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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Organising a parents night out (school) - AIBU

87 replies

Hellenabe · 18/10/2023 06:17

Our class is friendly but do nothing outside school. Completely fine. Im close friends with a few and see them separately.

Ages ago i was tasked with organising a night out before because there were new parents but all were busy. No one ever tried to organise a night out before or since (again fine). All said busy (but in a nice way), some obviously not wanting to interract. I was tasked to sort it out as I'm quite friendly but I think it made me seem a bit desperate trying to get parents together. I don't need more friends if im honest.

I read the mumsnet threads where parents now say they feel left out of different school run groups but a few of us want to do something together so do i again put it out to everyone? I don't want to offend people but at the same time its annoying that no one organises anything so I now prefer being with the ones who are more available. WWYD?

OP posts:
NeedToChangeName · 18/10/2023 06:51

A friend of mine used to invite parents to her house for drinks (BYOB) and crisps ie nothing fancy. She felt that some of the quieter / less confident people were more likely to feel comfortable in a private house and it was easier to mix

Parker231 · 18/10/2023 06:59

Hellenabe · 18/10/2023 06:47

@Parker231 class rep is the contact person in the class so we go to meetings etc with school then communicate to the parents. Or do collections etc. Every year they have 2. This isn't about being a rep, it's more I hate asking people but don't want to offend people by not asking.

Never heard of a class rep. School will let parents know any information they need and sorry but why would you want a night out with other parents. Life is busy - if you want a night out, have one with your friends?

Beautiful3 · 18/10/2023 07:01

No don't ask. Just leave it. If anyone asks just say, you don't want to be responsible for organising a night out. Unless you send out a blanket, "hi we're going out on x at x. You're welcome to join us." That way you've included them, and your plans are non negotiable. But that depends if you want random joining your close friendship circle?

2weekstowait · 18/10/2023 07:08

My son is at secondary and we didn’t have anything like a rep or WhatsApp group when he was in primary. It sounds like something I would prefer to avoid! I think you should just arrange to go out with whoever you want and leave the others to it.

bluepurpleangel · 18/10/2023 07:16

OP, do you actually want to do this? You don’t have to and it doesn’t sound that fun for anyone.

Personally I wouldn’t mind joining a group of other reception parents for a few quick drinks to meet new people, get to know each other a bit better, maybe organise a couple of play dates etc.

But I would HATE to go to what I thought were class drinks and find it’s actually just a group of close friends who see each other anyway and were secretly hoping nobody else would turn up 😳

BogRollBOGOF · 18/10/2023 07:47

Put it out there and who comes, comes.

I tended to decline because while it's a nice idea, the logistics of them never fitted around our evening commitments, they weren't something that I'd have dragged DS1 out to and the reality is sitting around feeling like a total gooseberry against a storm of background noise while a bunch of people who bonded at nursery a couple of years earlier had a great time with their bussom buddies.

But it was nice to be asked.

You won't get everyone. There's too much life 8n the way.

ZolaBudd · 18/10/2023 12:28

I’ve had three kids in school

we never had class reps

mindutopia · 18/10/2023 12:34

It's perfectly fine to organise something amongst friends. You can ask everyone how they'd feel if you opened it up to everyone in the class. If everyone is happy, then you can just send around a message, 'A few of us are meeting at the Grapes of Wrath Wednesday at 7pm if anyone wants to join us.'

Honestly, nights out with parents are hard to organise. It means that both parents need to be home or for lone parents, they need to arrange childcare. And all depends on said parent not needing to work in the evening or not having cubs/swimming/whatever and parents actually wanting to go out on a weekday or on a weekend (when they may already have plans).

Personally, I've dodged all attempts to do parents nights out. They are always on like a Tuesday or Wednesday. I have too much else going on and if given the chance, I'd rather go to bed at a decent time. I also don't drink and don't really love the idea of hanging out in a pub dodging endless attempts to buy me a gin. I do meet up with other parent friends or invite them over, but it's the big organised things that give me the cringe. So I wouldn't take it too personally.

amiboverd · 18/10/2023 12:41

I agree with this. I hate trying to organise groups as there is never a date everyone can do and then often end up picking a place and time to suit people who don't even come!

Better up specify a date and time (agree with you friends who will come) and then invite the others.

lifeturnsonadime · 18/10/2023 12:42

I think this is lovely and inclusive of you.

People don't have to say yes, it's not obligatory but having been a parent in a school where there was a 'cool clique', I think it's nice to put the offer out to others who may or may not decide to go.

Just, as someone said up thread, say a few of you are going any way and if any one wants to join the more the merrier.

Fixyourself · 18/10/2023 13:00

Organise a date that the 'more available' group can do and then put that date out to everyone else.

ToadOnTheHill · 18/10/2023 13:11

Set a date for you and your friends, probably near the end of summer term, and extend the invitation.

BillStickersWillBeProsocuted · 18/10/2023 13:22

Hellenabe · 18/10/2023 06:49

@bluepurpleangel I have 8 so far coming who id consider closer friends and I'd like to see.

I think I'd just put something like:

"Hey, a few of us are going this place on this date - if anyone would like to join us you'd be very welcome"

And leave it at that - You can't be accused of leaving anyone out, but it's not like you're pressuring anyone who doesn't want to come or looking desperate

Watermelonbathbomb · 18/10/2023 16:03

I would never think of this as desperate - I think it is lovely. It's great to meet new people and even if it is just 6 or 8 of you that will be fun too, at least you are opening it out to everyone. No one has to go and some people won't be able to but that is just life. I wouldn't over think it and hopefully you will all have a great night out! (I do also reckon there is some benefit for the kids beyond playdates in terms of building a school community.)

Original poster
Hellenabe · 18/10/2023 19:55

Yes - i definitely agree about building a bit of a community and ive made some really good friends through the school. I guess i feel like if i didnt put it out there, id look rude, but then when i have put it out there, those people just dont come!

OP posts:
BillStickersWillBeProsocuted · 19/10/2023 08:04

Hellenabe · 18/10/2023 19:55

Yes - i definitely agree about building a bit of a community and ive made some really good friends through the school. I guess i feel like if i didnt put it out there, id look rude, but then when i have put it out there, those people just dont come!

That's fine though! Not everyone will be able to go and not everyone will want to

You put it out there so you don't feel rude and aren't leaving anyone out, the balls in their court.

xyz111 · 19/10/2023 08:09

As a mum, I'm quite happy saying hello in the playground, but I have no desire to make new friends and hang out with them. I think people have this view that all the parents should be friends. Yes some naturally are (and I have some too), but life gets so busy anyway let alone trying to make new friends. I wouldn't push it.

NewName122 · 19/10/2023 08:56

I'd hate this and would mute the chat. Why do you feel like this is your job. This is no one's job.

Ggttl · 20/10/2023 05:46

I think you are too worried about appearing cliquey. Why shouldn’t you be friends with a group of people you like? Half the people on mumsnet seem to be paranoid about school cliques but you can’t help that. If you do want to organise something, it is best to keep it really low key. Organise a meet up in a pub, make sure a few reliable friends are coming and invite everyone else to join. No need to RSVP.

JackMummy12 · 20/10/2023 06:42

Personally I’ve never understood needing to be friends with people because our kids go to school together. Having a casual chat in the playground and not excluding people is different to going out with them on a night out IMO.

My 1st child’s school year was insistent on going for meals out, I never attended. So many arguments between petty Mums. So glad I never went. Just have to hope that they are better in my youngest year who is about to start school.

Justenjoyinglife · 20/10/2023 06:44

This is just like my DD class. They are year 4 now and we’ve had one night out in all those years. I was asked to put it out there and only about 8 people came. They are also poor at offering help at school events and teachers have already commented that it will be a problem come year 6 as parent input for leavers events is really important.

my DS has just left primary and as a year group we were really sociable, still going for lunches even though the kids have gone to various schools.

CoconutSty · 20/10/2023 06:46

bluepurpleangel · 18/10/2023 07:16

OP, do you actually want to do this? You don’t have to and it doesn’t sound that fun for anyone.

Personally I wouldn’t mind joining a group of other reception parents for a few quick drinks to meet new people, get to know each other a bit better, maybe organise a couple of play dates etc.

But I would HATE to go to what I thought were class drinks and find it’s actually just a group of close friends who see each other anyway and were secretly hoping nobody else would turn up 😳

Yes, this. If you're going to do the "some of us are doing this, feel free to join us" angle then you all need to be REALLY on it as regards making those outside your friendship group feel welcome, or it will completely backfire and you'll be known as the 'clique' everyone rolls their eyes over.

AvengedQuince · 20/10/2023 06:51

I could not have gone to anything like that, I had no one to look after my child at night. I would have gone to coffee at a park where the children could play.

Parker231 · 20/10/2023 06:51

Justenjoyinglife · 20/10/2023 06:44

This is just like my DD class. They are year 4 now and we’ve had one night out in all those years. I was asked to put it out there and only about 8 people came. They are also poor at offering help at school events and teachers have already commented that it will be a problem come year 6 as parent input for leavers events is really important.

my DS has just left primary and as a year group we were really sociable, still going for lunches even though the kids have gone to various schools.

It’s not compulsory to mix with the other parents. Everyone I know works full time - who has time for lunches during the workday and nights out. Any free time is for family and friends.

Parker231 · 20/10/2023 06:53

JackMummy12 · 20/10/2023 06:42

Personally I’ve never understood needing to be friends with people because our kids go to school together. Having a casual chat in the playground and not excluding people is different to going out with them on a night out IMO.

My 1st child’s school year was insistent on going for meals out, I never attended. So many arguments between petty Mums. So glad I never went. Just have to hope that they are better in my youngest year who is about to start school.

Am glad we used breakfast and after school clubs - it meant we never had to do the playground hanging around.

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