AIBU for not wanting to go 50-50 on bills and other costs?

[bathoils]

I suspect that I will be told that I am being unreasonable but here goes.

I am in a relationship that is loving and committed and serious. The relationship is great and he makes me very happy. I hope and believe that I make him happy too and I think we are a good team.

The issue is... DP and I are from a culture where typically husbands pay for essential costs, such as food, bills, and essential clothing. It is not expected that luxuries are paid for however.

DP was raised in this culture but I was not born into it. I entered into later on in my life in my very early 20s.

Long story short, and yes as anti-feminist as it might sound, I have zero desire to split bills 50-50 or even proportionally in relation to income. It is my strong preference that DP will pay a little more than me and that we split things 70-30, or that he perhaps pays the bills and food costs and everything else we split. He doesn't want to do this and I did not realise this when I entered into the relationship as we did have a lot of conversations around how we would like a relationship and marriage to be, but this part seems to have caused confusion between us.

Essentially, there is no meeting of minds on this matter and DP says that this is not the sort of relationship he wants. The problem is that when we started dating this is exactly how things worked so I was of the understanding that they would continue on in this manner.

I am not looking to freeload off my partner, and would be very understanding of him not wanting this set-up until we are married, which is also my preference, but to not ever have it at all has caused me to feel 'less than' and down and depressed, as though somehow I am not as valuable as the women who are in this arrangement.

It is also important to state that I do not intend to give up work or to become financially reliant upon my partner once we are married, so the argument that I will be making myself vulnerable is not relevant here I don't think.

Given that it is so much more expensive to be a woman ('the pink tax'), and the gender pay gap, and the fact that at present I earn considerably less than him (although in the future that is set to change), I feel it is only fair. Not to mention the fact that I will have to make untold sacrifices to have children with him, in terms of my body, my pension, my career stagnation, my mental health, etc. For those reasons and more it feels fair to me that the split should be 70-30 or similar.

Has anyone been in a situation like this and how did you figure things out?
Breaking up is not an option. I really do love him. It is just that this has made me feel sad and confused. It has also impacted my libido as I am stressed about what the future holds.

I have put my hard hat on and I am ready to be told I am being ridiculous. This is just the way that I feel however, and I can't really change that.

Thank you in advance for any advice or musings!

Pink tax??
Am I reading this right?
Is this 2023?
I assume you are not in UK as this is not our culture thank fuck!

Talk turkey - how much does each of you earn ?
I've always paid my way and find it pitiful that women pay less just because they are women

Everyone who is commenting, aka sneering about the pink tax. Womens razors, shampoo etc cost more to buy. Tools that fit women's smaller hands better are more expensive. Womens trainers are more expensive. Open your eyes, it is a very well known phenomenon.

The pink tax refers to the tendency for products marketed specifically toward women to be more expensive than those marketed toward men.

• The United Nations has called on countries to eliminate the pink tax to ensure women have full and equal access to economic participation.

https://www.weforum.org/agenda/2022/07/what-is-the-pink-tax-and-how-does-it-hinder-women/

I am not looking to freeload off my partner

Except you really, really are.

If there's a disparity in earnings then you split according to that, so say you both contribute 50% of your income to the joint expenses.

Pink tax? Ridiculous. Buy men's razors and tampons go in the grocery shopping. Anything else is luxuries, it really is.

Freeloading is incredibly unattractive. What's the female version of cocklodger?

Take out all the rubbish an out about wanting husband to provide for you (because for that yabu) - if you earn less you should split it in a way that you both have spare money. especially once children are involved.

"I am not looking to freeload off my partner"

But you are if you expect him to pay more than 2/3 of shared costs

Everyone who is commenting, aka sneering about the pink tax. Womens razors, shampoo etc cost more to buy. Tools that fit women's smaller hands better are more expensive. Womens trainers are more expensive.

Because op is going to be spending SO MUCH on razors (men's blades work just as well just buy those) shampoo (erm, I've never, ever bought female only shampoo, sure there's many fancy expensive shampoos aimed at an eager female, glossy-haired market but tresemme works nicely), tools (wtf? Surely op isn't going to be buying duplicate of diy tools to fit her delicate little hands?!) and trainers are not more expensive at all for the same style.

The only product that women buy different for men is sanitary products. Pennies in the monthly shop. Not a few hundred pounds every month that is jeopardising her relationship for!

I think most people haven't read your whole post properly. I think it's essential that you agree on finances before you know if you want to get married. How do you both expect to split finances when you on mat leave? And after that if you work part time?

You sound unreasonable tbh unless before you married he specifically said he'd pay for everything or 70/30.

If he pays for everything are you prepared to do what he says, dresses as he wants, wash and iron his clothes, do all the housework and pack his suitcase when he goes away? If so then perhaps he can pay more.

if you want to get married, i always recommend pre-marriage counselling ,we dont follow a religion but found it hugely beneficial in terms of ironing out the specifics of values/beliefs -but where there are cultural differences i think this is really important!!! Where people have multiple cultural pressures on them eg. second generation immigrants, really vital to know what you are getting into as once you have kids, elderly parents etc, cultural values are more likely to come out of the woodwork!

Women don't have to buy the pink razor, or the "ladies" trainers. Most women can get away with buying kids trainers which are much cheaper. Yes, I've noticed that the products aimed a women tend to be more expensive, but you don't need to fall into the trap of buying them.

I don't think you're being unreasonable for not wanting to pay 50/50. I think that paying bills proportional to salary is fair (that's what we did before we got married).

I have a strong preference for somebody else paying 70% of my bills, too. Wouldn't it be grand? (My mis-spent youth! How did I not know I could 'enter into' this scam culture in my 20s?)
And there's only a 'pink tax' if you're daft enough to buy into fripperies.
You're a freeloader, dear - but it seems he's wise to you.

Why would you choose to enter a culture like this? Baffling.

Yes, I've noticed that the products aimed a women tend to be more expensive, but you don't need to fall into the trap of buying them.

I think this every time I see razors and shaving foam in pastels packaging.

"It might also be worth considering whether your culture has expectations regarding who does house work and childcare and then whether you both want to follow tradition there too."

"Great advice. In particular, you'll want to make sure he isn't one of those men who's modern when it comes to money and sex but all of a sudden traditional when it comes to who does the burden of the domestic labour. They exist in plenty of cultures!"

Several posters have made comments along the same lines above and I think they're really important for you to reflect on and discuss with your partner before committing further to him, considering his stance on finances.

I've never paid for a date or towards household bills. I also don't really do housework and insist on a cleaner. I have a good career so can afford to contribute financially but choose not to.

I'll start paying for things when we have equality, thanks. Until then I'll be a "dependant".

@Pixiedust1234 what a mockery of 'women's issues'.

There are also no 'male-specific' versions of many things like shampoo, soaps and lotions. Men buy the cheapest shite versions that aren't 'marketed' towards anybody at all. No marketing, research or product development = less cost.

We have our own bank accounts, into which our wages are paid, and a joint account. Joint household expense - mortgage, utilities, communal food shopping - come out of the joint account. We each pay in a sum every month to cover those based on our percentage contribution to the total household income - I think the split is current 56% to 44%. The amount left in our own accounts is ours and we’re free to spend it as we see fit.

OP said,
"I have zero desire to split bills 50-50 or even proportionally in relation to income.

It is my preference that DP will pay more than me {..} that he pays the bills and food costs"

Just for clarity, Is this a fair summary OP?
I edited it a bit so I could understand, but is this your position? My impression is much of the thread has misunderstood your position

I am only repeating what has been studied and published across the world. It's not just the UK if the United Nations are involved. The pink tax is something that is targetted at women. It really is a thing that a lot of people are blind to.

I disagree. Nivea for men, linx, dove for men, alpacine caffeine shampoo. My DH buys more gender aimed products than I do. You don't that many shampoos that are specifically for women.

This

Pay your way!

The split needs to be proportional to income.

There is no pink tax - come the fuck on. How much do you spend on sanitary products? £10 a month?

In terms of fairness of pensions etc, then you get married (before you have children), to protect yourself in case of divorce/death; pay for childcare and keep your career; take out life insurance policies...

You're massively grabby/selfish and if you were my son's partner I'd be hoping he ran.

I don't see any valid justification for why you think you should contribute less.

You do nothing to further any feminist agenda by expecting a man to fund you.

I missed out the word 'many' but my point was that a lot buy unbranded stuff.
Even when discussing the range saying that products 'aimed towards women' are more expensive makes little sense as it's an average. If there are more women's products, but more expensive/high-end ones compared to men, then of course they'll drag the average up.

DH used to use the caffeine shampoo and it's bloody expensive. Don't know about Nivea or Dove for men but Dove has both cheaper and more expensive shampoos.

The point being.. saying women are 'forced to pay more' is stupid. We can just buy cheaper stuff. The fact that 'some' more expensive products exist doesn't mean we have to buy them. If companies slap a pink label on a bottle and charge more then.... buy the men's version? Since you KNOW it's the same?