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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know if baby is invited to the wedding

62 replies

Mamaof1DD · 14/10/2023 23:51

DD was born in May.

My friend from uni is getting married in April four hours away from where we live.

My husband and I were sent a Save the Date in April addressed to both of us by name.

DD is currently EBF, obviously by April she’ll be having solids but I hope to keep feeding her a few times a day, and definitely to sleep.

Because of where the venue is, there’s not a hotel handy nearby for my parents to stay in and look after DD so I could pop back and forth to feed (nearest hotel other than onsite is 20 mins drive). I don’t want to leave her overnight four hours away from us (would be two nights most likely).

I don’t know if DD is invited to the wedding and I don’t really want to ask as I know my friend is stressed about the planning etc.

Do I assume she’s not invited as she wasn’t named on the invite (although at that point, she wasn’t born), and subsequently reject the invite, or do I have to bite the bullet and ask (if so, how do I word it in a casual, no stress to her way?!).

I might be missing something really obvious, but first time mum so sorry if I’m being ridiculous!

TIA!

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 14/10/2023 23:53

Honestly, I think you're going to have to ask. We could all make guesses, but that is all they'd be.

delphi13 · 14/10/2023 23:54

I mean, just ask!

Just say? Quick question re invite, can I bring my baby or is the wedding a kid free zone? Just trying to work out the arrangements.

Really looking forward to it. Hope the planning is going well.

Xx

YourNameGoesHere · 14/10/2023 23:55

Honestly just ask. Literally no one on here can give you the correct answer as we are not the bride and groom.

I would assume she will be invited once they send actual invites but obviously they didn't include her on the save the date as she hadn't been born yet.

Nevertheless the only way you can know for sure is to ask.

Turnthelightoff · 14/10/2023 23:55

Ask but please just call her and ask. No amount of pouring over the perfectly worded text can substitute for just having a flowing conversation.

Lotta0 · 14/10/2023 23:56

Wait til you get the actual invite, it'll say if it's no kids

Gillyyy · 14/10/2023 23:58

Do you need to know now for sorting accommodation or something? I would wait until your invitation comes as that will answer the question.

You could message the bride but it might seem a bit like you’re angling for your baby to be invited, even if that’s not the case! If you don’t need to know I’d wait for the invite.

HarperMae · 14/10/2023 23:59

In your situation I'd decline. The invite would likely have been addressed to baby as well. Me personally I'd go and get her minded, but if you still want to ebf by then then I'd just decline and give my reason.

DappledThings · 15/10/2023 00:00

Just ask. Anybody who is so stressed by a bit of wedding planning they can't cope with a quick question by text is being ridiculous.

Someone will be along in a minute to tell you are outrageously rude to even ask. You aren't. Demanding is rude, any kind of guilt tripping is rude, turning up without checking would be rude. Asking politely is absolutely not rude.

Original poster
Mamaof1DD · 15/10/2023 00:00

Sorry yes I’m thinking about it now because of accommodation!

OP posts:
Lizzieregina · 15/10/2023 00:04

i agree with wait for the invitation to see if it clarifies. If it doesn’t specifically say “no kids” but your daughter isn’t named, then I’d decline and say that unfortunately due to EBF that you can’t leave your baby, at which point the bride might say that you can bring her, or she might say she’s sorry you can’t make it. I wouldn’t put her in the position of having to say no to you.

However, by then your little one will be 11 months and could certainly be left with gran unless you specifically don’t want to leave her. If she was 11 weeks, I’d understand that you really couldn’t leave her but 11 months is quite different.

Babyenroute · 15/10/2023 00:04

I would presume that baby not invited. Could you express milk for baby? My son is breastfed too so always pick the nearby hotel option since my parents have been kind enough to watch him. Also remember that your baby will be 11 months old by then so will be nearing the toddler phase and might be crawling/ walking about the place- DH and I both agreed that bringing our son along would be really stressful for all!

pizzaHeart · 15/10/2023 00:07

just ask in a neutral way
Quick question re invite, can I bring my baby or is the wedding a kid free zone? Just trying to work out the arrangements.
This^ text from @delphi13 is a good one. I wouldn’t put that you were looking forward to the wedding or anything similar in case if you needed to decline for childcare reasons.

Original poster
Mamaof1DD · 15/10/2023 00:07

@Lizzieregina I think if it were closer, we’d definitely leave her, but 4 hours away and two nights just doesn’t sit right with us (aware we’re probably being a bit precious but still!)

OP posts:
Lizzieregina · 15/10/2023 00:09

@Mamaof1DD Not precious at all! I didn’t love leaving my small kids with most people. My two sisters or my BFF only!! And never for 2 nights!

Original poster
Mamaof1DD · 15/10/2023 00:17

@Babyenroute very good points, thank you! I would definitely be able to express, and you’re right about her being a tricky age, but I definitely don’t want to leave her for two nights.

This part of parenthood is the bit nobody warns you about haha!

OP posts:
Lizzt2007 · 15/10/2023 00:20

If so far you've only had a save the date then you're jumping the gun asking about baby. You need to wait for the invite and see what it says. If you're looking at accommodation then maybe look for one with a cancellation policy so you can book now but not lose money if you decide not to go.

onthenightfeed · 15/10/2023 00:22

Mamaof1DD · 15/10/2023 00:07

@Lizzieregina I think if it were closer, we’d definitely leave her, but 4 hours away and two nights just doesn’t sit right with us (aware we’re probably being a bit precious but still!)

Could your parents come and stay in the area too? They'd get a little weekend away and special time with their DGC and you're not spending any 'night's' away, just the day/evening of the wedding.

By 11 months if they're attending any kind of childcare (or going to be starting soon) they'll surely be used to expressed milk/being away from you for periods of time. And even if you're a SAHM, I think little breaks for time apart is actually really good for all involved.

I've been to weddings with and without my DS and it's definitely less enjoyable with! Enjoy a day off and let your hair down OP xx

surreygirl1987 · 15/10/2023 00:23

I think if it were closer, we’d definitely leave her, but 4 hours away and two nights just doesn’t sit right with us (aware we’re probably being a bit precious but still!)

No problem at all with not wanting to leave your baby, but she'll be very nearly 1 by then, so I wouldn't use exclusive breastfeeding as the reason as that's not really it is it - it's that you don't want to leave her. Which is fair enough of course.

If I were you I'd wait until the invitation actually arrives. But keep the date free. That'a what a Save the Date us for anyway.

Snugglemonkey · 15/10/2023 00:24

DappledThings · 15/10/2023 00:00

Just ask. Anybody who is so stressed by a bit of wedding planning they can't cope with a quick question by text is being ridiculous.

Someone will be along in a minute to tell you are outrageously rude to even ask. You aren't. Demanding is rude, any kind of guilt tripping is rude, turning up without checking would be rude. Asking politely is absolutely not rude.

This. It is an important question from a logistical perspective. Just ask.

Wheelz46 · 15/10/2023 00:26

If you are not comfortable asking, I would assume the baby is not invited. When I was getting married, we did invite children and we had a friend who was expecting but would have had baby at the time of our marriage so I popped on the invite Mr & Mrs X and Bump.

Appreciate not everyone would think that but ultimately, I think you should just ask, you could always just say something along, "thank you so much for the invite, just checking if baby is invited too as will need to see if can make alternative arrangement". Then if she says no, you leave it awhile and if you are not comfortabe leaving baby, you just say, nobody is available. Or if you prefer honesty then just adapt the message accordingly.

Shelby2010 · 15/10/2023 00:32

At that age it’s less about the breastfeeding & more about (quite reasonably) not wanting to leave the baby for that long.

I think you should speak to your friend, no point her planning on you being there if it’s child-free. To be fair, it’s likely to be pretty stressful taking a baby that age to a wedding anyway.

crostini · 15/10/2023 00:46

I think it actually still IS about breastfeeding.
Many mums who don't feed for an evening and then night at 11 months would end up with huge rock solid, painful and leaking breast. Expressing at a wedding does not sound practical or enjoyable.

LaviniasBigBloomers · 15/10/2023 01:07

Book the most convenient accommodation with a cancellation policy that suits. The actual invitation will show if the baby is invited or not, and at that point you can make a decision - baby is too new to know what you actually might want to do next spring.

surreygirl1987 · 15/10/2023 08:46

I think it actually still IS about breastfeeding.

She literally said:
I think if it were closer, we’d definitely leave her

MariaVT65 · 15/10/2023 08:57

I would wait for the actual invite, and see how you feel nearer the time.

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