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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weddings=drama

66 replies

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 07:00

I had a lovely wedding in September...the perfect, small, budget do.
We originally had organised a big do but due to cost of living didn't want to spend thousands on 1 day so we scaled down to a registry office where only 40 guests.
My friend, who was originally invited to the big ceremony was told of the change and only invited to the meal afterwards.
She said thanks but no thanks to the meal, said it sounded like a family do and hasn't spoken to me since.
She kept trying to put me off dh before the wedding by saying she dosn't know how I cope with him being friends with his ex ( they coparent so it's good they get on.( so perhaps she dosn't approve?

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 18/10/2023 08:32

Everyone had to pay for their own meal.

OP posts:
YourNameGoesHere · 18/10/2023 08:35

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 08:32

Everyone had to pay for their own meal.

I'm not surprised she declined then to be honest. It's basically just a meal out at that point where she would be unlikely to even get chance to chat to you but feel obligated to also get you a gift as it's your wedding. If I were her I'd much rather just go for dinner then two of you at another point, maybe suggest that to her.

rookiemere · 18/10/2023 08:44

I don't think it's the friend causing the drama here.

You decided to scale back your wedding from a full day event to registry office and people paying for their own dinner. Absolutely understand that you don't want to spend £££ and rethought your original plans, but it sounds like to didn't explain that well to people.

Also it's a bit crass to ask guests to come to a celebration of a formal event and then get them to pay for their own dinner. NB this doesn't apply to a birthday celebration where it's made clear originally that people would pay their own.

Gnomegnomegnome · 18/10/2023 08:52

What reason did you give for changing it?

This is why we eloped!

PenguinRainbows · 18/10/2023 08:57

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 08:32

Everyone had to pay for their own meal.

That’s awful.

Nobody is jumping on you because it’s “the MN way”.

People are responding this way because you treated your guests awfully. You uninvited some and the ones you did allow to attend had to pay for themselves!

Lastarse · 18/10/2023 09:04

You had the wedding the way you wanted it and now you are annoyed you have lost a friend as a result of uninviting her and her not wanting to pay for her wedding dinner ? It may have made perfect sense to you but as a friend this wouldn’t have made sense to me.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2023 09:10

You didn’t even invite her to a wedding then. You asked if she wanted to pay for her own meal for your celebration. She didn’t fancy it, was possibly quite offended by it and she’s taking a break from you.

Weddings absolutely don’t equal drama but yours seems to have been the reason for a huge number of dramatic threads for a variety of different reasons. Some people and therefore some weddings sadly do create drama.

Try and put it behind you.

HattieIou · 18/10/2023 09:16

Maybe she's a but put out, it's not really the done thing to ask someone to go through the expense of coming to your wedding, new outfit, drinks, make up, hair, gift for the bride and groom, oh and now can you pay for your meal as well!! Yeah that's not on at all.

MassageForLife · 18/10/2023 09:21

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 08:32

Everyone had to pay for their own meal.

Oh wow!

So you dropped her from the most significant bit, but wanted her to pay for the honour of seeing you afterwards?

Honestly in that situation I would much rather be told that I can't come at all due to numbers/money!

PrimalOwl10 · 18/10/2023 09:26

So you sent an invite to bigger wedding decided it wasn't worth spending the money on people to attend then only invited her to the meal. That's beyond rude. I'm not suprised she didn't come. That's really bad manners.

PrimalOwl10 · 18/10/2023 09:30

You made people pay for their own meal. That's disgraceful I'm not suprised she declined. You couldn't be bothered to pay for people to attend so you got them to pay for the meal. I hope you didn't expect gifts. Thats beyond grabby behavior. Your wedding will be talked about for all the wrong reasons.

Cumbrianlife · 18/10/2023 09:47

That's one hell of a drip feed. You're not invited to the wedding but if you want to pay for a meal you can come to the reception?

Whinge · 18/10/2023 09:51

Cumbrianlife · 18/10/2023 09:47

That's one hell of a drip feed. You're not invited to the wedding but if you want to pay for a meal you can come to the reception?

Yep. I'm surprised she was the only one to decline. No wonder you saved so much money. Please tell me you didn't expect people to pay for the meal and also bring a gift. Hmm

newamsterdam · 18/10/2023 09:53

NeedToChangeName · 18/10/2023 07:05

If I was invited to a big wedding, then uninvited when it was scaled down, I'd feel embarrassed that I wasn't an A list guest and probably wouldn't attend the meal. You handled that badly

Can't comment on your DH. More info required

I can't imagine being this self absorbed.

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 18/10/2023 09:55

You didn't make it clear that you'd only invited family tbh

And the drip feed about paying for you own meal is a hell of a drip feed.

You didn't explain it well, downgraded all friends and then asked them to pay for themselves

No surprise she decline tbh

NutellaNut · 18/10/2023 10:09

I expect this is just the first of your friends to react negatively to being uninvited to the wedding and then told they could come to a meal but had to pay for it! It’s only been a few weeks, expect other friends to be strangely ‘unavailable’ in the coming months.

Totalwasteofpaper · 18/10/2023 10:28

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 08:32

Everyone had to pay for their own meal.

I am the first to say wedding = drama. And it's normally from someone you don't expect/least expect.

However, you invited her to a wedding and then rescinded and invited her to buy her own dinner.
I am amazed she was the only one who declined.

If you literally couldn't afford a meal for 40 (let's assume be generous as and assume £100 per head Inc alcohol so £4k)... How were you ever planning a full scale wedding???

honestly, it's very unusual but I suppose what's done is done.

The whole thing is intriguing
Did you have a gift list? Did people bring gifts???
Did the wait staff have to go round billing and taking payment from everyone separately? It all sounds so awkward.... 🥴

Original poster
malificent7 · 18/10/2023 10:52

Well everyone else did pay as a wedding gift and were happy too. We sent everyone a letter explaining our decision. I did text our friend instead and i reread the texts. I explained it to her so y its the mn way.

OP posts:
YourNameGoesHere · 18/10/2023 10:54

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 10:52

Well everyone else did pay as a wedding gift and were happy too. We sent everyone a letter explaining our decision. I did text our friend instead and i reread the texts. I explained it to her so y its the mn way.

You sent everyone a physical letter? Goodness me that must have cost a fortune in postage!

What did your text say exactly?

PenguinRainbows · 18/10/2023 10:56

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 10:52

Well everyone else did pay as a wedding gift and were happy too. We sent everyone a letter explaining our decision. I did text our friend instead and i reread the texts. I explained it to her so y its the mn way.

No, it’s not “the MN way”.

Explaining your awful behaviour does make it okay. It was rude of you to uninvite her and it was awful that you asked your guests to pay.

Your wedding will not be a happy memory in their minds no matter how polite they are and say they had a lovely time.

SecondUsername4me · 18/10/2023 10:58

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 08:32

Everyone had to pay for their own meal.

Seriously?

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 18/10/2023 11:01

Classic MN response from OP tbh
OP: makes a post in AIBU
Posters: Ye, you're being unreasonable
OP: er no I'm not, stop dog piling

SleepingStandingUp · 18/10/2023 11:04

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 07:38

I do agree that communication was unclear.

This is the key point.

Look, due to financial reasons we've had to cut the wedding down and the only way to do that is have family only at the ceremony and then all our dear friends afterwards. I hope you understand.

Or

Change of plan, were moving the wedding. You can come to the meal. It's at 7 an hour's drive away from here and it's pay your own. I've included a gift list.

Very different attitudes to the same issue will get very different replies

Original poster
malificent7 · 18/10/2023 11:05

We paid for drinks and appetisers. We asked for no gifts. I WAS awkward asking but we are brassic atm. Col etc. It turned out to be lovely but I was gutted not to have the big white do.
Anyway clearly I am horrid...must be why I have no mates!

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 18/10/2023 11:07

This is why i wanted to elope.
So all my guests lied when they said it was a beautiful day. Er ok.
And yes...mn is full of vile bullies so I cant be bothered anymore. I should have learned from bitter experience.

OP posts:
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