Can a relationship/family realistically survive alcoholism intact?

[Autumnleavesfalling23]

DH is an alcoholic, which he is coming to teens with accepting. We have 2 teens. He is accessing support, wants to stop etc but also doesn’t want to never be able to drink.
Things will be ok for a while, until another obvious lapse where he will have drunk but lie about it, drive when drunk etc.
AIBU to think that things won’t get worse? Or is it somewhat inevitable that he will relapse and things will escalate again?
Unsure if I need to plan to separate.

Wow OP 3 bottles of wine in one session is bad. Thats 10 units a bottle so 30 in just that one day. On a normal week they are drinking between 70-140 units. Mine i would estimate drinks around 70-80 a week. You really need to call this a day or this will be your forever.

That is a huge amount to drink. Plus he is regularly drinking and driving…

To give you a sense of a normal pattern.

My DH (late forties) works in a field where client entertaining is a regular occurrence.
Several nights he won’t drink anything. We just have water with meals.

A couple of nights a week he will have drinks with clients and have 1 or 2 beers, picking lower alcohol brands.

At the weekend we might have 1 glass of wine with supper or perhaps a couple if we go out for a restaurant meal. But often he will say no to a glass if he’s feeling tired or off colour.

Please think seriously about taking steps to limit his ability to drive.

BIL had this attitude, despite his wife leaving him and increasing health problems caused by it. He'd say he was giving up after being admitted to hospital but it would be "I can still have the occasional one", "I dont have a problem I've just been unlucky" etc. He died in his 50s.

DH on the other hand recognised he had a problem when younger (no prompting from me I just thought he went a bit overboard sometimes, we werent married or had kids yet, no "rock bottom"), decided the only way to deal with it was to give up completely, set himself a date when he'd stop drinking and now has been teetotal for 20 years. He says it can still be hard sometimes.

Can I ask why you don't think this is much op?

Plus this is what you know about. There will be more than you know about.

Please seek help for your own sake here and your kids. You can't save him. Only yourselves.,

Define intact..

my father was an alcoholic. He eventually quit after having a complete mental breakdown. He and my mother are still together. I don’t believe he’s ever drunk again but I still fight the demons of that childhood daily, as does my brother. We are both NC with our parents.

I really feel for you, OP, but you sound as if you are in denial of the extent of the problem. I would recommend Al-Anon, and get your children out of there.

The amount he’s drinking is an awful lot, maybe you’re conditioned to think it’s not, or because it’s not hard spirits it’s not as bad. He’s driven your children when drunk, and could have killed them, or someone else’s children, or family member. He’s hiding the fact he’s drinking again. You know it won’t get better. He’s not in a position where he’s accepting he can’t ever drink again. He won’t stop, you’ll always be finding bottles hidden away. You will never trust him. You deserve better and more importantly, so do your children

Any update OP, people here still care.

Hi,
Thanks all your replies. We have talked about splitting and neither of us want this. He is trying hard and wants to stop permanently. He is regularly going to meetings and is doing well. I’m aware this could easily get worse but right now I’m happy that our kids are ok, and I’m ok to carry on with him accessing support and we’ll see how things go. Thanks for all support

Well sadly things have got worse. As many if you predicted, he is still drinking. Drive with our son in the car having drunk and was charged with drink driving.
Has secretly been drinking spirits now. Although still going to AA, has admitted he’s not always been when he’s said he’s been.
Arrest shook him up for about 3 weeks but then drinking again. Just don’t think he wants to stop enough.
I've now asked him to stay at other family house this week. Think we will have to split.
makes me angry and sad.

I’m so relieved he’s been banned from driving. I called the police as soon as I realised he had drunk. I had only just allowed him to drive kids again a week before

You actually allowed him to drive your kids, after he's relapsed multiple times before? Sorry, but that is totally incomprehensible to me. You are underreacting massively. He could have killed your children.

You absolutely do need to split. Start divorce proceedings immediately. He has endangered the lives of your children and that is unforgivable.

I'm dealing with the realisation that I'm going to have to leave my alcoholic husband, and this thread has been hugely helpful in supporting that. I've had my head in the sand and not prioritised my children. Thanks to all the pp's who've been so honest.

OP - I'm sorry you're having to deal with this, but sounds like you know you've reached the end of the line. Don't let him risk your kids like that again. Unfortunately, being charged with drink driving may have no effect on stopping him from doing it again, given his history of doing it repeatedly.

Really sorry. You know what you need to do and by doing it you are prioritising your children which is the right and important thing to minimise further trauma and risk to them.

OP I'm so sad for you.

My ex-step mother joined our family when I was 10. She was an alcoholic

She couldn't drive.

However I used to wish she'd get drunk and fall under a bus because of the damage she was doing to our family.

Your DC probably don't wish that about their DF - but they will hate what's happening. Giving them distance from him can only be a good thing.

Thanks all. I know I need to do it now and will do.
kids are teens with exams and stress which just makes it so much harder as I feel it will cause them upheaval they don’t deserve. But they know he has been banned they know why so they know what’s happening. They know I called the police and they said they think it was the right thing to do.
I’m just so angry and so sad that he’s led us to this.
I’m so sad for you guys who are going through this too.

Your husband doesn’t want to stop drinking,it’s that simple.I am a member of A.A. and have been sober 21 years,sadly it is common for people to come to meetings because family are on their back,but for whatever reason they carry on drinking.

You can call Al-anon and get help for yourself.You are doing the right thing in asking him to leave the family home.

Sorry, but he doesn't want to stop.

He just wants to keep on stringing you along with empty promises.

It's time to plan to separate, and to show your children that you are willing to put them first. Give yourself a deadline by which you and the children will be free of the chokehold.

Alcoholism is a disease that keeps on ravaging the family as long as the enabling individual won't get serious about protecting the family.

I’m do sorry.

My Mum gave up booze and stayed off it. The problems didn’t go away though - the things we used to blame the alcohol for were still there to a lesser extent maybe but she’s still a very difficult woman.

Report him to the police next time. No need to argue with him. You are enabling him otherwise, and your children are growing up with an alcoholic. I think you should make plans to free you and your children from this situation. Leave him.

There is absolutely no point him attending AA if he is drinking. That achieves nothing and if he is attending at all he will be lying there too about his sobriety. Being banned may stop him driving, but it might not. If he was the kind of person to care about legalities he wouldn't be driving drunk and risking killing someone.

He is setting your teens a horrible example. He is showing them its ok to drink to excess and ok to get in the car with a driver who's drunk. That could be their friends in a couple of years, drunk at a party and them thinking its ok to get a lift home because thats the standard that's been set. You can say its wrong how ever much you want, but if you stay with him you are normalising his behaviour and showing your children its ok. The standard you walk past is the one you accept. Actions speak way louder than words.

So sorry you are going through this. But no. From personal experience I have yet to see any relationship survive alcoholism and be a healthy, happy relationship. Plenty of people stay together, but they don't thrive. And sometimes, it is the relationship which - unknowingly to all concerned - which keeps the alcoholic drinking through enablement. It is a cruel disease and for the sake of your DC I would walk away. They deserve more.

Yes you’ve all confirmed what I know. Time for the end.
I was the one who called the police on him as soon as I realised.
its how we navigate this next few weeks now. I’d like him to stay away but he’ll want to see kids etc so we will have to manage something. Maybe he stays out 5 nights and stays here 2 nights while I stay out. Until more permanent solution put in place.
Feels like the hardest decision made but still got to tell kids and then work out logistics. Can’t sell house instantly.
Going to be tough financially too, but it’s needed so I need to our big girl pants on and be brave