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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

What does fairness look like to you in this scenario?

840 replies

JonahAndTheMinnow · 16/10/2023 19:34

Parent 1 and parent 2 have been married for a long time and have four adult children. They’ve recently sold an asset and want to share £300k amongst their children.

All children are aged between 35 and 48.

Child A - Eldest child. Married with grown-up children who live independently. Mortgage cleared recently. Household income isn’t very high and they don’t have much of a pension pot so will likely rely on state pension and likely work to full retirement age.

Child B - Was a very young single parent. Their child is now grown up and B has a partner. They live together in B’s house (bought by B’s parents) and B has no mortgage. B is a very low earner with no personal pension and will rely on state pension and work until full retirement age. Their job is tough and very physically demanding and working to 65+ will be a challenge.

Child C - Has two children (teens) in full time education, one with severe physical disabilities who will never live independently. C can’t work due to caring needs. Her husband works and he has a pension which should see them both live a modest but comfortable retirement. Child is in receipt of disability benefits. C and her husband have about 4 years left on their mortgage. Monthly payment is low on a house worth over £500k, thanks to generous gifts from parents, but they’ll never be able to downsize as it’s custom built to meet needs of disabled child. They have a lot of additional costs linked to their child- physio, need for a vehicle that can meet their needs rather than a cheap run-around etc.

Child D - Youngest child. Vey high earner married to a very high earner. No children. High mortgage costs on a large home but will clear in next five years. Own several investment properties and an holiday home outright. D and spouse will retire early with significant pensions. Current unmortgaged assets valued in the millions and had an inheritance from spouse’s parents of £600k in 2020.

Parent 1 wants to split the money between children A, B, and C so they’ll each have £100k. 1 thinks they need the money more than D and it’s a life changing opportunity for them whereas it’s not for D. 1 thinks that treating people fairly doesn’t always mean treating people equally and circumstances have to be taken into account.

Parent 2 wants to split the money equally between all 4 giving them £75k each. 2 believes that all children in the family should be treated equally, regardless of their current position.

What do you think?

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 16/10/2023 19:36

Parent 2 is right.

Twiggywinkle13 · 16/10/2023 19:36

It’s difficult and I see both parents but I’m definitely a split it equally.

CrystalMaisie · 16/10/2023 19:36

All children treated the same and receive a qual amounts.

category12 · 16/10/2023 19:37

Parent 2 is right.

Fireisland · 16/10/2023 19:37

Don't even need to read their individual situations - they should each receive the same.

BibbleandSqwauk · 16/10/2023 19:37

I'd say talk to child D and explain your reservations. I'd like to think in those circumstances I'd want to give my share to my needier siblings. Id be wary of child B's situation and want to make sure the money was legally protected from her low earning partner should they split.

CissOff · 16/10/2023 19:38

A fair split between all 4.

Situations change - divorce, health, disabled children. DC4 may not always have access to the same wealth.

Plus, it would surely cause I’ll feeling between the siblings?! Regardless of how much/little it’s needed. DC4 can donate it to their siblings if it’s genuinely not needed.

Daisy4569 · 16/10/2023 19:38

Parent 2 definitely. If D chooses to offer their share to the others (without any prompting or encouragement!) that’s fair enough but I don’t think it should be down to circumstances. Who knows what the future holds for any of them.

AhBiscuits · 16/10/2023 19:38

You need to split it equally unless you want Child D to cut you off.

Almostautumn2023 · 16/10/2023 19:38

agree

MolkosTeenageAngst · 16/10/2023 19:39

Split it into quarters, if sibling D wants to gift their share to their siblings they can but I don’t think parents should ever split money anything but equally between children.

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 16/10/2023 19:39

Parent 2 is right.

Octavia64 · 16/10/2023 19:39

Parent 2 is right.

If they do what parent 1 is suggesting child D will feel that they are unloved. It will not be seen as a money issue at all but a which child is loved more issue.

Almostautumn2023 · 16/10/2023 19:39

Almostautumn2023 · 16/10/2023 19:38

agree

Sorry equal shares

Onlywords · 16/10/2023 19:39

If you do anything other than option 2 you be sending the message that you think some children are more important/worth and you will create division between the children.

SusanBland · 16/10/2023 19:40

I think equal between them all. Child D's situation now may not last forever. I think to do it the other way would cause a row. Have they spoken to Child D to see what they think? They might agree that the others should get more.

SaracensMavericks · 16/10/2023 19:40

I'm with Parent 2.

Smartiepants79 · 16/10/2023 19:40

BibbleandSqwauk · 16/10/2023 19:37

I'd say talk to child D and explain your reservations. I'd like to think in those circumstances I'd want to give my share to my needier siblings. Id be wary of child B's situation and want to make sure the money was legally protected from her low earning partner should they split.

I’d say this. But it would depend on the relationships between siblings and parents.
Just choosing to ignore one child is a recipe for disaster and life long hurt.

RedCrossSupporter · 16/10/2023 19:40

I’d set up a £100k trust for disabled child of C so their care needs can be met when C and C partner pass on. And split the £200k amongst the other grandkids equally

All the adult children are doing well, I’d focus on taking care of the grandkids. Their generation is having the toughest time yet.

CaineRaine · 16/10/2023 19:41

Split it equally, anything else risks tarnishing what is meant to be a lovely gesture to the children.

WhyNotUsehis · 16/10/2023 19:41

What would confuse the issue for me is that you say that Child B already has a house which was given to them by parents

So they have already received a large amount

MissAmbrosia · 16/10/2023 19:41

Equal shares for all

Overthebow · 16/10/2023 19:42

Treat them equally and money is split. However if I were D I wouldn’t accept the money and would want my portion to go to the others. I would appreciate parents being fair however.

MrsHughesPinny · 16/10/2023 19:42

I’m with parent 2. It should be equal.

Overthebow · 16/10/2023 19:42

WhyNotUsehis · 16/10/2023 19:41

What would confuse the issue for me is that you say that Child B already has a house which was given to them by parents

So they have already received a large amount

Edited

Oh that’s true I hadn’t picked up in that. In that case how much extra have they had and so maybe that amount would be discounted?

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