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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD- damaging friendship over a cot?

392 replies

Honestmummydearest · 15/10/2023 05:50

This is less of a AIBU and more of a WWYD because I genuinely don’t feel I have BU but would appreciate advice.

A few years ago we had our first born and bought a not inexpensive bedside cot, suitable for the early months. Served us well and when LO was ready, we packed it up and stored it away. A few months later DH’s friends got pregnant. Aware money was tight for them (and knowing I would have loved to have been on the receiving end) we lent it to DH’s friends, making it clear we planned for a second so would need it back at some point. They gratefully accepted.

Fast forward to today, the couple know I am now heavily pregnant with DC2 and whilst I have physically only briefly run into them on a few occasions in the interim, we are in touch via text with pleasantries, updates, birthday wishes etc. They have actively acknowledged how far I am along in my second pregnancy and said of course we can have the cot back ‘soon, but not yet’. We felt awkward pushing this and I still had a few weeks to go at that point so let it drop.

In an effort to force the point, we invited ourselves over yesterday and arrived with baby gifts etc even though their LO is now 8 months- this is really the first time we had properly met up. They gave us a tour of the house and I saw they still had the cot (so not sold or damaged) and were still actively using it. They clocked that I’d seen it and again thanked me and said we could have it back for DC2 ‘soon, but not today’.

I subtly dropped into conversation that our first had been out of the cot for several months at their LO’s age and we’d found an age appropriate, larger cot in a second hand shop for £20. They said oh yes, and there are lots of FB marketplace- they would pick one up. Soon, but not today.

I reminded that at this stage in both our respective earlier pregnancies our babies had already been born and I am expecting this one to be early too. Much head nodding and acknowledgment but no offer of when we’ll get the cot back.

I don’t believe there is any malice here- just perhaps a short sightedness on this couple’s part. I am disappointed, though, that we are being taken advantage of and have asked DH to message with an exact date in the coming week when he will be over to pick up the cot. Concerned we’ll get the same response: ‘Soon, but not yet’ and that I’ll go into labour without a cot for our newborn.

I’m not sure how much more direct I can be with them, without being rude. They are DH’s friends really and I am loathe to damage the friendship he has but have told him it’s on him to sort this out now. He needs to have a frank conversation with them, but in his defence, it’s not like either of us have been overly subtle!

AIBU/WWYD?

OP posts:
GonnaGetGoingReturns · 15/10/2023 21:33

OhmygodDont · 15/10/2023 17:24

You need to send a text so it’s in writing.

“ Hey, we need our cot back by Friday otherwise I’m going to have to ask that you pay for a new replacement as we now need it back as per the arrangement when we let you borrow it. “

No not “need”! I want and am coming to collect MY cot at x time, have this item ready for me. Niceties can come after this.

Tigger1895 · 15/10/2023 21:38

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath · 15/10/2023 05:58

You shouldn't have lent it to them if you were planning to have another baby so soon! If theirs is only 8 months I would expect them to be in a cot for another year at least. Surely yours will be in a Moses basket for a few months also?
In principle of course you need your cot back but in reality you haven't helped them at all if they now need to go and replace the cot because you need it back before they have finished with it.

It wasn’t a cot, it was an early months crib

MargotBamborough · 15/10/2023 22:16

onthenightfeed · 15/10/2023 21:19

How on earth is their 8mo still fitting in there!?!?!?

We were one of the last of our friends to move our (relatively small) 6mo into his proper cot, but we waited until he had completely and absolutely outgrown the next2me (mainly because he wasn't a great sleeper so we were worried about the transition into his own room as no space for the full size cot in our room). He is now 8mo and I honestly can't imagine how he would ever be able to still fit in there!

We now have the opposite problem to you but equally as annoying!... we borrowed the next2me from a relative (new - through marriage), we're now desperate to give it back as we have no need for it and nowhere to store it, but we are getting completely ghosted!! The owners clearly don't want it back clogging up space in their own house, so are hoping we'll just give up and keep it until such time that they need it for baby 2 and then i'm sure we'll finally get a message asking for it back 🙄 Feel like selling it out of spite!!

Lol yes, same.

I keep tripping over our friends' Next to Me crib which they lent us for both our kids.

They're in absolutely no hurry for it back.

Fiddie · 16/10/2023 07:29

I would text to say DH will be over tomorrow to get it.

I would buy a new mattress too for your second baby as your first one used it.

BlastedPimples · 16/10/2023 07:57

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath
You shouldn't have lent it to them if you were planning to have another baby so soon! If theirs is only 8 months I would expect them to be in a cot for another year at least. Surely yours will be in a Moses basket for a few months also?
In principle of course you need your cot back but in reality you haven't helped them at all if they now need to go and replace the cot because you need it back before they have finished with it.

Nonsense and codswallop.

It's your property to do with as you wish. If you'd changed your mind a month later then that's your prerogative.

pictoosh · 16/10/2023 08:14

See this is why lending or borrowing or even swapping items doesn't appeal to me at all, except for in theory. In theory it all works out and everyone is happy.

Bloody annoying to have someone hold on to your property when you need it.
Also bloody annoying to have an item that is currently in use taken away.

I bought second hand and took useful donations gratefully but I never accepted or offered a loan of anything. I don't want to look after someone else's stuff and if I ever gave anyone anything I was prepared to lose it.

Pain in the arse, this.

pictoosh · 16/10/2023 08:37

Oh and also, what happens when a mishap befalls an item you've borrowed and it ends up damaged or even done for? You've got to replace like for like haven't you? Totally defeats the point of saving money by borrowing an item in the first place. Might as well have bought one yourself to begin with.

As demonstrated, this stuff is friendship destroying.

PuzzledObserver · 16/10/2023 13:18

@MargotBamborough and @onthenightfeed surely the solution in your case is as follows:

”Dear relative/friend - thank you so much for the loan of the Next2Me, it has been great. LO has now outgrown it, and we really don’t have space to store it. Can you suggest a time when it would be convenient for us to bring it back to yours? Alternatively, if you don’t want it back I’d be happy to advertise it on fb marketplace and send you the proceeds.”

MargotBamborough · 16/10/2023 13:27

PuzzledObserver · 16/10/2023 13:18

@MargotBamborough and @onthenightfeed surely the solution in your case is as follows:

”Dear relative/friend - thank you so much for the loan of the Next2Me, it has been great. LO has now outgrown it, and we really don’t have space to store it. Can you suggest a time when it would be convenient for us to bring it back to yours? Alternatively, if you don’t want it back I’d be happy to advertise it on fb marketplace and send you the proceeds.”

You're right, but it's not that big a deal and in our case they were the ones who did us a favour by lending it to us twice in the first place.

I might well ask if they want me to advertise it for sale and give them the proceeds.

GrimGrinningGhosts · 16/10/2023 14:00

I don't know if it's just in my area, but those next to me cribs sell for very little on local groups, many are free to collect. My daughter in law picked up a free one for her sister a couple of weeks ago.

If they really want to keep using that style, against guidelines, they could pick up a replacement very cheaply. There are two listed for free and several for £20 and under listed on marketplace as I type.

Cheeky fuckers.

martinisforeveryone · 16/10/2023 14:11

Third page in and I'm only repeating what so many others have said, but so often I read on MN where posters say someone's demanded or insisted or just ignored them and it's as though the poster has absolutely no agency in their own life.

When someone rebuffs what you ask for with no firm conclusion you absolutely have to make a statement, not ask a question, be vague or leave any grey areas.

Similar to previous suggested messages include, pleased you found the next2 useful, as discussed on X we want it back now and will be round to collect at Y on Z day or? give a second alternative there. Our baby's arrival is imminent so I'll come on Zday unless you let me know you prefer the alternative. See you then.

housethatbuiltme · 16/10/2023 14:59

PenguinRainbows · 15/10/2023 11:28

I did read the thread properly.

My first fit in her bedside cot until she was 1. Obviously OP’s friend’s baby also still fits in theirs at 8 months as OP said they were actively using it.

Show quote history

Using a next to me at 1 year old is Darwin award level stupid... I certainly wouldn't go around bragging that I put my child in danger in an attempt to make a lazy point.

The fact you are attempting to suggesting other do this too as if it is normal is laughable.

MargotBamborough · 16/10/2023 15:23

housethatbuiltme · 16/10/2023 14:59

Using a next to me at 1 year old is Darwin award level stupid... I certainly wouldn't go around bragging that I put my child in danger in an attempt to make a lazy point.

The fact you are attempting to suggesting other do this too as if it is normal is laughable.

Show quote history

Yes, my son was a lazy potato but had outgrown his well before 6 months.

My daughter is 9 months old and is not only too big but would launch herself out of it onto the floor in about five seconds flat if we tried to put her in it now.

redribbonrose · 16/10/2023 18:18

They’re idiots. they did to get online to argos and buy a cot

how dare they

time to get very firm!

redribbonrose · 16/10/2023 18:19

At the very least, they could buy a cheap travel cot if they’re skint

Autumnleaves89 · 16/10/2023 18:22

Give them a finite date. “Hi, I’ll be collecting the cot next Tuesday, we really need it back now. Giving you a heads up so you have time to sort a replacement 😊 “ done.

nomadmummy · 16/10/2023 18:29

I once lent a friend a laptop and when I asked for it back she couriered it to my new job. Never heard a word from her again.

Lesson learned - not everyone feels good about getting a loaner and then being asked to give it back. If you don’t commit to a date on the outset and them do what you’re doing….she’d probably get a lot of Mumsnet sympathy if she posted her own thread.

Zerosleep · 16/10/2023 18:59

Personally I would just buy another one as I wouldn’t want to use one that someone else had used with my new baby. Appreciate that not everyone has the money to spend.

I personally don’t give things I expect back to others either as people are just unreliable and don’t have the same standards, I have been disappointed with this kind of thing in the past.

Springingintosummer · 16/10/2023 19:08

I would get your DH to say you kindly loaned them your expensive cot but now need it back and DH will be going to pick it up on a date and time he puts in the message. Get him to take the tools he needs to dismantle it that day. There is no option such as “not yet” - just go.

and remember to not lend anything again you can’t afford to lose or get damaged.

JustAnotherManicMomday · 16/10/2023 19:11

I'm reading it as it's a bedside crib that goes against the parents bed to drop the side down, not a full size cot for toddler years but something you should not be using once the child sits up as they could pull themselves up and fall out.

wildwestpioneer · 16/10/2023 19:12

Autumnleaves89 · 16/10/2023 18:22

Give them a finite date. “Hi, I’ll be collecting the cot next Tuesday, we really need it back now. Giving you a heads up so you have time to sort a replacement 😊 “ done.

This.

Emotionalsupportviper · 16/10/2023 19:12

BlastedPimples · 16/10/2023 07:57

GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath
You shouldn't have lent it to them if you were planning to have another baby so soon! If theirs is only 8 months I would expect them to be in a cot for another year at least. Surely yours will be in a Moses basket for a few months also?
In principle of course you need your cot back but in reality you haven't helped them at all if they now need to go and replace the cot because you need it back before they have finished with it.

Nonsense and codswallop.

It's your property to do with as you wish. If you'd changed your mind a month later then that's your prerogative.

Agree - plus, sometimes babies are conceived sooner than expected.

OP ,right have been thinking - "Well, it took 6 months before we struck lucky with the other two" and allowed the same period of time to allow for conception of this one - and it happened straight away.

But either way, it's their cot and they are entitled to it back. Full stop.

Namerequired · 16/10/2023 19:14

Is it still going to be in good condition? They shouldn’t still be using that with an 8mth old, unless they are tiny. I would give them a date you are coming round for it and no movement on it. Could you maybe source a cot they could pick up and send them it (the listing, not the cot)

Sennelier1 · 16/10/2023 19:18

@GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath it's not a regular cot those friends borrowed, it's a bedside-cot, can be adjusted to the height of the parents'bed and opened on one side so baby is within handreach but not cosleeping. Usually for the first 2 or 3 months, they should have gotten their child in a regular cot months ago and given back this babybed 🤷🏼‍♀️

Grrrrdarling · 16/10/2023 19:33

@GiveMeCakeOrGiveMeDeath
This cot sounds like a beside me one that babies are only meant to be in until 6months old at latest, as it is not meant for long term use like a big solid cot & it is not at all safe once they start rolling over or sitting up 😬 .
It is literally a Posh Moses basket with a drop down side.
At 8months DH’s ‘friends’ should have a regular cot for their baby.