Organising a parents night out (school) - AIBU

[Hellenabe]

Our class is friendly but do nothing outside school. Completely fine. Im close friends with a few and see them separately.

Ages ago i was tasked with organising a night out before because there were new parents but all were busy. No one ever tried to organise a night out before or since (again fine). All said busy (but in a nice way), some obviously not wanting to interract. I was tasked to sort it out as I'm quite friendly but I think it made me seem a bit desperate trying to get parents together. I don't need more friends if im honest.

I read the mumsnet threads where parents now say they feel left out of different school run groups but a few of us want to do something together so do i again put it out to everyone? I don't want to offend people but at the same time its annoying that no one organises anything so I now prefer being with the ones who are more available. WWYD?

OP nobody thinks you look desperate. Everyone will think you’re a saint because it means they aren’t the ones with this brutal task.

we have quite an active parental get together scene. We are Y2. The woman (you) who often takes on this task now does it like this:

• asks a select few who always turn up and go the dates they can do (Barrie down to two).
• puts it to a vote for whole year group on WhatsApp and selects whichever has the majority
• books a venue and tells people that’s the set menu and deposit if they still want to come.
• always drop outs and always late comers so she doesn’t book for exact number but round it up then two weeks before tells restaurant final number.

This is the lowest amount of admin. She used to give everyone votes on where we would meet, dates etc. Of course nobody agreed and it was carnage so she just told people two date choices then tell us where we are meeting. Works really well.

Maybe with Christmas around the corner (nearly anyway and apologies for the c word) if your city has a Christmas market put something like “a few of us are taking kids to Xmas market on x date at x time if anyone else wants to join more than welcome”. I know a few people have abit of anxiety doing school things without kids and this might break the ice gently and encourage more meet ups in the future?

My kids have all left school now and we had parent reps in primary (sometimes me) so it’s hardly some new outlandish thing. And some of the replies on this thread illustrate why it’s such a thankless job. You just can’t please everyone. People either think you’re cliquey and excluding, or pushy and intrusive. 🤷🏼‍♀️

OP I think it’s fine to just invite your friends who you know will come and if it’s a dinner that needs booking, and money sorting that’s what I’d do. There’s nothing worse than booking for people who say they’ll come then a large percentage not turning up and in some cases leaving you to pay the deposit for the no-shows (ask me how I know 🙄)

If you feel like making it a wider event I’d do what a few people have suggested - choose a date that works for your friends who you know will come, make it drinks at a pub that (a) doesn’t require booking and (b) everyone just pays as they go, and just put the message out there for anyone who wants to come.

Yes, this is the obvious solution. Honestly, OP, don’t overthink it, just because a subsection of Mn is obsessed with school ‘cliques’, even if they then often sound equally offended to be invited. We put a general invitation out on the class WhatsApp once or twice when a few of us thought we would like to go out (DS only joined the school in Year 3, so I don’t know what went on earlier), and eventually evolved a separate group who went out regularly from people who came, plus anyone they invited, and any new parents.

Class reps and class parents’ WhatsApp are quite normal, ime, and DS has been to four schools in two countries.

@bluepurpleangel you are probably right, I don't want to do this job! I'm very much a doer so I found it embarrassing when the school asked for things to be done by the class parents yet no one stepped up like @Justenjoyinglife saw with her DD class. But I hate thinking people might view me as someone desperate to get people together. Im not! I just didnt want to be seen as a clique. Not sure which I hate most if I'm honest.

@JackMummy12 tbh I didn't expect to become good friends with any of the school mums as all we had in common were the children (or so I thought). Like with anything, I ended up meeting a few good friends and we've been a good support through marriage breakups, cancer etc. I also hold down a full time busy job so lunches are out for me.

@AvengedQuince tbh I'm the only single parent with very sparse childcare so it's hardest on me. Everyone else has their partner.

I don’t really understand your OP but from this, if you’re asking is it ok to go for drinks with some people and not others, then of course it is.

I’m still not sure I understand the dilemma! Just go out and make the offer to the group, or don’t make the offer to the group? 90% of people will have the class chat muted and just check in periodically to see if anyone’s got headlice; some will RSVP about skiing, some will ignore, whatever. That’s normal surely?

It’s not something I’d attend – I’m too old, busy and tired to need another social circle to contend with – but I can’t imagine caring if some of the class parents got together, whether I was invited or not. I’m not 12.

Ask the other people you've already arranged to go out with their opinion.

If you decide to throw the invite open to the class just tell them the date, say you need an rsvp if they want to join by a certain date to confirm the numbers for the booking and leave it at that. Make it clear it's not "official", it's just a few of you have decided to go out. So "we are going out do you want to join us?", not "I'm arranging a class social when is convenient?". Don't chase them.

Class reps are pretty standard round here - the only primary schools in our area that don’t have them are the private ones. Having a main point of contact to organise things for the class makes teachers jobs easier.

@Hellenabe - 8 is a good number! You will never get more than half the class engaging, for every MN thread saying they feel left out, there’s half a dozen saying they always decline all invites.

As others have said, find a date your closest can do (we set up a second WhatsApp for those like your 8 who actually turn up to plan first), put it on the wider group chat, prime at least one member of the 8 to say “I’ll be there, thanks for organising!” and if you get one more than the 8, consider it a success.

also worth thinking about the demographic of your class- when dc1 was in year 1, meeting for coffee in the day, either at someone’s house or a coffee shop for more out than an evening thing, whereas with dc2’s class, more parents worked so evenings were more successful.

id aim for 2 meet ups a year where you invite everyone. In between, build those friendships with your group and just be open to adding any more who show an interest in joining in.

@Conkersinautumn

Your post made me smile! That’s exactly how I feel. People don’t seem to like me, think I’m weird or actively exclude me from conversations - so I’m not going to bother. Think DS gets lots of socialisation at school anyway. I hate parties and I’m not sure what DS gets out of 3 hours in a hall with 30 sugar hyped kids while I stand looking like the leper no one wants to talk to.

My kids have left school now but they did have class reps in primary and one did at her secondary. Mainly it seemed to be about organising collections at Christmas or end of the year. I ducked out of those when my kids were younger as they always wanted to buy their own gifts, but contributed when they became less interested in doing so.

The meet ups with other parents though were organised through knowing parents in the playground, not as a whole class event. I usually went, though there was a huge clique in my elder child's class that I never came to feel part of. With the youngest we developed a social group of about 5 families involving both parents where we went for drinks every so often. Still friendly with some of them.

Secondary school the reps organised the presents for the tutor and sent reminders about school events. Only once or twice suggested pub nights. I was only able to go to one - I knew (as in knew who they were, had been at the same primary or had met them due to them collecting their child from our house) most of the parents there but didn't enjoy it as one of them dominated the entire conversation. Plus by then my dd was not actually friends with anyone in her tutor group and had made other friends across the school.

I don't think it is your role OP to facilitate parent events. It's unlikely everyone will be the kind of people who want to come anyway. They may not have the money to go out or have no babysitter, may be too busy or uninterested in making new friends etc. I suggest you organise something with your actual friends and decide if you want to invite the rest. However, if I see that a group has arranged a date and then asks if anyone else wants to join them, I tend to read that as I'm not really welcome.

If you don’t want this job, don’t do it - sounds like it’s more trouble than it’s worth. We didn’t have class reps or a WhatsApp group so still not understanding the benefits.

I think it annoys me as others would like it but don't do anything

This is often the case, but it's still a choice they've made - and those who don't want to help can be the first to criticise what those who do have organised (deflection perhaps?)

If it gets too bad I'd just resign the class rep thing, but otherwise enjoy yourself with the friends you've made and if others don't want to come that's on them

I think it's one of them that you can't win or please everyone. I'd also say, you're allowed to make friends with people and it's not at all cliquey to just go out with them and not invite others- I wouldn't focus too much on what you read on here.

The majority of mum "cliques" are just people who have got to know each other over the course of their kids being at school together/parties/play dates and become friends off the back of it and there's absolutely nothing wrong about then choosing to spend time with each other rather than randoms who suddenly feel like they've been left out when they notice.

If you really want to feel like you're being open and inclusive, at most, I would do what pp have suggested and organise your night out for when and where suits your friends and then send a message on WhatsApp to say "a few of us are meeting XX on XX for XX if anyone fancies it you're more than welcome to join us, no worries if not. Leave it at that and then no one can complain

I agree with pp - organize what you want to do anyway then extend the invite to all. Ther might be one or two extra they come and appreciate it and if no one does then give up doing it again. There are so many threads accusing mums of being cliquey so this would be a good attempt at being inclusive.

If you're in a multicultural area be mindful of pubs - Muslims often won't feel able to accept this invite for example but they might if it's a coffee morning or a dinner out.

I also like the idea of passing the social spoon - you organize this one then you pass the spoon to someone else - everyone will do the planning admin once over course of school career

Also on topic of inclusive - single parents might struggle to get babysitters but might love a coffee posy drop off or pre pick up if they don't work full time or can work flexibly!

They obviously wouldn't like it that much then...

I'd run a mile if I saw you coming. Forced group fun based on the fact that one small area of our lives happens to overlap is my idea of hell. I socialise with people I like and identify with. My kid going to the same local as yours is not part of my identity and I'd have no interest in giving up my precious free time for small talk, polite smiles and navigating any class politics or cliques

I never get these posts. How is it forced group fun if the invite is entirely optional? Or did you not even bother to read the post (in which OP makes very clear she ISN'T desperate for more friends) in your eagerness to prove how cool and popular you are?

Even those who would be interested probably aren't going into it thinking 'I want to make new BFFs and go on holidays together with all our kids' probably more along the lines of 'I'll be seeing these people regularly for the next 7 years, it might be nice to at least get to know them, would be useful for various things (pick up favours, party invites, last minute no uniform questions) and chances are out of a class there would be a few people I'll get on with.'

I am intrigued what you mean about 'one small area of life overlapping?' not being a basis for a friendship whereas surely that is the impetus behind nearly all relationships? It would be quite hard to be friends with someone whom you've nothing at all in common with and have never met, surely? I don't see why sharing the same hobby once a week/being randomly assigned to the same uni halls/happening to sit near each other in an office, would presumably be considered valid ways of meeting friends, but getting to know someone who presumably lives in the same local area as you and has a child the same age (so at least 2 things in common), has nothing to do with your 'identity'?

Anyway OP I agree with PPs, if there's a group chat and the people who are already meeting up are happy to widen the invite, maybe put on it 'a few of us are going to x on y if anyone else wants to come let me know.' After that just keep any further events to the ones you consider friends.

Then next time anybody says 'Oh it's a pity we don't have a class night out,' you can say 'Well, I tried to organise a few things in reception, and I offered again the last time we all did something but nobody else was interested so I don't want to keep nagging. If you want to have a go feel free!'

I feel @Mumdiva99 hit the nail on the head. My eldest is now in Y2 and we tend to do similar approach - there were a few of us that regularly went to all the dinner/drinks nights organised in reception and that has slowly led to us becoming closer and forming a group. Every time we find a date and organise something, we put it on the class group and ask if anyone wants to join. Sometimes they do, more often they don’t but no one is excluded

In our class its the class rep who does it so no personal offence taken.

If you tried in reception and no one turned up then I wouldn't bother. Go ahead and organize something with a smaller group who you know are interested.

If others find out and show interest then you can organize something with the wider group another time but you don't need to feel any guilt if they can't be bothered.

@easylikeasundaymorn thank you for your great post! Yup, I'm not someone who eagerly wants to get people together, I just felt a bit bad not to extend to everyone. Out of the group coming, one said don't bother as we all get along well and one said ask people (she's more awkward/people pleasing and likes more people). Others don't care really.

I’ve just received the whole class invite to the Xmas parents night out (a Sat night!) and I’m anxiously trying to work out how to politely say no. I do every drop-off and pick-up and I’ve made good friends with some of the mums but I just don’t want to extend this to nights out. I’m not sure how many times I had to squirm and politely decline when repeatedly asked why I wasn’t showing up at the last end of year drinks agh. I think you are brilliant for organising and just put no pressure on who is/ isn’t there

I think it's a lovely idea to casually extend the invite to others.

I think maybe you're reading too much into it if no-one takes you up on it. It's probably because they are busy, can't get childcare, or just don't fancy it. But they're probably thinking "Ah it was nice of Hellenabe to ask" not "OMG why did Hellenabe ask".