What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

[JonahAndTheMinnow]

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

Split it equally or you could cause hurt feelings. I can’t imagine anyone would get hurt by splitting it properly regardless of their circumstances. But I can see hurt and resentment from D otherwise. Plus if D is still young they could have children yet who won’t benefit either.

Any scenario but an equal split will cause resentment and problems.

And which sibling needs it the most in your opinion?

It's not punishment, it's being compassionate and wanting to support your siblings. Parents will definitely have to explain the reasoning to the children so it's not a case of make the will and let them find out after parents pass, that's wrong.

Parents should be able to have a mature conversation to explain and I'm sure of D is reasonable he or she will be fine.

I think putting D in that position is dreadfully unfair. It pressurises them to agree because a parent has made the suggestion so hinted that they think that is right, otherwise why would they be told?

My Mum left everything split exactly equally between me and my sister's. My sister's and I have differing levels of personal wealth. That is not any of my Mum's doing.

Gosh this is hard.

I would run this idea past D and offer say 20k given their lucrative circumstances

They might accept it happily and appreciate the difficult circumstances of their siblings

I think it has to be equal split otherwise a lot of family resentment will be caused. Situations can change also

Equal split or D will hate their parents.

Yes, B and C already had help, A and D never had any help yet 1 parent wants to give their siblings, some of whom have already received generous help, more help at A and D's expense. You can see which the favoured DC are in this family.

so? D worked for everything, what stopped the siblings to choose the same career path?

You'd think the gift of a free house would have been a massive boost, why didn't they make the most of it?

What kind of parents make judgement on what lifestyle is best, and give the most money to their favourite one? It's bonkers.

And b and c have both got mortgage free houses they've not paid or worked for. Op is quite clear in the fact that they (or parent 1) have favourites in their children!

Equal split. Or else you are going to create resentment and problems.

Child D could end up a single parent, lose their job, anything really which would mean a change in their circumstances.

But mainly an equal split is better, as parents you'll be saying we love you all equally and want you all to benefit from our good fortune.

This is so sad. Poor D. The inequality will hurt them, no matter how they try and hide it. I thinks it’s awful they’ve already helped out 2 children and giving money to Grandchildren when D doesn’t have any children of their own really sticks the knife in.

Should be split equally. Situation for any of them could change overnight. Let them decide how best to use the money and at least you know you won’t cause any family divides or resentment. Also do you really know everyone’s situation financially?

Given the complicated nature of all the financial gifts they've got or not got from you, splitting it evenly 4 ways is the right thing to do IMO.

£50k to each kid. Keep £100k for yourselves.

I would ask child D’s opinion on this.

@Smartfox "Years ago I watched a series of tv programmes about Wills and inheritance."

I watched this series too, or at least something very similar if not the same. I found it fascinating! It made me realise there is nothing that will split a family more than unequal parental attention (either literal or financial).
The one I remember most was a farming family. Parents wanted to leave the farm to their three sons, who worked on the farm with them, so they could keep their job. But their fourth child, a daughter who worked elsewhere, was hurt that she wouldn't get a share because to her it wasn't just a workplace it was the family home.

Wow did you just say what stopped others from choosing the same career path? That's a very heartless thing to say and yes if you were OPs child she should divide it equally if not you will raise hell for your share.

For other people who are more compassionate and mature they will understand better.

And I don't get this narrative of judging by lifestyle, this is simply helping where it is needed the most. Equality v equity.

I earn significantly more than my siblings, I've worked in investment banking and consulting and I will NEVER ever say to my sibling "what stopped you from choosing the same career path I did" that's so cruel and selfish I don't even know what to say to you. And I will gladly tell my parents to leave the assets to them if I am truly well off that I don't need it.

Instead of taking the mummy doesn't love me route, I would consider myself blessed that I am doing well and do not need their money and will take it as an opportunity to help my siblings rather than be selfish, grabby and tie my parents love to them giving me money.

Yes, this!

It's not that hard, D has an expensive house that she has the ability to pay off in the next 5 years due to very high income, has holiday home, has rental property. It's really not that hard.

How on earth is that a cruel and selfish question of a set of siblings who were all (presumably) given equal educational opportunities??
Don't be daft.

That puts them under pressure to say give more money to B and C. I suppose that's what parent 1 wants to do anyway. I was child D in my family. My Mum split things equally between all her DC. We all felt equally loved. I bought my younger sister a new car with some of my share. I also helped out a dniece whilst she did a 4 year Uni course because I knew my younger sister couldn't afford to help her eldest DD. While I was very happy to share the money my Mum had left me with my wider family in need. I'd have felt dreadfully unloved if my Mum had bypassed me and gave additional money to my younger sister and even worse and pressured if Mum had had asked me what she should do about her will. If you want your DC to still have a good relationship after you are gone share it equally or as another poster up thread suggested add the £300k with the £100k child B got and the £100k what child C got together which would be £125 each and so leave £125 to A and D and £25k to B and C explaining in will overall that is equal gift to each DC. If A and D choose to gift to siblings after they have received their share that is up to them.

It doesn't matter who has want , who,has more , who,has less .. they have 4 children it's shared Equally 4 ways

Sorry but you're the selfish daft one of you will conclude your parents don't love you because they helped your siblings who are doing worse off than you.

It's very very simple, even by giving the money to the 3 who needs it, D is still way way better off than them so D doesn't need it.

And please cut out the ridiculous they gave them same education opportunity as excuse, we all know people end up with different results in life. I'm sure you don't expect everyone to end up as millionaire do you? That would be daft.