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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about brother taking oestrogen

109 replies

ChamomileHoneyTea · 16/10/2023 20:52

My brother has just announced he is trans and is taking oestrogen he has purchased online. I’m worried that what he’s taking may not be legit and he is not being reviewed by a doctor. He insists he has done research on appropriate dosage. He says the NHS wait times for transitioning are too long.

OP posts:

MargotBamborough · 17/10/2023 10:42

spookehtooth · 16/10/2023 23:54

@Vintagecreamandcottagepie even the alleged root of all evil, Kathlene Stock, is happy to use someone preferred pronouns. If she can be relaxed about it, why should anyone else be stressed? No two people are the same, if it helps, there's no harm. Getting on in life with people we care about is all about figuring how to cope with differences, because no two people think exactly alike.

The real issue here is unlicensed, potentially fake, drugs and a lack of expert oversight. I'm disappointed in that anyone who, regardless of their views on gender, isn't concerned about that more than anything else. I'd hate to be in the OP shoes!

I think Kathleen Stock is just about the last person on earth who would consider that other people should be following the rules she's set for herself about what pronouns to use.

WestwardHo1 · 17/10/2023 10:43

hyperfemme cis woman

A what now?

IdleAnimations · 17/10/2023 10:46

WestwardHo1 · 17/10/2023 10:43

hyperfemme cis woman

A what now?

Someone who think they’re progressive but they’re dragging women back to 1950s stereotypes for the benefit of the male sex.

ClarkGablesMoustache · 17/10/2023 10:57

You’re right to be worried about your brother, OP, he’s taking very dangerous medication without medical supervision and without any guarantee that he’s buying what he believes he’s buying.

The side effects of hormones can be life-alteringly serious. If he chooses to transition, I wish him the best. To attempt it via unprescribed, unsupervised hormone treatment is to invite disaster.

Can you talk to him from the point of view of wanting him to do so safely and protecting his future wellness as a transwoman?

GrammarTeacher · 17/10/2023 11:14

As someone who is not usually at home on the feminist board these days as I'm not 'GC' although I am critical of gender roles (not the place for that argument), this is not the thread for that debate.
The issue here is black market medication. And that's dangerous whatever the reasoning.
OP all you can do is restate your concerns (focus on unknown aspect) and support as best you can. It is awful.

Fionaville · 17/10/2023 12:04

OP is your brother on the autistic spectrum? I only ask because I've noticed a high percentage of those with GD are. Plus the fact that he's so impulsive to buy drugs like that on the Internet. It's not rational thinking. So, I feel like there is more going on there that needs looking at.
I do feel like families should try to step in to stop vulnerable family members from making such life altering decisions.
I don't think a man transitioning in his 30s is ever going to pass as a woman. He's already had the full effect of testosterone on his body. So, he's setting himself up for a very disappointing future, full of heartache.

PosterBoy · 17/10/2023 12:44

At his age, the best you can hope for is informed decision making.
There are a fair few side effects to the medication - and if bought online it also may be fake.
The rest ... up to him really.

I have gone through similar with a family member. I still use original pronouns and dead name as I don't give a shit really, I'm not prepared to reinforce bonkers behaviour of any kind, including this. It's not meant nastily or pointedly. They are fine with it, we are still close, talk daily etc. I've advised on some of the side effects of some treatment then left it up to them. After all, we all do things that are bad for us - smoking, drinking, eating too much fatty food, not exercising. This is just another variant imo. Informed decision making is enough. Can't blame anyone else afterwards!

gotomomo · 17/10/2023 14:31

I completely get your concern op. This isn't about the language of pronouns or the rights and wrongs of elective plastic surgery, this is about the concern for a relative taking hormones acquired from an unregulated source.

I'm guessing they have seen their gp who has told them that the wait for a specialist consultation is long? Would it be possible for, as a family, for you to fund a private consultation to get hormones from a regulated provider whilst they wait for an nhs consultation?

It must be very worrying, and I understand why you suggested not taking the drugs but I can also understand that this isn't a decision taken likely. We have a fully transitioned relative, post surgery, I cant begin to understand why they put themselves through this but I also accept that i can't put myself in their shoes.

Just wanted to make sure that you know others get your concern and also understand the need to be understanding too

gotomomo · 17/10/2023 14:34

Just to add with a lovely trans person on my street, often at the pub etc - they will never pass but they are happy, completely accepted here and have stopped with hormones now, instead they live their life their way, and thankfully here they are treated with prejudice

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