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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can a relationship/family realistically survive alcoholism intact?

137 replies

Autumnleavesfalling23 · 15/10/2023 10:15

DH is an alcoholic, which he is coming to teens with accepting. We have 2 teens. He is accessing support, wants to stop etc but also doesn’t want to never be able to drink.
Things will be ok for a while, until another obvious lapse where he will have drunk but lie about it, drive when drunk etc.
AIBU to think that things won’t get worse? Or is it somewhat inevitable that he will relapse and things will escalate again?
Unsure if I need to plan to separate.

OP posts:
SoEffingGrumpy · 15/10/2023 10:29

doesn’t want to never be able to drink.

Unless he changes this attitude then he will always relapse. He’s kidding himself if he thinks he can moderate and not end up drinking heavily again.

No, I don’t think a family can survive one members alcoholism. Not without significant emotional damage anyway.

cakecoffeecakecoffee · 15/10/2023 10:33

doesn’t want to never be able to drink

possibly, once he realises that this isn’t realistic.

my dad is an alcoholic and spent years believing he could drink in moderation after periods completely off the drink. It was only once he finally realised that he could never touch another drop that things got better.

Original poster
Autumnleavesfalling23 · 15/10/2023 10:48

Thanks. Did things get a lot better and consistently? My worry is that I won’t ever be able to trust him again

OP posts:
Ragruggers · 15/10/2023 10:53

In one word no,sorry but in my experience it is very unlikely he will stop completely.He will always have a reasoningin his mind it’s only a little drink.Dont let your children grow up with this situation please.Report if he drinks and drives.Stay strong and leave him now.

pinguins · 15/10/2023 10:55

No he will never ever be able to drink again. Until he accepts that he is still in denial about the true extent of his condition.

The media makes it seem like all addicts get into a situation known as a "rock bottom moment" when they suddenly see how bad things are and vow to change and fix themselves (and follow through this time). In reality there is no "rock bottom" for most people. Just continuous erosion of their view of what's ok and what's not, as the addiction gets them tighter in a stranglehold until eventually it kills them.
It killed my dad. It took years. There were years of "it's ok I can have 2 drinks a day" or "I'm not drinking" (which was always a lie by omission as he always meant he didn't have a drink in his hand at that very moment, even if he'd just been in the bathroom drinking vodka hidden in the cistern).

There was this depressing slow decline and as his daughter it was horriffic to watch him literally kill himself over the space of about a decade then plan and run his funeral when I was 25.

I am glad I knew my dad but I do regret the times when I lived with him. As it progresses, alcoholism gets really messy and hard for relatives to mentally deal with.

I'd suggest separating but not going NC unless he's trying to get you to fund his addiction or is leaning on you too heavily for emotional support.

Ponoka7 · 15/10/2023 10:55

Are you in the UK? I'm surprised by your attitude to him drink driving. How are your teens through all this? You are at risk of losing them as adults because they might not make the excuses for him that you do. That would mean also not seeing any GC. You need to put time limits on this and unless he accepts that he can't drink in moderation, then he's always going to relapse. There's been many a thread by women who can't invite either parent to any celebration because the alcoholic in the partnership might show up. Realise the choice that you are making.

Turnthelightoff · 15/10/2023 10:55

Yes another one here to say an alcoholic cannot drink at all if they are trying to recover. My friends exDH is one of those who thinks that might be possible and is certainly one of the reasons for being an ex.

MabelWotsits · 15/10/2023 11:00

If he's unwilling to accept that he's powerless over alcohol, then things will get worse.

If he gets to the post where he's ready to stop, things can get better.

DH has been sober over 20 years now and I have met a lot of alcoholics over the years and sadly unless they're willing to put effort in, lots haven't made it.

Original poster
Autumnleavesfalling23 · 15/10/2023 11:03

Ponoka7 · 15/10/2023 10:55

Are you in the UK? I'm surprised by your attitude to him drink driving. How are your teens through all this? You are at risk of losing them as adults because they might not make the excuses for him that you do. That would mean also not seeing any GC. You need to put time limits on this and unless he accepts that he can't drink in moderation, then he's always going to relapse. There's been many a thread by women who can't invite either parent to any celebration because the alcoholic in the partnership might show up. Realise the choice that you are making.

I don’t have any relaxed attitude to his drink driving, many rows over this when I have found out

OP posts:
B12B12 · 15/10/2023 11:03

Your DH’s primary relationship is with alcohol not with you or your DC. If he does not intend to even try to stop drinking forever, I would end the marriage. It is likely at the end that you will have to nurse him through a long and unpleasant illness.

My father was an alcoholic. Died when I was 17. I am 60 and it defined my mental health all my life. My mother and sister also still suffer. Put your kids first.

StripeyDeckchair · 15/10/2023 11:05

He drives while drunk and you're still with him?

That would be the deal beaker for me, first time he did it he'd be out.

You need to think of your children and the damage this is doing to them. Do you know children of alcoholics are more likely to become alcoholics? Is that what you want for your children?

He will get worse
The lies will become more frequent
The behaviour with be worse

Get out and save your kids

Original poster
Autumnleavesfalling23 · 15/10/2023 11:30

I’m sorry to hear so many of you have grown up in this environment. To add context; he isn’t ever aggressive or obviously drunk, maybe a bit irritable but he will be unreliable and forget things we’ve agreed. He is now trying to stop drinking and has managed a few weeks then lapses.
it’s the lying and unreliability I find hard and of course the fear he will drive drunk and cause an accident.
I suppose I’m asking: can you ever really relax and trust them again? Do people often stay off the alcohol?

OP posts:
Original poster
Autumnleavesfalling23 · 15/10/2023 11:30

This is my exact fear:

He will get worse
The lies will become more frequent
The behaviour with be worse

OP posts:
KajsaKavat · 15/10/2023 11:33

Until he accepts that he can NEVER drink again, or substitute drink for another addiction, he will keep relapsing.

I will say no a relationship can not survive this because if or when he chooses sobriety he could be an entirely different person. There will be a lot of collateral damage along the way.

MyGooseisTotallyLoose · 15/10/2023 11:33

Autumnleavesfalling23 · 15/10/2023 11:03

I don’t have any relaxed attitude to his drink driving, many rows over this when I have found out

Show quote history

Has he admitted to drink driving with dc in the car? Would he?

Original poster
Autumnleavesfalling23 · 15/10/2023 11:33

MabelWotsits
thank you, that’s good to know. So possible but not necessarily likely. Have you find it very hard to trust him?

OP posts:
AgingDisgracefullyHere · 15/10/2023 11:34

I do know people who stay off for years, because I'm in AA. But they really do have to fully accept that they'll never be able to drink like normal people.

And people do relapse after years.

If you can't cope with being unsure, that's OK.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 15/10/2023 11:36

My DF was an alcoholic and my DM divorced him when I was 4/5. DF was married 3 times, 6 kids hotel and in his third marriage said he’d stopped drinking for 15 years.

When him and his third wife divorced he went back to drinking and died young at 50, probably from alcohol issues.

It is extremely hard for an alcoholic to completely stop drinking or not relapse so sorry to say I think it’s best for your marriage and DC if you separate and divorce.

Original poster
Autumnleavesfalling23 · 15/10/2023 11:36

A few months ago I worked out he had driven with kids in car after drinking at least a bottle of wine. Obviously huge row, asked him to leave but he refused and was upset etc. Since then he is never in a position where I allow him to drive the kids anywhere, I take them or he gets a taxi with them.
He now goes to AA regularly but still has slips and last week drove after drinking.

OP posts:
margotrose · 15/10/2023 11:36

No. Alcoholism destroys people, families and relationships. It ruins lives.

Please don't keep your kids in this environment. It's not fair.

2chocolateoranges · 15/10/2023 11:36

In the alcoholics I’ve known, they only get worse. They lie are manipulative and cannot be trusted.

all 3 families have been ripped apart, 2 families have resulted in an early death for the alcoholic and the other one has been disowned by their own children. Resulting in ongoing trauma for everyone involved.

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 15/10/2023 11:37

AgingDisgracefullyHere · 15/10/2023 11:34

I do know people who stay off for years, because I'm in AA. But they really do have to fully accept that they'll never be able to drink like normal people.

And people do relapse after years.

If you can't cope with being unsure, that's OK.

What would you say if someone (like my DF) went to AA but had non alcoholic wine at a dinner, when you went to see him and his family?

ZekeZeke · 15/10/2023 11:37

wants to stop etc but also doesn’t want to never be able to drink

Until he accepts that he can never, EVER drink again. He is a lost cause.

ImWithATwat · 15/10/2023 11:38

I'm going through this at the moment too. They can't carry on drinking. They think they can control it but they can't.

I'm going to join al anon after posters advice and I'd like to give you that same advice. X

www.mumsnet.com/talk/_chat/4919942-my-partner-drank-a-35cl-bottle-of-vodka-then-drove-and-hes-mad-at-me?reply=129939883

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 15/10/2023 11:38

Autumnleavesfalling23 · 15/10/2023 11:36

A few months ago I worked out he had driven with kids in car after drinking at least a bottle of wine. Obviously huge row, asked him to leave but he refused and was upset etc. Since then he is never in a position where I allow him to drive the kids anywhere, I take them or he gets a taxi with them.
He now goes to AA regularly but still has slips and last week drove after drinking.

That there is unacceptable. He put your DCs lives at risk as well as his own by drink driving.