AIBU for not wanting to go 50-50 on bills and other costs?

[bathoils]

I suspect that I will be told that I am being unreasonable but here goes.

I am in a relationship that is loving and committed and serious. The relationship is great and he makes me very happy. I hope and believe that I make him happy too and I think we are a good team.

The issue is... DP and I are from a culture where typically husbands pay for essential costs, such as food, bills, and essential clothing. It is not expected that luxuries are paid for however.

DP was raised in this culture but I was not born into it. I entered into later on in my life in my very early 20s.

Long story short, and yes as anti-feminist as it might sound, I have zero desire to split bills 50-50 or even proportionally in relation to income. It is my strong preference that DP will pay a little more than me and that we split things 70-30, or that he perhaps pays the bills and food costs and everything else we split. He doesn't want to do this and I did not realise this when I entered into the relationship as we did have a lot of conversations around how we would like a relationship and marriage to be, but this part seems to have caused confusion between us.

Essentially, there is no meeting of minds on this matter and DP says that this is not the sort of relationship he wants. The problem is that when we started dating this is exactly how things worked so I was of the understanding that they would continue on in this manner.

I am not looking to freeload off my partner, and would be very understanding of him not wanting this set-up until we are married, which is also my preference, but to not ever have it at all has caused me to feel 'less than' and down and depressed, as though somehow I am not as valuable as the women who are in this arrangement.

It is also important to state that I do not intend to give up work or to become financially reliant upon my partner once we are married, so the argument that I will be making myself vulnerable is not relevant here I don't think.

Given that it is so much more expensive to be a woman ('the pink tax'), and the gender pay gap, and the fact that at present I earn considerably less than him (although in the future that is set to change), I feel it is only fair. Not to mention the fact that I will have to make untold sacrifices to have children with him, in terms of my body, my pension, my career stagnation, my mental health, etc. For those reasons and more it feels fair to me that the split should be 70-30 or similar.

Has anyone been in a situation like this and how did you figure things out?
Breaking up is not an option. I really do love him. It is just that this has made me feel sad and confused. It has also impacted my libido as I am stressed about what the future holds.

I have put my hard hat on and I am ready to be told I am being ridiculous. This is just the way that I feel however, and I can't really change that.

Thank you in advance for any advice or musings!

I think it depends what your current earning ratio is to each other, is there a mortgage involved, etc.
would you both accept all funds being joint funds once married?

I think you need to pay your way.

You earn a lot less than him and he wants you to go fifty fifty on all bills?

no you pay proportionally to your income. Otherwise you’ll be skint and he’ll have money to burn.

What is it that he is proposing? and are you living together before marriage?

It might also be worth considering whether your culture has expectations regarding who does house work and childcare and then whether you both want to follow tradition there too.

Good lord, pink tax? 😂 pay your way and stop being so grabby.

She doesn’t wish to pay proportionally. It’s in her op. Clear as day

You should pay proportionally based on your incomes not your sexes.

She says her partner wants to split fifty fifty. I don’t think that works either.

I don't think he should pay more than you, just because he has a penis and you have a vagina.

Your worth is not determined by how much money someone spends on you.

You should pay your way, but fairly. There's many different ways to do this. Personally I like 50/50 before marriage, proportional to income after marriage, then after children, everything in the pot and equal spends (in order to make up for any loss of earnings due to maternity/childcare etc).

In the future this will change she says and she wants this in the future when they marry.

Umm 🤔 hard one.

we have all our income and bills go in and out of our joint account. Then we have so much each spare to spend on whatever we choose (the same amount). Plus I have child benefit on top that gets spent on anything the kids need. Then we have a savings pot also.

I feel it’s better this way and there’s no he has so much, I have so much m, he earns so much, I earn so much. It’s a partnership and I work less hours to bring up the children.

You should pay your way absolutely. Why should him having a penis mean that he should pay your bills?

You don’t have a desire to even split them proportionately??

sorry love, this is real life! Your culture of letting a man pay for you is really a thing of the past and you need to get over yourself !

Proportional to income is fair but you don't even want that OP, why? Because 'pink tax'? That's just crackers.

You're coming across as very grabby and entitled.

Are there other male/female traditions in your culture that you would not want to practice? The man being head of the household? I would be careful about picking and choosing.

Another ridiculously confusing approach to joint finances. Both salaries go into a joint account. All essential bills debit this account. What is left can be moved to joint savings and discretionary spending for each person. Ideally in a partnership or marriage each should have the same discretionary spend. Done.

I believe that the way you split expenses once you are in a marriage or stable partnership should depend on your ability to pay. I don't believe it should depend solely on your gender! In fact, my DH and I merged our finances from very early on, so there was no "splitting" at all. But keeping finances separate but splitting so that you have similar amounts of spending money or in proportion to income are also reasonable approaches. What if you were earning as much or more than your partner, should he still pay more just because he is male?

I also find the following statement unreasonable. Yes having children will have more impact on your body than his (not really an "untold sacrifice though") but the rest is at least partly in your control and definitely does not have to be like that. I don't believe I have made any more sacrifices than DH has. "Not to mention the fact that I will have to make untold sacrifices to have children with him, in terms of my body, my pension, my career stagnation, my mental health, etc."

Proportionate share of the household costs is perfectly acceptable in long term relationships/marriages.

Expecting one partner/spouse to pay an unequal share is not acceptable unless both parties are happy with the arrangement.

Simple as that. It doesn't matter culturally how you were raised, what's important is what you agree as a couple if you want a positive future together. The goalposts may change as you evolve as a couple, but it should always be as a team.

You currently earn considerably less than him so outgoings should be split accordingly.
I'd get out now tbh. I can't imagine your attitudes are compatible for life.

Unnecessary rudeness really isn't it @HakunaMatiłda

It's not unreasonable to split bills and expenses according to income. Why not ask him to do that rather than make it because he's the man.

Do you live together now? Have you discussed marriage?

You do want to freeload though and it seems he is aware of it.

You should pay proportionately to your income. Lower now and more in future when you earn more.

You say that it's a cultural thing... I bet there is other cultural norms you won't want to uphold because they don't suit you. Pink tax is also reaching a bit (buy men's toiletries etc if you're that fussed?) and the gender pay gap ... well lots of women earn more than men. where I work it's all role graded so I'm paid the same as a male peer for doing the same role and there are lots of women in higher management and lots who have had kids.

Just pay your way. "Love many, trust a few.. always paddle your own canoe"

YANBU about splitting 50/50 because you earn a lot less, however, you cannot expect home to pay a massively disproportionate amount on essential expenses just because he’s male. You should suggest splitting proportionate to your income. This is a common and fair arrangement.

I completely agree with you re the financial impact marriage and children often have on women. It’s madness to me that we pay housekeepers and nannies 40k+ because we value their labour but everyday women do this for free and end up at a disadvantage. It should be acknowledged when planning family finances but you should cross that bridge nearer the time. Regarding how you’re feeling, I think you’re going to have to sit down with your partner and come up with different ways for you to feel more valued that don’t involve money.