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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weddings=drama

66 replies

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 07:00

I had a lovely wedding in September...the perfect, small, budget do.
We originally had organised a big do but due to cost of living didn't want to spend thousands on 1 day so we scaled down to a registry office where only 40 guests.
My friend, who was originally invited to the big ceremony was told of the change and only invited to the meal afterwards.
She said thanks but no thanks to the meal, said it sounded like a family do and hasn't spoken to me since.
She kept trying to put me off dh before the wedding by saying she dosn't know how I cope with him being friends with his ex ( they coparent so it's good they get on.( so perhaps she dosn't approve?

OP posts:

RampantIvy · 18/10/2023 07:02

So, you uninvited your friend?
That can't have felt nice for her.

NeedToChangeName · 18/10/2023 07:05

If I was invited to a big wedding, then uninvited when it was scaled down, I'd feel embarrassed that I wasn't an A list guest and probably wouldn't attend the meal. You handled that badly

Can't comment on your DH. More info required

Lamelie · 18/10/2023 07:06

RampantIvy · 18/10/2023 07:02

So, you uninvited your friend?
That can't have felt nice for her.

Don’t be ridiculous. My bff had a family only registrars ceremony then meal afterwards. Did you misread that friend was invited to the meal?

TidyDancer · 18/10/2023 07:12

How did you tell your friend that she was uninvited? As in, did you fully explain the reasons behind it?

It's understandable that she would be hurt by what happened but whether she is reasonable or not depends on what you've said I think. And (perhaps to a lesser degree) who still made the cut.

Original poster

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 07:13

No friends were invited to the ceremony as we had only 40 spaces and prioritised family.
We didn't uninvite her...she got an invite to the meal.
My other friends who were also. " uninvited" were very understanding and had a lovely time at the meal including one friend who was originally going to be a witness but we had to ask family instead.
Perhaps she didn't realise that I was scaling back because of budget. I might text her and explain.
However this brings me to my point...weddings= drama and upset.

OP posts:

Original poster

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 07:15

Who made the cut?!!! 😅😅😅
As I said very clearly in my op...family to the ceremony. Friends afterwards. As much as I love my friends, dad, aunties and cousins had to come 1st!

OP posts:

PenguinRainbows · 18/10/2023 07:17

However this brings me to my point...weddings= drama and upset.

Not if you don’t dick people around.

Zanatdy · 18/10/2023 07:18

If you didn’t tell her it was because of budget and no friends were invited maybe she’s feeling offended. I’d have personally wrote to everyone I uninvited from the ceremony to explain that due to cost of living having to scale back. I’m sure people will understand when they know the reasons, and if they don’t then yeah I wouldn’t bother with them. But I think you should explain

WaltzingWaters · 18/10/2023 07:20

I think if you explained the situation to this friend, and had given them plenty of notice of the change so they hadn’t spent out money on things (outfit, hotel, gift etc) for the original planned big wedding, then just ignore them.

Enko · 18/10/2023 07:20

I'm not sure it's weddings =drama. Here it sounds more like a lack of communication on your side to your friend caused hurt feelings. If you are not sure that she understood your reasoning why then it's not the wedding that's the issue it's your lack of communication with your friend.

The other part about your dh and his x being friends depends a lot on what was said.

Last few weddings I am aware of went without drama. I expected an invite for one (nephew) but didn't get one. We sent card and gift for congratulations anyway. Other 2 are dhs Goddaughter. That one went really well. Last one was a couple in their 60s again. No drama. The brides daughter said it was the happiest wedding she has ever attended.

All of these weddings were from what I understand around the size of yours.

Againstmachine · 18/10/2023 07:20

She was originally invited, and then cut from list.

I don't see point of not at ceremony but for meal that sounds weird as you are usually invited to the day part including ceremony, or just the night do.

Weddings aren't cheap to attend, so I can understand the decline.

Fairyliz · 18/10/2023 07:21

Your first post reads like you originally invited say 100 people then decided to cut back and told 60 they could not now come.
If that is true I would be a bit upset not to make the cut. If I’ve misunderstood I think you will find I’m not the only one.

Trampley · 18/10/2023 07:21

As long as it was explained why, I don't see a problem as a friend and I'd have understood totally!

If you didn't explain though, then that's pretty poor on your part and no wonder she felt hurt.

Her opinion about your DH is neither here nor there really...it's just her opinion, looking out for you, although it's not something I'd say even if I thought it.

DappledThings · 18/10/2023 07:21

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 07:15

Who made the cut?!!! 😅😅😅
As I said very clearly in my op...family to the ceremony. Friends afterwards. As much as I love my friends, dad, aunties and cousins had to come 1st!

Really? I was uninvited to my cousin's wedding because of covid and the restrictions to 30 guests. Totally understood, no drama and I sincerely hope I was bumped for a friend. I wouldn't expect a cousin to take precedence.

Kittenkitty · 18/10/2023 07:24

So your husband had no friends attend either?

violetcuriosity · 18/10/2023 07:30

Not sure why people are jumping on you here 😂.

It's obviously playing on your mind, why not just message and say you can sense an atmosphere and in case it's because of the change in wedding circumstances here's why etc and hope to move on with the friendship now it's been cleared up.

Original poster

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 07:37

People are jumping on me as it's the usual mn pile on.
No one appears to be reading my op...40 as we can't afford more and yes, cousins do get 1st dibs as I love them and we are very close.

OP posts:

Original poster

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 07:38

I do agree that communication was unclear.

OP posts:

MassageForLife · 18/10/2023 07:42

That's an odd way to scale back - the meal is usually the most expensive bit, per head. Having a smaller wedding ceremony doesn't usually save 'thousands'.

Acrasia · 18/10/2023 07:47

Do you think had there not been a cost of living crisis and you went ahead with your original plans, that you would still think weddings = drama & upset? Or is it more changing plans, whatever the event, is the cause?

HattieIou · 18/10/2023 07:50

You invited your friend, then uninvited her. You haven't explained why to her because you've now said you're going to text and explain why. So of course she is going to feel hurt being invited, then uninvited and no explanation given.

Weddings don't = drama, but your one seems to have yes. You may not have handled it too well.

MarathonBarbie · 18/10/2023 07:57

When you say she was ‘originally invited’ do you mean she had an invite and then that was withdrawn, or just that she was on the list and expected an invite?

Either way, there doesn’t appear to be all that much drama, she was invited, declined and doesn’t seem to have made a fuss so far. Just carry on as normal, contact her as you generally would and she can decide what she wants to do, no drama needed.

SpongeBob2022 · 18/10/2023 08:01

I think you're getting a hard time from people here.

I'll concede it's a bit strange if its true you didn't explain. But if I was your friend I'd just assume it was something like that...my mind wouldn't jump straight to taking it so personally and I agree it's drama over nothing.

I think it's really important that co-parents get on so if anything it would put me off if they didn't.

The only time I've seen drama at a wedding is on here but I guess families can be complex and arranging weddings can be quite stressful so I do see how it can happen.

YourNameGoesHere · 18/10/2023 08:03

I don't understand how this was due to saving money? The ceremony bit is the cheapest part, far cheaper than the meal, unless you got the guests to pay for their own meal?

No wonder she feels hurt. I'm also sceptical that anyone is closer to their cousins, aunts and other extended family that they would invite them above some of their friends.

Cinai · 18/10/2023 08:27

I understand the saving money bit, having just booked my own wedding. For ceremony spaces that are not the registry office, I’ve been quoted around 1k (plus additional costs for the registrar to attend) if I’d chosen the registry office it would have been around £100 but it would have meant limiting guest numbers. Ceremonies are not cheap either and registry office ceremonies have strict max numbers.

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