AIBU or does anyone else get spooked by men when out and about

[TeeedleDum]

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable being alone with men they don't know? For example it makes me nervous when a man is walking close behind me when no one else is around or if I'm out dog walking and see a man coming my way. Or worse is the other day I saw a man see me and then walk into the bushes (like not on a path, just into the forest).

What got me thinking about this is that I had a plumber round last week and he was completely friendly and normal but I still felt quite uneasy being home alone with him and my baby.

Like it doesn't massively effect my life. The only thing it's changed is I've stopped walking in the woods behind my house since a woman was sexually assaulted there (suspect never found).

And sorry for being sexist but it is just men as I know that the majority will be stronger and faster than me.

I just wanted to see if anyone else ever feels like this or if I'm being crazy paranoid 👀

Seriously? Is every man in the UK a threat, because it seems like that on MN. I don't think I've ever felt spooked by a man in my whole life, certainly not by one walking along the street, or a tradesman in my home. I don't live in the UK, but I really don't beleive that every woman who does live there is under constant threat.

How are women who live alone supposed to manage if they are exercising that level of caution?

I wouldn't go walking alone in woods where there was possibly an unapprehended rapist around but I wouldn't stop having tradesmen in the house.

I’m a short woman, I’m not that attracted to tall men as aI don’t like being loomed over. But many short women will only date 6ft and above!

No. As pps no. Aware of surroundings but not spooked at all. I walk at night etc.
Re tradesmen at home... No. I know who they are, they are usually recommended anyway and never felt scared by any. They are just there to do their job. Didn't even ctoss my mind until MN to be scared.

People will take this personally, I am sure, but there is such an odd dynamic in UK. I had to learn new behaviours when I moved to UK like not leaving drinks on a table when going to dance, taking more taxis because everyone freaks when I say "I will walk" and so on. Tbf I came from country with less rape per capita (and similar % of assumed unreported) than UK but still. Didn't expect this.

Yeah same here. It comes from a lifetime of being conditioned to believe that if I'm attacked or made to feel uncomfortable by a man, it'll be seen as my fault for going out walking my dog alone, or whatever. every media outlet full of stories about men being a danger to women, and thousands of tv shows about men attacking women as a form of entertainment.

It tends to get stuck in your head.

I won't walk past groups of men sitting in the park while walking my dog, I'll find a different route. Too many instances of men giving me abuse while I'm out minding my own business.

I am if a bloke is behind me. I often will stop and "let them pass". The wood thing would also make me nervous.

People will take this personally, I am sure, but there is such an odd dynamic in UK. I had to learn new behaviours when I moved to UK like not leaving drinks on a table when going to dance, taking more taxis because everyone freaks when I say "I will walk" and so on.

You make it sound like women are just being uptight for not leaving drinks unattended. You ever been spiked? I have been. I still don't know how they managed to slip it into my drink, I was drinking lemonade all night because i was driving yet felt very very drunk and vulnerable. completely out of control. Luckily for me i managed to get home before the spiker, whoever he was, managed to finish what he started. Fear of being spiked is a completely rational fear and keeping your drink with you is a completely rational thing to do. Men are the problem, not women trying to keep themselves safe.

I think it is quite common and that it is a survival technique.

We need to talk to men about this, my carer, who happens to be male, if he finds himself walking behind a woman either overtakes or crosses the road so she knows he isn't following her.

That is not what I am saying. If that was I would say that women are being odd.
I am well aware men are the problem here

That is what you said. You said there's an odd dynamic here and then went on to describe behaviours women have to do to keep themselves safe.

Yes. Men have street harassed me since I was 11. I don't trust any of them to behave. Stag groups horrify me. And yes, I know not all men are creeps and predators but it is always a man and no way to tell which one.
Also-male tradespeople sometimes violate the homes of women they know to be alone.

There is odd dynamic in UK. It was odd for me to have to learn new behaviours suddenly especially after moving to developed western European country, where I simply didn't expect bad behaviour to the level women can't do normal shit.
In no way am I insinuating women are just being uptight. I mean like I even mentioned that UK has higher rape stats hence the precautions are understandable.

Well I agree that there is an odd dynamic. I have never for one minute thought about being worried about being alone in the house with a tradesman, and yet it seems to be quite common in the UK, if MN is to be believed. There was a thread on here recently where women felt threatened if a man they didn't know said hello as they passed in the street, or if he was working on his property as they passed. Once again, something I can't relate to.

No, but I do hate the ugly beer bellied loud shouting mens football fans in pubs with a passion and would avoid at all cost.

Generally no, but some of the things you describe would cause anyone concern. A man choosing to walk close behind you in an otherwise deserted area is at best an idiot, and very likely a weirdo. A man lurking into a thicket of bushes in an area where a woman has recently been assaulted is clearly going to ring alarm bells.

Depends on how quiet it is but yes I have felt uncomfortable. I have been involved with women who are survivors of DV, victims of violent crime including people who were SA as children. I know too much about the underbelly of society and just how utterly dreadful it is.

Not generally, but I get very disturbed by men shouting- whether it be drunks or playing football in the park.

No I figure they have enough going on in their life without conspiring about me, seems attention seeking really

It would never enter my head to harass or assault a woman.

What I will do though if I am behind a girl or woman, is cross over so I'm not behind them anymore, stop and give them a chance to have a much greater distance or try and find another route to take.

Anything I can do to reduce any (potential)stress for them, even if they might not feel it, is easy.

Years ago in my very first flat I had a flood from the flat upstairs and got a few tradesmen in to quote for the remedial work. 5 lots came to quote. I felt very uncomfortable and a bit threatened with the first 4 and made the point of talking about my (imaginary) other half who was leaving the decisions to me. No way did I want any of them in my home. Number 5 was a totally normal friendly bloke. His was, incidentally, the cheapest quote, but by that stage I really didn't care - he could have been the most expensive, but he was the only one that felt safe in my space. Brilliant decision - he did an excellent job as he took such pride in his work and gave me some decorating tips I've used ever since.

Some times but not all men and not all situations

At dusk or when it's dark
If they are doing things out if the ordinary - slowing down, stopping, repeatedly changing direction that sort of thing
If I feel anxious for any reason, I feel more anxious when out as my threat levels are hyperalert

I work in a city with a significant drug problem so if a man looks to be in drugs I'm more cautious. I take a different route to the train station in summer and winter to avoid a particular street which doesn't have much footfall, has poor lighting so often has people under the influence.

I can't remember the last time I felt uncomfortable though so it can't happen too often.

I have a big dog and when I walk in the forest I defo do. In the day on the street I'm fine or mostly at night if I am with my dog

Absolutely, I'm a single parent with no DIY skills, I'd be screwed if I was never alone with tradespeople!! That's not to say I don't exercise some caution though, I usually use people who've been personally recommended by someone I know, and have several really lovely, trusted people I use again and again.

That being said I absolutely HATE coldcallers and my paranoia is set to max, as I'd feel too vulnerable letting anyone into my house uninvited, but that goes for anyone, male or female.

I voted YANBU as I do understand where OP is coming from but for me it's very context dependent - walking home in the dark I might be spooked but not in other day-to-day situations.

Yes! Well, not specifically spooked but I’m always aware of men around me and do feel uncomfortable even with deliveroo drivers coming to my flat door if I’m alone. I don’t like having men in my flat if I’m alone either (I.e plumbers etc). It’s not because I think all men will attack me but that I realise on the rare chance that one of these men was dangerous then me being home alone is an opportunity. My family have told me I’m ‘paranoid’ but it’s not something that rules my life or causes me anxiety but I’m just maybe hyper aware and know that in most cases of stranger violence against women it happens when a dangerous man has an opportunity. I think it’s better to be aware than naive!

Me too