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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU or does anyone else get spooked by men when out and about

74 replies

TeeedleDum · 15/10/2023 22:47

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable being alone with men they don't know? For example it makes me nervous when a man is walking close behind me when no one else is around or if I'm out dog walking and see a man coming my way. Or worse is the other day I saw a man see me and then walk into the bushes (like not on a path, just into the forest).

What got me thinking about this is that I had a plumber round last week and he was completely friendly and normal but I still felt quite uneasy being home alone with him and my baby.

Like it doesn't massively effect my life. The only thing it's changed is I've stopped walking in the woods behind my house since a woman was sexually assaulted there (suspect never found).

And sorry for being sexist but it is just men as I know that the majority will be stronger and faster than me.

I just wanted to see if anyone else ever feels like this or if I'm being crazy paranoid 👀

OP posts:

MatthewsMumFromTikTok · 15/10/2023 23:03

No I don't

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 15/10/2023 23:05

I keep a healthy awareness of my surroundings, but spooked generally, all the time? No, absolutely not.

WhateverMate · 15/10/2023 23:06

No I don't.

I can get a bit skittish if I'm out and about in a quiet area and anyone is walking a bit too close behind, but I think that's natural and for me it includes men, women, teenagers and dogs.

NineteenOhEight · 15/10/2023 23:08

LostAtTheCrossRoad · 15/10/2023 23:05

I keep a healthy awareness of my surroundings, but spooked generally, all the time? No, absolutely not.

This.

Autumnalpiefortea · 15/10/2023 23:09

Yes, I do too, op.

I’ve also had a strange thing happening recently where I’ve become a bit scared of men in groups, probably nice, normal guys (Middle aged, golfing holiday type thing-I live in a tourist area)
Never felt like this before…wondering if it’s my age-peri-mid 40’s 🤷🏻‍♀️Also finding I don’t like men as much any more..I don’t mean not attracted to them, just men, as people

Bryonny84 · 15/10/2023 23:10

I think that's weird you worried about a tradesman coming to your house. He probably has a wife and baby at home himself. There are women tradespeople if you're that concerned about men. If you're out alone at night then fair enough to be aware of people but in general just don't put yourself at unnecessary risk and you'll be fine.

fedupandstuck · 15/10/2023 23:10

Not spooked, but aware of my surroundings. I would have noticed the man stepping into a bush off the path and noted it as unusual. I'd also be wary of the woods near you if there had been a sexual assault and no one caught. Being on my own with a male tradesperson would not normally be an issue, unless they behaved inappropriately.

It's not sexist to realise that men are in general stronger than women and that nearly all violence and sexual assaults are committed by men.

OhNoForever · 15/10/2023 23:15

Yup. And also being alone in the house with a strange man. More since a delivery driver sent me weird messages after he dropped a parcel. I think it's normal response particularly if you are a survivor of male violence.

Elvis1956 · 15/10/2023 23:15

I'm a man and no you are not being unreasonable. Some men just send me up on edge when they are near women...I was trained and I use that word deliberately, by my father to always be aware of my surroundings, and the people in it. To trust, what Lee Childs calls the lizard brain, that bit of the mind that kept us safe from saber tooth tigers etc. It seems to click in for wrong men and I have been able to warn female friends about guys....one ignored me and had to jump from a moving car

Summerhillsquare · 15/10/2023 23:18

Of course. YANBU. It's sensible to be wary of them.

PushingPeopleAway · 15/10/2023 23:19

I’m these same op. I used to happily go walking in the woods, down lanes and go out and about. The last time I was walking down the lane I saw a white van turn on from a side road ahead. My immediate thought was ‘what if someone in there stops and grabs me?’. I’m aware it’s ridiculous to think like that but there was a real momentary fear.
I no longer walk in the woods alone.

I wonder the same @Autumnalpiefortea maybe it is an age thing? I’ve definitely lost the confidence of youth!

Mooshamoo · 15/10/2023 23:20

I also feel uncomfortable with a tradesman around my house.

It was because he was so much bigger than me.

As the smaller person , I think that we often feel uncomfortable /scared around people much much bigger than us. Especially if we are in our house alone with them

vigdis · 15/10/2023 23:20

One can get carried away with fear and go OTT. And men veering off into the woods when you approach, well - could be perfectly normal - he intended to go in and just did so as you approached.
But he could just as easily be waiting to jump out on you from behind is probably what you're thinking? And how do you know which of those two 'options' he'll take.
It's easy to pooh-pooh people's fears because the majority of men are not intent on violence against women.
The problem is HOW DO YOU KNOW WHICH ONES ARE AND WHICH ONES AREN'T!

ReadySalty · 15/10/2023 23:21

Yes, I'm very aware of men when I'm out alone somewhere quiet.

saffronsoup · 15/10/2023 23:24

No. Once in a blue moon I have a weird feeling but 99% of the time I don’t think twice about someone being a man.

My alertness would increase in an isolated setting (walking down a forest path or walking home in the dark) but that is more about myself in my surroundings…

WheekWheekWheek · 15/10/2023 23:24

As a teenager and young woman not so much because most of my abuse was experienced from those I knew, in my own home. But I did feel anxious and unsafe if a man tried to chat me up randomly. Now I jump out of my skin when strangers approach me generally. I used to numb the trauma but I'm aware of now since having therapy. But I am coping better generally in the day to day stuff. I'm in my 40s now and my life is mostly good. I don't do relationships though but I'm shy anyway and I'm quite happy being single. I have a few close friends, I have my pets and my hobbies.

Starseeking · 15/10/2023 23:24

Not just you OP, I really don't like walking down the road with a lone man behind me.

I would either cross the road, or allow the lone man to pass me before I start walking again.

Since becoming a single mum I am far more wary of men; I was planning some works to my house, and the architect suggested coming over at 8.30pm to go through the plans

I've also had two burly delivery men shouting at me in my house when I said I'd report them for shoddy work. When I subsequently complained to John Lewis (who they worked for), they basically said it was their word against mine. Really wished I'd installed the indoor cameras at that point.

I've recently been doing internet dating, though now stopped it as so many men are just after sex, which is obvious from their messages. So many men have suggested first dates at their house, it's really off-putting.

Mooshamoo · 15/10/2023 23:26

I don't think it is safe to have tradesmen round to a house really. When the woman is alone in the house. We have no option to have a trades woman. Most trades men are fine but some are definitely not.

My mum, 75 ,actually just told me that she had a tradesman around her house and he made her feel very uncomfortable.

She said that the tradesman came up to her chair, stood right tn front of her, and started undoing his belt.

She is 75 and weak. She said that he smirked and then stopped and out his belt back on.

He is unlikely to actually sexually assault her as he would be criminally charged for that.

But he can be creepy and make her feel uncomfortable. And get away with it.

Do you know what I mean . He enjoyed his power by making her feel uncomfortable and scared that he would do something to her. Creep

UnRavellingFast · 15/10/2023 23:29

Anyone who says just take reasonable care and you’ll be fine is living in cloud cuckoo land.

Dramatic · 15/10/2023 23:31

Yes I feel exactly as you do op. I don't know if it's because I'm a smaller and weaker than average woman so would have absolutely no chance of even attempting to fight back should someone try and attack me but I feel very on edge if I'm alone with a man.

SureWhyNotThen · 15/10/2023 23:31

I can understand why you would feel that way in isolated areas especially. I'm not a massive guy but I'll cross over or keep distance if I'm coming towards a woman who I get the feeling isn't comfortable. No intention of doing anything but just at times get the feeling may be worried so just make it easier.

coxesorangepippin · 15/10/2023 23:32

Totally agree with the op

Women are vulnerable and are right to be wary

Mooshamoo · 15/10/2023 23:32

I don't think I would have a tradesman around the house , if i was alone in the house.

Dramatic · 15/10/2023 23:36

Autumnalpiefortea · 15/10/2023 23:09

Yes, I do too, op.

I do think it's an age thing, maybe a bit more life experience (bad life experience) or hearing what can and does happen to women playing on our minds as we get older. Plus as a teen/young adult you tend to live in the moment a bit more and have a bit of a feeling of invincibility, that's definitely dwindled away over the years for me.

Rightsraptor · 16/10/2023 04:59

Don't apologise for being 'sexist', OP. Around 98% of convicted sex offenders are male, about 85% of their victims are female and the vast majority of those convicted of other types of serious crimes are male, too.

Men often seem to enjoy scaring women or making us feel uncomfortable, like a pp's tradesman did by unbuckling his belt right in front of her like that.

Listen to your gut. Trust it.

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