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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell him not to come home

66 replies

ArgueWithATree · 15/10/2023 18:49

I'm super mad.

The issue is that he told me we were going to Naples for our anniversary in October.

I booked time off work.

Today it has come out he can't pay for this trip at all, so it's not going to happen.

This isn't the first time. Before September he claimed we were going to Europe for my birthday. Not just to me but my family and friends. Only to tell me a week before he couldn't afford it and we were going somewhere in the uk instead.

Fine. We went to Cornwall. But he organised nothing the whole time, leaving it to me to take control of the holiday in terms of restaurant bookings and plans.

Now we are here again and he is playing the injured party because he's broke. Yet he set it all up in the first place. Only because I've called him out on it has has it come to light.

AIBU to tell him not to come home? I feel humiliated. I've sorted childcare and someone to look after the dog. I've booked more time off work. Now he's made me look so stupid.

I don't care a jot about the trips. I care about looking like a twat, and having to pick up the pieces.

OP posts:
EvilElsa · 15/10/2023 18:52

Sounds like this might be the tip of the iceberg for for you? I assume he has form for shit like this?

Antst · 15/10/2023 18:55

You need to start by getting your priorities straight!! Who cares if you look like a twat? Not that you do. People will feel sorry for you when they find out the situation. The problem is that you can't rely on him. He is bad with money, he's disorganized, he lies, and it sounds like he plays the victim instead of taking responsibility.

I hope the child isn't his because I wouldn't want to deal with custody issues with this guy or turn over the child to his care.

You need to sit down and think about whether this is the only problem in your relationship. I bet it isn't. Then decide what to do. If you need a break from him while you sort things out, by all means ask for one.

RubyBoozeDay · 15/10/2023 18:58

Can you go on holiday with a friend instead of him?

2jacqi · 15/10/2023 19:12

does he have a job? did he think he would manage to save money up for the long promised trip or has he spent all his money in the pub or elsewhere

Original poster
ArgueWithATree · 15/10/2023 19:19

EvilElsa · 15/10/2023 18:52

Sounds like this might be the tip of the iceberg for for you? I assume he has form for shit like this?

Yep. This is becoming a pattern

OP posts:
Edwardbear1 · 15/10/2023 19:21

Book to go away yourself and sack him off

Slobberchops1 · 15/10/2023 19:24

Book yourself a cheap flight somewhere and go on your own .

Original poster
ArgueWithATree · 15/10/2023 19:26

I'm not even bothered about going away. I just don't want to set eyes on him, I'm so angry.

Why carry on the lie until it is literally forced out of you?

How did he think this would pan out?

And the worst, he asked me to pay for the holiday (I hadn't asked for) on my credit card. Hell no,

I'm not going on holiday but neither is he coming home for the foreseeable,

OP posts:
GrazingSheep · 15/10/2023 19:28

I understand your anger but what’s the position re the house? Is it just yours?

Blough · 15/10/2023 19:29

Who is he-Husband? Boyfriend? Whose house is it?

Original poster
ArgueWithATree · 15/10/2023 19:31

GrazingSheep · 15/10/2023 19:28

I understand your anger but what’s the position re the house? Is it just yours?

We rent.

He is my husband.

OP posts:
MissAmbrosia · 15/10/2023 19:31

The sheer lies would end any feelings I had.

Glorifried · 15/10/2023 19:32

I would want to fucking kill him.

Foxblue · 15/10/2023 19:33

I had one like this, the lies don't stop there. Get rid!!

Mrsttcno1 · 15/10/2023 19:35

ArgueWithATree · 15/10/2023 19:31

We rent.

He is my husband.

Show quote history

If you rent jointly, you can’t really stop him from coming back to his home?

I also think this is a situation where the only way through it is talking about it together, for example why is he struggling so much with money while you aren’t (I assume, as you haven’t said you couldn’t afford your share), you’re married with kids, surely this should be joint money? Why does he not feel able to communicate it with you- is there something else going on?

These are things you need to discuss with him, when you’re married with children, I struggle to see the sense in the “don’t come home” unless what you’re saying is you want to separate?

Muchonachomiamigo · 15/10/2023 19:37

Does he have a job? The nerve of him to ask you to pay on your credit card!!

I wouldn't want to see him either. He is a let down and a liar and thats massively unattractive.

Ffsnotaconference · 15/10/2023 19:37

Is this new behaviour?

The promising and not following through? The being skint? If so it sounds like something else is going on that he is lying about.

I don’t blame you for not wanting to see him. But you can’t really stop him. It’s the family home, hopefully he will agree to give you some space.

Blough · 15/10/2023 19:39

Do you not share finances? I’d have had questions if he’d miraculously found money to go to Naples a mere month and a half after he pretended he was taking you and your relatives abroad.

Original poster
ArgueWithATree · 15/10/2023 19:42

This is it. He's made no indication he's struggling till today when he told my sister he hasn't booked the flights for the trip and I questioned him about it.

We have a joint account for rent, bills, etc.

I've notice in the last few weeks he's been using my card for everything but not said anything until today because he's let me sort out childcare/dog care for this 'trip' which had no chance of actually happening.

To be clear, I wouldn't be this mad if he came to me and said he was struggling for money. What I'm mad about is he's strung me along TWICE, promising XYZ with no intention of delivering on it. He's done this knowing all the facts and keep me in the dark about his finances .

OP posts:
Mrsttcno1 · 15/10/2023 19:46

Have you already given him the money for your “half” of the holiday? If so, can he give you that back and then you can book something for yourself?

As an aside, you need to sit down together and discuss this properly, and discuss the way your finances are working as a family really. You’re married, you have children, you live together, there shouldn’t be an instance that one of you is “skint” while the other can comfortably afford xyz surely?

Thedm · 15/10/2023 19:48

But why does he do this? What’s his reason for it, when he knows it won’t happen. Just why?

Neriah · 15/10/2023 19:49

I'm sympathetic, but your husband is struggling with money, and you're angry because of that. Doesn't sound like much of a marriage.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/10/2023 19:50

You can’t stop him coming home for this no matter how annoying.

how come he’s so suddenly skint?

jollyhols · 15/10/2023 19:50

Does he gamble by any chance? Or spend recklessly? I ask because I once had an ex who would promise the world then deliver fuck all. It was usually because he'd gambled all his/our money away.

The disappointment, lies and resentment grew and grew. Hence why he is an ex. How can you respect someone who behaves like that and expects you to pick up the pieces?

Gwendimarco · 15/10/2023 19:50

Definitely go somewhere without him.