Alcohol question

[PumkinPetra]

Im posting here for traffic. I hope thats ok

how much alcohol is ok for someone to drink - normal amount vs wondering if they are a functioning alcoholic?

this person drinks at home mainly in the evening but hobby involves the pub on the weekend and does go to the pub one night a week to meet a friend

eg is it normal for someone to drink daily/every weekend? They say they are an adult and look forward to a drink. They hold down a job and i agree, drinking doesn’t get in the way of them working.

personally, drinking is not for me, i dont like the taste/feeling of it especially since having children. They say, im judging them because i dont drink

@Tryingtohelp12 I have suggested/bought and drank alcohol free drinks myself to try to encourage him. He does like them but obviously prefers the real thing unfortunately

@FOJN yes youre right. I need to change the way approach it. I guess im hoping he will say yes sure lets split up but thats not going to happen! He has made me feel tied up in knots before and i back down, push my feelings back inside and carry on, putting my actors face on for another 6 months. When i say he gets nasty i mean like with words not DV

I once had a talk with my wife about alcohol. She was worried I was drinking too much, and I definitely had been. It was during COVID lockdown number 2 and I was WFH full time during the winter and was using it as something to alleviate the boredom I guess.

Anyhoo, the long and short of it is it was a wake up call to me. So we said we were allowed 2 nights a week, so if I wanted to watch a football game with a beer in the week I'd have to miss off a night at the weekend.

I found it worked really well as a strategy for re-evaluating my relationship with alcohol.

It might be something to consider as a last chance if you want to save the relationship.

Well done for deciding to address it PumkinPetra, that's really admirable.

Are there things you need to get organised before you have this conversation? Joint finances that need to be sorted? Living arrangements worked out? If so it would be a good idea for you to look at those first and make a plan so he can't trip you up and make it seem impossible. (There are plenty of wise posters on the Relationships board have good advice about that.)

Be reassured that you are the grown up here. You are the one whose head is sorted and who can see this for what it is. Don't let him try to make you believe it's the other way round, and that he's in control and you're overreacting with regards to his drinking. If he tries that line, remind him that he's broken the law and endangered his own life, and the lives of other people. His drinking is a problem. You no longer want it to be your problem.

@Wittyname10 i think in an ideal world, thats the best outcome but me mentioning his alcohol intake instantly gets his hackles up. Im a nag etc. he doesnt have a problem. Im obsessed with how much he drinks etc. glad that worked for you though

The past two days hes drank. So much for not drinking. Ive seen cans but not seen him with a drink. Hes hiding it. There is an empty can behind the sofa

I think you should get things sorted for yourself and then leave him. He doesn’t have to agree to a divorce or separation. That can be a unilateral decision. It doesn’t matter whether he believes you or not about your reasoning.

His biggest relationship is with alcohol and not you unfortunately. That is the love of his life and it will always come first.
Beware of DV as anyone getting in the way of his life’s passion is a threat.

Also he has had a lifetime of role models showing him this is acceptable. Unlikely you are going to be able to break this unless he really loves you.

Sorry to say it but it’s definitely beyond me to advise what you do, but I hope you find a solution. Having a partner lie to you and to himself must be very hard.