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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell him not to come home

66 replies

ArgueWithATree · 15/10/2023 18:49

I'm super mad.

The issue is that he told me we were going to Naples for our anniversary in October.

I booked time off work.

Today it has come out he can't pay for this trip at all, so it's not going to happen.

This isn't the first time. Before September he claimed we were going to Europe for my birthday. Not just to me but my family and friends. Only to tell me a week before he couldn't afford it and we were going somewhere in the uk instead.

Fine. We went to Cornwall. But he organised nothing the whole time, leaving it to me to take control of the holiday in terms of restaurant bookings and plans.

Now we are here again and he is playing the injured party because he's broke. Yet he set it all up in the first place. Only because I've called him out on it has has it come to light.

AIBU to tell him not to come home? I feel humiliated. I've sorted childcare and someone to look after the dog. I've booked more time off work. Now he's made me look so stupid.

I don't care a jot about the trips. I care about looking like a twat, and having to pick up the pieces.

OP posts:

PabloandGustheGreySquirrels · 15/10/2023 19:51

Let me guess, if you dare to say anything to him about it, you get accused of being 'grabby'

Either way, he sounds disingenuous and totally useless with money at best. If you're planning a trip abroad, most people save up for months, have it booked & paid for months in advance along with Euros. If he's not sorted any^^ of that sort of thing then he's just a billy bullshitter through & through! Happy to hurt & disappoint you in order to look good to friends & family

Original poster

ArgueWithATree · 15/10/2023 19:52

Mrsttcno1 · 15/10/2023 19:46

Have you already given him the money for your “half” of the holiday? If so, can he give you that back and then you can book something for yourself?

As an aside, you need to sit down together and discuss this properly, and discuss the way your finances are working as a family really. You’re married, you have children, you live together, there shouldn’t be an instance that one of you is “skint” while the other can comfortably afford xyz surely?

I never gave him money for the holiday because he positioned it as an anniversary present. As was the trip for my birthday. It was never asked of me to be liable for half.

Regardless, I never agreed to either holiday, I was told we were going. I organised the appropriate time off/childcare and both times the rug has been pulled:

Now he is telling me he is struggling financially with no indication previously. We both pay into a joint account, get paid roughly the same. How would I know he's struggling unless he says so??

But it's only come to light because of all this holiday crap which he's caused himself because i don't care about going away or expensive presents, i care about effort and honesty which doesn't cost a lot in the grand scheme.

OP posts:

bonzaitree · 15/10/2023 19:52

This is ridiculous. If he can’t afford to take you away then he should say he is- sets you up for disappointment

How much financial transparency do you have in your relationship?

Mrsttcno1 · 15/10/2023 19:53

jollyhols · 15/10/2023 19:50

Does he gamble by any chance? Or spend recklessly? I ask because I once had an ex who would promise the world then deliver fuck all. It was usually because he'd gambled all his/our money away.

The disappointment, lies and resentment grew and grew. Hence why he is an ex. How can you respect someone who behaves like that and expects you to pick up the pieces?

Gambling is something I was going to suggest, my ex BIL was exactly the same way. He would win a bet and on the high of that would promise a holiday, a new piece of jewellery, a date night away in a hotel, a spa treatment etc, but by the time a few hours had passed he’s gambled the winnings again and lost them, but had already made the promises. He’d never retract his offer or promises though as he was always so sure he’d win the money back in time to sort it our. It was only when he was ever pulled on it that he had to admit he didn’t have the money for it. Does sound familiar!

parietal · 15/10/2023 19:55

My mind also went to gambling straight away. Any history of that?

bombastix · 15/10/2023 19:56

This sounds very mean of him. Because it's happened twice, can I ask you if you really think he is broke? Because this is an odd behaviour to repeat.

Sidebeforeself · 15/10/2023 19:56

Didn’t he realise you might actually notice at some point that you weren’t in Naples?!

Hankunamatata · 15/10/2023 19:56

I'd be wondering if he has debt. Ask to see his credit report. You can get one free on money saving expert or some online banking apps

Mrsttcno1 · 15/10/2023 19:57

ArgueWithATree · 15/10/2023 19:52

I never gave him money for the holiday because he positioned it as an anniversary present. As was the trip for my birthday. It was never asked of me to be liable for half.

Regardless, I never agreed to either holiday, I was told we were going. I organised the appropriate time off/childcare and both times the rug has been pulled:

Now he is telling me he is struggling financially with no indication previously. We both pay into a joint account, get paid roughly the same. How would I know he's struggling unless he says so??

Show quote history

If you pay the same into the joint account and get paid roughly the same, could you afford to pay for the holiday for both of you? If not, then you know he is probably genuine about money being tight. If you know of his income and expenditure, then you know if this gift is doable or not realistically.

You say “how would I know he is struggling financially unless he says so”, you’re married, your finances should be shared. Not “his money” and “your money”, it’s OUR money. If you earn the same and he is struggling while you aren’t then you need to sit down together and work out why that is surely? I think you both need to sit down and work out your financial situation as a family.

bombastix · 15/10/2023 19:57

I would be looking for a mistress. The money has gone somewhere

TammyJones · 15/10/2023 19:59

parietal · 15/10/2023 19:55

My mind also went to gambling straight away. Any history of that?

It's starting to look a lot like this is what's happening....

MaryMcI · 15/10/2023 20:01

I agree with Mrsttcno1
this situation makes no sense. The first question with a holiday is how can it be paid for? Can we afford it? Plus, surely you should be deciding together what the big expenses are (a holiday is a big expense for me).

CombatBarbie · 15/10/2023 20:01

So where is his money going and why is he using your card?

INeedAnotherName · 15/10/2023 20:03

Where is his money going? You said you both pay the bills on equal wages and you are managing fine. I'm guessing its either gambling or only fans. Its time to find out.

I've notice in the last few weeks he's been using my card for everything
Take your card off him immediately. He's spent his money, now he's starting on yours. How much debt do you want to be in? Do a credit check on yourself asap.

Original poster

ArgueWithATree · 15/10/2023 20:07

When he said the holidays were booked, I took him at his word that he'd organised and paid for them.

There was no suggestion that we would be paying for them together.

I've been happy to pick up the slack on other stuff because that's how we work. Everything goes on the joint pot and then we just move money as and when it's needed. It's really worked fine up until now and the big sticking point is he's promised something twice now and then pulled back at the last minute. This time under pressure from me because I saw there was clearly an issue.

We each have our own money and bills that we pay for separately. I prefer it this way, especially as neither of us earns more than the other.

My difficulty is honesty. If he knew this was coming, why not put it right? Why wait for me to pull it out of him?

OP posts:

Ladyj84 · 15/10/2023 20:12

Wow I'm glad my husband doesn't do this that's heart breaking and tbh he doesn't care a jot about you. We've just had a lovely break away 4 nights for our anniversary and I was led to believe it was a premier inn which I have no problems with only to find us pulling up outside a luxury hotel. I was so super surprised and it makes me love my hubby even more secretly arranging this. He's always doing stuff like it and catches me out in a good way everytime. I've never had to pay for the surprises or treats he's made or arranged. I've done the same back although I got a 2 night booking a little wrong last time found I'd booked a single bed room haha for one by accident when we arrived so maybe I leave booking to him lol

ElleCapitaine · 15/10/2023 20:13

Gambling was my first thought too - hoping he’d make back the money to pay for the trip. OP, at the risk of sounding over dramatic, check your credit score (via, e.g. Experian). If he’s using your credit card for day to day purchases you need to make sure that’s being paid. Check your rent is being paid. Check he hasn’t taken out other credit cards in your name. If you’re earning similar amounts and putting similar amounts into the joint account, and you have money left but he doesn’t, I’d want to know why. It’s one thing if he has an expensive hobby and he’s overspent on a new bag for his golf clubs, but if he’s routinely spending money to the extent he can’t honour promises and can’t tell you until that last minute then I think you have a whole different problem on your hands.

Trianglesandcircles1 · 15/10/2023 20:15

My difficulty is honesty. If he knew this was coming, why not put it right?

Because, as other posters have suggested, there is more to this than meets the eye. Don't put your head in the sand.
Look for signs of gambling, paying for porn, or whatever. Where is his money going? Why was he using your card?
Check credit scores. Make sure he has not taken out loans, in your name or his, and check if he has built up a big credit card debt.

If the finances are all straight, maybe he just fritters money away on coffees and crap, and as a PP said he is "Billy Bullshitter" to get all the kudos in front of friends and family without actually following through.

Nowherenew · 15/10/2023 20:16

I wouldn’t tell him not to come home, because it’s his home too and it’s not fair he should stay somewhere else.

But I would be telling him to sleep on the sofa and that the relationship is over.

Then I’d work out who is moving out and the best way to separate amicably.

Mrsttcno1 · 15/10/2023 20:17

The bottom line OP is that if you want answers to these questions, why has he done this, where has the money gone etc- you need a proper conversation with him about it. Everything on the table, total honesty.

gamerchick · 15/10/2023 20:22

I'd be signing up for clearscore now and seeing what kind of debt is in your name OP.

Original poster

ArgueWithATree · 15/10/2023 20:26

gamerchick · 15/10/2023 20:22

I'd be signing up for clearscore now and seeing what kind of debt is in your name OP.

I have Experian. Nothing out of the ordinary there, so reasonably confident he hasn't borrowed in my name.

I know I've let him spend my money for too long though, so I'm going to report my debit card as stolen and get a new one.

I just don't know why? Why promise what you can't deliver on??

I'm inclined to say gambling isn't a factor, however I am going to ask him:

OP posts:

ilovesooty · 15/10/2023 20:27

@Ladyj84 that's lovely for you, but it doesn't help the OP much does it?

@ArgueWithATree I can understand that this deceit would make you furious. I imagine your first act will be to try to establish why?

itsmyp4rty · 15/10/2023 20:27

He wants to be the impressive, rich, amazing bloke who books impressive holidays to sweep his wife away on and even takes her friends and family to be even more impressive.

In his head that's who he is.

In reality he is a sad, broke, pathetic little man who deludes himself and lies to everyone around him to keep up this fantasy.

I wonder if he ticks any other boxes for a covert narcissist because these sorts of delusions of grandeur ring a bell for me.

contactme · 15/10/2023 20:28

I don't care a jot about the trips. I care about looking like a twat, and having to pick up the pieces.

this reads as if your priority concern is saving face/your wider social circle not being aware vs what actually happened

to be honest it’s good that he’s doing things that others around you will notice - he has nowhere to hide or nowhere to blame you then. It’s better in that respect than to have it happen behind closed doors and no one around you can tell what you’re going through

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