WWYD- damaging friendship over a cot?

[Honestmummydearest]

This is less of a AIBU and more of a WWYD because I genuinely don’t feel I have BU but would appreciate advice.

A few years ago we had our first born and bought a not inexpensive bedside cot, suitable for the early months. Served us well and when LO was ready, we packed it up and stored it away. A few months later DH’s friends got pregnant. Aware money was tight for them (and knowing I would have loved to have been on the receiving end) we lent it to DH’s friends, making it clear we planned for a second so would need it back at some point. They gratefully accepted.

Fast forward to today, the couple know I am now heavily pregnant with DC2 and whilst I have physically only briefly run into them on a few occasions in the interim, we are in touch via text with pleasantries, updates, birthday wishes etc. They have actively acknowledged how far I am along in my second pregnancy and said of course we can have the cot back ‘soon, but not yet’. We felt awkward pushing this and I still had a few weeks to go at that point so let it drop.

In an effort to force the point, we invited ourselves over yesterday and arrived with baby gifts etc even though their LO is now 8 months- this is really the first time we had properly met up. They gave us a tour of the house and I saw they still had the cot (so not sold or damaged) and were still actively using it. They clocked that I’d seen it and again thanked me and said we could have it back for DC2 ‘soon, but not today’.

I subtly dropped into conversation that our first had been out of the cot for several months at their LO’s age and we’d found an age appropriate, larger cot in a second hand shop for £20. They said oh yes, and there are lots of FB marketplace- they would pick one up. Soon, but not today.

I reminded that at this stage in both our respective earlier pregnancies our babies had already been born and I am expecting this one to be early too. Much head nodding and acknowledgment but no offer of when we’ll get the cot back.

I don’t believe there is any malice here- just perhaps a short sightedness on this couple’s part. I am disappointed, though, that we are being taken advantage of and have asked DH to message with an exact date in the coming week when he will be over to pick up the cot. Concerned we’ll get the same response: ‘Soon, but not yet’ and that I’ll go into labour without a cot for our newborn.

I’m not sure how much more direct I can be with them, without being rude. They are DH’s friends really and I am loathe to damage the friendship he has but have told him it’s on him to sort this out now. He needs to have a frank conversation with them, but in his defence, it’s not like either of us have been overly subtle!

AIBU/WWYD?

Not yet 😤 Do not apologize to these people, you’ve done nothing wrong & they’re taking liberties. Turn up on the doorstep, walk right in whilst saying that you’ve come to get your babies cot. No matter what they say, whip off the sheets … whilst ignoring them, just like they’ve been ignoring you.

Nothing in OP post indicates they’ve asked for it back
the people they’ve lent it too acknowledged they’d need it back soon

The advice posted by @RethinkingLife from the Lullaby Trust suggests it only applies to mattresses from outside the home so it would be OK to reuse the same one for subsequent children.

For what it's worth, we borrowed a Next to Me crib from friends and reused their mattress for both our children. We're in France and I never heard that advice here. But our children both much preferred to cosleep anyway so if we had bought them each a new mattress it would barely have been slept on.

I did wonder if it was the firmness, that’s the only thing which could make sense to me. Slightly softer, baby is now in a little dip, turns head to the side and breaths in more carbon dioxide if exhaled breath sits in the dip? Still sounds far fetched. I do wonder if there actually isn’t a causitive link. But just families who use second hand mattresses might be more likely to have other things in the house which increase the risk? But still not sure what that might be. Would be interesting to see if parents who smoke are more likely to use second hand mattresses?

OK re-reading the posts it appears you are right, they need to be more direct.

But seriously, what kind of idiot doesn't get the hint after discussing the fact that the OP needs her crib back imminently, three or four times?

The first time should have been the kick up the arse they needed to go and buy their child a cot. They're just being CFs now.

We need the cot now. Dh will pick it up tom.
Simple

I would text them and say you are at that stage of pregnancy where you would like to have ready for the baby and if they don’t give the cot back this week, you will have to go and buy a new one.

(I actually would buy a new one and wouldn’t use a mattress that another baby had used anyway.)

This puts the ball back into their court and they will have to decide this week if they value your friendship or not. All the best.

@MargotBamborough they're not idiots. I don't think they intend to give back the cot.

Op, just tell them you're going to pick up the cot on X date. They're taking the piss.

True, @BlastedPimples.

Alternatively they could say, "Hey, so, we need a cot NOW for our new baby. Let us know whether you are planning to give it back to us or whether you would like to buy it off us for £200 so we can get a new one. We will be round tomorrow evening to pick up either the cot or the £200."

Don’t give then either/or options if you don’t really mean it, just tell them simply and politely what needs to happen, or tell them to keep it so it’s not left dragging on for weeks for both parties.

Don’t give yourself this stress when you’re heavily pregnant, it’s not worth it.

You just tell them when you're picking up the cot. "Hi, Glad you and the LO have made use of the cot. For our own arrival planning we want to collect the cot by X date, because we will stress about our baby's arrival otherwise."
Don't "not" say anything, because you're afraid of confrontation. Say clearly what you want to see if there is going to be a confrontation. Because at the end of the day, it is just a cot.
But is husband not supportive? I can't imagine my husband not moving heaven and earth to make sure I was supported during pregnancy. Everyone knows how stressed pregnant mothers can get and it's not good for the unborn child.

@RethinkingLife
Thank you for that information. It does make sense.

They are incredibly selfish and I wouldn't even call them friends
Regardless of the age of their DC they should have given it back as soon as your pregnancy was evident
They've had 8 months use of it, because of your kind loan!
They realise you need it back, but don't care enough to actually do anything for their DC
I would be fuming, you and DH are being way too nice about it
Be direct and say you'll be collecting it on x date as your baby is imminent
Give them 48 hours to organise something else( they can buy secondhand again if necessary)
Do not stress about this at your stage of pregnancy
I think you should send the text from DH's phone today as you saw them yesterday

Have you said anything yet? They know what the deal was. Say your DH will be round to dismantle and collect it tomorrow.

It sounds like you're being too subtle, you can definitely be more direct without being rude. Just text and say you need it back as you're starting to get things ready for your new baby. If they still say not yet, just say 'no sorry I know you're still using it but we need it back now as baby could arrive any day etc...'

To those saying we haven’t explicitly asked- I can assure you, we have. As per my OP they responded ‘of course, but not yet’ 🙄

And I lent it without the mattress - they bought their own. I was actually intending to reuse the mattress for DC2. Sounds like some might disagree with that, but ultimately it’s my choice.

You need to send a text so it’s in writing.

“ Hey, we need our cot back by Friday otherwise I’m going to have to ask that you pay for a new replacement as we now need it back as per the arrangement when we let you borrow it. “

You need to let them know that "not yet" has to have an end date, probably the end of this week.

In that case you need to remind them of their text and insist that time has now come. Dh will therefore collect at x time on y date.

They don't get to decide when you take back your property.

The nerve. "Not yet." Incredible.

FFS. These people are CF. Do not be worried about offending them as they clearly have thick skin.

Give them a text with a clear date and time.

Look OP it is unpleasant and completely cheeky of them to return your good deed like this. They simply do not care about your family. They do not care that your pregnancy may end at any moment and your baby doesn't have a bed because they are refusing to return your property to you. You either want the bed back now for your baby or you admit that you dislike conflict to much and buy yourself another bed. You do not need the extra work of getting a bed for your baby when they are already here!

Option 1- DH will be round to collect bed on Tuesday. End of.

Option two- buy a new bed. I would love to say that this comes with expecting them to reimburse you but if you can't be firm enough about getting the bed back, then getting money from them is a lost cause.

To be clear there is no friendship to lose here. Friends don't leave their babies without beds to sleep in.

How on earth is their 8mo still fitting in there!?!?!?

We were one of the last of our friends to move our (relatively small) 6mo into his proper cot, but we waited until he had completely and absolutely outgrown the next2me (mainly because he wasn't a great sleeper so we were worried about the transition into his own room as no space for the full size cot in our room). He is now 8mo and I honestly can't imagine how he would ever be able to still fit in there!

We now have the opposite problem to you but equally as annoying!... we borrowed the next2me from a relative (new - through marriage), we're now desperate to give it back as we have no need for it and nowhere to store it, but we are getting completely ghosted!! The owners clearly don't want it back clogging up space in their own house, so are hoping we'll just give up and keep it until such time that they need it for baby 2 and then i'm sure we'll finally get a message asking for it back 🙄 Feel like selling it out of spite!!

But you haven't explicitly asked. You haven't said, 'we will be picking the cot up on X date.' Why not?

Which is why there’s no way I’d be as nice as some of these people on here. Not yet?! CF’ers. They’re probably expecting OP will let them keep the bedside cot.

OP’s DH as the friend here should be stepping up and getting this item or buying another one at his u own expense.