Alcohol question

[PumkinPetra]

Im posting here for traffic. I hope thats ok

how much alcohol is ok for someone to drink - normal amount vs wondering if they are a functioning alcoholic?

this person drinks at home mainly in the evening but hobby involves the pub on the weekend and does go to the pub one night a week to meet a friend

eg is it normal for someone to drink daily/every weekend? They say they are an adult and look forward to a drink. They hold down a job and i agree, drinking doesn’t get in the way of them working.

personally, drinking is not for me, i dont like the taste/feeling of it especially since having children. They say, im judging them because i dont drink

They drink every single day? How much a day?

Obviously, I don't know the whole story and you'll get different views on here re what is a normal amount to drink. But in my experience, when someone feels that a person close to them has a problem with alcohol, they usually turn out to be correct. If the person they are concerned about didn't have a problem with alcohol they'd probably say "I don't think it's an issue but if it's bothering you, I'll cut down" rather than getting defensive. I'm not teetotal by the way and enjoy a glass or two of wine at the weekend but drinking every night would be too much for me.

It depends. Would/Could they completely give up alcohol for an extended period of time?

Assuming it's someone close to you, ask them to stop for 30 days (maybe even allow for big events in this period), if they struggle to go more than a few days then there's probably an issue.

Lots of alcoholics in my family, they'd struggle to stop for 3 days to be honest.

Some people drink a bit too much but aren't alcohol dependent, 30 days off can be a refreshing re set for people like this!

Thanks for your replies.

@HattieIou Id say between 4-6 cans a day, will have more including wine on a weekend

@Poseidensgrumpyneighbour Yes i agree, feels like every time they home, they have an alcoholic drink in their hand. I cannot rely on them to help take the kids around. They confessed the other day to having drove home down the motorway from the pub (works drinks) after 4 pints. I went mad obviously but i didnt find out until days later.

@MxK @Betty407 i do suggest dry jan/sober October but there’s always an excuse. He did try to do a month once but couldn’t manage it. Although, i do sometimes find an empty can or two/bottle of wine behind the sofa so im honestly not sure he could even do it completely. They are probably drinking more than i know

Its just they make me feel like im making something out of nothing. I feel like im going mad. I feel like im the problem. They say they dont have a problem/not an alcoholic and others drink as much. Thats why im trying to find out whats normal

Sounds like my oh sorry I can’t advise my situation sounds very similar and I’m worried too

4-6 cans a day and more on weekends is definitely a problem.

I often asked my exH to stop drinking for a few weeks and see how he felt. It never happened, there was always an excuse. Over time the drinking just got more and more until eventually I couldn't stand it any more.
We had similar issues to what you describe with him taking a chance and drink driving and also with him not being able to give the kids lifts in the evening.
I 100% agree that if you're thinking it's a problem, then it is a problem.

I've always thought that drinking is an issue if it affects your relationships, your health or your job. Some people drink wine or beer every day without issue, for some it causes problems.

You need to sit with your spouse and have a chat on how it is affecting your relationship and with the children.

They confessed the other day to having drove home down the motorway from the pub (works drinks) after 4 pints.

Deal breaker right there. Yes, drinking that much every day means they have a problem. The fact that other people also drink that much just means they have a problem as well. The fact that it's common doesn't make it less if a problem. And driving after 4 pints is unforgivable. If you think they are doing that again, call the police. How would you feel if they crashed and killed someone?

@PumkinPetra unfortunately making excuses and denial are very typical behaviours of someone who has problems with alcohol (the first of the 12 steps of recovery is accepting you have a problem)
Making an effort to conceal the fact they’ve been drinking by hiding bottles and cans is also a bad sign
If someone can’t or won’t even give up alcohol for a month then I would say yes they have a problem, whether it’s affecting other parts of their life (e.g. work) or not.

Definitely a problem

https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/alcohol-misuse/

NHS recommends no more than 14 units a week, spread over at least 3 days, with multiple alcohol free days per week.
The person you describe is likely drinking 6-15 units on weeknights and more at weekends. (Units estimated from the NHS link here https://www.nhs.uk/live-well/alcohol-advice/calculating-alcohol-units/)
I’d call it a serious alcohol problem.

Ive noticed as well that hes more and more buying the pint cans of stella vs the smaller ?440 ml. Probably so hes drinking more but its the same amount of empties going in the bin. Thank you. Its a lonely life living with someone with these issues. I would like to end our relationship but he keeps saying that i need to give him the chance to change things, whilst sitting drinking a beer 😒 if he got caught drink driving/being over the limit from the previous night, he would lose his job as its quite a distance from home plus driving a bit is a part of his role. Doesnt seem to listen though

The cans he bought yesterday were 2.8 units and he drank 7 = 19.6 units 🥺 sunday night and theyre up at 7am for work

I don't live in the uk. It's usual here to drink every day. Not a lot but at least a glass of wine

Many drink much more and seem perfectly OK. If it's affecting work, relationships, etc then it's a problem

He's definitely has alcohol issues OP.

Only a matter of time before he crashes and kills innocent people.

Of course he's always going to deny it though.

I would like to end our relationship but he keeps saying that i need to give him the chance to change things, whilst sitting drinking a beer 😒

He has no intention of changing. That's very clear from what you said upthread about him denying he's got a problem and saying you're only making a fuss about it because you don't drink. He's just hoping that if he says 'Give me a chance to change things' you'll shut up about it and let him get on with his drinking in peace. I'm sure you're not naïve enough to fall for that line.

19.6 units the night before an early morning drive to work is way too much. If he's having this amount regularly then, yes, I would think it's an issue.

I hardly drink alcohol at all now due to a heart condition and, with hindsight, I probably did drink too much previously. I agree with challenging him to do an alcohol free month, even a week, if he can't manage that then there's definitely a dependancy.

STBXH is/was similar. Minimum 2 pints a night, usually more, weekends it would be pints and cans etc. probably easily hitting around 50units per week. He never saw a problem, kept telling me I was making a big deal over nothing. It's ok and normal to be having 2 pints a night, I should be grateful he's drinking at home as he could be in the pub every evening instead. And yes he would drink drive too (adamant that 1 and half pints would make him under the limit, and would frequently drink more if I wasn't around). It was gradually getting worse and his personality changed, and was becoming increasingly paranoid too.

Leaving is the best thing I did. I'm so a peace now. You can't help someone who doesn't see a problem with their behaviour. Look after yourself first

He’s probably over the alcohol limit in the mornings still when he’s driving.
Your liver can process one unit of alcohol in around an hour, 1,5 hours to be safe (the exact rate depends on things like body size and sex and so varies between individuals). If he’s drinking 19units between say, 6pm and midnight, he’s still got 6units or so in his system at 7am the next morning.

That's a problem. My dad is an alcoholic. He drinks about 5 beers a day.

What does a normal relationship with alcohol look like? I grew up in a house where alcohol wasnt hardly featured. My mum didnt drink and my dad did but only on the oddest occasion. Barely went into a pub unless it was for a party/do

when i met this person, their who family are big drinkers. I was made to feel my family were the exception and drinking is what people did. That was a long time ago and i just went with it and didn’t question it

i would say that just adding up units, they probably drink around 70-80 units over a week. Probably more on holidays/summer/christmas times when its more acceptable.

You mention kids. Kids who live with an alcoholic are much more likely to grow up to become alcoholics themselves.

Have you thought about going to Al-anon OP? It's for families of those with an alcohol problem.