To tell him not to come home

[ArgueWithATree]

I'm super mad.

The issue is that he told me we were going to Naples for our anniversary in October.

I booked time off work.

Today it has come out he can't pay for this trip at all, so it's not going to happen.

This isn't the first time. Before September he claimed we were going to Europe for my birthday. Not just to me but my family and friends. Only to tell me a week before he couldn't afford it and we were going somewhere in the uk instead.

Fine. We went to Cornwall. But he organised nothing the whole time, leaving it to me to take control of the holiday in terms of restaurant bookings and plans.

Now we are here again and he is playing the injured party because he's broke. Yet he set it all up in the first place. Only because I've called him out on it has has it come to light.

AIBU to tell him not to come home? I feel humiliated. I've sorted childcare and someone to look after the dog. I've booked more time off work. Now he's made me look so stupid.

I don't care a jot about the trips. I care about looking like a twat, and having to pick up the pieces.

@ArgueWithATree with all due respect, was it wise to trust him after the first time ?

Why is he broke? Does that add up to you?

Should he have more money? You seem to have a very vague attitude towards your family finances. That’s what I would be looking at.

If you plan on staying, you need to sit down and figured out where his money is going. And an agreement off no grand gestures which turns out to be a false promise.

He's a liar and a fantasist. Like the Walter Mitty character.

Men like that are a bit of a nightmare because you never know where you stand with them. They don't just lie to you and to others, they also lie to themselves. Who does he think he's trying to impress?

You have no need to feel humiliated. He has behaved like a complete idiot and you have every right to be deeply angry.

To avoid this happening again, never allow him to suck you into another one of his fantasies. Tell him you're never going to believe another word out of his mouth and that he can shove any future planning up his arse.

Separate your finances as much as possible and never let him have access to any of your cards again.

Save towards your own future and security. Marriage to that kind of person is often a hiding to nothing and may end in divorce.

What's he wasting his money on then if he cannot afford it?

Also when you say he’s using your card, do you mean your personal bank account?

Do you have a support network outside of him? I’d be honest with your trusted friends/family about what’s going on as it doesn’t sound like a matter that will resolve overnight. It goes beyond you having to admit the holiday you were excited about not happening. I would be more concerned about finances and the long term impact his actions will have - are there any other bank accounts he has access to? Savings he may be draining?

There’s only 3 explanations if you take this at face value:
1.he overestimated how much money he would earn at the point he told you of the holiday - surely that’s simple budgeting, not an easy mistake to make?
2.the money was there at one point, now it’s frittered - how/why etc
3.he lied, had no intention of following through

IF you make about the same money and split the bills, where is the rest of his money going? He's spending yours ... where is his?

I'd be worried about an addiction, paying for sex, gambling...

He doesn't sound trustworthy.

@Ladyj84 why did you type and post that comment?

I wouldn’t try to stop him coming home, he’s got to live somewhere!

now if you have issues that are more long term you need to make plans for that

I was also thinking about him gambling, OP. The lies and head-in-the-sand behaviour might indicate that he was hoping the money would come from somewhere last minute, which is why I’m wondering if he’s promising things when he’s flush.

Hate to see what you say to people who are going through it IRL

OP, I don't have online banking or anything so not sure, but can't you freeze the card on there somewhere?

She’s reporting it stolen

Fool me once?
You have my sympathy, took me ages to wise up to a liar.
Better to depend on yourself no disappointment that way

Do you share finances? Why does he get to say you can't afford it?

Jesus Christ, @Ladyj84 . What possessed you?

This would seriously piss me off.

You must feel so let down op.