To expect my mum to "do better"

[jswawsn]

I feel awful even saying it and accept that I probably am BU.

I am doing a course that requires placement blocks of 4-6 weeks. My mum offered to help out with childcare of DS who is in year 1. She is staying with me. I also have a 1 year old cocker spaniel that we somewhat share.

She came yesterday morning. Since then, the dog has pissed five times, on my carpet and rug. He's not had an accident in months, it's because he's not being let out quickly enough.

The house was a mess when I got in yesterday, dishes on the side, crumbs all the sofa and floor. Clothes and rubbish on the floor.

DS has to get to school for 8:20, he's been late both times. Today she dropped him off at 8:45.

AIBU to be getting silently annoyed by this?

Wow!! Do you pay your mum for this level of childcare? That's impressive she is prepared to this amount of early morning running around for you.

Is she doing the childcare for free?

My parents have done bits of childcare for me over the years, and I did have to pick my battles. Getting to school on time? A battle worth picking. Letting the dog out to pee and/or cleaning up any accidents? A battle worth picking. A few extra dishes to wash? Not worth picking a battle.

It’s like this when my sister occasionally ‘helps’ she’s early twenties. Honestly you just suck it up or get other help. Get a doggy door. Dogs are a nuisance and not everyone is used to looking after animals.

If someone in their early 50s (my age) can't let their shared dog out for a wee, clear up their own mess and get a child to school on time, then something is wrong. I don't know why you are getting such a hard time here, if she hadn't offered to help you would have made other arrangements, so its a bit rubbish that she is letting you down. I would be pissed off. Have a frank discussion about the school and dog pee, but the mess you'll probably have to put up with, as she sounds messy and disorganised.

Give her a few days to get into a routine. But you need to give her some slack. I’m her age and would struggle nowadays I’m afraid. As long as dc and dog are safe, I think you are going to have to let things and standards go. She’s doing you a huge favour.

I'm presuming that because your mum has agreed to be your live in childminder that she is not a bad person and that you both get on? I would just talk to her. Explain that little Johnny feels upset when he is late for school and set out the routine that you follow to get Johnny to school on time. Your dog is 1 so I presume can hold his toileting in for quite a while? Just explain that at breakfast time, lunch time and before she has to go pick Johnny up from school the dog needs to go out. I would relax on the house keeping and maybe work on that together when you get home.
Really she is doing you a huge favour, it would be a shame to let this get in between your relationship. So a mixture of setting our a schedule, talking things through in a calm conversational manner rather than being confrontational, upset or formal and relaxing your standards a little. I'm sure it is tough for your mum too to adapt to this new routine.

Of course you're not being unreasonable.

If people offer to help, then they need to help!

Of course it's ok if things aren't quite up to normal standards but getting to school on time, letting the dog out, tidying up after yourself and washing up are not onerous

What's her house like and is she generally disorganised?

Exactly. I can't believe the DM thinks this is normal?

And I'm considerably older and I could cope!

I'm 55 and work but I would never behave like her. Very strange.

YABU - she's not an employee. If the arrangement doesn't work, sort something different out next time.

Hooplahooping · Today 10:44
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YANBU at all. My 70 year old mum manages my reception age + 2yo + dog just fine.
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I do leave her a pretty regimented schedule (which she’s very happy with - I trust her to make her judgements about what to be flexible on)
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7:00 wake up, clean nappy for toddler - breakfast (I’ve prepped it night before so it’s literally just getting to table and putting perishables like milk out)
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feed dog and let him out into garden for ten mins
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7:30 get dressed + teeth
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7:45 - stories or 5 mins of cartoons
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8:00 load and leave
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8:15 drop off
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8:40 - back home - toddler into buggy and walk dog to the park for a run.
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9:30 : home + stories. Tidy up breakfast + sweep
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etc etc etc.
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maybe that would seem patronising to your mum - but I think people thrive when they have really clear expectations”

Just, wow. Your 70 year old mother who’s done her bit raising you is happy being unpaid staff.

Bloody hell. I wouldn’t have dreamt of asking this of my mother. Patronising? Damned right.

Is she always like this? Your comment about the dog peeing at hers suggests that she has form for not being the greatest housekeeper!
If she is always like this then you are being unreasonable to expect her to have changed.

In what way is anything she is doing actually helpful though? She seems to have rocked up under the guise of help but is a literal hindrance.

@jswawsn we’re you late to school as a dc? Has your dm always been messy and disorganised?

Someone will tell you she’s got adhd in a minute.
My dm is messy and disorganised, however she was a nurse for years and so could be well organised if she wanted. She just doesn’t care.

Op there’s this weird culture on here where everyone likes to jump on the poster and make them feel like shit. If it was the other way round and people were reading ‘my daughters doing a course for a few weeks and I’ve volunteered to stay at her house to look after her child, do the school runs and take care of our shared dog. As it is I can’t seem to get my arse in gear in the mornings and I’m bringing her son in extremely late, I cba to let the dog out for a wee so I’ve just decided to let it piss all over her carpets. And I can’t really be bothered to clean up after myself either so I’ve decided to leave my mess for her to clean when she gets in. I feel like she’s getting irritated with me, but I think it’s fine for me to disrupt her sons education, neglect the dog and leave her house looking like a shit tip coz I’m doing her a favour just by being here. Im in the right aren’t I’? You’d get fucking torn apart on here, and quite rightly so

Has your mum got form for this? Was she like this growing up?

Could she be of the missed diagnosis ADHD generation? She might need pro-active reminders to let the dog out, let the dog in, take son to school, pick son up from school.

It's hard as an adult ADHDer myself adapting to other people's routines and takes me twice as long to learn rigid structures.

YANBU for being annoyed but regardless YABU for expecting your mum to be a housekeeper rather than a guest who is doing you a favour if you've no alternative option. And if you do have an alternative, use it.

She’d be absolutely mortified if I offered to pay her. she probably does a morning a fortnight on average if I have things going on - and the occasional couple of days.

Maybe it seems like a lot to some people - but it’s really not that early for morning people. I’ve always been a schedule person - I like my life to run without too much minute to minute decision making. And she raised me… the children seem to thrive on having roughly the same routine + expectations irrespective of care giver.

I am hugely lucky to have her help. I check in with her often about her comfort with it all and am very open to her input about how things could be different or easier for her.

I find it much harder if people say ‘oh I trust you to do a good job’ vs ‘here is exactly what a good job looks like to me, I trust your judgement to make changes to that if you have ideas’

If you want someone to do better - it’s probably necessary to outline exactly what that looks like for you. And if you have a system or schedule that works for you to achieve it - to share that with them explicitly..

In which case the Op can pay for a childminder to get her son to school.

Unless you are very very fortunate, I doubt you had many people willing to drop their life in 4-6 week blocks to provide free childcare and dogsitting. Does this also include some night shifts? Making it impossible to find paid help for those periods? If this is the case I'd tread very carefully because you'll be seriously screwed if she walks.
If you have an alternative I'd use them.

But nobody knows what is going on in the mums head do they? They don't know if she just can't be bothered or if there is something else at play. My mil is a really anxious person for example, she gets herself into such a tizzy about everything that she ends up pretty frozen, faffing about little things that don't matter while the things that do matter build up. People aren't robots and recognising that and treating them with a little bit of understanding and compassion isn't hard.
Maybe the mum is just a lazy arse, maybe she isn't we don't know. What we do know is that she offered to move in with her daughter and childmind for weeks which would indicate that there is love and good intentions at the heart of it somewhere.

@Hooplahooping I am impressed! I will take give your scheduling a try.
I agree with the concept of showing exactly what you want so there is no confusion.
I am looking for ways to be more organised.

My mum would tell me to piss off and think I was so cheeky if I left her a list like this but it work it's what your used to

There’s a lot of people here saying ‘is she doing it for free’ - do many people pay their parents for child care? Isn’t that the point of having a village?

we’ee not supposed to bubble off and do this completely on our own - my grandma wouldn’t have dreamt of charging my mum - or my mum me. I hope to be able to play an active role in the lives of any grandchildren I ever have.

if someone has chosen / offered to come and help with life they can’t just do whatever they want because they’re free…

Why on earth is she not managing to get ds to school on time. That isn't on at all. Why has she agreed to help out if she isn't bothered about that one job.
I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. Your poor son could end up with anxiety from being late. And she is not doing the dog any favours.
am Does she really want to help out because in the long run this probably isn't really helping.

I am a grandma age 51. I leave my house at 5.30am DD leaves for work at 5.50am. I get the kids up and ready leave her house 7.20am one nursery drop, then one in reception, sometimes goes to breakfast club if I'm taking gd7 to her school when she is at my son's which is 21 miles away and I get her there for 8.40am. I call it the gruel run. On occasion when the motorway is closed I have been late but so have many members of staff.
My house is a bombsite every day because 1 dgs is home ed and 1 year old only goes to nursery while I go to work. And there are 3 other gcs I provide childcare for at different times generally finish around 7pm. I get paid but I would never leave my dd's house a mess we all tidy up before we leave and the washer goes on etc

Your mum sounds like mine was does - a rubbish job so you stop asking her.
I feel being late for school is ridiculous surely she wants her gs to get their on time.