AIBU or does anyone else get spooked by men when out and about

[TeeedleDum]

Does anyone else feel uncomfortable being alone with men they don't know? For example it makes me nervous when a man is walking close behind me when no one else is around or if I'm out dog walking and see a man coming my way. Or worse is the other day I saw a man see me and then walk into the bushes (like not on a path, just into the forest).

What got me thinking about this is that I had a plumber round last week and he was completely friendly and normal but I still felt quite uneasy being home alone with him and my baby.

Like it doesn't massively effect my life. The only thing it's changed is I've stopped walking in the woods behind my house since a woman was sexually assaulted there (suspect never found).

And sorry for being sexist but it is just men as I know that the majority will be stronger and faster than me.

I just wanted to see if anyone else ever feels like this or if I'm being crazy paranoid 👀

No not really, not unless they do something suspicious like the man who saw you and then walked off the path.
Don’t have a problem with the Gas man coming into the home when I’m alone.

I'm bigger than most women and quite a lot of men, too.

My first #metoo moment I was 12 at a bus stop. Most recent was just before lockdown, aged 57.

That shit don't stop.

I avoid many areas at night.

I would not have a delivery / tradesman in without my partner being there.

I wear a hands free cross body bag, don't walk looking at my phone or wearing earpods, wear shoes I can run in, walk in a way that I hope says confident I can defend myself (tho I can't).

I haven't been on a train late at night alone in a long time. Tho my two #metoo on a train moments were both on the morning commute.

I've never done the keys between the knuckles thing or carried anything that could be seen as a weapon.

And it's been years since a girls' night out so the drink spiking thing is unlikely. More likely to be a ladies coffee morning now, but that isn't to do with being wary.

Strange how I can look back on a life studded with incidents and ways to minimise the risk of incidents. I think we all can.

Yes I do. Ever since a man randomly spat in my face when I was in my early twenties. I don't think anyone should take their personal safety for granted, which is a shame but the sad reality of being a woman.

Well, the good news is that you are very unlikely to be hurt by a man you DO NOT know.
So, as long as you don’t live with, sleep with or spend alone time with men you DO KNOW, you’ll be safe.
It’s the men women know, that are the most dangerous to women. Male partners, siblings, sons, male friends and co-workers. Those are the one’s to watch out.

Certain men I'm weary about but not all and I think tv has a lot to do with it I. E women telling other women that all men are a threat and want to hurt you.
I feel sorry for young girls/women being brainwashed by these people.

@IaskUanswer the man who spat in my face was a complete stranger I happened to be walking past. While you are right that some men abuse the women they live with, others do assault people at random. Most cars don't crash but I still put my seatbelt on every time I'm in one.

Most women alter their behaviour to some extent because certain times/places/behaviours etc feel unsafe /too risky. Often these are sub conscious

Like I was taught if a workman came to the house the first thing I was to do was offer them a cup of tea. Even if they say no you still make yourself one. It was only in my mid twenties my mum explained that the reason I'd been taught to do this was because then as you stand around you're holding a scalding hot fresh mug of tea ready to 'spill' on him if he starts anything.

If I go upstairs on a bus I tend to sit very close to the top of the stairs because I'm worried about someone blocking my path to the stairs and not letting me off. I also don't like to stand up too early in case someone follows me off the bus.

The first time I felt in danger in public I was 10 the risk analysis started running quite subconsciously, and never entirely stops although I'm rarely consciously aware of it.

Yeats ago, my dad asked a woman for directions - this was in the days before mobile phones - and she started screaming.
He was horrified and absolutely mortified that he'd made her feel that way, and it really stayed with him over the years. Since then he has always been careful not to approach women and to keep a respectful distance, especially at night when walking the dog or whatever.

No. And statistically speaking you are far more likely to be killed by a partner than a random man or tradesman. Loving all those that wouldn't be alone in the house with one though! Your husband is more likely to murder you....

No, not at all.

And I was once molested by a stranger, so you’d think I’d be more paranoid!

@MartyFunkhouser I think there are evolved instincts involved I really do, which makes perfect sense that not every woman would respond in the same way.

That’s not normal. How can you function being worried about half the human race.

This! And is OP scared to travel in a car as statistically that’s how you’ll get injured or killed.

YANBU to worry because we've been conditioned to worry. However I try to remember that since most men are not going to attack me on any given occasion, having a man walking near me is actually a good thing because if there is an attacker looking for a victim they're more likely to be put off if there's somebody else near me.

Not in general. Like the gas bloke came around the other day to service the boiler and it didn't occur to me at all to be wary of him. When I walk the dogs everyone exchanges a smile and a 'morning' or whatever whether they are male or female. The odd time I would get an 'off' kind of vibe from a man and keep my distance but it isn't something that is a common occurrence for me. I do live somewhere where I feel really safe though and realistically the chances of anything happening to me here by a stranger are very, very low so maybe that helps. If I lived somewhere with a higher crime rate or something I might be more wary.

@IaskUanswer

Tell that to the families of countless women abducted, raped and murdered by complete strangers. Perhaps they would like to hear the "good news".

No I don't. But I have only ever had positive interactions with men - family, friends, colleagues, strangers - so can see how negative experiences might make someone more guarded.

I had something similar when i was on a dog walk once, man walking towards me started fiddling with his belt/flies. It bothered me enough that i stopped when i realised i was near someone's garden path, with intention of sprinting down it if he came any closer. He just strode past, hand down the front of his trousers, smirking. Bastard.

I've had dogs for years, i'm out and about every day with them and not given men per se much thought, but i'm warier now. We've also had a couple of rapes in the area - no one caught - which i know has made many of the fellow dog walking women very anxious.

Wouldn't it be nice if men could just leave us alone to get on with our lives without fear of assault or abuse? The threads i see on here sometimes from women who no longer run, for example, on their own because of male behaviour - not the fear of it, but what they've actually experienced - make me want to cry tbh

I wouldn't say spooked, but I have noticed that I am a bit more vigilant around men. eg if I'm walking or running somewhere that is not really busy and a woman overtakes or passes in the opposite direction I have a momentary 'that's ok then' feeling as soon as I realise it is a woman, and can relax, whereas if it's a man, I will stay alert till he is out of sight or far enough away and thoughts about, could I outrun him, what would I do if he started something?

"How can you function being worried about half the human race."

Insofar as this is aimed at me, I function pretty normally I would say. I do a lot less differently than some women, more maybe than others.

1. I've been told many times I shouldn't walk the streets late at night but I do it anyway. BUT if a man turned the corner and was walking in the street late at night with me I would be aware and conscious of their behaviour (monitoring for any sign of threat or that they were behaving suspiciously). I also would be hyper aware to not look or act frightened in any way.

2. But I'd be really picky about where I would and wouldn't get changed.

3. I don't like crowds because I can't tell who is where or how they're behaving

4. I don't like being alone in public spaces with only one way in or out.

But you cope with the fact that you aren't always comfortable and relaxed, live your life and are then happy to get home.

It’s fine till it’s not fine. Not just UK. Of course not every man in the uk is a threat. Or indeed the world. But there is a percentage who are and you don’t know who they are till they do something. Not all men are rapists but 99.99 % of rapists are men.

98% of sexual assaults are committed by men and 92% of physical assaults are committed by men. What you are experiencing is your survival instinct.

The ashling Murphy case is in the news in Ireland this week.

As her murderer is on trial.

She was murdered while out for a run in daylight. Pretty near where I live.

What came over him to do that

I feel uncomfortable too which has been worse since baby has been here, wondering if it's been worse since baby for you? I don't think a bit of awareness about men and how dangerous they can be is necessarily a bad thing xx