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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Christmas dilemma 201 ! - DSC and BM

66 replies

Imjusttootired · 16/10/2023 06:06

So you may have seen my previous thread about the Nintendo switch which then after I messaged them about it was told that they actually couldn’t have DSC for Christmas.
so bit of a recap - DSC lives with me and has done most of his life. This Christmas is our first Christmas without DP.
they have supervised contact with bio mum once a month.
it turns out that it isn’t exactly her fault that they can’t have them on the day but due to the usual supervisors plans means it’s not possible.
DSC is older enough to understand Christmas ( primary school aged ) and not the only child in the house.
navigating first Christmas for them all without DP including myself is hard.
bio mum is now asking if it would be ok if her and her husband ( married 4 years ) could come over to ours for the day so they could spend Xmas with DSC.
I am totally conflicted about this- keep in mind it’s been a patchy relationship.
the kids are and I are going through so much and I was going to travel to families house so I wasn’t alone on Xmas day.
I’m concerned about my eldest might not feel comfortable and they would like to be around family too on the other hand putting their wants first would be maybe withholding DSC from their mum at Xmas.
I have been really trying to navigate and everything and make it “ fair “ but keeping the kids in mind to.
I don’t want to ask DSC until I know for sure it will go ahead because they are beyond confused right now as it is.
I have alternatively offered another day the week of Xmas if supervisor was available.

OP posts:

lunar1 · 16/10/2023 08:20

Even if it was a great idea (it isn't), what are the chances of it running smoothly, then arriving on time? Leaving in time? Are they planning to hand over a switch and take it away at the end of the visit?

You and your family, DSC included need stability more than anything over the holidays.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 16/10/2023 08:34

Imjusttootired · 16/10/2023 07:57

I think I find the whole thing conflicting- it’s always been difficult but I was not the person dealing with it as the sole person.
sometimes me being a mum effects my emotions because i think about my own if that makes sense and not being able to see them where as DP was emotionally strong about the whole thing.

I completely understand this but do stand firm. You're using your reasonable thinking to put yourself in the shoes of someone who isn't. Honestly, you'll be opening yourself up to endless arguments when you get pushed for more and more. They need to resolve their issue with the third party. Do you even know what's happened between them to cause this level of fall out?

We have a rule (she isn't aware of) with sc mum that we need a full year of no drama before we'll consider changing arrangements. We've never made it that far. We've made the mistake of being lenient too many times and thus far it hasn't led anywhere good.

100% keep your house off limits.

Remember, access is about the child and the child's right to have a relationship with the parent, it's not about the parent's right to have access to the child.

Daffodil18 · 16/10/2023 08:37

No it will be expected more often. Your DH wouldn’t allow it so why should you. If there is a legal document in place for this then just state this as the reason. Also say you are going to family that day so it’s not possible. You are doing more than enough for DSC so do not feel bad. You are DSC primary family.

Sundaefraise · 16/10/2023 08:38

CousinGoldfinch · 16/10/2023 06:44

I think dsc might well feel unsafe if they are allowed in your home. It is their safe place, whatever the reasons for supervised contact.

I completely agree with this. You and dc need a stress free and predictable Christmas. The needs of you and your other child are also important. You are the main cater in dscs life and his safe person not BM, protect your boundaries.

HarperMae · 16/10/2023 08:40

No, tell them your house is not where they meet. They have supervised contact elsewhere and that's it. Her and your DP were no contact likely for good reason.

2jacqi · 16/10/2023 08:50

definitely would not have her and her partner coming round for the day!! did she ever request the same when your late dp was alive? I dont think so. he probably would have given her short shrift! remember there is a reason for her not having her own child in the first place!

countbackfromten · 16/10/2023 08:57

Definitely stick to your original plans and I hope that the day isn’t too hard for you all - you sound like a truly wonderful person who has been through so much.

Haveyouanyjam · 16/10/2023 09:39

Absolutely not. I have a DSC who lives with us and has done for over two years now, I share PR with my husband and bio mum only has supervised contact also. We have a younger child and I am expecting. We previously made attempts to welcome bio mum to our home and it was a disaster. In theory seemed like it would be nice but your child’s home is their safe space away from any chaos or difficulty associated with the relationship with their bio mum. Our DSC initially thought it would be nice for his mum to come and see his room here etc. but as time as gone on and he’s realised all the things he went through living with her, he realised that it likely wouldn’t be the fantasy nice time he thought it would. There is a reason her contact is supervised and it would be opening a can of worms. Absolutely do what you can to facilitate contact with her over the Christmas period, either in a public space with you overseeing, or another day where the usual supervisor is available. Your home is your sanctuary (even if it doesn’t feel like it with kids…) I wouldn’t set a precedent by letting her in.

Hecatoncheires · 16/10/2023 09:49

@Imjusttootired Just joining the ranks to say YANBU to want to have a nice Christmas with your family. Please do continue with your plans. This IS putting the children first. And it's absolutely fine for you to want the support of your family yourself this first Christmas without your DP. Sounds a bit like you are tying yourself in knots to keep everyone happy at the expense of yourself. I don't mean that critically, I can only imagine how difficult things must be. You are doing exceptionally well, please be kind to yourself.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 16/10/2023 10:00

There’s a reason why your DP (sorry for your loss) was NC. Remember that and uphold the same vigilance. She might start turning up at other random times or at least wanting to if you give in.

You need the support of your family and that’s what you’re doing. You also have your other DC to consider. Offer a hot chocolate on the 23rd.

Newestname002 · 16/10/2023 10:40

Imjusttootired · 16/10/2023 07:03

I do really want to be with my family that day and it’s not close enough to do both. I think I will stick to my guns.

Thank goodness - I think this is the right decision OP, for this reason (being with your family at a time which will be difficult for your little family) plus everything other posters have said (blurring the lines, setting a precedent, keeping your home as a separate, safe harbour, etc). Best to get the decision made not just for this Christmas but for the future as well. 🌹

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/10/2023 11:07

MayThe4th · 16/10/2023 06:34

I don’t know how supervised contact works, but if you start agreeing to contact outside of the supervised setting, could this open up potential for her to start seeking more, and unsupervised contact in the future?

For her to only have one day’s supervised contact once a month suggests that there are some fairly serious issues at play here. I would in fact seek some legal advice on this to make sure you’re not opening yourself (and DSC) to more trouble in the future.

This

I don't know the back history but obv unusual steps chikdren live with you as a mum about

Saying that

One a month isn't a lot and supervised means she must be a danger /threat

So def not meet along in your house. That's the chikdren safe space

But in public a restaurant or something then that

Only if kids want to

MimiGC · 16/10/2023 11:16

It's extraordinarily insensitive of her to even ask, given that you and your children will be grieving the loss of your partner on this first Christmas without him. The fact that she seemingly has no insight into this makes it a good enough reason to say no, even without all the other considerations.

Georgeandzippyzoo · 16/10/2023 11:34

I'd be very careful on how your dsc would feel. Your home is their safe place and although they may be totally fine at having bm and husband there, it could be that bringing 'that side of their life' jnto their safe place could unsettle them massively.
As others have also said supervised contact is normally for reason and bringing that situation into your home may not go smoothly, and that could lead to very negative Christmas times in the future
We do Fostering and Christmas day with bf is a massive no for ours (sw insistence and not to do with supervisors availability).

Personally I'd want to build up to this if you're thinking it's possible in the future.
Would uou be happy meeting at a cafe a few times? Supervised/unsupervised ? Then progress to a meeting at your home IF your children are happy for this!
I think
first Christmas without DP (just reread this!)
First meeting at your home,
Unsupervised
Christmas day

is way too much to do in one step!

Infact I think first without DP is actually the reason this should NOT happen. You have no idea how any of you are going to cope on the day x.

Take care of you and yours first x x

Itsaloadofbollocks · 16/10/2023 11:47

I agree with everyone else, do not let her have contact in your home.

Also is she expecting you to cater for her and her husband for christmas dinner? 😲if so she a cheeky fucker.

Ponderingwindow · 16/10/2023 12:00

Don’t agree to this. Supervised contact doesn’t happen lightly.
Your dsc deserve to have a safe, calm Christmas. Make arrangements for them to visit on another day, even one you have to supervise, but not Christmas Day and not in the home they are typically safe from drama.

Yes, they love their mother. That is how the child-parent relationship works, no matter what the parent does, the child still loves them and craves the occasions of positive attention.

Remember that you are doing the hard work part of parenting, making the hard choices that are in the best interest for children. They will love you for it in the long run, even if they don’t appreciate it in the short-term.

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