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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To tell Ex he isn't having the kids tonight

67 replies

GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 17:29

Although ex is good in a sense that he regularly sees the children and takes them overnight every weekend, I feel he is taking the piss!

He used to pick them up at 11am Saturday morning but this has gradually gone to 12, 1pm, 2pm, 3pm, 4pm over the past year or so. I spend my Saturday waiting for him. He plays football and says every week he will text me what time he is finishing the night before. He never does. Sometimes his GF will tell me she will collect them at a certain time and then rocks up 3 hours later after they've been ready and waiting for hours.

A few weeks ago he rang at 5 and said he was leaving the pub, he had went for drinks after football and would pick them up on the way home. I told him in no uncertain terms was he driving with my children in the car after drinking and I dropped them off myself.

Today once again I've waited in all day for a text off him or gf. At 5 I put the kids tea in the oven and his gf texts to say she is passing in a min and do I want her to get them. I said thanks but I've just put their tea in the oven. She said no worries she will txt ex to collect on his way back from football. He texts me ten mins later to say he is leaving the pub and have the kids finished eating? I say no. Forget it and get them tomorrow.

Once again, football and drinking have come before his children and I'm fed up bending over backwards to accommodate him. We have nothing planned this evening but the kids don't like going anyway as he watches TV while they are left to their own devices bored in the house all day but I am trying to keep a relationship going between them!

His gf has txt me a few more times on his behalf and I have replied saying not to worry about it as I don't want to get at her, its his fault. AIBU to tell him a flat out no if he rocks up?

OP posts:

DistrictAndCircle · 14/10/2023 18:45

Gos he sounds like such a man child. He has kids! When you have kids, things like football and drinking in the pub have to go down the priority list because… there are kids!!! Why is this so difficult for some parents (esp dads in my experience) to understand?

He is completely taking the piss. His weekends with the kids should start early, and late, and involve no football, drinks or mindless TV watching. It’s really not hard. He can be child free the rest of week when you aren’t.

RandomMess · 14/10/2023 18:45

I would reply along the lines of:

"It's lovely that you enjoy spending the time with the DC. It's unfortunate that dickhead prioritises football, pub and going out and then watching TV not engaging with them. They don't really want to come so I guess he needs to make a choice. Pick up noon Saturday and make an effort with their relationship otherwise I think soon enough they will refuse to come. It's up to him."

Selfishlazyme · 14/10/2023 18:49

With notice (so weds) text him to say if he’s not there by 11 as per previous arrangements, then not to come.
And make arrangements to take them somewhere nice, and most importantly stick to it !

Poor kids, poor you x

AnOldCynic · 14/10/2023 18:53

@GlitteryFarts please warn the girlfriend not to have kids with him...

2jacqi · 14/10/2023 19:04

I think the time has come to visit the courts for set times for visits. personally dont think the girlfriend should be allowed to collect your kids and the oldest may not even want to go and see dad at all.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 19:10

I’d wager that the girlfriend wants children of her own and is trying to show him how amazing she is with children (wanting to spend her evening alone with her boyfriend’s 4 children 🤔)

hot2trotter · 14/10/2023 19:12

First of all I wouldn't be forcing a 13 year old or 11 year old to go if they don't want to - the 13 year old especially is old enough to decide now.
Secondly you need to be firm, tell him he's taking the piss and, from now on, if he's not here for x time, he won't see them until the Sunday.
You are putting your entire day on hold for him, in the hope that just once his children might come before his desire to play football and get pissed up.

Namenamchange · 14/10/2023 19:13

Yanbu, but take it from me, we had the same issues and football and drinking involved. Gradually because it’s not on his term he now doesn’t see the children, which hasn’t been great for him but hasn’t been great for me either.

I thought by saying he’d have to stick to time would make he more reliable, but it make the contact less.

Inkpotlover · 14/10/2023 19:35

Your poor kids. They must be so hurt to know their dad would prefer to play football and drink with his mates than spend time with them. I would text the girlfriend back: 'Thank you, but it's too late now, they've just had their tea and are settled for the evening. x and I need to have a conversation about the fact he keeps letting them down in favour of football and pub.'

Then switch your phone to mute.

Laurdo · 14/10/2023 19:39

GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 17:38

She has just text me again to say he is home and am I sure I don't want her to come and get them because she was looking forward to seeing them.
I need to reply with final no but don't want to take it out on her! How do I word it assertively but not like I'm spitting my dummy out?

I wish their father wanted to see them as much but obviously football and the pub is more important to him.

Crooklodge · 14/10/2023 19:43

Today my dd asked me to text her dad that she doesn't want to see him again. At one point your kids will also realise that letting them down constantly is enough.

Laurdo · 14/10/2023 19:43

GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 17:44

Because I don't particularly want them there when he's pissed.
And I can't drop them off any other week because there is never any communication about when they will be home. They only reply when they're ready to come and get them.
I try to just get on with my day but we can never make plans because I just get a "b there in 5" then I look awkward when I say we are busy.

Show quote history

I would agree a collection time the day before and day of he doesn't give a time you'll assume he isn't collecting them. If there's no text or they're late then go ahead and make your own plans for the day. If they text saying, "be there in 5" tough luck. It's not fair for them to expect you and the kids to put their lives on hold because their father prioritises football and drinking. I also wouldn't be happy about my kids going when he was intoxicated. What a scum bag!

Lilithlogic · 14/10/2023 19:44

Could it be possible he is giving his gf a hard time and she is trying to appease him?

Isabellivi · 26/04/2024 06:45

Girl you need to go out and have fun on Saturday. Waaaaayyy too much worrying about this. Be glad he is letting you have a Saturday evening if he wants to do his thing during the day you get a night to yourself

And really you put tea in the oven???

Purplevioletsherbert · 26/04/2024 07:01

You need to switch to an every other weekend arrangement. It’s bullshit that you’re sacrificing every weekend with your children, and then end up having them the whole of Saturday anyway without being able to make any plans. And maybe if he had every other weekend to himself he could get the laddish shit out of his system enough to actually parent his children when he does have them (doubtful but maybe).

Theunamedcat · 26/04/2024 07:38

Isabellivi · 26/04/2024 06:45

And really you put tea in the oven???

You resurrected a thread to mock someone for feeding their children?

Isabellivi · 26/04/2024 22:53

What are you talking about??? I am telling her to enjoy her Saturday night and not make life harder for herself…. I never heard of baking tea in the oven

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