Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Christmas dilemma 201 ! - DSC and BM

66 replies

Imjusttootired · 16/10/2023 06:06

So you may have seen my previous thread about the Nintendo switch which then after I messaged them about it was told that they actually couldn’t have DSC for Christmas.
so bit of a recap - DSC lives with me and has done most of his life. This Christmas is our first Christmas without DP.
they have supervised contact with bio mum once a month.
it turns out that it isn’t exactly her fault that they can’t have them on the day but due to the usual supervisors plans means it’s not possible.
DSC is older enough to understand Christmas ( primary school aged ) and not the only child in the house.
navigating first Christmas for them all without DP including myself is hard.
bio mum is now asking if it would be ok if her and her husband ( married 4 years ) could come over to ours for the day so they could spend Xmas with DSC.
I am totally conflicted about this- keep in mind it’s been a patchy relationship.
the kids are and I are going through so much and I was going to travel to families house so I wasn’t alone on Xmas day.
I’m concerned about my eldest might not feel comfortable and they would like to be around family too on the other hand putting their wants first would be maybe withholding DSC from their mum at Xmas.
I have been really trying to navigate and everything and make it “ fair “ but keeping the kids in mind to.
I don’t want to ask DSC until I know for sure it will go ahead because they are beyond confused right now as it is.
I have alternatively offered another day the week of Xmas if supervisor was available.

OP posts:
Original poster
Imjusttootired · 16/10/2023 07:03

I do really want to be with my family that day and it’s not close enough to do both. I think I will stick to my guns.

OP posts:
GRex · 16/10/2023 07:09

I'm glad that's your decision, I don't think you should have her in your house, it blurs all the boundaries. Try to arrange for her to have an earlier Christmas day. I wouldn't confuse matters about seeing your family, just say you don't feel comfortable supervising her with her child and would prefer to manage contract with the proper supervision only.

Nicole1111 · 16/10/2023 07:09

I would definitely not recommend your first facilitating of supervision happening on Christmas Day. As nice as it might be for dsc and his bio mother it’s setting a precedent for special occasions in the future and an expectation that you will supervise more contact in the future. Explain that in the wake of your loss you’re expecting Christmas to potentially be emotional and as such you need to ensure all of the children aren’t subjected to lots of change on Christmas Day and need the support of your family so have already made plans with them.

Climbingthehillfast · 16/10/2023 07:13

I assume your Home is a safe space for your dsc so having the bio mum there could be an issue for them. Plus it changes the dynamics of the day and you e got to contend with your gf not being there. Stick to your guns.

Mumof2teens79 · 16/10/2023 07:15

No, don't have them round for the first time ever on Xmas day this year.
It's too much pressure on everyone
Offer supervised visit any other day and say after Xmas you will find a day to meet with them in a public place (short trip out), with a view to them being able to visit in future.

Sirzy · 16/10/2023 07:19

I think you need a clear boundary this year that the house door is staying locked so you as an immediate family can do what you need to get through the first Christmas. (Edit just seen you want to spend your day with your family which makes perfect sense but still make sure boundaries with others are clear)

the situation with the birth mother is obviously complex but I don’t think it would be fair on any of you to add her to the mix on Christmas Day. A few days before or after fair enough not the day itself

Bobtheamazinggingerdog · 16/10/2023 07:26

Christmas is not the time to introduce new contact dynamics. It's way too emotive. Say no and she can have her Christmas time with them on another day as most non resident parents do.

bakedbrain · 16/10/2023 07:27

This sounds like it may be a yearly problem, as I don't think most supervisors would be available to work on Christmas Day? Saying no year after year is a bit sad for DC but I wouldn't make a concession now in case it's expected in future years. Is there any long term middle ground solution re: duration/location

gotomomo · 16/10/2023 07:30

Could you meet in a neutral place for an hour eg park, pub (not sure where else is open)

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 16/10/2023 07:30

@bakedbrain its a family member that does it, they were meant to at their house Xmas day however it fell through !
I am guessing without being told that they have had some falling out as this months visit has been cancelled to.

OP posts:
gotomomo · 16/10/2023 07:31

Is Christmas Eve a possibility? Meet in a coffee shop maybe for hot chocolate

Covidiokilledtheradiostar · 16/10/2023 07:32

@Imjusttootired sorry now awake and having read yeh thread I change my opinion and agree don’t have them in your house. Offer a day in week leading up but also be on your guard it sounds like she might be taking advantage of the situation now your Dh is gone (sorry for your loss) and trying to push and blue boundaries. Obviously I don’t know yeh reasons for limited supervised contact but assume it must be quite serious so please protect yourself and your DSC don’t let her wiggle around you and take advantage of your grief. Make sure you have advice from the proper professionals on how to handle her

you sound amazing

5128gap · 16/10/2023 07:34

I would refuse OP simply explaining you have other plans already.
You have quite enough to manage emotionally without adding this into the mix and the plans you've made sound like a sensible way to navigate the day in a calm and consistent way for you and all the DC. That must be your priority. There will be other opportunities for BM and other Christmases.

MzHz · 16/10/2023 07:35

@Imjusttootired your dp and her were NC

shes not allowed unsupervised contact with her own kid

this is your home, your place of safety

youre still grieving (as is DSC) and this woman who isn’t suitable/safe for your DSC is again making it all about herself

this isn’t about the. Child, nothing ever is. it’s about her

shes had chance after chance to be a better person and she’s failed.

all the BS with 2 sets of everything proves it. She’s highly combative and she’s trying to get into your home.

no. Say no, mean now and keep it no

“we’re going away for Christmas, we’ll stick to the dates/arrangements agreed”

TimetoPour · 16/10/2023 07:38

It would be a no from me. There is a reason that the visits are supervised in another setting. Do not allow them to make you feel guilty. I’m sure if you spoke to the contact centre they would also advise against it.

Original poster
Imjusttootired · 16/10/2023 07:57

I think I find the whole thing conflicting- it’s always been difficult but I was not the person dealing with it as the sole person.
sometimes me being a mum effects my emotions because i think about my own if that makes sense and not being able to see them where as DP was emotionally strong about the whole thing.

OP posts:
LadyBird1973 · 16/10/2023 07:59

I would say no. This is your first Christmas without dh and it will be emotionally loaded. I think you could do without having dsc problematic birth mother in the house. In every meaningful sense you are his mum - it's not doing anything that will negatively affect him, to just keep Christmas as normal as possible. And you do also have to consider your other child and their comfort.

Plus, as has been said, it sets a precedent and it is better to have clear demarcation of your home and hers, since she is not a suitable person to even have unsupervised contact. It's too much and you should feel no guilt in saying no. She's overstepping to ask this if you tbh.

OhmygodDont · 16/10/2023 08:00

I’d just say no. You have other plans that’s the child is already looking forward to and that you don’t wish to blur the lines of normal contact. But offer like you have any other day the supervisor is available.

Ohdearwhatnow4 · 16/10/2023 08:02

Is their a social worker involved? Can they not organise something? Stay strong and don't back down, if needs must ask for all correspondence to be done through email or a third party.

Doingmybest12 · 16/10/2023 08:04

I think if you believe you can't offer an inch without a mile being demanded then don't go down that path. I would begin as you wish to go on with this. I feel for you having to manage this.

Hankunamatata · 16/10/2023 08:05

I'd stick with your plans, going to relatives. You and dc need support at this time and BM should understand this.

I would not let them in the house. Keep strong boundaries.

familyissues12345 · 16/10/2023 08:06

I think you have to put yourself and the children's needs first, offer Christmas Eve etc.

Quitelikeacatslife · 16/10/2023 08:15

Offer to do a walk and cafe on Christmas Eve, Santa came early if you like then it's done and you can relax more

Doingmybest12 · 16/10/2023 08:17

I think the more you say it is clear the priority is you and the children as a family together. Stay strong .

MuggleMe · 16/10/2023 08:19

Christmas day is such a big deal I actually think it would be counter productive to do something so charged on the day.

I'd offer something similar on 23rd. Don't ruin your and your child's own Christmas for BM.

Swipe left for the next trending thread