Those cool, messy, usually wealthy mums

[Shessodowntoearth]

I want to be one 😅
Does anyone know the type?
Usually quite a few kids, at least two, kids are lovely, but generally quite messy/put together in a kooky way.
Houses are beautiful, but messy/disorganised, beautiful pieces everywhere/decoration but with a lived in/messy vibe. The mums are the same, usually seem quite disorganised but chilled out at the same time, generally away somewhere every school holidays and don’t work.
I know quite a few mums like this near me and wonder what this life is like, mainly the having more money. I’d love to be as laid back if people come around, to not care about the mess as the house is so incredible, to not worry if my kids clothes look scruffy in a cool way and to be comfortable in myself. Is this what happens when you come from money?

@Zo49

Bookist
@Utterbunkum I must have upwards of a thousand books in the house, but they're all neatly stored on bookcases. So clearly displayed and certainly not hidden away. But tidy.

Same. Books in every room but a clean house. And not slick coffee table books for an “#aesthetic” but kids’ books, cookery ones, a big pile of our library books, fiction, non-fiction - you get the picture. I noticed that some here think having books (signifiers of how cultured they are) and having a clean house are mutually exclusive.

^^^^*
Me too.
Clean house and 2 full book cases.
Granted one is my sons - so...
But the other has some left over a level books etc
The hunger games- I couldn't read the last one too sad (saw the film)
But the Harry Potter have gone , after I read them about 50 times

@Utterbunkum thanks for commenting on minimalism. I don't think it is for everyone and I do think your home sounds fun. Your collection and books and CDs are clearly very meaningful to you, so I wouldn't classify it as clutter. To me clutter is what annoys the hell out of you. So that's what I started to donate/ recycle in a big way for the past year. You only keep stuff that is functional or actually you enjoy. I agree a kindle is not the same. I do keep my favorite books, the once I re read and donate the meh ones. But if I have my home with little stuff is because the impact of it is great for me and my family os happy with it. You certainly have more time, it's always tidy, cleaning takes no time (and we both clean it and kids do bits) and you also save lots of money from not buying stuff that does not mean anything.

@Stokey I have three kids and work full time, but I do think minimalism is easier when they are a bit older. I have a 10 year old and the other two are in their early teens. One of them naturally likes to have more stuff around and have a collection. I do let him keep it, I don't want to impose. I prefer not to mention what the big collection is about as is outing. But it is in his room and I ask him to keep it tidy. We don't buy a lot of clothes (neither of us) and the kids are happy with that. I agree also que quality furniture from charity shops. It's amazing what you can find there. We have a few bits and they are way better than ikea stuff.

@LolaSmiles I did your strategy of storage and baskets when they were small. So many bloody toys and stuff! I was desperate back them and I think they are a life saver.

@Zo49 not sure who you think said having books and a 'clean' house was mutually exclusive. Certainly wasn't me. I have never artfully placed a book on the coffee table in my life. The people coming round my house know me already. Most of our visitors are family. They know I read. Who am I going to be showing off to? The things in our house are the for us, the people who live in it. Not some sort of statement to the world. My point was that I don't feel the need to be so minimalist about things, there would be no evidence anyone even lived here.

@bookist thank you very much, that shelf looks great. As I said, we have recently relocated and I will certainly be looking at that option when my books start getting out of hand again.
As a general point on the thread at large, this isn't about showing off that I read. I don't post pictures of my interiors online. I don't have strangers round my house that I need to impress. Our house is for us to live in, not others to look at. I, like many others, have been guilty of that thing where we worry about other people's opinions to the extent that we tie ourselves in knots making sure we have cleared away every evidence of our existence in our own homes. (In my case, mostly when my mother visits). But the reality is, your home is for YOU. Nobody else. I, personally, do like a clean home, but don't consider that necessarily has to be 'tidy'. What this conversation about books has shown is that what 'clutter' is is up for debate and varies from person to person.
I couldn't live like some people do. Some people couldn't live as I do. It's human nature to pass judgement on those who don't live as we do, but not necessary to make our judgements known.
Keeping things clean, especially in kitchens is important for health and avoiding getting mice and rats as visitors. But if everyone is healthy and happy in the house, it isn't really any of our business if their home is more cluttered than we like, or how they dress their kids isn't how we would dress ours. And it doesn't matter if it's the boho mum in Brighton or the council flat down the road, if you have been invited there, it's because they will likely consider you a friend. It's not really terribly nice to sit in judgement of our friends. If you don't like their home/don't feel comfortable in it, don't go again.

Don’t be fooled

this look and lifestyle is carefully cultivated to signify to others they are from money and old money there is nothing carefree and bohemian about it

Don’t be silly. You can’t possibly know that.

And frankly, if they come from old money, they’re highly unlikely to have to ‘signal’ anything to anyone — who would they be signalling it to, exactly? Other upper-middles/upper-class people? Lower-middle class people who might just think they’re impecunious slobs with feral children unless they drop the fact that they’re in Debretts?

Oh please people from old money certainly do send out their signals to other like themselves other may try to copy this but it’s certainly a cultivated look

Well, are you sending out signals with how seldom you dust your skirting boards?

Its giving me Paddington bear mum vibes???
I think the best way is to manifest that for yourself, start making little changes around your house you make it into your dream, you don't need loads of money and it doesn't have to happen all at once! Bedt way to be chill about mess is to not have loads of clutter, because then everything has a proper home and it's not not just messy because nothing has anywhere to be, it's just not away!
Maybe find some podcasts that will help get you into the mindset, and talk to those mums you know!

We all group in some way that’s human nature

class is certainly more important to some than others and it’s intrenched in our society

Its giving me Paddington bear mum vibes???

I love the Paddington bear movie house, its definitely in my top 3 fictional houses.

I live in a very boring flat full of ikea/DMs hand me furniture though.

My dream would be to have one of those ladders that goes around the bookshelves...

Anyway, I agree with PP that it's not that big a deal when it comes to your friends. Despite my being a Brighton Boho mum, one of my closest friends is the exact opposite - hot tub/botox/kitchen island/Mrs Hinch levels of cleanliness/holidays in Dubai.

She absolutely loves coming to my messy house and says she finds it really relaxing. I enjoy being at hers and can admire her aesthetic too.

Fan of Paddington bear here!
Agree with @Utterbunkum we are all different and the fact that someone opens their door to their home is beautiful and nobody should be judging others homes.

It would be very boring if we would be all the same. My friends are all different and very different homes, lifestyles, world views etc. Regardless of money, level of tidiness and style I don't think there is any correlation in how interesting the person and also positive your friendship can be. I have plenty of friends with ikea furniture and magnolia walls. Others with amazing collections, others with items brought from travelling to South America and Asia. They all have something unique.

Massive stacks of coffee table books all over the place at ours. Because they are often much wider than shelves- they end up stacked in large piles, not for display purposes but practicality. Books are most certainly cultural signifiers, I’m always absolutely fascinated by what others are reading!

@girlswillbegirls I think the important thing to remember, especially in these days of the internet, our homes must function for us. For you, a more minimalist approach has helped you to find a happy, relaxed home and that's a good thing.
Whilst I appreciate that some of us may genuinely have events in our homes as part of work networking, etc, or checks from their landlord, or possibly social services, most of us occasionally have friends or family round and that's it. So, who are the most important people to be comfortable and happy?
If the people living in your home aren't comfortable and happy, then changes should be made. But we really shouldn't do this for others. Obviously, if you're so filthy visitors have nowhere to sit and could become ill, but that's really quite rare and often indicative of mental health issues.
My home is never going to be in Hello magazine, or even on Instagram. Most of our homes aren't. So why are any of us doing things in our own homes that aren't for our own comfort and well being? The answer is, we mostly aren't. Tidy homes are kept so by people who like tidy homes. Some people feel more comfortable in clutter. Perhaps, like me, they grew up in very neat homes and found something oppressive about it, just as some neat people grew up in messy, disorganized homes and want their own space to be neat.
Other people's lives are rarely what we think they are if all we see is what they post for public viewing. If we all focussed on our own lives, wants and needs more than judging ourselves by what someone else has and does, whether that's our parents or some stranger on the net, we might all be a little happier.

Yes - I want loads of built in shelving with one of those ladders in our front room eventually. Think they look amazing

Utterbunkum
I love your post!

What matters is the people in the house are happy.

I hate the very clinical and minimal look, but the Minimalists made a good point that Minimalism can be more of an outlook than an aesthetic so if what's in the home brings joy and isn't causing stress or burdens on the people then who's to say why the correct number of books are. I liked that outlook.

Social media often gives us windows into people's homes that we've never had previously unless we knew them well enough to have them over for dinner or coffee or a playdate.

I think there's so much going on with this (and it's a really interesting discussion).

I have ADHD and I find clutter - ie. any stuff you don't want to have 'out' but is out for whatever reason - almost physically painful. My eye registers everything in the room and it's there in my head, competing for attention with the nine other things in my head and pushing other stuff out. It's overstimulating and oppressive.

But that feeling is intensified by the fact that I know I'm the fucker who does all the shitwork in this house. If you don't consider yourself responsible for cleaning - either through your class or your sex - then it's much easier to be relaxed: you barely register it because you unconsciously know it will get done by someone else eventually.

On the broader point, my life is proof of what everyone's been saying I think. I moved from a one-up-one-down cottage in London (really hard with small kids) to a shambolic five bed Victorian, also in London. Even though the new house still needs work, mess here infinitely less stressful because a. I can move to another room and b. I unconsciously know I won't be judged for it. I can (on here!) admit that having the big Victorian house in London trumps any of the ways that I might be perceived to be 'failing' - eg. mess, chaotic life, no cash available.

I imagine that the more generations there are behind you with that same experience, the more intense that feeling of untouchability gets.

I never saw minimalism as aesthetic. I was overwhelmed by things around me and the need to constantly tidy up. I watched the program and thought that's what I needed. Because it was causing me stress.
Once stuff was kept to the necessary with a few things I actually enjoy/like, I stopped buying clothes, lots of toiletries, stationery, things like new cushions and decorations. I finally feel happy in my own home and it's always tidy and that makes me feel calm so it's for me not for others to see. I don't have Instagram or Facebook accounts, don't like that. Reducing stuff can be liberating (for some). It's just an alternative, I don't feel it's sterile or clinical. It's calming and relaxing!

girlswillbegirls
I know what you mean.
Some people hear 'minimalism' and think bare kitchen sides, white and grey decor, only dressing in 10 pieces of clothing, soulless house with no interior design, more modern art museum of operating theatre than home etc, but that's not Minimalism as an approach. That's about a certain aesthetic.

What the minimalists were saying is that what works for one person and gives them a sense of peace and calm will be different from someone else, so one person might have a minimalist outlook and feel totally at peace with multiple full bookshelves because they read the books, it brings them joy, there's no baggage to having the books. Neither would be more or less minimalist because both have taken the philosophy of only keeping what they can manage and brings them joy.

People can have colourful houses, neutral houses, very bare houses, few possessions or quite a few items in each room and still be minimalist because it's about what's enough for them, not a certain style of home.

Also just to add - I do think (and I'm aware many people reading will think 'wanker') that some people are more aesthetically motivated than others. I am an artist - it's really important to me to have beautiful things around me and (may be upgrading from wanker to cunt here, sorry) I am actually pained by things that look shit - badly designed, inharmonious colours, plastic materials. I live opposite a house with UPVC windows which have been randomly chosen, don't even match each other's ugliness, and I have literally had to train myself not to look in that direction because it genuinely upsets me. When I lived in an 'ugly' area I was totally depressed, all the time.

I think some of that is class-based - the bit we call 'taste' which is really just a class signifier to others. But some of it is not - it's innate, just randomly assigned, like being musical or literary or whatever.

I think the posh boho mums are probably - like me - reflecting a bit of each.

WinterDeWinter
I think you're right. We are far from perfect home neat freaks but when we're passing somewhere DH will comment notice more than I do on aesthetics.

We could walk down a street with lovely early 20th century properties and there's one that's been modernised in the white/grey render, black window frames, modern door with a very copy and paste front garden.

I look at it and think it looks odd, out of place and a but disjointed for the area. DH comments on the aesthetics that are "wrong" about it.

I don't see what he sees. He will say that it doesn't look weird because someone has modernised the house. It looks weird because it's not been done very well, and that it could look beautiful and stand out in a good way if it was done well.

@winterdewinter such a bad attitude. How do you manage to get through life. Do you just visit aesthetically pleasing areas?

Well, the point of my post is that it's not an attitude, it's innate - not something I've cultivated (though I do think it can be cultivated, and historically amongst the upper class it has been).

Yes, I do just visit aesthetically pleasing areas if I have a choice!

I think it would be better if more people felt like me, and ugly areas weren't built in the first place. I think even people who don't care (or have forced themselves not to because they don't have the luxury) benefit from beauty - good design, harmony, symmetry etc. It's good for the spirit, as it were. It makes me angry when for eg cheap or social housing is badly designed - I see it as a mark of contempt for the poor.

@WinterDeWinter whilst it might be innate to surround yourself with things that are aesthetically pleasing, what we find aesthetically pleasing varies from person to person. And, indeed, artist to artist, hence the differences in their work. Some artists find beauty in the ugly.
I love brown furniture. It wasn't a hardship to have to buy all that from charity shops. For some people's aesthetics, brown furniture is ugly.
You aren't a wanker for appreciating beauty. You are only a wanker if you tell others what beauty should look like for them (which you haven't done).