Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell Ex he isn't having the kids tonight

67 replies

GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 17:29

Although ex is good in a sense that he regularly sees the children and takes them overnight every weekend, I feel he is taking the piss!

He used to pick them up at 11am Saturday morning but this has gradually gone to 12, 1pm, 2pm, 3pm, 4pm over the past year or so. I spend my Saturday waiting for him. He plays football and says every week he will text me what time he is finishing the night before. He never does. Sometimes his GF will tell me she will collect them at a certain time and then rocks up 3 hours later after they've been ready and waiting for hours.

A few weeks ago he rang at 5 and said he was leaving the pub, he had went for drinks after football and would pick them up on the way home. I told him in no uncertain terms was he driving with my children in the car after drinking and I dropped them off myself.

Today once again I've waited in all day for a text off him or gf. At 5 I put the kids tea in the oven and his gf texts to say she is passing in a min and do I want her to get them. I said thanks but I've just put their tea in the oven. She said no worries she will txt ex to collect on his way back from football. He texts me ten mins later to say he is leaving the pub and have the kids finished eating? I say no. Forget it and get them tomorrow.

Once again, football and drinking have come before his children and I'm fed up bending over backwards to accommodate him. We have nothing planned this evening but the kids don't like going anyway as he watches TV while they are left to their own devices bored in the house all day but I am trying to keep a relationship going between them!

His gf has txt me a few more times on his behalf and I have replied saying not to worry about it as I don't want to get at her, its his fault. AIBU to tell him a flat out no if he rocks up?

OP posts:
SoEffingGrumpy · 14/10/2023 17:38

YANBU. Going there for the sake of him saying he does his bit, when all he does is watch tv, must be awful for the kids, but he gets to look (to everyone else) like the good guy.
How old are they?

Original poster
GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 17:38

She has just text me again to say he is home and am I sure I don't want her to come and get them because she was looking forward to seeing them.
I need to reply with final no but don't want to take it out on her! How do I word it assertively but not like I'm spitting my dummy out?

OP posts:
Original poster
GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 17:39

They're 13, 11, 8 and 6

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 17:40

Why don’t you drop and then he drop back?

Soontobe60 · 14/10/2023 17:42

Just say “no thanks, they’re staying here tonight”

Khvdrt · 14/10/2023 17:43

I’d be saying that until he can show actual commitment then don’t bother. It’s a joke really that he puts football above seeing them

BoohooWoohoo · 14/10/2023 17:44

How far away does he live?

Original poster
GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 17:44

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 17:40

Why don’t you drop and then he drop back?

Because I don't particularly want them there when he's pissed.
And I can't drop them off any other week because there is never any communication about when they will be home. They only reply when they're ready to come and get them.
I try to just get on with my day but we can never make plans because I just get a "b there in 5" then I look awkward when I say we are busy.

OP posts:
UpaladderwatchingTV · 14/10/2023 17:45

I think you have reached the point where you need to put your foot down with him OP. If the kids aren't really bothered about seeing him, all he's doing is spoiling your weekend with his selfishness. In your shoes, I'd be telling him that pick up time is 11am, and if he's not there at that point, you'll be going out and taking the kids with you, as you're no longer prepared to facilitate his poor treatment of his children, but what is it that YOU really want to happen?

BoohooWoohoo · 14/10/2023 17:46

Yanbu to want him to commit to a time - even if it is 5pm every time. It's not fair on your or the kids to be waiting in when you could be getting on with your day.
It's shit that the pub is his priority over the kids but yanbu to tell him that picking him after the pub isn't ok.

HamBone · 14/10/2023 17:46

Tell her that they’re settled in for the evening now and that they’d prefer to come over tomorrow.

I’d also say something along the lines of “ I know plans change, but today was awkward, because I had to stay in all day as I had no idea when they were being picked up. Can we arrange a specific time in advance next weekend?”

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 17:49

GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 17:44

Because I don't particularly want them there when he's pissed.
And I can't drop them off any other week because there is never any communication about when they will be home. They only reply when they're ready to come and get them.
I try to just get on with my day but we can never make plans because I just get a "b there in 5" then I look awkward when I say we are busy.

Show quote history

So he really can’t be that decent enough if he knew his ex was dropping at X time and instead wasn’t there and getting pissed.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 17:50

When will he drop back? Tomorrow

He will be pissed now surely having been drinking for hours

For that reason alone it would be a hard no from me

JFDIYOLO · 14/10/2023 17:51

Set a time and stick to it.

Make sure he knows if he's late, you'll all go out. And do it.

He's putting them a poor third after football and drinking.

Understandable you don't want him around them when he's been drinking and absolutely no to driving.

Sounds like the gf is being very amenable, trying to help and keep things nice.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 17:54

Does his girlfriend have children?

endofthelinefinally · 14/10/2023 17:54

The usual advice on MN is always have a plan B. Give him a pick up time, allow 30 minutes grace, then go and do something nice with your DC.
Follow up everything by text or email, not by phone.
Why should your DC spend the day waiting, only to be disappointed?
He sounds absolutely hopeless.

Pinkshoppingbag · 14/10/2023 17:54

Yup, from now on say that if he doesn't pick up by 12pm they will not be available for contact and do something else.

OhmygodDont · 14/10/2023 17:55

I’d just text back.

“Ex can come and collect them tomorrow when his sober. In future we need a concrete time when Ex will be able to collect them Sober on his days, it’s not fair on the children to be left sat waiting around”

if your up for a wee fight. Continues the text “ waiting around for when his decided his had enough beer to then either delegate his responsibility to you or to over the limit to legally drive.”

HamBone · 14/10/2023 17:58

That’s a good point, @OhmygodDont . Even if his gf picks them up, it’s actually their contact time with their father and why should they spend time with a drunk Dad?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 14/10/2023 17:58

I'd reply and say thanks for the offer but they don't cope well with the uncertainty - and changing plans again will not work for them

And then when he has sobered up, see if you can see your ex face to face and tell him the kids are turning down invites with their friends and hobbies etc because they think they are going to see them. Ask him how often he thinks he wants to see them and what consistent time would work best for him. Agree a time eg 4pm every otger saturdat and tell him if he is over half an hour late then you will assume he isn't bothered about seeing them and carry on with your weekends and he won't see them

dancingdaisies · 14/10/2023 17:59

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the request of the poster.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:00

Although ex is good in a sense that he regularly sees the children and takes them overnight every weekend, I feel he is taking the piss!

you and I have very different views on what’s “good” in a father Op

from your op it would seem every time he has contact with them on the weekend he’s either pissed or presumably hungover the next day

saffronsoup · 14/10/2023 18:01

Pinkshoppingbag · 14/10/2023 17:54

Yup, from now on say that if he doesn't pick up by 12pm they will not be available for contact and do something else.

Agreed. Don’t sit around all day waiting for them. Pick up by noon or you are assuming they aren’t coming this weekend. Then go about your day.

it isn’t good for your kids to sit around all day waiting to see if or when he comes. The lack of sobriety is a safety issue.

OhmygodDont · 14/10/2023 18:01

Ex gf has the children overnight at the weekend 😉

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:01

Yuck

i wouldn’t want my children let alone a 6 year old getting in to a car with their dad pissed and stinking out the car