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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

My rude and ungrateful 19 year old child:

57 replies

marhsmind · 17/10/2023 13:13

I am a single parent and work full time in a high stress job. My daily commute is 100 miles and I have other children with sn.
My 19 yr old child is in uni. Spoilt, rude , ungrateful and generally unpleasant to all round her . Except to her friends of course.
I am in Ireland so I pay her fees, apartment and travel.
She has a weekend job so has e150 per week to play around with .

She has promised to lend a ball gown to a friend but said ball gown is in dry cleaners, unpaid for and they are 90 miles away.

She expects ME to pay for the cleaning , collect it and give it to my friend (to hand over the dress, as he lives nearby)!I've said I'll ask my friend to bring something to my daughter in the event of an emergency.

Again, she is taking the piss I think.
Why is her friend not arranging transport of the dress???

For the usuals who like to comment ...' you really don't like your daughter/ son/ child ? ' etc , no I don't .
Not right now .

I love her of course and while she said she hated coming home , in temper, I suggested she stay in her university city and get a job there as she wants to give up her excellent weekend job for more sociable hours.
She prefers to come home, sleep, socialise, work and make zero effort with anyone .
AIBU here or once again, am I the worst ever?

Ps...
She didn't so much as give me a Mother's Day card last year . Says it all really.

OP posts:
stayathomer · 17/10/2023 17:31

Everyone is saying how selfish that age were but I think we all were at that age, I think now about even when I lived away from home how much my parents did. The difference was I thanked them like crazy all the time. Tell her! Tell her you’re running about and she’s an adult and while you’ll do a certain amount she needs to start appreciating it!! And you need to spend some fun time with her or else have some sort of a break because you sound lovely but too bitter. She’s still a teenager really x

Millybob · 17/10/2023 17:36

Just say no to the dress. No to collecting it, no to paying for it. Not your problem, she and her friend can sort it out between them.
I think coming home/sleeping and socialising is pretty normal, though.

PinkArt · 17/10/2023 17:38

If you don't mind collecting but do (rightly) mind the rest. 'Hey. I can collect it tomorrow but I'll need you to transfer over the money for the cleaning first. Let me know what Friend has arranged to get it to Uni Town'.
Make it clear what you are willing to help with and what you aren't and then it's up to her how the rest of it works out. Doing her bidding and being cross about her ridiculous demands isn't helpful for either of you.

CalistoNoSolo · 17/10/2023 17:51

LadyDanburysHat · 17/10/2023 13:20

It's her age. They are selfish entitled shits at this age. Parent of a 20 year old here.

I'm sure I wasn't like that at their age, but friends all seem to have the same with theirs right now. I am just waiting for it to pass.

No they are not all selfish entitled shits. What a horrible way to talk about your children that you raised to behave like that.

Litchrally · 17/10/2023 17:55

LadyDanburysHat · 17/10/2023 13:20

It's her age. They are selfish entitled shits at this age. Parent of a 20 year old here.

I'm sure I wasn't like that at their age, but friends all seem to have the same with theirs right now. I am just waiting for it to pass.

Speak for yourself.

Maddy70 · 17/10/2023 17:58

Tbf if her friend wants you borrow it then her friend should arrange cleaning and collecting

Chickenkeev · 17/10/2023 18:03

hitherandhither · 17/10/2023 16:57

I would ask your DD what her plan was when she offered the dress to her friend. Did your DD assume you would sort it out for her? If so, then is this because you have set that expectation for her? I think you need to ask yourself why you have done that.

You need to reframe this as to what you can do to help DD mature and take responsibility for her choices.

If she has promised the dress, then she needs to figure it out. She can ask you, but if you can't, then you need to tell her this so she can make alternative arrangements.

Loving and supporting your child into adulthood is not giving them anything/everything they want, but giving them what they need to be independent of you.

This is it really. She can't be offering your time ffs! Cheek of her.

RedSquirrelsRock · 17/10/2023 18:36

This should be a warning to all those parents who indulge and never say no to their young children, they can grow up to be entitled and spoilt like Op's dd.

OhComeOnFFS · 17/10/2023 18:39

God no, she's not even nice to you! Why on earth would you do any of that? Just say no and mean it.

Lookingatthesunset · 17/10/2023 18:40

RedSquirrelsRock · 17/10/2023 18:36

This should be a warning to all those parents who indulge and never say no to their young children, they can grow up to be entitled and spoilt like Op's dd.

I am sure your sage piece of wisdom is a great comfort to the OP...

I have a 19 year old. I hear you OP.

INTERNETEXPL0RER · 17/10/2023 18:40

LadyDanburysHat · 17/10/2023 13:20

It's her age. They are selfish entitled shits at this age. Parent of a 20 year old here.

I'm sure I wasn't like that at their age, but friends all seem to have the same with theirs right now. I am just waiting for it to pass.

This.

LMarb27 · 27/02/2025 23:26

This reply has been withdrawn

Withdrawn by MNHQ.
We think it best if you start your own thread @LMarb27. If you need help with that let us know and we will explain.
MNHQ

NC28 · 27/02/2025 23:27

K1nga23 · 17/10/2023 13:37

Why are you being a martyr?
She is behaving this way because she can, and because you are letting her do it.

This.

You created the monster, as the saying goes.

EDIT: before anyone jumps on me, nobody’s referring to anyone as a literal monster. 😚

Diningtableornot · 27/02/2025 23:34

It’s a completely unreasonable request. If dd wants to lend the dress it’s up to her and her friend to arrange it between them. Nothing to do with you. You just need to tell her that. If the two girls can’t work it out then the friend can wear something else.

SlaveToAGoldenRetriever · 27/02/2025 23:35

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn by MNHQ.
We think it best if you start your own thread @LMarb27. If you need help with that let us know and we will explain.
MNHQ

Apart from the fact that this thread is from 2023, comparing your child to their father who you openly dislike is toxic parenting at its finest. Sincerely, the daughter of a divorcee who despised her ex.

Beesandhoney123 · 27/02/2025 23:45

Diningtableornot · 27/02/2025 23:34

It’s a completely unreasonable request. If dd wants to lend the dress it’s up to her and her friend to arrange it between them. Nothing to do with you. You just need to tell her that. If the two girls can’t work it out then the friend can wear something else.

Your dd isn't a child. Just say no, and if she tries to blame you, the answer is ' you should have thought of all this before you agreed to lend it. Let them sort it out.

If she stays over the holiday, tell her it's not a fecking hotel. Let her make her own way there and back. She can book tickets in advance, she has money. Nit your money!

Would either of you accept this shit from a friend? No. Even less from an adult daughter.

BobbyBiscuits · 27/02/2025 23:54

Well of course you won't pay for the cleaning and transportation of a ball gown..
Who even owns a ball gown?!

Tell her to get more work. Does she not have a student loan? Idk the system over in Ireland.

I think being moody and a bit defiant of your parents isn't unusual amount teens. I'd say she should improve when she matures a bit more.

But tell her straight when she asks for something that's a piss take it ain't happening.
She'll survive without you acting as a ballgown delivery courier I'm sure.

Hopefully once she's graduated she'll be able to start paying you back if you've had to fund her whole uni education.

Untill then just give moral support, a warm home, roof over her head and obviously you're funding her education. She has to see that you're on her side. But she also needs to grow up.

5foot5 · 27/02/2025 23:55

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn by MNHQ.
We think it best if you start your own thread @LMarb27. If you need help with that let us know and we will explain.
MNHQ

Forgive me, but I must ask. What was it that motivated you to bring back to life a thread that is well over a year old?
Just why?

ThinWomansBrain · 28/02/2025 00:00

you both need to accept that she is a 19 year old adult.

EggFriedRiceAndChips · 28/02/2025 00:08

19 year olds are lovely. Mine and all my friends kids are really fabulous teenagers. I find them delightful and sweet and fun. If you think your kid is such a ‘shit’ that’s on you. You have fucked up. If your kid knows you don’t like them don’t expect to have a good relationship. You were the parent in all this. They’re nice to their friends because their friends actually like them.

EggFriedRiceAndChips · 28/02/2025 00:11

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn by MNHQ.
We think it best if you start your own thread @LMarb27. If you need help with that let us know and we will explain.
MNHQ

Idk, grow up? Be a proper parent?

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 28/02/2025 00:12

LadyDanburysHat · 17/10/2023 13:20

It's her age. They are selfish entitled shits at this age. Parent of a 20 year old here.

I'm sure I wasn't like that at their age, but friends all seem to have the same with theirs right now. I am just waiting for it to pass.

I think that's really unfair on the many, many young people who really aren't selfish entitled shits at that age. It isn't fair to generalise.

stayathomegardener · 28/02/2025 00:55

Zombie thread.

JustJoinedRightNow · 28/02/2025 01:12

This reply has been deleted

Withdrawn by MNHQ.
We think it best if you start your own thread @LMarb27. If you need help with that let us know and we will explain.
MNHQ

You need to start your own thread for a start

Devianinc · 28/02/2025 01:25

marhsmind · 17/10/2023 13:13

I am a single parent and work full time in a high stress job. My daily commute is 100 miles and I have other children with sn.
My 19 yr old child is in uni. Spoilt, rude , ungrateful and generally unpleasant to all round her . Except to her friends of course.
I am in Ireland so I pay her fees, apartment and travel.
She has a weekend job so has e150 per week to play around with .

She has promised to lend a ball gown to a friend but said ball gown is in dry cleaners, unpaid for and they are 90 miles away.

She expects ME to pay for the cleaning , collect it and give it to my friend (to hand over the dress, as he lives nearby)!I've said I'll ask my friend to bring something to my daughter in the event of an emergency.

Again, she is taking the piss I think.
Why is her friend not arranging transport of the dress???

For the usuals who like to comment ...' you really don't like your daughter/ son/ child ? ' etc , no I don't .
Not right now .

I love her of course and while she said she hated coming home , in temper, I suggested she stay in her university city and get a job there as she wants to give up her excellent weekend job for more sociable hours.
She prefers to come home, sleep, socialise, work and make zero effort with anyone .
AIBU here or once again, am I the worst ever?

Ps...
She didn't so much as give me a Mother's Day card last year . Says it all really.

Well, I get it, girls at that age are really from another planet. I had one. Just tell her no. You don’t work for her and when they can pay you whatever you make as salary then they can eat it. You can do this. Don’t let your daughter walk all over you unless she truly needs it. I know how it is but my daughter now has a child so our relationship has evolved. You need to say no and put your foot down. Sounds like other person is taking advantage of you too. Girls do grow up. I swear. Well, most of them.