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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not know if baby is invited to the wedding

62 replies

Mamaof1DD · 14/10/2023 23:51

DD was born in May.

My friend from uni is getting married in April four hours away from where we live.

My husband and I were sent a Save the Date in April addressed to both of us by name.

DD is currently EBF, obviously by April she’ll be having solids but I hope to keep feeding her a few times a day, and definitely to sleep.

Because of where the venue is, there’s not a hotel handy nearby for my parents to stay in and look after DD so I could pop back and forth to feed (nearest hotel other than onsite is 20 mins drive). I don’t want to leave her overnight four hours away from us (would be two nights most likely).

I don’t know if DD is invited to the wedding and I don’t really want to ask as I know my friend is stressed about the planning etc.

Do I assume she’s not invited as she wasn’t named on the invite (although at that point, she wasn’t born), and subsequently reject the invite, or do I have to bite the bullet and ask (if so, how do I word it in a casual, no stress to her way?!).

I might be missing something really obvious, but first time mum so sorry if I’m being ridiculous!

TIA!

OP posts:
fieldsatnightfall · 15/10/2023 09:17

Yes I would just casually ask. Via a phone call.

It's nice to see the supportive message on this thread though. Another poster asked the same question this week and has been relentlessly torn to shreds about it.

NutellaNut · 15/10/2023 09:39

For heavens sake, just ask!

Berthatydfil · 15/10/2023 09:45

Agree with a pp. Its only a save the date card you dont know what the invite will say or even if you actually get an invite at all once they have checked their entire guest list ie who is named on it, it is the whole thing or evening only etc.

LittleMonks11 · 15/10/2023 09:50

We were invited to an 'only close family kids' wedding in Scotland (we live south England) when DC was about 12 months. We politely declined. But you need to ask. It's a fair question.

NotChristmasAlready · 15/10/2023 10:25

Just ask if your DD is invited because you're thinking about arrangements. There is no pressure in that questions. You can then decide whether to go or not. I wouldn't have gone in your situation without baby.

cartagenagina · 15/10/2023 10:30

Well if the invitations haven’t been sent, they may not have decided on whether babies can attend yet.

I think you should wait, and if baby is not invited, decline politely because of needing to BF. At that point, bride can easily say “of course I understand and baby can attend” or “that’s a shame but understand “

ShirleyPhallus · 15/10/2023 10:32

This is one of those questions that absolutely no one on MN can answer

By 11 months though I wouldn’t want to take a baby with me to the wedding. She’ll likely be at that cruising phase where you have to walk them around all the time hunched over. Not a fun way to spend a wedding!

Warum · 15/10/2023 10:41

While the 'save the date' card indicates you are going to be invited, to at least part of the wedding, it isn't actually an invite, so I think it's a bit premature to ask about who is included on the invite you haven't actually got yet! As soon as you do get the invite it may well become obvious who is invited and who isn't - if it's just you and your partner's name then you can decline at that point, but wish them well. Tell them why you are declining, but word it tactfully, so they know you aren't making any sort of veiled criticism about children/babies not being included.

ExperiencedTeacher · 15/10/2023 11:05

Side issue but for me it absolutely was still about breastfeeding at 11 months. We attended a wedding (with 11 month old) and my mum picked him up in the evening so we could let our hair down a bit. I fed him before he went and was away from him about 13 hours and was in agony by the time I got back to him. The OP has said it would be two nights away. I couldn’t have gone that long without feeding him. I was never able to express (boobs just didn’t work without a baby attached) and so that wasn’t an option either. If the wedding were closer OP would be able to get back to her little one for a feed.

As I say, side issue. I wouldn’t have left my 11 month old for two nights. I hated doing it for one.

OP, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask.

Maddy70 · 15/10/2023 11:45

I would assume not. If your baby hasn't been named on the invitation it isn't invited.

Please don't ask. That's so crass. Ask your mum off she would have baby. You can express milk for it. Enjoy a childfree time

YourNameGoesHere · 15/10/2023 12:58

Maddy70 · 15/10/2023 11:45

I would assume not. If your baby hasn't been named on the invitation it isn't invited.

Please don't ask. That's so crass. Ask your mum off she would have baby. You can express milk for it. Enjoy a childfree time

The op hasn't received an invite yet and the baby hadn't even been born when the save the date was sent so it probably didn't even cross their mind to add and baby to the save the date.

Clarifying in advance of booking the accommodation is not crass it's just common sense.

Torganer · 15/10/2023 13:14

Agree 11m at a wedding would be a nightmare! I would have felt ok being away for one night. If you don’t feel you can leave them, then the couple will understand though.

MasterBeth · 15/10/2023 13:18

Maddy70 · 15/10/2023 11:45

I would assume not. If your baby hasn't been named on the invitation it isn't invited.

Please don't ask. That's so crass. Ask your mum off she would have baby. You can express milk for it. Enjoy a childfree time

It's not at all crass. It's perfectly sensible, reasonable and polite.

DinnaeFashYersel · 15/10/2023 13:20

At 11 baby will likely only bf a few times a day and should be able to take a bottle of express's milk.

I'd go to the wedding and leave baby at home with your parents.

You e tons of time to get expressed milk supplies built up and baby will be on 3 meals a day

AlltheFs · 15/10/2023 13:21

I love how everyone assumes that every breastfeeding woman can express. I couldn’t.

There’s no way I could leave my DD at that age, she was BF only direct from
the breast. 2 nights away was impossible.

daliesque · 15/10/2023 13:25

Lotta0 · 14/10/2023 23:56

Wait til you get the actual invite, it'll say if it's no kids

This. And if it is, decline and say why. If she wants your baby there, she will say so.

BeeDavis · 15/10/2023 13:30

This is exactly why I made sure to put that the wedding was child free on our save the dates.

burnoutbabe · 15/10/2023 13:34

To be fair in 11 months time you could have had another baby!

I'd just wait for an invite and book accommodation near the time. You may be evening only and not worth the bother of attending 4 hours away anyway..

Florin · 15/10/2023 13:39

We have had this twice and both times have had to enquire. First time it was confirmed baby was not invited as they wanted us to have some time off parenting. Baby was a year and the same as you it would have been 2 nights away and we were not ready for this so we said we didn’t have childcare (we could of had some) and politely declined. The next time child was 8 just dh and my name on the save the date and we politely enquired this time he could have been looked after so said fine either way but just so we could plan. Bride that time said don’t be silly of course child invited it was a completely child focused wedding and most people there would have kids, it was our kids first wedding and our child had a complete ball.

happylittlesloth · 15/10/2023 13:40

I don’t really want to ask as I know my friend is stressed about the planning etc. don't be ridiculous. Just send a text, say is it just you and partner or is baby invited too? So you can plan.

Fixyourself · 15/10/2023 13:56

An 11 month old at an old wedding will be a huge pain! You can leave an ebf baby for the day. They will nap without it fine.

I have ebf all 3 of my kids and have never had an issue leaving them at this age for the day.

Robinni · 15/10/2023 13:57

This is a very personal thing.

For me, I went on a girls trip when baby was 6 months old for two nights, brought a pump to express every 4hrs and left a freezer drawer full of milk for DH to feed baby.

I was back to work at 9m and baby was on formula from then, followed by cows milk at 1 year.

Your baby is now 6 months and will be nearly a year by the point of the wedding. Baby will not be having as much milk by then, and should be sleeping through the night.

I would contact your friend and ask if it’s possible to bring the baby as that would be ideal.

If they say no then tell her you wouldn’t be able to confirm until closer to the time as it depends on the baby’s feeding schedule/availability of childcare by that point.

On the bright side you have plenty of time to start expressing and get baby used to taking from bottle. And to trial baby staying with a grandparent for a night.

For your own sanity I would advise this anyway, wedding or no, because you will need more help/flexibility when you are back to work and start to re engage with adult time such as date nights, nights with friends and so on.

JessicaFletcherMSW · 15/10/2023 14:03

We took our eldest to a wedding they were also invited to at around 11 months. I really enjoyed it! Surely if you’re close enough to be invited to the wedding you’re close enough to just ask?! I would send a text rather than call and ask so they can think about it if it hadn’t occurred to them before they reply.

xyz111 · 15/10/2023 14:10

Just ask. If she wasn't even born when the save the dates came out, then you can't know for sure.

Hibiscrubbed · 15/10/2023 14:40

I think you’re going to have to ask. Just say you’re making plans around accommodation and as it’s likely to her so nights, you want to know if the kid is invited.

I would have jumped at the chance to be child responsibility-free for two nights, but we’re all different. 😬