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Original poster

Christmas dilemma 201 ! - DSC and BM

66 replies

Imjusttootired · 16/10/2023 06:06

So you may have seen my previous thread about the Nintendo switch which then after I messaged them about it was told that they actually couldn’t have DSC for Christmas.
so bit of a recap - DSC lives with me and has done most of his life. This Christmas is our first Christmas without DP.
they have supervised contact with bio mum once a month.
it turns out that it isn’t exactly her fault that they can’t have them on the day but due to the usual supervisors plans means it’s not possible.
DSC is older enough to understand Christmas ( primary school aged ) and not the only child in the house.
navigating first Christmas for them all without DP including myself is hard.
bio mum is now asking if it would be ok if her and her husband ( married 4 years ) could come over to ours for the day so they could spend Xmas with DSC.
I am totally conflicted about this- keep in mind it’s been a patchy relationship.
the kids are and I are going through so much and I was going to travel to families house so I wasn’t alone on Xmas day.
I’m concerned about my eldest might not feel comfortable and they would like to be around family too on the other hand putting their wants first would be maybe withholding DSC from their mum at Xmas.
I have been really trying to navigate and everything and make it “ fair “ but keeping the kids in mind to.
I don’t want to ask DSC until I know for sure it will go ahead because they are beyond confused right now as it is.
I have alternatively offered another day the week of Xmas if supervisor was available.

OP posts:
Bearcub101 · 16/10/2023 06:09

I remember your last thread. That’s a tricky one. Could you have them over in the morning and you go to your family for the afternoon?

AgentProvocateur · 16/10/2023 06:10

what a tough time for you all. Is your DSC’s mum close enough that they could come for a few hours in the morning to do presents and then you could have the rest of your day with your family?

happylittlesloth · 16/10/2023 06:15

I would perhaps say part of the day. The whole day will be too intense. Perhaps she could come for breakfast and opening of the Nintendo switch?

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 16/10/2023 06:18

Do you think her being in the house might confuse DSC.
so they have never been in a situation where any of us have been in the same room ( DP and her were no contact )

OP posts:
Covidiokilledtheradiostar · 16/10/2023 06:19

I remember your other thread @Imjusttootired

if the mum is close enough I’d offer that she (and her husband) come over for breakfast and presents in the morning then you go to family? If not because either she isn’t close enough or your family is too far for that to work I’d suggest maybe doing something on the 23rd? Like have a mini Christmas maybe let all the kids open one present early. I know it’s hard to navigate when you have small ones and a belief in Santa

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 16/10/2023 06:26

I personally wouldn't have them in my house,theirs a reason why it's supervised contact, their not your friends and it would be awkward for all. But I would offer to meet Xmas eve in a public place (nice cafe, play centre, shopping centre ) for a set amount of time to exchange gifts.

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 16/10/2023 06:29

@Ohdearwhatnow4 that is my worry is that it will be awkward and their is also high emotions around for everyone.

OP posts:
Lackinginspiration1 · 16/10/2023 06:29

no, it sets a precedent. And such an emotional time needs to be carefully managed. Not worth the risk

happylittlesloth · 16/10/2023 06:29

Imjusttootired · 16/10/2023 06:18

Do you think her being in the house might confuse DSC.
so they have never been in a situation where any of us have been in the same room ( DP and her were no contact )

It won't do if you explain its a visit. People visit each other a lot.

From your post there's another child in the house too (at least one). So you need to be conscious of their Christmas too. I'd allow a couple of hours at most.

Doingmybest12 · 16/10/2023 06:29

I think you need to talk to someone in real life who know more about the issues and how the children cope with things really. They may well be confused and anxious about get coming into their home.

happylittlesloth · 16/10/2023 06:30

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 16/10/2023 06:26

I personally wouldn't have them in my house,theirs a reason why it's supervised contact, their not your friends and it would be awkward for all. But I would offer to meet Xmas eve in a public place (nice cafe, play centre, shopping centre ) for a set amount of time to exchange gifts.

That is a good comprise

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 16/10/2023 06:31

@Doingmybest12 we have sought advice when needed but tbh there isn’t much surrounding this in terms of support.
they have support for the grief side of things

but this whole new co parenting situation is proving difficult.

OP posts:
Lalachops · 16/10/2023 06:32

I remember your last thread OP and I'm so sorry for the loss of your DP.
I agree with @Ohdearwhatnow4 has suggested and I would not have them in your house. Aside from that there must be a reason you need to think of your self here! You have been through a lot and you are being lovely thinking of DSC and BM so much but put yourself and your DC and DSC first!
It is awkward having people you don't really want in your house, especially on Christmas Day, I never relax until my in laws have been and gone!

MayThe4th · 16/10/2023 06:34

I don’t know how supervised contact works, but if you start agreeing to contact outside of the supervised setting, could this open up potential for her to start seeking more, and unsupervised contact in the future?

For her to only have one day’s supervised contact once a month suggests that there are some fairly serious issues at play here. I would in fact seek some legal advice on this to make sure you’re not opening yourself (and DSC) to more trouble in the future.

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 16/10/2023 06:35

@Lalachops don’t ! That’s my next worry that the in-laws may ask to.
then my Christmas would definitely be more like a really dark comedy drama !

OP posts:
CwmYoy · 16/10/2023 06:37

Don't set the precedent of them coming to your house, please. This is a safe space for the DCs and they do not belong there.

Meeting Christmas Eve is an excellent suggestion.

moose62 · 16/10/2023 06:41

You need to visit your family. Just explain that it has already been organised and they can have contact another day. It is supervised contact for a reason. Don't let them emotionally blackmail you. Same with inlaws. You arrange what suits you best and the others can fit round it.

GreatBigBeautifulTommorow · 16/10/2023 06:42

No I wouldn’t.

there must be a reason contact is supervised, inviting them over blurs boundaries and may cause an issue in the future for you.

CousinGoldfinch · 16/10/2023 06:44

I think dsc might well feel unsafe if they are allowed in your home. It is their safe place, whatever the reasons for supervised contact.

SKG2007 · 16/10/2023 06:45

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 16/10/2023 06:26

I personally wouldn't have them in my house,theirs a reason why it's supervised contact, their not your friends and it would be awkward for all. But I would offer to meet Xmas eve in a public place (nice cafe, play centre, shopping centre ) for a set amount of time to exchange gifts.

I agree with this.

Jethia · 16/10/2023 06:45

Go to your family on Christmas Day, you all need that extra support as it's going to be difficult day for you all. Last thing you need is strangers in your house, don't even do it for an hour as it may be hard to get them to leave.

As others have said there's a reason the contact is supervised so arrange to meet up somewhere either on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day on way to your family. But don't have them in your house

MsMcGonagall · 16/10/2023 06:46

The answer is No. Stick with your original plan to visit your family. Stick with your original offer to accommodate whenever the supervisor can do in xmas week. Contact is surely supervised for a reason. Don't sabotage that.

fgsstopbs · 16/10/2023 06:46

I also agree with not having them in your house and offer an alternate date near Christmas when the supervisor of the visits is free. You're going through a lot already OP, you don't need more stress.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 16/10/2023 06:47

Speaking from experience, don't let the boundaries blur into your personal space. Especially when you're only just navigating doing this on your own.

My SC mother has a tendency to be reasonable briefly, then it all unravels for various reasons. You give an inch and then she demands 3 miles.

Hellomynameisnt · 16/10/2023 07:02

One if my discoveries in recent years is that some coffee shops open on Xmas day.

How would you feel about meeting them somewhere for a coffee, or for a walk? That way, you can set clear boundaries about time, "we need to leave at x time at the latest'.

But, otherwise, it is absolutely fine to stick to the original plan. I also think you need to prioritise your own wellbeing.

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