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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weddings=drama

66 replies

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 07:00

I had a lovely wedding in September...the perfect, small, budget do.
We originally had organised a big do but due to cost of living didn't want to spend thousands on 1 day so we scaled down to a registry office where only 40 guests.
My friend, who was originally invited to the big ceremony was told of the change and only invited to the meal afterwards.
She said thanks but no thanks to the meal, said it sounded like a family do and hasn't spoken to me since.
She kept trying to put me off dh before the wedding by saying she dosn't know how I cope with him being friends with his ex ( they coparent so it's good they get on.( so perhaps she dosn't approve?

OP posts:
Original poster
malificent7 · 18/10/2023 11:08

Abd i expect the bitching to rumble on with "havn't heard from op for a while." Knock yourselves out!

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 18/10/2023 11:08

I’d be slightly miffed if I had been originally invited to my friends wedding then down graded to a meal(that I had to pay for myself) the important part is the ceremony and not to be invited to that is disappointing.

if you had originally set out to have a small wedding then that’s fine but to be downgraded is a bit shit.

if I couldn’t have afforded to pay for my guests I would have got married with our parents there and that would have been it.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/10/2023 11:09

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 11:05

We paid for drinks and appetisers. We asked for no gifts. I WAS awkward asking but we are brassic atm. Col etc. It turned out to be lovely but I was gutted not to have the big white do.
Anyway clearly I am horrid...must be why I have no mates!

No need to stop because everyone isn't piling on to say she's an awful friend and of course she should want to pay for her own meal at your wedding.

If money is tight them personally I think you scale it back to what YOU can afford, not put the costs on everyone else. So if you can afford the registry office do and dinner for 12, that's what you do. If you can afford 12 somewhere fancy or 40 somewhere less fancy, you make a choice.

And I say this as someone who paid train fare, hotel money, my own meal and still put £100 in the card so I feel your friends pain. After all, there is a COL crisis.

PenguinRainbows · 18/10/2023 11:21

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 11:07

This is why i wanted to elope.
So all my guests lied when they said it was a beautiful day. Er ok.
And yes...mn is full of vile bullies so I cant be bothered anymore. I should have learned from bitter experience.

Yes, that’s what people say to be polite. They have to say it.

Nobody is actually going to say to your face how rude you were.

PrimalOwl10 · 18/10/2023 11:31

Do you think the col crisis doesn't affect anyone else op? You were prepared to pay and decided to it wasn't worth it so passed the cost onto your guests. It's not bitchy to point that out, it's very evident why your friend had cut you off. I suspect loads of people family were polite to your face but spoke about the cheek of it. Do you have an fancy dress and flowers on the table a dj? A wedding can be done just as cheap in a village hall or a social club with buffet food, you chose a sit down meal but the footed the bill onto the guests.

Againstmachine · 18/10/2023 12:33

malificent7 · 18/10/2023 11:05

We paid for drinks and appetisers. We asked for no gifts. I WAS awkward asking but we are brassic atm. Col etc. It turned out to be lovely but I was gutted not to have the big white do.
Anyway clearly I am horrid...must be why I have no mates!

You keep trotting out cost of living well you could have just done register office with no guests, but you have a meal which everyone pays for.

The OP seems to only think COL only is relevant to her.

HattieIou · 18/10/2023 12:55

I think this post is a troll to be honest. How come someone think it's OK to arrange the big do, then uninvite people and scale it back (obviously this is fine), and then by the way we can't afford it so you need to fund it for us please.

McQueensMuse · 18/10/2023 13:18

This thread is evidence of you can't please all the people all the time.

I'm buggering off to get married and a couple of friends are upset they are not coming.
I've explained that even if we could afford it (we can't) we don't want to spend hundreds/thousands on a big do.
They have asked if they can come and pay their own way and don't see any issue with asking others to do the same, But according to most on this thread that would make me a terrible person.
I don't agree that it's an awful thing to do, but I wouldn't be comfortable with it.

OP it's done now and you shouldn't have to apologise, Your friend had the option to attend and chose not to.

Invite her out for dinner and see what happens?

HattieIou · 18/10/2023 13:23

@McQueensMuse someone asking to come and pay their own way is very different to being uninvited and then asked to pay for the meal.

McQueensMuse · 18/10/2023 13:34

HattieIou · 18/10/2023 13:23

@McQueensMuse someone asking to come and pay their own way is very different to being uninvited and then asked to pay for the meal.

Yeah it is, Absolutely.
My point was that some would be absolutely fine with it, Others would see it as a slight.

AnneLovesGilbert · 18/10/2023 13:58

You’re stropping now. From recollection, you hoped your dad would pay for the wedding you wanted and he said no which is presumably why you had to change your plans, not the cost of living. Which, to be fair, is a good reason someone might not want to pay for a meal of your choosing instead of attending a normal type of wedding.

You asked a question and don’t like the responses, especially following the drip feed. That doesn’t make MN horrible or the posters bitches.

You got married to the man you love, the ex drama seems to have been resolved, why not just be happy about the good things rather than focussing on one person and getting so aggressive about it all?

Original poster
malificent7 · 18/10/2023 14:36

I wasn't being aggressive about the 1 person. I was being aggressive to the person who said my guests wouldn't have had a good time and were lying and being polite. How do you know?!
It was an optional event. My closest understood and I didn't do any big, fancy expensive hen do etc.
Lots of people said no and I'm not blaming them but to say everyone thought it was a cheek is off. No-one stayed overnight as it was an afternoon event so they saved costs that way and the meal was £20pp.
I actually wanted to elope but dad would have been gutted.
No idea why im trying to justify myself here but to say the guests are lying is a very low blow. My dad especially loved it( prob as it didn't cost him thousands in the end!)

OP posts:
PrimalOwl10 · 18/10/2023 15:18

The fact people bowed out says alot op they thought you would being rude. You didn't want to to put her hand in your pocket but expected them to. Family would have been obligated to come but what posters are saying I doubt they were pleased about paying they wouldn't have necessarily voiced that. Now your wondering why one friend isn't interested in being your friend anymore is pretty evident why.

HattieIou · 18/10/2023 15:45

Do you realise why lots of people said no? People spend enough as a wedding guests, it's not cheap as a guest just like it's not cheap as the happy couple. But a family of 4 suddenly have an extra £80 to pay on an already expensive day. Some people just don't deal with that too well, sounds like your friend was one of those people.

Aquamarine1029 · 18/10/2023 15:53

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

ButWhatAboutTheBees · 18/10/2023 15:57

Lots of people said no but you're obsessing over one?

Give over

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