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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my mum to "do better"

80 replies

jswawsn · 17/10/2023 09:59

I feel awful even saying it and accept that I probably am BU.

I am doing a course that requires placement blocks of 4-6 weeks. My mum offered to help out with childcare of DS who is in year 1. She is staying with me. I also have a 1 year old cocker spaniel that we somewhat share.

She came yesterday morning. Since then, the dog has pissed five times, on my carpet and rug. He's not had an accident in months, it's because he's not being let out quickly enough.

The house was a mess when I got in yesterday, dishes on the side, crumbs all the sofa and floor. Clothes and rubbish on the floor.

DS has to get to school for 8:20, he's been late both times. Today she dropped him off at 8:45.

AIBU to be getting silently annoyed by this?

OP posts:
Original poster
jswawsn · 17/10/2023 10:26

itsmyp4rty · 17/10/2023 10:25

Have you told your mum how often she needs to let the dog out to go toilet? She can't be expected to know exactly when the dog needs to go toilet unless it is making it very clear- and the dog needs to learn to go toilet when it's let out, not just when it feels like it.

She's doing you a favour so I think you have to suck up the little bit of mess - but she needs to make sure ds is at school on time. What is the problem that is preventing that from happening?

We essentially share the dog, so yes she knows.

The dog is always peeing at her house too. Never pees when at mine and I'm taking care of him. Then as soon as my mum is over with the dog he is peeing in my house.

The dog is almost 1.

OP posts:
ShagratandGorbag4ever · 17/10/2023 10:28

You get the staff you pay for I'm afraid.

Mrsjayy · 17/10/2023 10:29

jswawsn · 17/10/2023 10:12

Early 50's.

Show quote history

My god she is my age ! Why doesn't she let the dog out why is she faffing in the morning what is she doing or not ?

bombastix · 17/10/2023 10:29

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 17/10/2023 10:28

You get the staff you pay for I'm afraid.

Exactly. Free help is not subject to special professional standards

Mrsjayy · 17/10/2023 10:30

lifeturnsonadime · 17/10/2023 10:13

Ok so don't expect your mother to be one.

She's helping you with the childcare, it's not reasonable to expect her to do everything else.

Show quote history

Tidying her dishes and letting the dog out for a pee is hardly taxing !

Mrsjayy · 17/10/2023 10:31

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 17/10/2023 10:28

You get the staff you pay for I'm afraid.

What are you on about .Jesus wept !

MrsSkylerWhite · 17/10/2023 10:32

So the dog is still a pup. Ours never peed indoors from about 8 months. More training needed?

MartyFunkhouser · 17/10/2023 10:32

Early 50s! 😂

What on earth is she doing all day that she can’t let the dog out or clean up her mess?

Primproperpenny · 17/10/2023 10:33

YANBU. People will tell you you are on here because that’s what this place is like. But - she sounds lazy and pretty useless to be honest! How can she fail to get the DC to school on time? How hard can it be?! If she’s meant to be helping but actually doing more harm than good, change to a childcare provider who will be helpful. This would damage my relationship with her though - she sounds like she’s trying to sabotage you!

DuploTrain · 17/10/2023 10:33

Flamingogirl08 · 17/10/2023 10:13

Hmm I dunno. My mum has my 1 year old twice a week. I don't think I'd expect her to be responsible for school drop offs, housework and the dog. Seems alot, how old is she?

My mum is in her 60s and when I pick DD up her house looks like a bombsite 🤣

I also read it as a “1 year old” the first time, but it’s a child in year 1 (so 5 or 6yo) I think?

YANBU OP. Unless your DC is an absolute terror I think she could maintain very basic standards. Is her own house always a mess?

What does she do when DC is in school? Is she working or just at your house letting the dog piss on the carpet?

shiningstar2 · 17/10/2023 10:34

Sounds like you are expecting to do your placement and come home to the house looking great ....just like when she was mum to you in the days before you became a mother yourself. She is doing you a huge favour taking care of your main, most important responsibility. I would talk to her about trying to get your son to school on time ...that is important for his well being ...but the mess? So what if it is her mess ...it is the price you pay for having her around to do this huge favour. If you can't cope with her mess find someone else to take on the responsibility of getting your son to school and back and being in your house for him to look after him. This is real life when you need the unpaid help of others...even your mum ...to manage your responsibilities. I think you need to accept the way she is prepared to do the job or find someone else. You will be tired when you get home but nevertheless looks like you need a bit of give and take here. She helps you out with your son during the day, you have to tidy up after her when you get in. 💐

TomatoSandwiches · 17/10/2023 10:35

What was she like when you were a child? Was she a tidy mum or not so much?

pinksavannah · 17/10/2023 10:35

"The dog is always peeing at her house too. Never pees when at mine and I'm taking care of him. Then as soon as my mum is over with the dog he is peeing in my house. "

Seems the dog peeing is a separate issue that you would have anticipated if this happens when she's over ??

Getting your son to school late is unacceptable ( is this the 1YO or is she looking after 2 children?)

Seems it's all too much for her tbh , is this the first time she's doing this?

Is this is for 4-6 weeks I'd consider getting a cleaner / housekeeper too as she clearly can't cope with it all

MartyFunkhouser · 17/10/2023 10:36

Only on MN will you get people telling you she shouldn’t be doing anything to help/pay for help then.

Most young and able grandmothers who were there all day would be making sure the house was clean and tidy and the dog was looked after, at the very least!

Morrigandeity · 17/10/2023 10:36

I don't think you're being unreasonable. Your Mom is still young and, ill health aside, should be cleaning up after herself and ensuring your LO is on time for school.

bombastix · 17/10/2023 10:37

What you have to calculate OP is irrespective of what we will all think here is if you say something about this to your mother then what are the chances of her simply buggering off and leaving you with a problem.

Whether it's unreasonable or not is a second order issue

AfraidToRun · 17/10/2023 10:39

she doesn't really want to do it so is doing a half arsed job.

Soonenough · 17/10/2023 10:40

Tell her to leave the dog outside on her days? Should be able to get child to school on time . Her mess is a minor thing . Ignore. If you complain when someone is doing you a favour , they can quite rightly just refuse to do it. Choose your battles.

Nowherenew · 17/10/2023 10:42

I think it’s very difficult going from living on your own with no responsibilities and then having a young child and dog to look after.

Can you put the dog in dog care for the day?
This will ease the pressure off your mum.

The dog weeing so much when it doesn’t usually, is odd and I wonder if it gets so excited.

I would tell your mum to let the dog out once every hour.

The cleaning wouldn’t be an issue, as I’d happily clean up after her knowing she’s doing me such a huge favour.

Getting your son to school on time is the main issue.

I think if the dog wasn’t there then it will be easier but I would tell her that you wake him up at X time and leave the house by X time.
I’d also put out his clothes etc ready the night before.

Chances are he’s being a bit silly in the morning and not doing what he’s told, so I’d tell him to make sure he’s doing what she’s telling him to do and being a good boy.

Your mum is obviously struggling and it’s on you to try and make it easier for her.

Hooplahooping · 17/10/2023 10:44

YANBU at all. My 70 year old mum manages my reception age + 2yo + dog just fine.

I do leave her a pretty regimented schedule (which she’s very happy with - I trust her to make her judgements about what to be flexible on)

7:00 wake up, clean nappy for toddler - breakfast (I’ve prepped it night before so it’s literally just getting to table and putting perishables like milk out)

feed dog and let him out into garden for ten mins

7:30 get dressed + teeth

7:45 - stories or 5 mins of cartoons

8:00 load and leave

8:15 drop off

8:40 - back home - toddler into buggy and walk dog to the park for a run.

9:30 : home + stories. Tidy up breakfast + sweep

etc etc etc.

maybe that would seem patronising to your mum - but I think people thrive when they have really clear expectations…

Nowherenew · 17/10/2023 10:46

I raised my DC completely on my own whilst working FT and studying and managed to cook and clean etc.

But I looked at my young nephew last weekend and my house was a bomb site and I was completely exhausted!

I think going from having no young kids to then looking after them again is a shock to the system and it’s difficult trying to manage everything.

GhostOfChristmasPudding · 17/10/2023 10:49

Some of these comments are astounding. I would be so ashamed of myself if I was babysitting/helping someone out at their house and I left it a mess for when they got back home from work. Not to mention OP's mum isn't working, so there's really no excuse for not tidying up and not watching while the dog pees everywhere - not that there would be even if she was working!

OP, YANBU. Yes, your mum is doing you a favour. But getting your child to school on time, letting the dog out for a wee, these are all basic things. Is she like this in her own home? You mentioned the dog wees everywhere in her house, too. If so, is this new, or has she always been like this?

blobby10 · 17/10/2023 10:49

I have no advice but plenty of sympathy - my mum used to look after my children 2 mornings a week and I was SO grateful to her but she too was horrendous at getting them anywhere on time if she had them anywhere other than in her house with nowhere to go! She was the same without the children too - eg if she had an appointment at 11am, 30 minute drive away, she would start getting ready at 10.30 and leave around 10.40! She just couldn't comprehend timings. Once school started I dropped the non school ones with her then did school drop off before heading to work. Only asked her to do after school music or swim lessons twice (had an afternoon meeting) and she was so late getting them there they had to miss out.

TheCatterall · 17/10/2023 10:50

@jswawsn massive hugs. Sounds like her standards are much lower than yours. Is this always the case?

can you get a dog Walker or someone else to just pop in for the dog?

and can little one be dropped off at a before school club whilst you do this placement.

id be minimising the need for your mother as much as possible.

absolutely no reason that poor dog should be peeing inside so much.

Poundfoolishpennywise · 17/10/2023 10:50

I am not one to say grandparents should have to do any childcare at all and assistance that is offered should be appreciated - however, in this case, you are not being unreasonable in the slightest.

Forgetting about the dog and the mess (technically not her responsibility since she offered to help you out with looking after your son, not absorb all household duties) the very least she should do is make sure your son gets to school on time. Given that she is only in her early 50s and age and mobility presumably aren’t issues (age certainly isn’t), that is shocking.

What happens during the day when your son is at school, does she go home or stay at your house? If she is actually staying with you then I don’t see why she can’t also run a hoover around/get rid of any spillages and let the dog out when it needs to go. These things would take a few minutes, if that. I’m sure she wouldn’t tolerate this kind of situation in her own house (would she?!), so how can she think it is acceptable at yours?

She sounds lazy and selfish. She is offering you childcare which is very kind of her but it seems more of a poisoned chalice to me if your son isn’t being taken to school on time and the dog is being neglected, let alone the state of the house when you get home.