Can a relationship/family realistically survive alcoholism intact?

[Autumnleavesfalling23]

DH is an alcoholic, which he is coming to teens with accepting. We have 2 teens. He is accessing support, wants to stop etc but also doesn’t want to never be able to drink.
Things will be ok for a while, until another obvious lapse where he will have drunk but lie about it, drive when drunk etc.
AIBU to think that things won’t get worse? Or is it somewhat inevitable that he will relapse and things will escalate again?
Unsure if I need to plan to separate.

I'm so sorry you're having to go through this.

No, he needs to leave now and don't let him take the car. This isn't going to get better without external help and you can't help him, no matter how hard to try.

He's obviously still in denial about his drinking if he still thinks he can control it by cutting down and have the occasional drink. Until he accepts that he can never drink any alcohol ever again, he's not going to begin the process of recovery.

If he has intensive treatment in a specialist Rehab unit, in a couple of years he could maybe come back home but you're better off legally separating for now.

A lot of alcoholics take several attempts before they can start to recover. You don't need the stress of trying to stop him relapsing, because if he's not there yet, he will find a way to drink regardless and you and the family will suffer too, every time he relapses.

This isn't a situation he can solve in a few weeks. It's a very long process. He needs to be able to not reach for that crutch when life is tough.

My DH is 30+ yrs sober and is ok with having booze in the house and not touching it. I met him when he was 10yrs in recovery and luckily I'm not interested in drinking as alcohol such as wine tends to make me physically sick.

Unless he is prepared to accept that he is powerless to alcohol and willing to give it up for life then things will only get worse.

Don't put yourself or your kids through a life of navigating someone else's addiction.
It becomes all consuming and truly wastes your own time.

You have to battle your own co dependant behaviour living with an addict and you will become a shell of yourself.

Take it from someone who should have taken their own advice sooner

A PP mentioned al-anon. Have a look and reach out to people who have similar experiences as you. I'm sorry but no one can say what the future holds, but I understand the want to have hope that everything will be OK. Relapses are often part of recovery and I wouldn't write him off for this, but, and it's a big but, he needs to have the desire to want to stop. There's no single right or wrong way to address addiction but the successful ones are the ones who accept that they can't use safely. Ever. I still attend meetings every week because that's what works for me. There's also smart recovery as an AA alternative, CBT and so on. The best thing you can do is start your own recovery journey. It's a family disease and a family recovery but everyone needs to be on the same page x

After telling me not drinking since last week, found an empty wine bottle in the laundry basket. This isn’t going to change is it

I’m so sorry OP. It looks like it’s not going to change at the moment.

My husband is an alcoholic. We had years of the cycle of him drinking so much something bad would happen, he'd feel awful about it and give up drinking, then it was "moderation" ("I'll only drink two pints while out / just one with dinner / I won't order my first drink til 10pm so I can't see drink too much") then it would creep up and up until he was staying up til 4am drinking whatever he could find in the house.
It wasn't until the most recent awful incident that he finally realised he can never drink again. Ever. He has committed to this now and is 3 years sober. It's not easy and I don't know if he will ever drink again, but he knows there is no wiggle room in this for him, it has to be zero alcohol forever or he knows it will escalate again.

We are lucky he didn't die last time he got drunk. The "what if"s still make me shudder.

Unless your husband can accept he is an alcoholic and recovery = no alcohol again ever, you will be likely stuck in the same cycle.

I hope you all find a way forward

@Autumnleavesfalling23 no, it isn't. I am so sorry you're coming face to face with the deceit and manipulation of the addict. This is how they operate. Their addiction is in charge. After my late husband was made to leave by the police, my DC and I found bottles everywhere. Including in coat and trouser pockets, his t shirt and sock drawers and in shoes he didn't wear. Secret drinking is the biggest of red flags. It's time to act. His rock bottom doesn't matter - let this be yours, put yourself and your children first.

Can i just ask (as im in a similar position to you op). How much does he drink that you know of?

1980F
he doesn’t drink loads - which is what always has me doubting myself for a while. At worst that I know of, 3 bottles of wine a day, not every day. Most of the time, a bottle a day, maybe 2.
The difference is how he drinks. He drinks in the morning if stressed. In the afternoon if worried, always drinks alone, either in car or on a walk or in the garage. Always thinks he’s ok to drive ( an hour after downing a bottle). Drinks over very short time period eg a bottle in 15 mins. Always tries to hide it

Personally, I would be giving him an ultimatum. It’s the alcohol or his family. He’s trying to keep both with these half-hearted measures.

My father was an alcoholic. I have no tolerance for this sort of thing in my life. Not to be confused with empathy. I think it must be awful to be an addict. But that doesn’t mean you should allow the addict to ruin yours and your children’s lives too.

You don’t think three bottles of wine a day is loads?

@Autumnleavesfalling23 with the best will in the world, your perception of what is normal drinking is completely distorted. One bottle of wine a day is loads, never mind three. Yes, the timing of it is disturbing - but the quantities he drinks are also very concerning. It's enough for him to die young.

Yes: a friend’s husband was a two bottle a night man. Horrible health complications as a result in his early thirties and that tall, good looking, life of the party man ended up a frail, wasted, shell of himself.

Do you think that maybe that amount doesn't seem too excessive because it's been normalised over time. And that maybe one feels ok because it could be worse, it could be three so one feels safer?

I’m surprised my stepdad with his half or one bottle a night for years hasn’t got more than high blood pressure tablets. Think with stepdad 3 x weekly gym visits and losing weight from mid 40s onwards helped him.

One bottle A DAY is excessive

Agreed. I only lived with my dad up til age of 4/5 as an alcoholic and got to know him again at 13, no contact in between. However, they say drinking etc is genetic or addiction and I think definitely when younger I’d drink a lot, binge drink, and do stupid things sometimes. I mean I was probably quite tame really but I’m lucky now that friends I do have and my boyfriend we don’t drink a lot.

I was at a 50th birthday party of a best friend of my boyfriend this summer and there was a man there, same age or slightly younger, good looking but said he’d had drink and drugs issues his entire life but was now a first time dad with a baby so had calmed down and stopped drink/drugs. All I could think of when I saw him was pity and thought he was a pathetic man. Because he sort of wanted to prove that now if he wanted to he could still party and pull women, whereas I ran in the other direction back to my boyfriend!

It’s amazing how many people will say it isn’t though. I used to work with a woman who’d easily drink half or a whole bottle of red wine on afternoon lunches with our boss 4 days a week, but no, she didn’t have a drink problem she said!

Every alcoholic is a functioning alcoholic until they're not.

How much he drinks is largely irrelevant, even though there is a lot at stake he can't stop and doesn't really want to.

To repeat what has been said already, he has to accept that he can't ever drink again. He is still in denial about the nature of his problem. If he is attending AA but still thinks he will only require a period of abstinence to reset his drinking then I promise you he's only attending to appease you. There is a a chance that he may get the message however reluctant his attendance is but if he doesn't really want to stop for good then he won't do the work and that's what makes he difference.

Loving parents do not risk their children's lives by drink driving with the in the car. Alcoholism makes the unacceptable acceptable. In my experience it will only get worse until he decides he can't live like this any longer.

You can decide for yourself what you are prepared to put up with but you also have an obligation to protect your children from the harm caused by an alcoholic parent. I would ask him to leave, you shouldn't have to live with worrying about his drinking.

People can and do get sober and stay sober for the rest of their lives but you have to want it. Long term recovering alcoholics don't live everyday fighting a desire to drink, most don't even think about alcohol but they are also under no illusion that they are cured and they take steps to keep themselves well.

Al -Anon is for friends and family of alcoholics. You might find their support helpful.

https://al-anonuk.org.uk/

Another voice here OP saying that this is not promising. He doesn't seem to be serious about quitting. This is a familiar pattern, those who don' t necessary want to stop drinking at all, they just want to stop the consequences of their drinking, iyswim.
His actions don't at all seem like someone who is really interested in stopping.
Abstinence is hard work over many months and years. Requires radical honesty and transparency and REPAIR of fractured relationships. This isn't what you are describing.
Your children are more aware than you think, and I agree with the others who say that a 'good father' doesn't drive intoxicated with his kids in the car, or lie to their mum, or choose alcohol over them, etc etc.

I feel sorry for you but I'm angry too.

If you feel insecure about whether he can turn around after the latest lapse how on earth do you think your children feel? you have the choice to split and offer the kids stability. They can't do that for themselves. As the adult it's your job to make the hard decisions for them.

I hear you, sure, they love their dad and want a happy family with mum and dad, but it's not on the cards is it? Hes planning to drink again and you're wondering if his sobriety will last longer than the last time. It's not fair.

My lifelong experience from early childhood onwards of family members etc. with substance use disorders (including alcohol) would indicate no. It harms children exposed to it in ways that profoundly influences their later life and even life chances.

This is v good advice. My dad was a functional alcoholic. Worked, could just about afford it, didn’t ever drive drunk. Wasn’t usually abusive with it (the odd time, but no pattern of abuse). Mum was reliable and looked after me and my siblings. We’re ok. He even stopped drinking for a few years. Life looked good for my parents for a while. Then he died from an alcohol related condition. Probably, my relationships with both parents were seriously impaired. My siblings don’t seem do badly affected. But we’re all ok. There’s always pain, but it’s manageable. I don’t think mum regrets her choices.

your situation is different . He’s drink driving. He could kill someone including himself. I don’t think i could cope with that. His drinking might get worse or it might not. But you get to choose. Just choose with your eyes wide open.

I wanted to say this too

Absolutely this. My mother thought I was okay. The reality was she had no idea what my father said or did when he was drunk and she wasn’t around.

His alcoholism and her enabling have impacted everything: my education, my work, my self-worth, my relationship choices. The only thing I really gained was the resilience I developed to make sure I built a decent life regardless.

Please put your children first. It’s not loving for them, or for your partner to sit back and do nothing.