Alcohol question

[PumkinPetra]

Im posting here for traffic. I hope thats ok

how much alcohol is ok for someone to drink - normal amount vs wondering if they are a functioning alcoholic?

this person drinks at home mainly in the evening but hobby involves the pub on the weekend and does go to the pub one night a week to meet a friend

eg is it normal for someone to drink daily/every weekend? They say they are an adult and look forward to a drink. They hold down a job and i agree, drinking doesn’t get in the way of them working.

personally, drinking is not for me, i dont like the taste/feeling of it especially since having children. They say, im judging them because i dont drink

My mum is an alcoholic and her intake crept up. She was 'functioning' for many years but that functionality was reducing all the time. She doesn't drink now but only because she's got Korsakoffs. I remember for years being able to tell straight away if she'd started drinking for the day and it has ruined so many occasions for me.

If this is something you haven't discussed before I'd give them one chance and if they don't stop then put your children first. Living with an alcoholic is awful.

Your husband will feel that his drinking is normal because his behaviour is normal for his family, but that doesn't mean it's right.
You have to look forward to when your children are adults. Do you want them to grow up to be heavy drinkers?

If he does 'give up' you'll have to be on the lookout for secret drinking. Even though my mum hasn't drunk in over a year I still have a little search round when I visit in case (I stay with my young children and we won't stay in her house if she has access to alcohol). The back of cupboard, behind things, boot of car, the garage etc

Its just they make me feel like im making something out of nothing. I feel like im going mad. I feel like im the problem. They say they dont have a problem/not an alcoholic and others drink as much. Thats why im trying to find out whats normal

Do not get caught up in a discussion about how much alcohol makes someone an alcoholic. It's not how much someone drinks that makes somone an alcoholic. The inability to stop drinking or control how much they drink once they start is much more indicative. Some alcoholics are binge drinkers and don't drink everyday to start with but often the binges get longer and the breaks between get shorter.

He is drink driving, hiding alcohol and gaslighting you. All of these things suggest he has a problem with alcohol.

BUT

The real issue here is that the amount of alcohol consumed and the behaviour around it it unacceptable to you. You do not need to establish that the person you are writing about is an alcoholic to justify ending a relationship. They do not think they have a problem which means nothing will change and they will continue to lie to you.

You have to decide if you are willing to put up with that. I wouldn't, he makes you feel like you are going mad and you are here trying to determine what normal drinking is to find out if perhaps he's right. Do you really want to be with someone like that?

A couple sharing a bottle of wine a night and maybe a full bottle at the weekend is fine. If they can afford to and its not impacting anybody else. And I'm assuming half a bottle of wine isn't getting anybody drunk.
I don't really drink anymore as I can't handle the headache the next day. And when you've got kids, you kind of need to be 'ready to roll' in an emergency and be able to wake up fresh the next day. So I'm probably the most unhealthy of drinkers, as I'll have the odd night out and drink too much.
I do think having to drink everyday, is unhealthy. But then I also think anybody over 25, regularly drinking with the intention of getting drunk has a problem.

Drink driving is the absolute red line for me. There's no going back from that, and if he tries to excuse it or minimise, or make out you're overreacting, that would be the end of the relationship, no question at all. Nothing short of admitting that he has a huge problem and accepting that it's time to do everything he can to tackle it (which would look like AA attendance or something similar) would salvage the relationship after that. There is no doubt at all that his drinking is problematic, and needs to be addressed, no matter whether he sees it that way or not. It's a problem for society.

My dd passed her driving test last month, and the thought of her being out on the road with selfish, arrogant arses like that makes my blood run cold. I don't give a toss whether it interferes with his working or not. It's not okay.

A normal relationship with alcohol and a healthy relationship with alcohol are two different things unfortunately. Consistently driving over the weekly recommended limit is extremely common, although many people might have a drink most evenings, or two or three but only at weekends - which could put them over the 14 unit recommendation very easily, without the amount creeping up and without taking risks like drink driving or having their day-to-day functioning impaired. They will be increasing their risks of alcohol related illnesses though.
I like to think I have a pretty healthy relationship with alcohol. I don’t have a drink every day. I do have a drink or two on social occasions and sometimes at home in the evenings. I might drink something 3 days out of 7, having either one or two drinks. So I probably drink 6-10 units most weeks. Probably be better if I cut it down to just the social occasions and had one drink then switched to non alcoholic ones 🤷‍♀️. Someone teetotal might look at me and say ´oh she drinks quite a lot/quite often’. A lot of people who like a drink might say that I hardly drink at all because I don’t binge drink and I have lots of alcohol free days.

That's well into alcoholism. I enjoy a glass of wine but if I drank 19 units in a night I don't think I'd wake up.

Half a bottle of wine is about 5 units.
A full bottle is 10.
So that would put a person at/just over the weekly limit, and actually 10units in one sitting counts as a binge. - NHS recommends spreading 14units evenly over 3 or more days - basically not going over 5 ish units per day.

So they are drinking everyday. By your calculations on an average day between 11 and 20 units per day plus more at the weekend. They are also hiding bottles behind sofas etc... The recommended weekly guidelines is no more than 14 units per week, that's with a few days of not drinking and not binging it all in one or two nights. The person you are talking about is way over that. Bear in mind as well that if they are drinking 20 units in an evening and then up for work the next morning, if they are driving then they will be over the limit as it takes a healthy liver 1 hour to process 1 unit of alcohol. This sounds problematic. My advise is for you at least to seek Professional support with this even if they don't want to so that you have the knowledge and support.

If he had a beer or two every evening, plus a bit more at the weekends I don't think that would be the end of the world... I am a big drinker (drink 5 days a week) and even I think 4-6 cans a night is completely excessive, that's before we've even considered the drink driving which is a complete deal breaker personally. He sounds like an alcoholic.

I hear you OP, you have my sympathy, I am in a very similar situation with my partner - we do not live together yet and only see one another at weekends and I have no idea how much she drinks during the week, but I have yet to spend a day in her company when she hasn't had a few drinks. Any opportunity, any occasion, any alcohol! She regularly drinks a bottle of red on a Friday and Saturday evening, often has a drink during the middle of the day at weekends, I know she drinks cider, lager, Baileys or vodka in the evenings during the week. Is proud of the risky, antisocial and promiscuous behaviours she has indulged in, in the not too distant past , wears it like a badge of honour and repeatedly refers to it. Her friends are of the same metal and when I mentioned 'stoptober, the other day, they all chorused, in unison, "we don't do that shit". We went to lay flowers on my mum's grave a few weeks ago, on a Sunday afternoon, (my mum was an alcoholic), and on the way home she insisted on stopping at a pub for a drink. The irony and insensitivity was not lost on me! I hate pubs anyway, as she well knows, the atmosphere, the stomach churning smell of alcohol, the people who spend time in pubs, not people I want to spend time with.

She had the nerve to tell me the other day "you have an issue with alcohol"! I don't, I admit I am biased, predjudiced, mistrust it and am wary of it, having experienced alcoholism in my mum, and a former partner who was a secret drinker, untl she ended up in hospital, in ICU, and nearly died. It is happening for the third time!

She told me twice, over the last two weekends, that "I am a drinker, I enjoy drinking hard, I enjoy binge drinking and I am not going to stop" I have my answer and am planning my escape - I will not go through it a third time!

You can only keep your own side of the street clean, lest, in clearing up another's mess, you wear out your broom!

I did not cause it
I am not responsible
I cannot control it
I cannot stop it

Get out OP, while you still can, it will not change and will drag you down too

It would be too much for me, for sure. I was thinking about my parents tbh. They are retired, late 70s and have taken to sharing a bottle of wine every night. They enjoy it and for them, I think let them enjoy their pleasures.
It does surprise me though, that half a bottle a night would be considered over the healthy limit. But I don't doubt you.

That's about 33 units per week, which is double the NHS recommended maximum. I think that's way too much. Even though I probably used to drink it myself.

Drinking a little every day isn't necessarily a problem, drinking 4-6 cans every day is definitely a problem and drink-driving is an even bigger problem.

It does sound too much when you put it like that 😅 I don't drink really. But my retired parents have shared a bottle of red every night, for the last few years. They are in their late 70s now. They are otherwise healthy enough, so I wouldn't begrudge them one of their simple pleasures.

Yep, my friend DH said it was all in her head, too. He's now in hospital in end stage liver failure, and it's still all in her head. He doesn't have a problem it's everyone else. Admitting the problem is the first step.

A couple sharing a bottle of wine a night and maybe a full bottle at the weekend is fine. If they can afford to and its not impacting anybody else. And I'm assuming half a bottle of wine isn't getting anybody drunk.

It's not fine healthwise though. The problems with excessive drinking (and what you describe is excessive drinking) are not solely limited to incapacity due to drunkenness, or confined to alcoholics. I speak as someone who used to drink too much (but was never a daily drinker).

He is an addict. He will tell you that he will change, but he won’t.

Oh yeah I know, the recommends limits feel really quite low when you do the maths. As I said upthread, I drink amounts that many people would consider hardly anything, but actually I get close to the weekly limit often. I would have been a little bit over it fairly often a few years back before kids, even though I’ve never really considered myself to be a heavy drinker.
I wouldn’t worry about your parents unless they are driving after drinking half a bottle of wine. It’s not ideal health wise but in your late seventies I think it’s fair to choose to enjoy yourself over optimizing your health if you prefer 🤷‍♀️. If they were concerned they could swap to an non alcoholic alternative every other day and that would bring their drinking much closer to the limits the NHS recommends.

Thank you for your responses

Just revisiting after a couple of days. Given the updates, I’d say this person most definitely has a problem with alcohol. Very best of luck whatever you decide to do next.

thanks for checking in on me. Im in the mindset that i want to call it a day. Im planning to have a talk with him in the next day or so. Unsure how to go about it so any helpful tips/advice are welcome! When ive mentioned splitting up before he tells me that im not perfect, i never said i was, he kind of gets a bit nasty and says im splitting up the family, not giving him a chance to change things (he doesn’t do anything to change things, or he will cut out one night a week and expect a gold star). He has also accused me of seeing someone else, there isnt anyone else! Hes going to be tough one to break away from thats for sure 🤨

You're not negotiating the end of the relationship, you are telling him what you want which is to split up.

Don't get involved in tit for tat accusations, alcoholics are manipulative, he'll tie you in knots and you will get tired and worn down before he does.

You tell him the relationship is no longer working for you. Despite multiple discussions about his drinking nothing has changed and you will not spend more time waiting for that to happen. You will not take the blame for splitting the family up when he refuses to address his drinking problem.

Make sure you are safe when you have the conversation. Have someone else in the house if you think he is going to turn nasty.

Good luck, it might be tough but I'm sure it won't take long for you to feel relieved.

Would he switch to alcohol free? My husband enjoys a beer and doesn’t really drink anything but beer and tea. He was getting into a bad habit of 1-2 bottles (330ml) most days. So not a huge amount but a slippery slope
in the last year he’s hugely upped his exercise. He’s less likely to drink brfore exercising or if he’s just finished exercising. He also has been trying various alcohol free beers and has found 2 that he thinks are nice. So much so that he saw one being served in a pub and ordered it instead of an alcohol version!

I used to drink a lot (2-4 bottles of wine a week at home) but since having children have really got out of the habit. I now only buy the mini bottles and have 2-3 glasses a month. Maybe a couple more out of the house/at dinner. I think it’s predominantly habit changing