primarily she teaches in person rather than online unlike my previous teacher), only teaches adults and organises musical events amongst them, and I just liked her and got a lot out of the trial lesson she gave me.

However, she is very popular so I had to commit to future lessons with her pretty much immediately. I decided to go for it.

I contacted my current teacher by email as soon as I could (it was another 6 days before I was due to see her online), gave her the requisite 4 weeks notice to stop lessons, and wrote only kind and complimentary things about her and her teaching and my learning with her up to date. I said I felt I wanted to move on and I really felt I would benefit from in-person lessons rather than online.

She replied by email the next day - very distraught! Saying she couldn't sleep and had she said or done anything to upset me? [I was quite surprised as I would have thought she had pupils coming and going all the time over the years]. She also said she would find it too awkward to give me the 4 lessons of my notice period.

So I said that's fine, you don't have to give me the lessons but I will pay you. She said "let's have our next scheduled lesson anyway" so I went online and did that.

This is when she told me I had been unkind and disrespectful and that the normal thing to do in these circumstances would be to apologise. I was honestly so surprised - and a mixture of quite angry at being lectured to and really upset. I apologised wholeheartedly for upsetting her (although of course I never intended to). After the call I felt it had all been A BIT MUCH really. I had lessons with her for over 5 years, then I chose to change teachers, I gave notice according to her T&Cs expecting to pay for 4 more lessons. And yet this was unkind, disrespectful and I owed apologies?

Honestly - that's the shortest I can make it! But I've probably left something out.

AIBU?

OP posts:
givemeasunnyday · 18/10/2023 23:58

YANBU, but she is. How ridiculous, not to mention unprofessional, of her to react like that - I think you are well out of it. I would not have been able to stop myself telling her what I thought of her attitude.

Lilacanemone · 18/10/2023 23:59

What did she want you to apologise for? Just for giving notice? Seems odd unless you said you had found a much better teacher than her or something along those lines.

PyongyangKipperbang · 19/10/2023 00:03

No you did nothing wrong. The thing that annoys me the most is that you apologised!

FatherJackHackettsUnderpantsHamper · 19/10/2023 00:16

How can she possibly have been teaching for 20 years when she sounds like she's only about 6?!

Apologise, indeed, for ending a business arrangement according to the agreed terms!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 19/10/2023 00:31

She’s a fucking loon. Don’t give her a penny.

curaçao · 19/10/2023 00:45

I feel like there must be another side to this.A music teacher will regularly have pupils quitting.

CrotchetyQuaver · 19/10/2023 00:49

The online teacher you've sacked off is bonkers (possibly partly due to too much time online and not out in the real world)
After the latest batshit comments in your lesson I just wouldn't bother with them anymore and write the money off for the outstanding lessons.
Face to face lessons are so much better!

Pocodaku · 19/10/2023 01:01

YANBU at all. She’s had a massive overreaction and was very unprofessional. You were kind and generous.

RogueFemale · 19/10/2023 01:08

UANBU and the teacher sounds weird. Also sounds weird that she demanded a contract with a notice period for music lessons. I've had a few piano teachers over the years and never has it once been suggested that there should be a contractual agreement.

Gillypie23 · 19/10/2023 01:10

She's being an unprofessional mard arse.

Rogue1001MNer · 19/10/2023 01:11

Expecting the ditched teacher to pitch up and post any time now....

mathanxiety · 19/10/2023 04:50

Your conduct was irreprochable.

The teacher made a tit of herself.

WaltzingWaters · 19/10/2023 04:57

She sounds absolutely batshit.

YireosDodeAver · 19/10/2023 05:06

She sounds totally batshit. Of course it isn't unkind ir disrespectful to terminte a music lesson arrangement if that's the right choice for you. Someone who can't cope politely with a client giving notice is really not suited to doing this kind of work. She's acting as if you are in some kind of relationship rather than being customer and service-provider.

The only unreasonable thing was offering to pay her for lessons she was too bonkers to give you due to her own weird emotional attitude. She shouldn't be paid for lessons she is refusing to give.

labamba007 · 19/10/2023 05:12

Very unprofessional! I own a business, clients sometimes leave. Even if it stings you wish them well and sometimes they come back too! You acted very kind, OP.

curaçao · 19/10/2023 05:50

It would have been more tactful to tell a white lie thay you were 'having a break' rather than you were going to amother teacher

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 19/10/2023 05:54

She sounds VERY manipulative. I think the new teacher is a grand idea.

BettyPhuckzer · 19/10/2023 06:00

You did literally NOTHING wrong. Not one thing. You were, in fact, kind and respectful

Oblomov23 · 19/10/2023 06:11

She sounds over sensitive. She can't sleep, because someone have notice? And no, you weren't rude.

autiebooklover · 19/10/2023 06:42

I've been self employed and there is a part of me that struggled with people handing in their notice . It felt like rejection- had I done anything wrong? Plus the drop in income. (I could only have so many people at one time so limited earnings)

But I would never have put that on my customers. It's business not personal. She had no right to make you feel bad or to berate you! Clearly she saw you as someone who would never leave and maybe thought you were friends? Totally inappropriate.

WimpoleHat · 19/10/2023 07:39

Another soppy drama Queen. Ridiculous. She’s offering a service and you’re paying her to provide it. When you no
longer want the service, you give the requisite notice in the contract and that’s that. She sounds completely unprofessional and a bit of a nutcase. You acted completely appropriately.

PickledPurplePickle · 19/10/2023 07:53

She needs to grow some

You haven’t done anything wrong

ballstoit · 19/10/2023 08:51

YANBU

You followed the professional's contract terms to end your professional agreement...unless it specifies that the contract must be ended with an apology (!) then you've done nothing wrong.

Original poster
AmIUnkind · 19/10/2023 09:25

curaçao · 19/10/2023 05:50

It would have been more tactful to tell a white lie thay you were 'having a break' rather than you were going to amother teacher

I did consider this ... but then thought I'd prefer to tell the truth. Not to hurt her or make her feel bad - just I didn't want to lie.

OP posts:
JMSA · 19/10/2023 09:31

You have done NOTHING wrong. Hope it all goes well with your new teacher! Smile