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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell Ex he isn't having the kids tonight

67 replies

GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 17:29

Although ex is good in a sense that he regularly sees the children and takes them overnight every weekend, I feel he is taking the piss!

He used to pick them up at 11am Saturday morning but this has gradually gone to 12, 1pm, 2pm, 3pm, 4pm over the past year or so. I spend my Saturday waiting for him. He plays football and says every week he will text me what time he is finishing the night before. He never does. Sometimes his GF will tell me she will collect them at a certain time and then rocks up 3 hours later after they've been ready and waiting for hours.

A few weeks ago he rang at 5 and said he was leaving the pub, he had went for drinks after football and would pick them up on the way home. I told him in no uncertain terms was he driving with my children in the car after drinking and I dropped them off myself.

Today once again I've waited in all day for a text off him or gf. At 5 I put the kids tea in the oven and his gf texts to say she is passing in a min and do I want her to get them. I said thanks but I've just put their tea in the oven. She said no worries she will txt ex to collect on his way back from football. He texts me ten mins later to say he is leaving the pub and have the kids finished eating? I say no. Forget it and get them tomorrow.

Once again, football and drinking have come before his children and I'm fed up bending over backwards to accommodate him. We have nothing planned this evening but the kids don't like going anyway as he watches TV while they are left to their own devices bored in the house all day but I am trying to keep a relationship going between them!

His gf has txt me a few more times on his behalf and I have replied saying not to worry about it as I don't want to get at her, its his fault. AIBU to tell him a flat out no if he rocks up?

OP posts:
NalafromtheLionKing · 14/10/2023 18:01

I think just text back and say sorry but I really need ex to be reliable and to pick them up at a set time without drinking first.

Darkmode2 · 14/10/2023 18:02

Next time he texts you from the pub to say he's leaving ring the police and give them his number plate, you'll be doing everyone a favour

BeeCucumber · 14/10/2023 18:02

Text back no - to their father. In future, set a time and stick to it. If he can’t be bothered to make the effort to see his children - why should you? As an aside, his girlfriend probably wants them over for something to do instead of watching him snore on the sofa.

Original poster
GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 18:03

His girlfriend doesn't have children, no. She is absolutely lovely, too good for the cheating waste of space if I'm honest. She often has the children on her own so he can go and play out with his friends like a child.
It was part of the reason we split up, everyone and everything else came before us and he was never here (plus his cheating to seal the deal).
I've replied saying they're in their pjs for the night but thankyou for the offer. So tempted to add a few more snippets from further comments on here but I'll have it out with him tomorrow if he's not too hungover to turn up on time again (if I get a time!)

OP posts:
Worddance · 14/10/2023 18:05

My goodness he is really taking the proverbial.

frazzledasarock · 14/10/2023 18:05

I’d just reply no thanks. Then mute her and ignore.

moving forward I tihnk you need to make clear contact pick up time. Give him a half hour leeway unless he messages and tells you in advance of time changes.

And stick to it, he doesn’t turn up without letting you know in advance within a half hour of arranged pick up time, start doing your own stuff don’t be home, arrange other things. Unless it suits you to hang around waiting.

MrsMarzetti · 14/10/2023 18:07

It is not fair on the children to be left hanging about every Saturday waiting to be picked up. Tell him the children need a set time and to be picked up by him sober.

Original poster
GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 18:13

I think it speaks volumes that she is the one texting me now though rather than him who has either shrugged because he isn't arsed or is throwing a strop blaming me.

OP posts:
Iudncuewbccgrcb · 14/10/2023 18:13

GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 18:03

His girlfriend doesn't have children, no. She is absolutely lovely, too good for the cheating waste of space if I'm honest. She often has the children on her own so he can go and play out with his friends like a child.
It was part of the reason we split up, everyone and everything else came before us and he was never here (plus his cheating to seal the deal).
I've replied saying they're in their pjs for the night but thankyou for the offer. So tempted to add a few more snippets from further comments on here but I'll have it out with him tomorrow if he's not too hungover to turn up on time again (if I get a time!)

Sounds like she's possibly quite lonely as well if he's out getting pissed all the time.

She can probably pretend it's all fine for a bit with the kids round to distract her and play happy families with instead of listening to a selfish pisshead.

Ladyj84 · 14/10/2023 18:14

Drink before his kids says it all. I would be saying sorry there staying here tonight

Honeychickpea · 14/10/2023 18:15

BeeCucumber · 14/10/2023 18:02

Text back no - to their father. In future, set a time and stick to it. If he can’t be bothered to make the effort to see his children - why should you? As an aside, his girlfriend probably wants them over for something to do instead of watching him snore on the sofa.

I sincerely doubt that, and your sneer at ex's partner says a lot about you.

HamBone · 14/10/2023 18:20

@Honeychickpea Tbf, the gf’s perspective isn’t really relevant in this situation, as it’s the children’s contact time with their father, not her.

Obviously it’s great that she’s so nice and welcoming, but if he’s pissed/hungover/not bothering to interact with them, there’s no point them being at his house, is there?

If he’s drunk, it’s actually a safeguarding problem, tbh.

ParisHi1ton · 14/10/2023 18:26

If he trains at football until 11am on a Saturday morning, could you take the kids there and drop them off at the changing room?

It's not ideal, but at least you'll know what the plan is on Sat, he won't go to the pub (one would hope) and the kids would get to spend some time with their father sober for a change.

SecondUsername4me · 14/10/2023 18:29

Does he play football and then drink every Saturday? If so, he either needs to switch to an every other weekend arrangement and take them the full time, skipping football if he has no one else for them, or he has to switch the day.

What's happening now isn't working for you.

"The kids will be ready for pick up 11am-12noon today. If you don't come for them, I'll assume you don't want them for the weekend and we will be off out"

Original poster
GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 18:30

Can I throw in here that he isn't pissed all the time. Its the time keeping that is annoying me and putting football first. The pub has happened twice over the last few weeks following football that I know of. Its just annoyed me even more that the kids are waiting for him to finish football then he goes the pub afterwards and thinks he's OK to drive with them in the car.
He goes out in the night sometimes clubbing when gf has them herself however which I have also had words with him about. I don't sacrifice my weekends with my children to go to another woman, as nice as she is, if he doesn't wanted to utilize his time with them I will keep them myself! Noone gets pregnant with the intentions of giving their babies away every week and it pains me that I have to do it for nothing quite often.

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:32

GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 18:13

I think it speaks volumes that she is the one texting me now though rather than him who has either shrugged because he isn't arsed or is throwing a strop blaming me.

Likely he’s too pissed

Tomorrow will be awful for the children op

Original poster
GlitteryFarts · 14/10/2023 18:32

ParisHi1ton · 14/10/2023 18:26

If he trains at football until 11am on a Saturday morning, could you take the kids there and drop them off at the changing room?

It's not ideal, but at least you'll know what the plan is on Sat, he won't go to the pub (one would hope) and the kids would get to spend some time with their father sober for a change.

His times change every week. He says he will txt me Friday night to let me know but never does and when I txt to ask I get no response or that gf will get them at a certain time but she is always really late (which I'm not holding against her - they're not her responsibility)

OP posts:
Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:32

So if he’s not pissed all the time

then perhaps arrange to meet him at the end of his rugby practise with the children

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:34

He rang last weekend having had drinks and said he’s pick up

So he was prepared to drive the children having had drinks?

Lose10kyesterday · 14/10/2023 18:35

If the agreed time for him to collect them on a Saturday morning is 11.00am, tell him they'll be ready and waiting for him then, but if he doesn't come to pick them up on the dot of 11.00am, maybe with a bit of grace for traffic problems, you'll be going about your business with them and not hanging around waiting for him to deign to turn up or send his girl-friend to get them.

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:35

Are your children disappointed? Do they always want to go?

Valeriekat · 14/10/2023 18:36

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 17:40

Why don’t you drop and then he drop back?

ffs

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:36

Valeriekat · 14/10/2023 18:36

ffs

Show quote history

I am a single parent

I drop
my ex drops back
🤷‍♀️

Barrowgirl · 14/10/2023 18:37

Mind you. My ex would never drink and drive the children and he would never be pissed with them or let them down so…

LadyGaGasPokerFace · 14/10/2023 18:41

What are your dc going to get out of pissed daddy? He’ll fall asleep on the sofa and leave his gf to deal with them. Pointless task of him doing his bit.
Is there an arrangement order in place?
How are the older two with going?

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