toxic sister.... AIBU??

[chonkylegs]

Okay let me start off with a little back story first... i cut out my entire mothers side due to them enabling my mothers behavior's. I was always the ugly duckling she would demonstrate it in many ways but the one behavior that disturbed me the most was the time my mother took myself and her boyfriend to Tunisia (i was 14/15 at the time) and she engaged in sexual intercourse less than a meter away from the single bed that i was sleeping on, merely divided by a small drawer. She excused her behaviour with "its only a bit of fun" and "don't be so ungrateful, i saved and worked overtime for this holiday and you've been nothing but ungrateful"

Another way was when my sister wanted to go into a dead end job she received nothing but support but as i was in my later teen years doing a carpentry apprenticeship she was robbing tools that i paid for myself through my apprenticeship (note she was charging me £250 a fortnight in board as "your sister does it, why can't you? further, note that i was on £4.75 at the time) so those tools were more than just the money. As my sister is older than me i confided in her and told her about the things that were bothering me as another dreaded holiday was up and coming and i was having nervous break downs all the time.

fast forward to the present, i met the love of my life and managed to beat my mental health issues all thanks to my wife and we had a beautiful daughter and she is our pride and joy. I gave my sister the benefit of the doubt and let her back into my life so maybe we can reconstruct our relationship for the sake of my daughter. Before my daughter was born my wife and i met with my sister on a couple of occasions which made me think "okay, shes changed, she's a lot more mature now i have absolutely no problem with her meeting our child"

Fast forward to 2 weeks after giving birth she starts showing a bad side to her, a side that was all too familiar to me. Questioning our parenting skills and being really condescending with her advice even though her experience with children has been only as a baby sitter for her best friends kids (they co-sleep even now at the age of 7 so i don't trust this woman's advice especially with it has been gleamed from another person) my sister suggested to give our daughter tap water at the age of 2 weeks so her advice was shockingly bad.

A month or so ago we had an argument over the same sort of thing, sister came to visit and everything was okay until our daughter started moaning and complaining so i said "here give her here ill try to work some daddy magic" and she went on to say "i've done this for a lot longer than you have" and "how dare you question me when i'm only trying to help" " i've been around kids for years" to which i said "yes but baby sitting supervised is a lot different to being a parent, you'll never have to wake up 4 times during the night just to change her nappy or put her dummy back in", i saw my wife was getting increasingly upset with the atmosphere my sister had created so i dismissed the argument until later on the phone in private.

long story short i said something along the lines of " don't you ever bring that sort of confrontation to our house again especially when it concerns our daughter, advice is good but when you start interfering thats when we have a problem, i let you in out of the benefit of doubt but don't push it, you're on thin ice" to where she hung up and called me back 15 minutes later crying her eyes out (normal defence mechanism for her) saying she's sorry etc etc. This was erratic and irrational behaviour so i dismissed it straight away. But i gave her a 3rd chance and now she seems to not even be bothered in the slightest, saying nothing or replying with just emojis after sending her a video of a recent milestone. So my question is, do i even entertain her? and also..am i being unreasonable?. I know this is a long one so thank you for any replies but this is a story that relied on the back story being told.

Thank you.

OP,

You have had a very tough time with both your mother and sister throughout your life, and yet you sound as if you have great self knowledge.

Both your relationships with them were absolutely toxic that have left their mark.

Despite lots of therapy to try and make sense of it all, sometimes it is impossible to do.

Acceptance often becomes the goal as we age.

Acceptance that we cannot change the past, cannot change those in it, acceptance that we will do out best to just move forward and live out our life as best we can.

I think @AcrossthePond55 is giving you wise counsel.

Sometimes we have to make the tough choice to leave people behind because that is what is best for US.

You are to be commended for trying to live a good life, loving and caring for your wife and daughter.

Rightfully protecting the good things in your life.

Your sister upset your wife and brought toxicity to your home.

You have every right to want to protect the next generation, your daughter, from intergenerational trauma.

These things are past on if we are not very careful.

Kindly, I would say, the most important thing for you to prioritise and protect, is your family.

Allow no one who will bring grief and drama near your family.

I am an old woman and I have known many people over the years with complicated upbringings.

With absolute truth, those that ruthlessly cut off those that would bring drama and grief to their lives, were the ones that forged ahead to create the best possible lives for themselves.

Was it always easy? No it wasn't.
Was it worth it? Absolutely yes.

The peace and calm was the prize.

Through cutting off those that would bring toxicity to their life, they had the energy and space to create a peaceful future doing their best to live a good life.

You deserve to give yourself that chance.

Your wife and daughter deserve the very best version of you, unburdened with the periodic drama that contact with your family would leave you exposed to.

Wishing you well.

Life is too short for enemies? Yep it is that's why you get rid if them.

This. Everyone gets lots of unasked for advice with their first baby. My dd's grandmother and aunts did everything they could to stop her breastfeeding. But she still loves them

Then I think you have your answer as far as your sister goes. And your dad is not living your life. It's not up to him who you do or do not admit to your own 'world'.

I think today has brought you a lot of feelings and 'info' about your past that you had buried deeply. IMHO I think it's important for you to seek counseling to deal with all this new 'stuff'. I think you need to find a counselor who is really into 'talk therapy', who will let you talk and talk and talk until you get all this emotional 'poison' out. Once it's out you can examine it, pick through it, then put it in its box up on that shelf. It may rattle from time to time, but you'll know it's safely locked away where it can no longer hurt you.

My therapy was DECADES ago (like I said, I'm old!) and although my issues weren't family-oriented it still took me 18 months of weekly sessions to get my 'issues' settled and to make my life what I wanted it to be. And it's been great!! I don't know if the type of therapy I had is still 'in fashion' but it was Transactional Analysis. It helped me put things in their proper perspective and to choose for myself how reacted to them.

I wish you all the best. Stand tall, face your demons, then vanquish them.

@AcrossthePond55 speaks the same sense she did to me when I was in crisis many years ago. Listen to her.

I hope you're well my lovely, we should try and have a catch up ❤️

What benefit do you think there is to be had, in your sister/that side of the family being involved in your immediate family?

I can't see any personally. It isn't necessary, just because they're blood relatives doesn't make it vital that they're a part of yours/your wifes/your daughters lives.

I think you might benefit from some therapy/counselling, and PP may be correct that your view of your sisters childhood may not be entirely accurate (And hers of yours also...). I think I'd look at that first, then re-consider whether you want your sister etc involved in your lives.

Thank you, my dear.

Feel free to PM me for a catchup! Your 'little one' probably isn't so little these days!

You're doing a great job firstly. I think your life would be a lot calmer if you set major boundaries with sis. She clearly isn't working on herself or mature as you thought. Maybe she will one day? But for now you have your own family to prioritize.

You clearly still have unresolved issues with your family and more important priorities such as wife and child. You're now in a position where you need to learn a lot of new parenting stuff. Join free parent and toddler activity clubs. Get daily routines in place - meals, getting dressed, play time, bath time, bedtime. Read bedtime stories and have fun teaching speech words, then ABC's, then reading. Focus on becoming a confident and good parent and supporting your wife. You need to learn and develop new positive ideas and thinking about raising children - praise and encouragement and fun and support - because you didn't get that growing up. And distance yourself from your toxic family while you learn those new skills.