My rude and ungrateful 19 year old child:

[marhsmind]

I am a single parent and work full time in a high stress job. My daily commute is 100 miles and I have other children with sn.
My 19 yr old child is in uni. Spoilt, rude , ungrateful and generally unpleasant to all round her . Except to her friends of course.
I am in Ireland so I pay her fees, apartment and travel.
She has a weekend job so has e150 per week to play around with .

She has promised to lend a ball gown to a friend but said ball gown is in dry cleaners, unpaid for and they are 90 miles away.

She expects ME to pay for the cleaning , collect it and give it to my friend (to hand over the dress, as he lives nearby)!I've said I'll ask my friend to bring something to my daughter in the event of an emergency.

Again, she is taking the piss I think.
Why is her friend not arranging transport of the dress???

For the usuals who like to comment ...' you really don't like your daughter/ son/ child ? ' etc , no I don't .
Not right now .

I love her of course and while she said she hated coming home , in temper, I suggested she stay in her university city and get a job there as she wants to give up her excellent weekend job for more sociable hours.
She prefers to come home, sleep, socialise, work and make zero effort with anyone .
AIBU here or once again, am I the worst ever?

Ps...
She didn't so much as give me a Mother's Day card last year . Says it all really.

I'd just say no can do to the dress- don't get cross or annoyed at her asking just say I'm sorry, can't do that you'll need to make other arrangements. I think the expectation is they're arseholes for the first few months of college? Mine are only babies so I don't know but that's the impression I get. The new found freedom and fitting in etc.

I would say a definite no to the dress.

Would I be right in guessing that for many, many years you’ve accommodated her demands and it’s only now that she’s 19 you are saying you’ve had enough? Because if you’re paying for absolutely everything and being expected to run around after her, it does seem to suggest that you’ve made a rod for your own back. She’s an adult. It’s not even appreciated! Just say no! Why are you taking on the guilt of her letting her friend down by making stupid promises that she can’t honour? Tell her that due to a general lack of appreciation you will no longer running her errands for her. And you need to phase out subsidising everything PLUS paying for stuff like dry cleaning.

It's her age. They are selfish entitled shits at this age. Parent of a 20 year old here.

I'm sure I wasn't like that at their age, but friends all seem to have the same with theirs right now. I am just waiting for it to pass.

No to the dress here too. Mines just started university, it’s a hard time for parents.

So is the dress close to you? How much of an inconvenience would it be? Do you like the friend? Because really it's a favour for them. Really the friend should be paying and picking it up. My middle DD was terrible at this age. By 25 she'd turned a corner and we are close again. She's actually apologised. I think that she had a lot of internalised misogyny, low confidence, hormones and anxiety.

Words to describe my twenty-year-old - entitled, selfish and self-absorbed. I see glimmers of the person she was and the person she is becoming, so I have hope, but it's a tough time.

I would say no to the dress and ignore the pleads. Boundaries have to be drawn somewhere, so start doing that now.

Ok to collect , I need someone to do that. Transfer e50 to them. Then bring it to work with me , give it to my friend who will then bring it to the city and arrange to meet my daughter who will then give it to her friend.
This inconveniences four people but not the borrower of the dress whatsoever.

Did she tell you or ask you to organise the dress? I read somewhere that one way to deal with this is to respond as if it were an appropriately phrased polite request that you have seriously considered. So in this case something along the lines of responding as if they asked nicely, "I wish I could help you, but it is not convenient, here is what I suggest you do.... good luck with it."

Say no and stick to it.

My DD behaved appallingly at 19. I picked my battles (we still ended up having lots!). By 21 she was the young adult that she was always meant to be - kind, caring, fab company. Hang on in. It gets better!

She asked. I said I would collect dress but didn't want to ask my friend to do something unnecessary and non urgent . No mention of her paying for dry cleaning this e600 dress that i bought for her.
Her parents live here too so surely they could have arranged transport of same ?
She didn't even ask them to help out

She's spoilt.

Say no. Mean it.

I'd start putting in boundaries because the more you do for her, the more she'll expect and it's not even as if she's grateful anyway!
Don't argue, just say xyz doesn't work for you. She needs to grow up.

Why are you being a martyr?
She is behaving this way because she can, and because you are letting her do it.

"No mention of paying...".

OP, you're being too passive and allowing yourself to get wound up by the situation.

You've said you'll collect the dress, so ask her for the dry cleaning money and then go get it. Don't drop hints or hope she will magically understand you're irked. Make it clear that if she gives you the money you'll collect it, and if she doesn't you won't.

Let her know that she'll need to sort her own arrangements for getting the dress to her friend.

Communicate... then breathe!

Message your daughter and say sorry you can’t help with the collection of the dress and leave it at that.

Stop running around after her until she is more civil - no collecting/dropping her to transport/work, etc. No doing laundry, no having a meal ready for her when she comes home, etc. Let her give up her job if she wants but be clear that you won’t be funding her social life.

Jesus. Tell her to piss off.

I don't think you can complain about the whole dress fiasco as you should have just said no from the beginning. Why would you do all that and pay for it too. She needs to learn some respect so stop enabling her to take them piss.

Why would she ask someone else's help when she knows you'll do it all for her?

Start saying no.

Just say no op

Just say no and don't do it.

I don't understand the problem.

I would ask your DD what her plan was when she offered the dress to her friend. Did your DD assume you would sort it out for her? If so, then is this because you have set that expectation for her? I think you need to ask yourself why you have done that.

You need to reframe this as to what you can do to help DD mature and take responsibility for her choices.

If she has promised the dress, then she needs to figure it out. She can ask you, but if you can't, then you need to tell her this so she can make alternative arrangements.

Loving and supporting your child into adulthood is not giving them anything/everything they want, but giving them what they need to be independent of you.

No, they aren't. If they are, it's because that behaviour is tolerated and there are no consequences. My children wouldn't have dared treat me like that and when they became adults (that's what a 19 year old is) they wouldn't have done it then either.

Just say "no". And, whilst you're at it, wipe "doormat" off your forehead.

Stop complaining about it if you’re not going to do anything to change the status quo. Simple as saying no you're not able to. If her friend wants it that much they can collect it. Or your daughter can do the running around.