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Original poster

Those cool, messy, usually wealthy mums

607 replies

Shessodowntoearth · 18/10/2023 10:19

I want to be one 😅
Does anyone know the type?
Usually quite a few kids, at least two, kids are lovely, but generally quite messy/put together in a kooky way.
Houses are beautiful, but messy/disorganised, beautiful pieces everywhere/decoration but with a lived in/messy vibe. The mums are the same, usually seem quite disorganised but chilled out at the same time, generally away somewhere every school holidays and don’t work.
I know quite a few mums like this near me and wonder what this life is like, mainly the having more money. I’d love to be as laid back if people come around, to not care about the mess as the house is so incredible, to not worry if my kids clothes look scruffy in a cool way and to be comfortable in myself. Is this what happens when you come from money?

OP posts:
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Stokey · 20/10/2023 14:39

@restingbitchface30 who or what is Ms Rachel?

@1990thatsme every MN thread ends up in competitive cleaning! I never thought I was particularly slobby till I came on here and saw the pearl grasping about things like suitcases on beds.

@girlswillbegirls not sure how you do minimalist with kids. My house is definitely clean (I have a cleaner but also work) but cluttered. They clean the main bits and leave the clutter in tidier piles.

LadyFlumpalot · 20/10/2023 14:46

Ohhh I know one of these. Beautiful house in the countryside, lives completely off grid, has horses, dogs, cats and chickens. As likely to show up on the school run on horseback (but not dressage style) as in her muddy vintage Landrover. Kids run wild and free with the animals and when my DD goes for a play date she comes back muddy, exhausted, covered in horse hair and as happy as can be.

She's very old school wealthy, very very lovely and kind, very put together in a messy way. She honestly lives my dream life.

WinterDeWinter · 20/10/2023 15:36

i think the class politics aspect is interesting. There are the posher ones and then the academic ones, and I’ve known a few of both (am myself ‘creative’ and messy but v cash poor). Both are annoying in different ways. The thing that infuriates me about the posher kind is the disjunct between their performative ‘activism’ and their Tory voting habits. They’re keen not to be seen as county types, but all their liberalism is social (ie doesn’t cost them anything ) rather than economic. They are individualists, so they do their own cool thing and vote for their own kind, like they always have.

picturethispatsy · 20/10/2023 15:42

i have a friend like this.

she comes from very old money, parents are British but have a home in Africa too.

she’s absolutely lovely, very intelligent and so kind and unpretentious despite the poshest accent.

her house is not something I could live in though. The first time I visited I was sort of shocked ha. It had a decades old layer of dust on all the old vintage solid wood furniture. It was cluttered beyond imagination. There was stuff everywhere, crafting stuff everywhere, every wall was covered with bookshelves full of old books and antiques or plastered with portraits of family going back generations (not photos actual paintings people had sat for). The kitchen was cleanish but hadn’t been updated since the 1950s. You get the picture.

she doesn’t work but she home educates her 3 children (as do I) so not lazy at all and her kids all have long unbrushed hair (one of them their hair was turning into dreads) and live in mismatched scruffy old clothes. They are such lovely kids though, full of fun, kind and very clever and creative like she is.

Shraree · 20/10/2023 15:51

I agree it's largely about confidence (which often comes from upbringing).
I've been seeing reels about mums showing a sped up video of their days cleaning and tidying their houses before they pick up their kids from school.
This probably sounds awful but I automatically think how boring their lives seem. Why not get a job and hire someone else to to that? Or if I wasn't working, I wouldn't be spending my entire day cleaning, I'd end up starting a load of hobbies.
I'm aware this makes me sound entitled - and i probably am. But I genuinely couldn't think of a worse way to spend my time.
(Please note - I realise some people love cleaning. And would probably find the things I do in my life boring. Im just giving my honest perspective).
There is a definite snobby reaction I have to seeing such reels. I'm trying to be less judgemental but the feeling is there

Utterbunkum · 20/10/2023 16:29

@girlswillbegirls I have seen those types of things and I find it a little depressing. It's great it works for you, but for some of us, our homes are who we are. I don't want to hide everything away in neat storage, or de-clutter to the extent my house looks like a holiday home. We live here. I would hate our house looking as though we didn't. Years ago, when my husband and I moved into our first house, I remember my father visiting and saying, 'this first thing that strikes me about this house is music and books' and I loved that. We lived in a mid terraced. I had about 400 books, my husband the equivalent in CDs and vinyl. We had shelves and racks, but also piles. I had a stack by the bath (loved reading in the bath). Piles of CDs in the kitchen as a selection to play when washing up. We loved it. We moved to start a new life in a remote corner of the British isles where we couldn't afford to buy so we rented our terrace out and rented a tiny apartment for ourselves. DH stored his records, etc in our terrace loft, and took minimal CDs. I was limited to one box of books, and most others went to charity. I was heartbroken. Every book had been read. I often re-read them. We didn't have room in the loft, so I said goodbye to some old friends and got a kindle, but I missed seeing the about the house. Now back on the mainland, DH reunited with the music and I am working on the books. I don't want to hide them. I am not embarrassed by them, trashy novels included. They are who I am. I couldn't bear to hide it all away just to do what? Pretend we don't live there? I don't get it, it's not for me, but I do appreciate for some people, the bare minimum is relaxing. I have only been in one house like that and found it the opposite. I felt I was cluttering a space that wasn't intended to be sat in, to be honest. And the person who lived there still spent more time cleaning it because she dusted every surface every single day.

Nina1013 · 20/10/2023 18:54

MrsGalloway · 18/10/2023 12:10

This interesting. I’m from a working lower/middle class background. Both my Mum and my grandmother were absolutely militant about the house being clean and everyone being properly dressed (clean ironed clothes, polished shoes) even though there wasn’t a lot of money. I remember my Nan saying that growing up in the 1930’s in a coal mining town women who hadn’t cleaned their front step by a certain time of day would be judged.

I felt, especially, when my DC were little and I was poorer and more insecure than I am now, under huge pressure to make sure the house was clean, clothes clean and ironed, that they had all the right stuff at school and nursery etc. I agree there is a certain freedom to that kind of coolness especially for women but I can also see the other side of the coin because it is only really socially acceptable if you have money (and possibly are also thin!)

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This always interests (in a sad way) me too. My daughter is very carefree - very clever, sporty but lives in her own (wonderful!!) world. Ponies, scruffy, loves life, loves the outdoors. She is very scatty, loses things like there’s no tomorrow and regularly rips her leggings etc.

Obviously she gets clean and she has clean clothes, but it doesn’t bother me if she’s walking around with a hole in her leggings despite being told 500 times to bin them and wear some new ones, or if her trainers are muddy etc. I have nothing to prove, and don’t worry that anyone would judge us for it.

However my mum (her gran) grew up in extreme poverty, going to school with holes in her shoes etc (nice life now, comfortably off) - she will get in the car and drive to a shop to buy new stuff for her rather than let her walk around like she is if she happens to pick her up from an activity where she has left in such a state. Neither of us disagree about it (although obviously I tell her it’s completely unnecessary), but I am acutely aware that it’s to do with exactly what you say - she feels like she has something to prove because she was so looked down on for things out of her control as a child. She won’t allow my daughter to walk around in anything other than clean and tidy clothes because she doesn’t want her to feel ashamed the way she did as a child, and the thought of my mum feeling like that breaks my heart. It’s obviously scarred her deeply.

Boredandbitter · 20/10/2023 19:20

Leckhampton mums. Don't give a fuck because they can afford not to. They all di coke at the weekend.

Fairospop22 · 20/10/2023 19:24

Lucky them being kept women eh?

TheaBrandt · 20/10/2023 19:29

Where the flip is Leckhampton?! Literally never heard of it so it can’t be that cool 😀

Bookist · 20/10/2023 19:31

@Utterbunkum I must have upwards of a thousand books in the house, but they're all neatly stored on bookcases. So clearly displayed and certainly not hidden away. But tidy.

Utterbunkum · 20/10/2023 19:45

@bookist well, jolly good for you. What a superior person you are.

Bookist · 20/10/2023 19:48

Utterbunkum · 20/10/2023 19:45

@bookist well, jolly good for you. What a superior person you are.

No, just suggesting a practical way to still have all your books out on display but not in piles on the floor.

ImADevYo · 20/10/2023 19:52

Utterbunkum · 20/10/2023 19:45

@bookist well, jolly good for you. What a superior person you are.

Surely that's the logical way to keep them? You can have a place for things without hiding them away.

As much as I love books I wouldn't have piles of them all over the place because a) how would I find them and b) what if someone tripped and dropped stuff on the like a glass of water.

happypoobum · 20/10/2023 19:59

@Utterbunkum, why are you accusing someone of being “superior “ just because they store their books in, erm, a bookcase?

I have never heard of Leckhampton either, but I’m sure it’s no Brighton 😂

Utterbunkum · 20/10/2023 20:09

@Bookist sorry, shouldn't have been so abrupt.I simply have never lived anywhere with that level of wall space. We had as many shelves as we could, but I ended up stacking them in front and on top of.
@ImADevYo obviously the stacks were not in the middle of the floor! I am not quite sure what anyone would have been doing carrying drinks where I stacked the books.
My post was in response to minimalism. In the minimalist videos I have seen, nobody has shelves full of books. You aren't encouraged to keep books you have read, a thousand books even on shelves would be 'clutter'.
What I always wanted was a library, like they have in really big houses. Without one, I will shelve where I can and stack if I can't. Neatly. Out of the way of people likely to trip.

Everythinghasgonetoshit · 20/10/2023 20:10

SleepingStandingUp · 18/10/2023 11:15

Yes.

The working class version is
"Too many kids, at least two, sure they're lovely but they always look messy, like Mom didn't care what they put on. The house is alright but it's always messy and disorganised, she's got a few nice bits but it's always looked so "lived in". Mom's the same, usually disorganised and doesn't even have the decency to care, she doesn't even work. aibu to think this is neglect and I should speak to the school?"

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😂

Utterbunkum · 20/10/2023 20:12

@happypoobum it was the tone I read it in, which was my error. I never said I didn't have bookshelves, but there's only so many you can have in a two bed terrace without overwhelming the room. We did have other things that needed to go somewhere like the TV and record deck. Much as I would have loved wall to wall bookcases, l didn't have space so they overflowed.

NeelyOHara1 · 20/10/2023 20:13

To me the best thing that money can buy is freedom. Freedom from all the usual things that hold people back.

ImADevYo · 20/10/2023 20:17

Utterbunkum · 20/10/2023 20:09

@Bookist sorry, shouldn't have been so abrupt.I simply have never lived anywhere with that level of wall space. We had as many shelves as we could, but I ended up stacking them in front and on top of.
@ImADevYo obviously the stacks were not in the middle of the floor! I am not quite sure what anyone would have been doing carrying drinks where I stacked the books.
My post was in response to minimalism. In the minimalist videos I have seen, nobody has shelves full of books. You aren't encouraged to keep books you have read, a thousand books even on shelves would be 'clutter'.
What I always wanted was a library, like they have in really big houses. Without one, I will shelve where I can and stack if I can't. Neatly. Out of the way of people likely to trip.

Fair enough. Minimalism is silly it makes the house look like a hospital or some other clinical setting.
I wouldn't consider neat piles, or at least anything with a semblance of order 'messy' though.
To me mess means chucking things everywhere with no regard for what they look like or where they should be going.

MissingMoominMamma · 20/10/2023 21:04

Ohyeahwaitaminute · 18/10/2023 11:07

Try being in your 50s!
Its brilliant 😉

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I concur!!

Bookist · 20/10/2023 21:20

Utterbunkum · 20/10/2023 20:09

@Bookist sorry, shouldn't have been so abrupt.I simply have never lived anywhere with that level of wall space. We had as many shelves as we could, but I ended up stacking them in front and on top of.
@ImADevYo obviously the stacks were not in the middle of the floor! I am not quite sure what anyone would have been doing carrying drinks where I stacked the books.
My post was in response to minimalism. In the minimalist videos I have seen, nobody has shelves full of books. You aren't encouraged to keep books you have read, a thousand books even on shelves would be 'clutter'.
What I always wanted was a library, like they have in really big houses. Without one, I will shelve where I can and stack if I can't. Neatly. Out of the way of people likely to trip.

No problem. If you don't have enough wall space for bookcases, have you seen those vertical, metal book stackers (don't know the brand name sorry)? They hold books vertically, securely and neatly just like you'd piled them on top of each other, but no danger of toppling. I'll try and find a link.

Moonlightdust · 20/10/2023 21:38

Utterbunkum · 20/10/2023 10:50

@Evilwitchwhoroams I agree. We recently moved out of furnished rental, and I could never have afforded to furnish from IKEA in total, plus I don't like it much. So we trawled the charity shops. Turns out people don't want old brown furniture, so we god a large solid wood extendable dining table with 4 chairs for £30, a 60s Welsh dresser for £50....I could go on, but you get the gist. I was shocked at the cost of simply things like beside tables if bought new. £100 each for flimsy MDF crap painted in white. Nothing matches, but it's all good quality.
I grew up in a sterile environment where everything was pristine. My folks weren't in any way well off, so a lot of it was looking after things. We had the same 3 piece suite for 20 years. My mother still has kitchenware I remember from 40-odd years ago. These days, it's so throwaway, and I do wonder at these people with more money than sense buying cheap, painted tat at hugely inflated prices when there's all this stunning wood furniture being practically given away.

I also wonder at people not looking after what they have. Cleaning and maintaining things does increase their life. My mother goes a bit far, by getting all the removable bits out of the washing machine and cleaning down after every wash, but it works. She has probably extended its life by about 5 years. I am not the pristine sort, but I keep that ethos of making things last. That's the real, old fashioned working class way. You got the best you could afford when you could afford and looked after it. You had grandma's old side cabinet even if it didn't 'go' with anything because it was good quality and people with little money don't throw away useable stuff because it's not the 'right' colour. Your eldest child was expected to look after their clothes because they would be handed down to the next one.
These boho parents might no be as clean as they should be, but they don't appear to be anything like as wasteful as the aspiring middle classes. And that is how they keep hold of their money. Their kids don't have new clothes every fortnight. They don't throw out old wood furniture because it isn't fashionable.

This is very insightful.

Zo49 · 20/10/2023 22:52

Bookist · 20/10/2023 19:31

@Utterbunkum I must have upwards of a thousand books in the house, but they're all neatly stored on bookcases. So clearly displayed and certainly not hidden away. But tidy.

Same. Books in every room but a clean house. And not slick coffee table books for an “#aesthetic” but kids’ books, cookery ones, a big pile of our library books, fiction, non-fiction - you get the picture. I noticed that some here think having books (signifiers of how cultured they are) and having a clean house are mutually exclusive.